three shades of blue

Sleep walking has taken a new turn

2007-09-28T08:52:00.000-05:00

Logan has been sleepwalking for the better half of 2 years.
Years.

I recall talking to his doctor at his 4 yr appt, but part of me thinks it was his 3 year.
Regardless, it's been a long time.

Some months he sleepwalks every single night. Some other months he won't sleep walk for 2 weeks straight, but then he'll start again.
Every time he goes nights without doing it we think he's done.

Last night I heard some noise upstairs, but it was the season premier of ER and there was only 5 minutes left and REALLY he only walks TO us, so I waited praying Neela wouldn't die! (she's the only reason I still watch). (stop it...I'm not a bad mother)

With 3 minutes left he stands at the top of our stairs (he's fine on the stairs people, no falling) with this goofy grin he only does when he sleep walks and just stares at me, smiling.

I get up to get him back to bed when he tells me that he was just looking for an apple.
An apple.
I lead him to his room when I notice that the floor is wet.
I look around, the room slightly bright from the hall light and notice a swirling pattern around his floor, on his night stand and in the hallway.

Pee.

He PEED in his sleep. Nowhere near the toilet.

I asked if he had wet underpants and he changed them, all while sleeping. I know for sure he was sleeping because then he crawled into bed, light on, and started snoring.

Dave and I cleaned up best we could, all with his light on while he snored away.

This morning he had no recollection what so ever and was extremely embarrassed by my accusations. Sweet boy.

Now, I did have a party last night, so I can't take the blame of putting him to bed without going to the bathroom. Of course that would have NEVER happened if I were home. ;o)

Two weeks in

2007-09-18T21:47:00.000-05:00

So, I realize that I'm basically done blogging.
Here is me giving you permission to just stop 'stopping by'.
I'm dull, lame-o, boring.
But you know what? I'm actually living a full full life and it's a much better thing right now than sitting at the computer all day.

Now that that is done...

Logan has been in school for exactly 2 weeks now.
He is kicking butt in Kindergarten.
Things are going well, teacher is nice (although I have some concerns that I will talk about later) and he's making new friends.
We wondered if we should tell or not tell about the Asperger's. We decided to not tell.
We wanted him to go in and be a kid just like all the other kids and not be analyzed.
We were told by someone who knows who has a kid with autism that it wasn't the right decision, but it was our decision.
What we've seen in the past 2 weeks are some of his issues already popping out.
I'm thinking though that seeing he's only 5 that all the other 5 yr olds have issues as well, right? Perhaps he's not the only one, and he probably won't be singled out for having issues.
If so, we'll deal with it then.

But the thing is, he's not having issues that are major. He's just having issues that are obvious to us.

Let me talk about a few of them.
I decided to follow the bus in the van one morning (he will not let me drive him) just so I could see how the whole morning thing went.
There were a lot of familiar faces in the playground from the neighborhood, and I figured that Logan would be hanging with all the neighborhood boys.
Not really the case.
Logan wandered the playground just amazed at all that was happening.
His mind was wandering, racing at times and other times just gazing.
His friends would initiate play, and he'd respond with a friendly hello or wave, but he'd not step in and play. He was happily overwhelmed, if that makes sense. Completely clueless of the groups of kids playing together. Ready to let him join, but he didn't sense it.

Gym class the first day was about skipping. First, let me say that when you have 2 boys, just just don't skip! You don't! Logan was totally adamant that he wasn't going to skip or even try it. Apparently he gave the teacher a hard time. He told me that he didn't skip because of 2 reasons. 1:he doesn't know how. He's right! He doesn't! It's a motor planning thing, and also because we just DON'T SKIP WITH BOYS! I told him we'd work with him on the weekend and it would be fine! THEN he told me he'd never skip because only girls skip. It was a big deal for him not to do something that girls do. Very strange, I think anyway. I told him that it was 100% OK with me NOT to skip on the playground, but if the gym teacher wants you to skip, you should skip.

Friends. Logan has never had a problem with friends. That is unusual with the Asperger's diagnosis. My theory is is that he knows a lot about things that his peers love and he memorizes them and can roll out any fact or script at any time. This is his 'in'. He also is great with compliments, although he doesn't always know this.
The boys seem to be drawn to Logan. You know how they say when you're dating that if you don't show interest the boy will come.
Logan apparently has to fight off the boys when it comes to lunch.
On Friday he told me it was annoying how 'danny' and 'payton' and 'collin' always wanted to sit by him. "Don't they realize that there are many people to sit with? I don't always want to sit by the same people!" Just when people are forming their bonds, Logan would rather just go from person to person. While that IS great, I also wonder that he is going to miss the whole 'bonding' time and everyone will find their 'it' person and Logan won't understand that.

I now realize that I must tell Logan everything, because when I do it's in his brain but if I don't he won't realize it himself.
The other day was a cool morning, but a hot afternoon.
Logan was sent off to the bus in a light coat. I never told him that he should just put his coat in his backpack after school. When he got off the bus his cheeks were bright pink and his hair was sweaty and his coat was on.
"I never knew I didn't have to wear it if you sent it to me."

So, things ARE going well, but we're also learning as we go!
We know now that he's at a 2nd-3rd grade level in Math, although I don't know really how to approach that with his teacher. I know this by my friends who are in 2nd and 3rd grade. Logan can do their math in his head. It's his skill. The kid can play chess after being told the rules for 10 minutes. SO not my child! It will be an exciting ride!

A great loss

2007-09-10T20:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you meet people who make an impact on your life, a footprint so to speak.

This is usually a person you admire and respect. A person you wish you could emulate, even if just a little bit.

I met a person just like that last month. A celebrity of sorts in my mind, although I'm sure she would have hated to know that.

I knew about her, know her stories, read up on her life and frequently TOLD her life stories to women who would sit in front of me, feet soaking in her products.

I was drawn to her, as so many people who know her are.

I was excited to be a part of her.

She died today. It was way too early for her to go. She was only 64.

The world has lost a great person, and she literally has changed this world.

What turned out to be a part time fun job has turned into something that changes the way I look at the the world.

SHE changed the way that I look at the world.

All in a week...

2007-09-08T08:14:00.000-05:00

So, let's step back to Tuesday morning, the first day of school.
I was a wreck.
I didn't sleep much the night before because I was afraid I won't hear the alarm. Is anyone else that way? If you know something important is going on that you have to wake up for, you just don't sleep well.
That was me.
Logan woke up at 6:25 rubbing his sleepy little eyes as he told me "10 sleeps down, none to go" (Counting down sleeps is what we do when Dave goes away for work, so we started counting down at 10 days until school)

He was excited! Happy! Ready to go!

After we were all dressed and ready to go, I took a couple pictures of him outside. He then saw the bus go past and insisted that he wanted to be a bus rider. I agreed he could if I could drive him his first day. SO, that's what we did!
We went together, took some more pictures and let him go.
I turned around and the tears POURED out.
My heart ached so much for him, but he wasn't there.
I think I cried most of the day. I know it's silly, but I couldn't stop the tears.

Logan rode the bus home that day and has rode the bus to school and home from school every day since.
The 2nd day I cried just as much as the first day because he hopped on the bus and didn't even look back for a wave. It is good, yes, but it is also hard knowing that he doesn't need me as much as I needed him to need me. I'm a bad bad mom.

Thursday, I cried again...but much less time.
The thing that was so hard was that I didn't know! I didn't know where the bus dropped him off. I didn't know what he did until school started. (He's there for a good 20 minutes before the bell) I didn't know if the big kids were mean to the little kids. I didn't know if he knew exactly where his room was. I know someone would HELP him if he needed it, but I didn't have a picture in my head. I needed to know!

Friday I asked if I could drive him to school, but he really wanted to take the bus. I told him I wanted to stop in the school office, so was it OK if I followed the bus. He told me we were going to have a race! ;)
He won by a long shot as I had to find a parking spot, but it wasn't hard to find him on the playground. In the sea of kids from age 5 to age 12, I found my little dude hanging at the teeter-totters. He was happy to see me, but also kept a bit of a distance. He seemed upset when I offered to help him do something. My heart was a bit bruised, I'll admit.
We wondered around looking at all the energy and excitement. The time flew by.
I loved SEEING it all.
The big kids couldn't care less about the little kids.
There were many aids out there and lots of moms too.
Everyone was well taken care of.
The bell rang, and Logan told me we had to hurry and find his backpack. There were two doors on opposite ends, and he knew which one to go in.
He lead me (hand in hand) through the hall and we only had to turn around 2 times to go the right way. He figured out we were going the wrong way both times and figured out which way to go. He led me to his locker, to his room and showed me how to put his hot lunch stick in the hot lunch cup.
He showed me one more thing before I told him I had to go and that I loved him.
He hugged me and even gave me a quick smooch.

I of course turned around and the tears started, but they didn't last as long as the days before.

I feel better because I see he holds his own.
He's not scared, not even close to crying, and thoroughly seems to be enjoying himself. He IS worn out though and told us on Thursday that he needed 100 days off because he was 100% exhausted. He IS gone from 7:40-3:30 each day, so it IS a lot for a 5 yr old!

The thing that I'm having the hardest time is is losing him.
He is my BUDDY.
It's so funny, but this has been such an eye opening experience for me.
I think back to almost 6 years ago when he was born.
I didn't even really know who I was at the time I gave birth to him.
I didn't know who I was going to be, or what kind of mom I was going to be.
I was just 24 years old and went from being a kid really to being a SAHM.
I evolved right along with Logan. I figured myself out.
He was my sidekick. We did everything together, and I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with him. I love still to this day taking him shopping or out to eat, just Logan and me.
I tell him that spending Logan Mommy time is one of my most favorite things to do. He always tells me it IS his favorite thing to do.

He is just such a big part of myself, my heart, my being that watching him go away is really an adjustment.

Never in a million years did I think that sending off Logan to Kindergarten would be this hard on me, but it has really been one of the hardest things I've had to do.

It's getting easier though, and I think that next week will be my healing point.
I'm finding out a whole lot more about Miles, even in just the last week. He's talking more (because he doesn't have his brother talking over him) and he's more patient. There was not a single scream this week (from the hours of 7:40-3:30) and I must say, that was nice!
Dare I say he's even been a bit easy!

It will be nice getting to know Miles one on one for a chance. It's an odd thing feeling like even though your child is rounding 3 that you really don't get much of a chance to spend one on one time with him. I'll get that now. He'll be my new buddy. I'll have two best buddies.
I'm still going to miss Logan like crazy, but he's starting his life now. I held his hand for almost 6 years, and now it's time to let him see the world without me being there. (yes, I DO realize that this is just kindergarten, but it's not like the days when I went to school!)

Muuuuch better

2007-08-30T08:35:00.000-05:00

*deep breath*

Last night was 'meet the teacher' night at school.
We all felt a little nervous.
Logan's teacher has been teaching in our town for 33 years.
I always get a bit anxious when I hear of a teacher teaching that long because criminy, I've only been a mom for a little less than 6 years and MY kids drive me crazy sometimes. How can they keep coming back year after year ready to play and smile each day?

We walked in, Logan squeezed my hand a little tighter as we walked up to the teacher together.
She didn't even look at me.
She got down and introduced herself to Logan and talked a bit about how happy she was to meet him finally. He gave her a picture of a rainbow with a pot of gold he made for her just hours ago.
She made him feel like Monet.
He didn't say too much....but I know that will change after day one.
He smiled, listened and added a little nod and 'cool' in there.
Then, we were off to explore the too little classroom in my opinion.
We found his LOCKER. (Was it only me who had hooks all the way through until highschool? I know I went to a private school, but yes, we had HOOKS in 8th grade)
We found the gym and counted 7 basket ball hoops.
We met the principal. (Remember how they taught you how to remember principal was PAL and not PLE? 'Pal'....your principal is your 'pal'....I wonder if they still do that?)

We looked at the lunch menu, something we have been dreading.
We saw things like French Toast Sticks and Mini Corn Dogs on it. That relieved him a bit.

He bounced off looking at everything with this smile in his eyes.

When we got home, we talked about it some more.

What did you think of your teacher? "Awesome"
What did you think of the school? "Awesome"
What did you think of the gym? "Awesome"
What about the playground? "Awesome"

So there we have it folks...it's awesome.
He's even letting me take him the first day, just so he can show me how to get to my classroom in case I ever want to come visit.

Everything was going along smoothly....

2007-08-25T20:18:00.000-05:00

And then I realized today that I have one week left with Logan before I send him off to be raised by a pack of wolves.
Basically, right?
One week.

Then came the doubt.
Did I give him everything he needed or wanted from me in the past almost 6 years?
What about the last year?
What about the change that took place since Miles was born.
He was not the only one, and yes, I realize that that was for his benefit, but yet, I doubt myself.

I think, what about the time I didn't have the TIME for him. What about the time when I probably raised my voice because of something stupid.
What about the time when I should have realized that he needed me to hug him instead of scold him.
Sure, I realize there were a million times that I did the right thing, but then, I"m not perfect.

So I sit here, one week left wondering if he'll miss me as much as I'll miss him.
Probably not, at least I hope not.
I asked him what on earth Miles and I were going to do while he was off having fun at school and he said we'd do the same things we always do.
He's right.
Except while he's off having fun, we'll be home missing him.
A lot.
Tons.

My baby is growing up and he's going to take the bus. The freaking BUS!
I want to take him, and yet, I won't.
He doesn't want me to.
He wants to ride the bus.
School is less than 1 mile away, and he said I could drive there behind the bus. He must have saw that in a show or something.
I'll do it of course, as he'll be watching for me as he gets off the bus. I'll be there, but I'll have to leave.
I don't really feel ready yet to leave.

I think back to my early years with him. He's truly my buddy. The love I have for him is so intense. His pain is my pain and his tears are usually the ones I'm holding back.
When people are mean to him, I won't be there to protect him like I want to be.
I have to let him grow up and learn to be a boy.

I've known this day would come obviously, but the fact that it's here is so profound.
Ask anyone I know in real life, when the kindergarten talk comes up I always say, 'we're ready!!'.
OK, so maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought I was.

One week to breath him in. To hold him a little longer on the rare times he lets me hug him. To look deep in his innocent eyes. To hear that little boy giggle a few more times.

2007-08-11T14:02:00.000-05:00

I 'celebrated' a big birthday this week.
30

I'm officially in my 30's.
Not without a fight though.
I held on to the 20's with all of my might, but one can't stop the ticking of the clock.

I hate my birthday.
I do so much better with other people's birthday.
I love to bake a cake, surprise them with presents and make them feel special.
It started way before I had kids.

AS a kid I remember getting a ladder and taping up the big birthday banner on my garage door for my parents to find when they got home. As well as all the neighbors, I now realize. ;)
Before I had kids I would surprise Dave with sometimes a treasure hunt across town to find his present. I would throw surprise gatherings of friends at the bar.
Having kids, I want them to feel like a king on their birthday.

The problem with loving to celebrate people is that I'm always waiting for someone to really celebrate me. Unfortunately I married someone who doesn't quite understand that.
It's something that bothers me, because I'm selfish I guess.
I want the celebrations, the surprises, the unique gifts.
Unfortunately I have made my birthday near impossible for my husband.
I just hate my birthday.

The day after my birthday is always much better.

This year I hated it even more because I had to give up my youth.
Yes, I realize that the 30's are probably going to be my best decade ever, but I just wasn't quite ready to give away my 20's yet.
So, what I did to make myself feel better was to think about all of the things I accomplished in my 20's.

I graduated from beauty school.

I married my best friend at 23.
I purchased my first new car, and have traded it in a few times over.
I traveled to Austria, Czech Republic, Austria, Texas, Vermont, Arizona, Florida, Rhode Island, and other various states near by.
I built a home.
I purchased a boat.
I met the best friends a girl could ask for in my late teens and still have them today.
I had a beautiful baby boy who stole my heart and made me grow up instantly when the majority of my friends were still partying at the bars.
I quit my life of working without a second thought to stay home with my boy.
I lost a pregnancy.
I triumphed over infertility. And I don't mean triumphed because I had a 2nd child, I mean triumphed because I saw it through. Something I'm not always good at. I went to each appt/test and went though it because I had a vision.
That vision came through.
I survived a situation where I could have died.
I walked into my home with my new little boy who I was lucky enough to have a whole 2nd heart to let him steal.
I started a business, that while it's minuscule, has been on the news, in print and online. I'm proud of that.
As my 20's were disappearing, I found myself.
I've found my passion, and what ignites that burning feeling in my belly.
I've found myself.
I've figured out that I like to dance, something I've always steered clear from.
I found out I like pink, a color I've always thought was too girly for me.
I've found out that I really do like being a girl.
I found that I really do love myself.
Something I could definitely not say only 3 years ago.
I've accomplished so much in 30 years, and I'm ready to enter the decade that everyone talks so highly about.
And a lot will happen in 10 years. Do you realize that when I'm going to hit 40, I'll have an almost 16 year old and an almost 13 year old?
This is the decade that will fly by as I watch my children grow.

So looking back, I realized that it really is OK to be 30.
I have a lot to be proud of, don't you think?

And I guess it was about time I reached the decade that all of my neighbors are close to leaving! :)

Boys

2007-07-12T14:51:00.002-05:00

Boys will be Boys I guess...

2007-07-12T14:51:00.001-05:00

and it's something I'll have to deal with all of my life.

Our neighbor, 2 1/2 years older than Logan, has been teaching him all about being a boy.
See, Logan was my sweet natured, well behaved little boy for so long.
He didn't pick his nose or say 'fart' or anything boy-like that until this summer.

In fact, we don't even say the word 'fart' in this house. OK, Dave and I do sometimes, but I just didn't think that was what I should be teaching my kid when Logan was young.

Somehow we decided that 'toot' was the word to use. Sounds so silly now, but it is what it is.

Logan and I were in the grocery line when he said, "Mom, J can FART!"

"What?!?"

"HE CAN!! I don't know how yet, but I'm practicing!"

"O.......K......" (thinking he doesn't even KNOW the word fart...at least I thought.)

Well, needless to say, Logan can FART now. Arm fart. You know, making the 'toot' with his armpit.

I'm so proud.
All day he's 'farting' while laughing his head off at the loud one or the long one.
He thinks he's the coolest boy in the world.

This morning, as the kids were 1/2 dressed I was watching Logan try to teach Miles how to 'fart'.

"Stick your hand here. yeah! Now squeeze your arm REALLY hard down~no HARDER! FASTER! Let me show you...like THIS!"

"too hard......" Miles said, bummed he isn't as big and cool as his brother.

Seriously, you go along with your child not seeing TOO much difference in sexes of children until about 5 1/2 and then boy hood pops out and hits you smack dab in the nose.

3 1/2 months until age 6. Can you believe it?

Those of you with traveling husbands

2007-07-12T14:51:00.000-05:00

You know how your husband leaves and you plan on spending the entire week RELAXING and eating easy food and doing all of nothing?

That was my plan this week.
Nothing.

Sure, I had a few things to do, such as take Logan to summer school and a little bit of work, but nothing major.
I stocked up on easy food and was looking forward to the quiet time.
(Well, as quiet as 2 brothers can be)

But then, you know how reality steps in and reminds you that as a mom, a single mom for the week, you are not allowed to nothing.
It all comes at you, boulder by boulder and soon the week is over and not once did you relax.

That is my week.

I've done more in this week than I usually do in 3 weeks combined.

My kids for the most part have been well behaved though, except for some normal kid mistakes. (Such as the time we were at the grocery store and Miles was running up and down the front of the store yelling a loud laugh and Logan was yelling "Miles, HIT Me! HIT ME HARD MILES!!" and of course, Miles does and then Logan crys. It was nice. I got the 'looks' and headed out looking like the crazy mom. It's all good)

So, what's new with us?
Well, Logan is ready to go when it comes to Kindergarten. I know it's only July 12th, but he's READY! He's in a 5 week summer K class (1 1/2 hrs four times/week) and it's just not enough for him.
He's doing well in it too. He adores his teacher, and the feelings are very mutual.
We're noticing some more quirks come out as he's getting more comfortable. Part of his Aspergers. Weird finger movement and placement, tongue sticking out, constant LOUD VOICE. I never told his teacher anything, and I plan on not telling the school unless they have issues with him. I just want him to start on the same clean slate as everyone else. We'll see what happens, and if he needs help, I'll get it for him. Until then, maybe it's just us who notice? I wish someone would be honest with me and tell me if they see abnormalities, but of course my friends who know would all say he's just like their kid. Perhaps he is.
He's grown SO tall. He's SOOOOO tall. (And so very very handsome. Sometimes I just can't help stare at his little face when I am putting sunscreen on and just gush.)

Miles Miles Miles.
Let's just say that Miles has FAAR surpassed Logan when it comes to climbing on playground equipment. I think I know why it took us so long to get pregnant with him. God wanted to send Logan off to Kindergarten when Miles decided that the BIG kid playground was more up his alley. God knew that I'd probably be taking Miles to the hospital multiple times if I wasn't DIRECTLY under her to catch is fearless body as he fell 8 feet to the ground.
And if his future isn't in the circus, he could for sure be a Joker.
He's got more facial expressions than anyone I know. I can't NOT laugh at him when he knows he's in trouble and battles out a stare-down. I always lose. I can't stop the smile that forms.
He eats like crap still, but obviously enough for all the running he is doing. The little bugger is F.A.S.T.
I'm proud of him when we go to Logan's T-ball games and he actually sits for half of it before we can go to the park. That's a long time to sit when there is a park right behind you!

Dave and I are well. We're pretty stressed actually lately, and we could really use a few fruity drinks under a big umbrella on the beach, but that's not going to happen any time soon, so we'll have to hang on.
I'm dying for him to land so we can go get him and I can get a smell of him again.
I have a very good friend having some very real marital problems and it only makes me realize all the more just how lucky I am. I'm so very lucky to have Dave in my life. I need to let him know a bit more, I think.

Other than that, we've been busy as can be. We've even been able to sneak in some boat time quite a few times this year so far. That has been so very nice. You can't work when your on the boat!

Hope you are all well!

God....kindof

2007-06-19T07:20:00.000-05:00

Logan has been talking about God a lot lately.
Seeing we totally suck at going to church, I've welcomed his interest and encourage his questions.
I wondered just what made him all of a sudden start telling the little bugs, "don't worry, God will come down from Heaven to get you" just after they get squished.
He then asks about when MY Grandma died, how she died, where she died etc....He tells me that he can't wait to meet her when HE goes to Heaven, because if I loved her that much, he will too.

This sounds so sweet and innocent, doesn't it?

Then I figured it out.

We went to see Shrek the Third the other week.
In the previews was Evan Almighty.
I'm a HUGE Steve Carell fan and think this movie looks hilarious.
I can't wait to see it.
LOGAN apparently can't wait to see it either.
Want to know why?

Because God is in it.

But he wonders why everyone thinks that God has long brown hair if he really has short black hair.

I tried to explain that this mans name was Morgan Freeman and that he is an actor. I explained that he was pretending, just like people do in a play. He isn't the REAL God, he's just playing the part of God. We don't know WHAT God looks like.

But, see, when Logan learns something, it is what it is, right or wrong.
To Logan, Morgan Freeman is God.

Hopefully we can work on this one before summer bible school starts.
Or not.
I actually think it's pretty sweet, and hey, we DON'T know what Jesus or God looks like, right?
Perhaps he resembles Mr. Freeman, just a little. ;)

Too much on my plate

2007-06-08T08:13:00.000-05:00

About a year ago, I'd get up, feed the kids breakfast while they would watch a show or two. I'd get my morning coffee, breakfast and blog. I'd have things to say and time to say it. I'd remember funny or interesting things from the day prior and have enough brain capacity to remember it the next day.

Then, about 7 months ago I decided to get a 'job'. I'm sure Merrit would love to have me in her neighborhood! ;)
I am a consultant with one of those home party companies.
I've tried something like this before with another company, but my heart wasn't in it to make money, just to get free books for the kids. And did I ever get a bunch of free books!

This is different for me because I AM making money. More than what I thought I would.
But the down side to it is that I really have a JOB.
My plate is full!
I've got friends who want to get together for play dates or nights out and I'm too exhausted to even think about planning something else.

My morning routine used to be coffee and toast with Dora in the background while relaxing for 20-30 minutes on the computer. Now my routine is coffee and toast with Dora in the background while I'm getting hostess packets ready, placing orders or bagging up orders, and contacting people on my team.

So, hence the lack of blogging, as I'm sure you understand.

The cool thing about having this job is that I'm going to surprise Dave with a all inclusive trip to Mexico ON ME. He'll have no clue (if I can plan this through his work) and we'll get to enjoy a vacation with real money that I've earned. Seeing I haven't worked in almost 6 years, that's totally exciting to me! And I'm almost there!
The not so cool thing about this job is the lack of blogging time.

I'm not saying that I'm stopping, because I'm not. I've come way to long and far to stop. Plus, this blog has been around since Logan was in a CRIB. I'm certainly going to blog about him putting on his big kid shoes and heading off to Kindergarten (in only 3 short months).
PLUS, then God willing, Miles will still be napping! (Until HE goes to Kindergarten if I have any thing to do with it) and I'll have a good 1-2-3 hrs in a quiet house!
I can't even imagine.
PLUS, I'm going to have to blog to keep my sanity. 3 years people...3 years of just Miles/me time. I'm so used to saying, "Go see what your brother wants to do!" while I'm making lunch. There will be no brother! I know I had 3 years of just Logan/me before Miles came, but then again 1 1/2 of those years he wasn't even walking! ;)
I'm excited, but a little nervous of the transition we're about to face.

So that's it, an explanation of sorts. I'm totally thrilled about the money I'm making and the company I'm working for, it's just taken time into my personal time. Which is probably a good thing anyway. It's good to have something to keep you moving. I don't have time to get stuck in front of the computer anymore.

I AM reading though-but I've always sucked as a commenter. But I am reading.

Time to get off-new furniture is being delivered today! Can you imagine the excitement knowing that I won't have to stare at neon yellow furniture that was made in the early 70's! It's a GOOD day! :)

2007-06-01T07:30:00.001-05:00

Many people comment on just how different their children are.
Mine equally as different.
Sometimes I just don't know how many more ways two people could be different.
This was extremely hard for me in the first 1 1/2 years of Miles life.
I didn't know how to raise him and keep my sanity.
I realize now that while Logan loves structure and life to be the same day in and day out, Miles thrives on being sporadic. Well, except for naps, he's a strict 12:30pm napper, and loves it that way.

Let's look at food issues. Logan was a HORRIBLE eater/IS a horrible eater on one front. He won't try new foods, certain textures are off limits and if it looks/smells funny, he'll literally gag. This makes meal times certainly difficult, but we're going in the right direction. I can finally say for the first time that Logan will eat pizza. (If it's domino's, cheesy bites or red baron frozen. Not anything else, including my home made pizza)
But if Logan has one of his favorites in front of him, and many of them are perfectly healthy, he'll eat a good full meal. (His favorite is a turkey, tomato, mozzarella and ranch dressing sub) The kid is so picky that he won't eat cookies that he doesn't know, he won't eat salty snacks and he would NEVER NEVER eat chips...ever! (One went down his throat and scratched it and they have been off limits for over a year now. He's not budging)

Now, MILES on the other hand just doesn't eat.
I think he has survived on 3 grapes and a bag of fruit snacks a day for the last week or so.
I try to go with the flow, but lately it's getting so worrisome, although he'd never know we're worried.
He doesn't even have favorites to offer.
He'll ask for a PBJ (without the 'J') and he'll take 3 bites and be done.
I serve Lunch and Dinner and we'll be surprised if he takes 3 bites total.
So, he loved grapes and wanted them for about a week. I continue to buy them and all they are good for now is smooshing.
I mean, how long can you go with eating 100 calories a day before your body just gives out?

As for sugary snacks, the kids each get a cup of Chocolate Milk for breakfast. We started this when Logan was on a milk strike, and his doctor told us we needed to get more calcium in him. It's not a big deal to me, really. Logan would 100% prefer to drink water over milk (as do I) so when he gets one good serving of milk a day, even chocolate, that's great.
Miles on the other hand only drinks it 25% of the time.
Miles gets fruit snacks once a day after nap. He knows it's coming, and as soon as he's up he's asking for them. Other than that there are no sugary snacks.
Miles gets a snack in the morning as well, usually crackers or something like that, but he rarely eats more than a few nibbles.

It's become an inside joke really...how much food did we throw away from Miles today?
I almost hate making him a plate because I know it's not going to be eaten.

He sits in his seat (we always sit at the table) and within minutes he says 'all done' and really truly IS all done.
Logan asked me yesterday, "Mom, how come Miles doesn't eat ANYTHING?" as he was eating a nice lunch of fish sticks, mozzarella cheese and apple wedges. What kid won't eat apple wedges or cheese? I don't care about the fish sticks, but SOMETHING! He ate 1 slice of apple, TEENY-TINY slice of apple.
Even if we get the all American KID food, a happy meal, he'll eat maybe half a chicken nugget and be done.

As this has been going on for a long time, I'm beginning to wonder if we need do do something different. I can't/won't force food down his throat. I'm glad he doesn't see it's a big deal, but it really IS a big deal.

I did his height/weight %'s and he used to be 75% when he was a baby for both height and weight. Now he's 35% in weight (still, pretty good despite the fact that he's NOT EATING!) and 19% in height.
The poor kid got my height genes, but part of me wonders if he drank his milk 3 times a day, if he ate his veggies and fruit and meat, would he grow? (he's never willingly ate a spoon full of ANY veggie. Well, except for when he ate baby food. He will NOT eat a veggie. We still put them on his plate, even cover them in cheese, give him ketchup to dip whatever he wants from his plate...not going to happen people. As for meat, an occasional bite of hamburger. Like a teaspoons worth. No ham or chicken...NEVER!!)

For now, we're just giving him a vitamin once a day and hope that his appetite picks up soon. Lord knows when I miss a MEAL I get all light headed and crabby. I can't imagine going days on end with only a few bites here and there!

2007-05-28T07:16:00.000-05:00

I've been enjoying the idea of having 2 older boys and all of the activities it will include.
I imagine lots of activity all year long.
Granted, I've got one boy who won't let his feet leave the ground and another who would jump off the roof today if I let him. Our activities will range in severity, I'm sure.

Last year, 'Santa' brought Logan a skateboard and all the pads to go along with it. He gave it a try, realized he's not quite there and so it sat.
He's figured out now that he can put it at the top of the driveway and roll down on his bottom and that is enough thrill for him.
He's been asking ME to try, but it's a mini board, and it only holds 75lbs, and obviously that's not going to hold me.

Our neighbors have twin 15yr old boys and and 11 yr old boy. Yesterday they were cleaning out their garage and had to decide if they wanted to keep their skateboards.
I let them know the IF they decided to get rid of them that they should let me know because Logan and I can learn to skateboard together.

Big mistake.

Logan got to pick his favorite board and off I went thinking I was a pro already.
Barefoot none the less.

Within a few minutes Logan was super impressed at how far I could go and how long I could balance. I must say, I was super impressed too!
I had visions of a skate park and knee pads and elbow pads and being the 'cool' mom at the skate park.

Then, I let my ego get into the way.
"Watch THIS Logan!" as I rocked the board up and down while balancing on it.
"COOL! Try it again Mom!"

"no problem!"........................................WHACK......!#&@*!
down I went. Hard. Causing loud bone movement, blood on the knee and leg and embarrassment to the mind.

Laughing right away as to not scare the kids I quickly scanned to see which neighbor saw my fall.
As far as I know, I was in the clear! Unless someone was looking out their window, no one saw me.

We moved our skateboard tricks into the grass.

My knee hurts.

Goodbye-so hard to say

2007-05-23T14:27:00.000-05:00

No, not me...but the lack of posting might make you wish it was me I was talking about....

Today was preschool graduation.
We started with lots and lots of fun happy songs...

Then came, the 'good bye' song.
It had to do with how they'll miss the smiles and stories and hugs.

Then came the only child in the room to fully understand the meaning of 'goodbye'.

The tears slowly started, with a big smile on his face trying to hold them back. A gentle nod of the head to his mom to let her know he was OK. We watched a video of songs and pictures from the year all while he was sobbing next to us, his eyes fixed on the TV.

Then came the actual 'Good bye'...

Yes, those are tears from the teacher, not laughter.

And to show he's all tough and strong, he smiled through his tears for the picture he wants framed on his dresser...

How did I get so lucky?

2007-05-17T08:40:00.000-05:00

Trying again.....

Jesse is a friend....

2007-05-11T12:51:00.000-05:00

About a month or two ago I got a call from a good friend, "OMG! There is this concert coming up in May and I'm DYING to go! I went last year with my husband, but this year I'd rather go with someone a little more fun...wanna GO?"

"SURE! Who is it?"

"Rick Springfield!"

pause....who the heck is Rick Springfield was the first thought that came into my head.

"You know, Jesse's Girl!"

Of course I knew that song. Well, the concert was this week, and if you know who Rick Springfield is, you'll know he's no spring chicken. In fact, he's 57 years old. My DAD is 58 years old. Let me tell you that my Dad isn't nearly as hot as Rick Springfield.
Yep, he's a looker...sort of.

But I have a thing for older rockers. Eric Clapton for instance. Yeah, he could be my dad...or more...but put him on stage rocking it out and he's HOT!

So, back to Rick Springfield. This man knows how to turn on the charm for the women. Seeing I didn't really know who he was, I had a better time watching people make fools out of themselves then actually watching him perform.
Women were CRAZY! They would do anything for his attention. And seeing we were at a casino theatre, there was ample opportunity for attention seeing it only holds a couple hundred people and it wasn't even full.
The crazy thing is that he is playing there for 5 nights and some of these women come every night.
The even crazier part is that tickets are $50. $50x5=$250
Granted, I'd spend $250 for one concert if I could see Dave Matthews up close and personal like I did Rick Springfield.
We actually made eye contact a few times as he was walking on tables and making the rounds.
You jealous?

Yep...thought so!

Stench

2007-05-02T13:40:00.000-05:00

I'm reporting from under piles of puke filled laundry to express just how much the flu sucks when you're 2. (OK TKW-not the flu, but I've grown up calling it the FLU, so the FLU it will be for my kids! sticking out my tongue)

Puke does not feel good when it is retched onto your fitting cotton long sleeved tshirt. It does not feel good soaking in, and it does not feel good when you take off the shirt.

It is not natural to leave the puke soaking onto your body while you hold your kid over the sink, garbage can or toilet. It doesn't feel good. It smells, and dammit, I hate being the calm mommy at this moment.

I want to run away squirming out of my clothes, but instead, I leave the puke, make sure he's OK, get him a drink and then get out of the clothes as quickly as I can hoping I don't get any in my hair.
I'm hoping that some day my kids will ask me, just as I asked my mom today, "How did you do this without freaking out?"
And I'll answer, just as my mom did, "I just freaked out when you weren't looking"

Bleh! Puke.

Refreshing

2007-04-28T20:54:00.000-05:00

My little company was featured in a local state magazine this month with an interview, pictures and everything. I'm actually even happy with the picture of me, which rarely happens. It was quite a compliment.
When I was doing research on the magazine, I saw that they were doing an article about infertility coming up this summer.
I immediately emailed the editor, because hey, we all want to be published, right?

I asked how they delegate their articles, and if they by chance took submissions. I told her that I thought that adding a section on secondary infertility would be nice, as many articles on infertility talk only of primary infertility. I thought both sides should be talked about.
No dice on the submission, but she would pass on my contact info to the freelance writer in charge of the story.

A month or so later, I got an email asking if I would be interested in being interviewed for the article.

I thought long and hard about it. Would I want to be the person in the article telling her story about secondary infertility when I didn't even go through IVF? Even though my odds were in the gutter, and it was a stroke of luck that I ovulated the month we were moving forward with IVF?
I still went through a horrible time, and it is a part of my life story.
Would people suffering primary infertility read this article in distaste? What if my family read it, would I be comfortable with that? (My family knew, but it was kept at a distance)
Would I be comfortable with the fact that everyone who reads this magazine would know that we had a miscarriage and took fertility drugs?
I asked some girlfriends for advice and the response was unanimous. I had to do it.

So, on Tuesday (and yes, I wanted to blog about this ALLLLL week) Dave took the kids to the mall for dinner and I sat patiently waiting for my interview.
I jotted down notes. I read past entries of my blog wishing I would have started earlier in my journey. I wanted to make sure that I prefaced that I am not 'blessed' or I didn't have a 'miracle' that those who haven't been successful were unable to get. Also, that my whole heart goes out to those suffering primary infertility. (I AM blessed, but I also know that that is not what those going through primary infertility want to hear, because THEY should be blessed too...here here!)
She duly noted my request and promised that she was not going to make me into someone who was up on the roof with my arms in the air praising the Lord for my miracle conception.

After that initial 'get the rules straight', she just let me talk. I didn't know what to say or where to start. I sort of mumbled in the beginning as I paced around my kitchen and living room. A habit that I have. It is impossible for me to talk on the phone and sit on a chair. I must be moving at all times. Around and around I go.

Soon after I started talking, it just was easy. I told my 'story'. She was typing in the background. She would interrupt occasionally with the 'let me catch up here, one second' and an occasional 'wow'. She let me go on and on and really listened.
She said the most powerful thing that I said was, "You're sitting there with the child you are so lucky to have, yet all you can do is think about the one you don't have."
I'm not proud of this quote. But I also know that I didn't deprive Logan of any happiness. He was obviously clueless as we started all of this when he was 9 months old.

After I was done, she asked a few questions, and the subject turned to two couple friends she has. One suffered primary infertility, the other didn't. The two were best friends. Infertility drove them apart, and they are nothing more than strangers to this day.
I get that.
I lost a friend in the infertility/HELLP depression.
I've recently thought about reaching back, but I'm ashamed of who I was then. I was bitter, angry and royally sucked at being a friend. She also was a bit rough around the edges having to endure horrible preterm labor-twins born at 30 weeks.
We have been changed by our experiences.

Then, she asked me a question that I thought was funny.
"Do you want your real name used?"

Yes, I did.

Project outside living

2007-04-22T14:54:00.000-05:00

I love the idea of using the grill most nights and eating outside.
Kids get done eating and run off to play in the sandbox while the adults kick back and enjoy the relaxing evening.

I've always looked forward to the time when I could start doing that almost stress free.
I think that will be next year. (the stress free part)
This year, we still have to stand behind Miles while he climbs up the ladder to the slide.
He still needs help in his swing.
BUT, he's a master at digging for dinosaur bones in the sandbox.

This year however, I'm going to start.

I've been thinking about what we can grill besides your basic chicken/burgers/hot dogs/brats/kabobs on the grill.
Pizza came to mind, and that's easy enough. Then there are panini's.

I'd love some suggestions on to what we can make that will be easy on the grill.
Dave thinks he's a grill master, so I'll let him be in charge of the cooking.

We don't eat red meat like steaks or roasts. Well, Dave would love it, but he's the only one.
Does anyone have any ideas of some good grill food?
Or a website made strictly for grilling?
Or Merritt? (My cooking idol)

Another bad shoe day

2007-04-19T13:04:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you remember when I blogged about caving and buying Logan velcro shoes.
I hate those shoes.
I can't wait until they are outgrown.
Logan on the other hand thinks they are thee best shoes ever!

The thing is, he just doesn't have the coordination yet to learn to tie, and I must admit it is nice that he can put them on alone.
Summer is coming, and it's the time for new summer shoes for both boys.
My boys have such issues with sandals.
They hurt their feet and give them blisters. Logan tried flip-flops last year...for one day...or maybe 1 hour. They were not for him. I completely understand this as last year was my first year that I actually made myself deal with flip-flops.

Now that the sun is shining more, the neighbors have been outside ready to play.
We have one neighbors that have a 7 1/2 yr old boy and 5 1/2 yr old girl. The 3 of them are best friends all summer long.
They both were sporting new shoes.
Crocs.
I.hate.crocs.

OK, let me rephrase that. I don't HATE crocs, but I don't care for crocs on adults. Unless you're a nurse or vet. Then it's OK.
Logan LOVED them.
And I love the fact that they are waterproof and can go from the sprinkler to the swimming pool to the grass and in the house with no problems.

Yesterday we went 'croc' shopping.
Logan is now sporting a pair of navy blue (ugly ass) crocs and Miles is sporting a new pair of army green camo crocs.
At least it's better than the neon red and highlighter yellow ones they wanted to begin with.
And of course both kids wanted to wear them to bed because "they are COOL mom!"
Fortunately they were OK with the fact that the new crocs slept at the foot of the bed so that when morning came they could just pop their little feet inside.

Did you know crocs made you run faster and jump higher. Apparently they do, or so says Logan!

How did they do it?

2007-04-16T21:45:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking back to my Grandmother's time. She was a mom of 6. Her husband died when the kids were still young, and she had to go back to work full time.

I think of women back at that time. The literally WORKED from sun up to sun down. Laundry by hand, hang dry, gardening, cleaning and cooking and baking all day.
It seems there are so many distractions during my day.

I have full intentions to put away all the clothes, iron Dave's shirts, organize my Body Shop stuff and then make a good healthy dinner.
Why does that not happen?

Entering: this is OUR family and OUR house and we'll work together to make it organized.
My fear about raising my kids is that they'll be lazy and expect mom to do it all.
It's already that way. Logan won't willingly clean his room or th eplay room. He won't willingly take care of his things.
I'm coming up with a family plan.
Logan will have his daily duties, Miles will have his (as much as he can) and DAVE will have his and then perhaps I won't feel as if the house, my job and the family are all my responsibility!

I'd love to hear how this works in your house.
Granted, Miles won't be able to DO much, but I thought he could:
Put his clothes in the hamper every morning and night
Put his books away in his room (he 'reads' a LOT)
Pick up his toys WITH us helping.

Logan can:
Clothes in hamper
room clean
clean counter in bathroom after teeth brushing. (Is it just my kid that gets toothpaste ALL OVER THE SINK? I don't' get it!?!?!)
Dishes over to the sink (he does this now)
Feed the fish

I hate charts and stickers and all that crap, but I think I'm going to have to go with it and make the kids a chart.
Maybe an allowance might come into play? But not as payment for chores, but as a contribution to the family??
Anyone have any suggestions?

babies and blahs

2007-04-12T22:01:00.000-05:00

Miss Simone is off having her baby!
Ack!
SOO exciting!
Can't wait to hear what baby monkey is!!

You know how you love someone so much and you don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but sometimes you have to?

Dave is off in the southern half of the country where there is currently NO snow. Grr about my snow.
He took a major test today.
He's tried to pass it a few times now.
It's insanely hard.
The compare it to the law boards.
Only about 10,000 people in the whole world have this cert.
I talked to him today.
He felt so-so about it.
Better than the last few times.
He thinks he passed.

The results were still not online when he went to bed (he's an hour ahead and has to get up at 4am tomorrow to go to the airport).
He told me how to log in because I'm nosey like that.

The results are up now.
He failed.

I'm so bummed for him.
He just needed this so bad, you know?
I can't call him because it's 11:06 to him right now, but I wish he was here so I could tell him in person so I could look into his eyes and he could vent his frustration.
I hope he doesn't decide not to keep trying.
But then again, how many times can you try without feeling like the ass of the group? That's how he's feeling EVEN THOUGH not a single one in the group has this cert. It's 'expert' level. He'd be the only one.
It's INSANELY hard.

Ugh! So, I opened a beer and am bumming alone for Dave who is sound asleep thinking he passed.
:(

Nee-ner Nee-ner

2007-04-09T07:40:00.000-05:00

OK, so I've mentioned before just how much I love having boys.
Logan is my lovey dovey boy.
He's always calling me beautiful, pretty and tells me he loves me a million times a day. (And that of course makes me feel like he's going to be a darn good husband! Although he tells me he's going to marry me.)
After he tells me he loves me, he tells me how good it makes him feel to say that.
I LOVE having boys. (I'm sure girls are just as great)

So, I did a little shopping last week and bought a summer dress that I was just unsure of.
I told Dave that I wanted to try it on and get his honest opinion.
I walked in the bathroom where Logan and Miles were in the tub and Dave was the target of splashing.
"Um...I don't like it. Where do you plan on wearing it? Is it a gardening dress? It looks like you're thinking...'I'm going to pretend to be a cute gardener this year' Look at those big pockets for your tools!"

OK, got it. Dress will go back.
Then, Logan says, "Mom! I LOVE it. You look great!"
And of course I thanked him and told him that that made me feel really special.
As I was turning around to leave, I saw Logan STICK HIS TONGUE OUT at Dave when Dave wasn't looking!
My jaw dropped and I tried not to burst out laughing.
I think someone is pining for my attention? What do you think?
Nee-ner Nee-ner, you told mom she looked silly and then I told her she looked great!

Anticipation

2007-04-07T06:50:00.000-05:00

Last week, the kids and I were doing our weekly grocery shopping when all of a sudden we hear on the loud speaker,
"Hey kids! This isn't for the parents, so parents stop listening! Kids, on Saturday morning the Easter Bunny is going to hide over 2000 eggs here! We're giving prizes away and even free donuts and juice to make it easier for your parents to roll out of bed. You won't want to miss it!"

"2000 EGGS!?!?! We're totally coming!!"

And so all week we talked about 2000 eggs.
All week long we counted the days until Saturday.
All week long we told as many people as we could about 2000 eggs.

Last night we were reminded about just how EARLY it was going to be if he really did want to go.
We'd probably have to set our alarms for 6:30. (Logan sleeps until 7:30 75% of the time)
That was A-OK with him.

So, last night I reminded him that I'd be waking him up early and he promised he'd already be awake. ;) Daddy was all set to take him while I stayed home with Miles.

When the alarm went off and I realized that I was warm in my bed and neither kid was awake it was really hard to get up.
I sneaked into Logan's room and he was sleeping so sweet, both arms under his head.
When he felt my hand on his chest he popped open his eyes to look at the clock and then sat right up all ready to get dressed and head out.
He has NEVER moved so fast in the morning in his life.

So, as I sit here listening to Miles complain about the breakfast he asked for, Logan is in Easter Egg heaven! I can't wait to hear all about it!

Dreams

2007-04-02T07:54:00.000-05:00

It's so strange where our mind will go when we have no control over it.
I've always been one to remember my dreams.
I remember learning once about lucid dreaming, and I thought that would be super cool. Since then, I take note each morning of my dreams. Sometimes I cringe, sometimes I blush, but many times they are just routine things I do in my life. Yeah, even in my dreams I'm not that exciting.

In the last month or so, I've been dreaming of my extended family.
I know I've mentioned in the past my 'feuding family'.
Of course, families that are 'feuding' have quite the stories.
Usually they go on their normal daily activities and only hate each other when they have to see each other.
MY family on the other hand shared a yard with our other half of the feud.
The thing was, it was an adult feud, and it had nothing to do with the kids in the family.
I had cousins close to my age, and we were best friends. We played together every day, all the way through high school. I even rented an appt with one of them. Yep, that ended in our own feud, but you can see that all through our lives, us kids tried hard not to let our parents mistakes affect our lives.
Well, fast forward 10 years and I don't talk to any of them, ever.
There are 4 cousins, and 2 are men and quite a bit older.
The other 2 women, my BEST friends growing up are no where on my radar.
Now, I have seen one of them in the past year, a couple times actually, but it was weird, and she was weird and she didn't say a word about the fact that I had kids with me...uh, MY kids which I have no idea if she even knew I had. Yeah, there was no congratulation card sent.
The problem with feuding adults when there are children in the picture is that while there is no intent to involve the children, children are involved.
Children are smart!
While we were young, we'd visit my aunt and uncle on holidays and then come back to my parents. My parents wouldn't come with.
We'd see all our other aunts and uncles arriving for the big she-bang, but we'd be at home, watching through the window.
When we'd go for our mandatory quick visit, we'd see all the presents our cousins got from our aunts and uncles. My brother and sister and I would never get any.
So, of course, as we got older it affected us.
We stopped going to visit.
We started getting bitter.
Why wouldn't the aunts and uncles visit US as well.
It was then that I decided that I would make our holidays special, even if it was just a small group because there was too much hurt in the eyes of myself as a child.

WELL, back to my dreams...
I've probably had 5 or more dreams in the past month about my extended family.
Except, it's today. We're all adults, and we're all still so bitter.
It always winds up that we're hanging out with our cousins and then the phone rings and my sister answers it. It's my aunt telling my sister to send back 'her girls' because the party is about to start. She looks out the window and sees all of our family (minus my immediate family of course) standing in the yard waiting for the 2 girls to come home.
My sister loses it, tosses the phone to my older cousin and starts crying and tells her "YOUR family is waiting for you."
Then, the girls stand up and walk out without looking back.

I know it sounds silly, but it's as if all the time growing up and saying "we'll NEVER become our parents!" meant nothing and really, we did become our parents.
I thought I had purged all of these guilty feelings out of my system, but my dreams have reminded me that I haven't. And the guilt is another silly emotion, because I have nothing to feel guilty about. I was a beautiful child as was my brother and sister and we deserved the love that we didn't get. But guilt is funny like that.
I feel like I'm still that little girl looking under the Christmas tree and not seeing my name.
It's just SO silly, and I'd like to believe that I've risen above my youth.
I'm a mom, a wife and have a great relationship with my family, as well as Dave's family.
But obviously, something is still inside of me trying to get out.
I just wish it would stop because I'd rather dream about something a little more uplifting! :)

Ah, don't ya love it...

2007-03-28T10:09:00.000-05:00

Recently a new sandwich store opened in Madison.
If you have yet to visit one of these stores and you live in the few states that have them, you MUST go!
I can't get enough of them!
I could eat sandwiches/subs/wraps every day of my life.

So, I went for my 2nd time in a week last night.
After a long day, I got to escape for 1 1/2 hrs to grab a yummy sandwich and peruse the sales at Old Navy. (Anyone else notice the LOW LOW quality lately...I'm thinking I'm almost done there)
As I waited patiently for my sandwich to come out of the toaster, the cute guy working there (with the totally sexy accent) struck up a conversation with me.
"You seem happy! Good day?"
"Well, sort of...you?"
"Are you just leaving work, or are you on your way to work?"
"Um....well, just leaving sort of"
"Off for some retail therapy? What are you shopping for?"
"Oh, nothing, just wandering I guess"
"Ah, no wonder you're so happy! I wish I was leaving (with a wink), where do you work"

Now, I don't know if he was flirting, as I'm completely oblivious to that, you know, since I've been with my husband for 11 years, but let's just say it was strange that this man was striking up a conversation asking about where I work, where I was going etc....and for some strange reason I felt really weird about saying that I "work" by staying home with my 2 kids. See my minivan out there? ;)
But I had no choice, and I'm a baad baad lire. Even if I wanted to pretend I worked some place fun, he would probably know someone who worked there!

"Well, I actually stay home with my kids."
"OH, really! Wow!"
"Yep......"
"Well, that's cool!"

And then the conversation slowly turned back to my sandwich and my condiments.
Dave had a good laugh over the conversation.
"I wonder how hard they laughed when you backed out in your minivan!"

Scream

2007-03-26T08:00:00.000-05:00

OK, I have a MAJOR issue that I'll take any advice from anyone who has any.
Miles has turned into a SCREAMER!
You have no clue how frustrating this is right now.
When he 'argues' with Logan, he screams.
When I tell him he can't have any fruit snacks, he screams.
When he wants to go outside, but I'm making dinner, he screams.

LOUD.

Now, I know you can't tell just what kind of family we have our what kind of parents we are but let me just state right now, this is NOT a screaming family.
Logan didn't scream, I don't scream and of course Dave doesn't scream.
We rarely raise our voices unless we have to yell OVER the yelling from Logan and screaming from Miles.

I.don't.know.what.to.do.

This kid has guts and he will not back down.

We've started time outs.
What does he do on the time out? SCREAMS!
Fine, scream away as long as you stay in that place, right?
But honestly, I HATE THE SCREAMING!
Lately I have a headache every day, and I'm really dreading the morning because as happy and cute as he is first thing in the morning, as soon as he asks for fruit snacks, which he does EVERY morning and EVERY morning I say no, he screams.
My nerves are frazzled.

It's like I'm not in charge because I know this isn't something I can change.
I can't MAKE him not scream, right?
I can put him in time outs when he starts screaming, but it just encourages MORE screaming.

So, here's where I stand today.
He screams, he sits on the rug by the door. I can't do a time out elsewhere because he won't stay. Actually if he's REALLLLLY screaming for a long time I'll put him in his crib, but he's almost figured out climbing out and I dont' want that.
I'm not just caving.
I'm being the parent.
But I'm seriously thinking that I'm losing the battle.

HELP!

Rewind button

2007-03-21T08:10:00.000-05:00

I can't remember which blog pointed this song and it's words out to me, but whoever you are, I listened and understood.

Have you heard that song by Anna Nalick:

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,Oh breathe, just breathe

Yesterday, in my insane list of things to do we were on our way to gymnastics class. I feel lately that we are too busy for our own good. We've got play dates and preschool and lessons and then I have 2 part time businesses and meetings and Dave's got a plate full of stuff to do as well.
I feel like all we do is rush through our day to get everything done.
My house is in the biggest shambles that it has ever been right now, and in 10 minutes I'm off to be the preschool helper for the day. I'd love to stay home and WORK. But, saying that, I'm also glad to go.

So, like I was saying, we were on our way to gymnastics yesterday and Logan was talking a mile a minute. He was filling me in on his dreams and his likes and dislikes and how he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and he just kept going and going and Miles would crack in every once and awhile mimicking what Logan just said and then this song came on. (whoa....run on sentence maybe?)

And all I could hear was the lyrics and see my kids in the rear view mirror and instantly the world just slowed down.
My baby is 5 1/2 just about.
My BABY is over 2.
Logan is just the love of my life right now. He obviously LOVES me and he is sweet and kind and has a great imagination and shares everything with me and trusts me and sometimes I truly don't feel worthy of his love. He's so intense with his love and his feelings and I'm very blessed. With the big 6 month countdown to a lifetime of school, I cherish this time right now. It won't be this way for much longer. I mean, it will, but then again, he's going to have so many of his own experiences that I won't be a part of. Sometimes I just look at him, I memorize his face, his eyes, his sweet still somewhat baby-ish features that are quickly fading away and I want to freeze time. I want him to want to hug me again, I want him to lay in my arms for a nice rock again. It's never going to happen.

Which brings me to Miles. Miles, well, he's a full fledged 2 year old. He loves the words "no" "mine" "HEY!" (He says that when he's mad at me!) He's naughty and strong willed and sometimes I want to pull my hair out! Then he comes up and says "Piss mom" (Kiss...haha) or he'll just run up and quick hug me and then jot off again to the fun.
He doesn't NEED me like Logan did and does. In gymnastics class he does his thing. He doesn't want to hold my hand or dance with me like the other kids do. He likes to do his thing, be independent and quickly fled the baby stage. He stopped sitting in a booster seat at about 18 months because he wanted to be like Logan. He quit sippy cups around 1 or so because "I do it!"...well, OK! He's growing up fast. Yet, he still needs his mom sometimes.
But I know that he he won't NEED my for as long as Logan needed me.

This is it! This is the point in life that is just so much fun. Hard, YES! But life is giving me such huge rewards with every 'piss' and I love you.
I really do wish I could find that rewind button and go back 6 months, 2 years, 3 years. I want to hold Logan again, I want to feed Miles one last bottle.
But, such is life.
It keeps going fast, then faster.

Kindergarten

2007-03-19T07:33:00.000-05:00

Last week, we had Kindergarten orientation.
A group of 25 kids spent an hour with all 5 kindergarten teachers while the parents hung out in the library.
There were all sorts of parents, and you could tell them apart.
There were those who were your typical first time parents sending their child, full of excitement and chatter. They were asking all sorts of questions, and paying full attention.
They were totally excited about things like joining the PTO and volunteering in the classroom.

Then there were those sending their last child. They had already done this 3 times before, they don't need to know how many days a week their child is going to have gym or music or health class because they already know. Joining the PTO is not something they looked all that excited about because FINALLY they are going to have a little peace during the day. :)

Dave and I were in the middle. Sure, we're new parents in the school district, but we're also not going to over smother Logan and participate in every last thing. With having Miles at home, I won't be one of the parents who are able to come in the classroom once a week to volunteer. Not that I think I would go every week anyway. Once a month, that's a good thing. It's enough that your child looks forward to it, but doesn't expect it every week. It's still special.
I do think I'll volunteer for the PTO, but only because two of my good friends are on the board.

It's a little weird walking in a school when your child isn't there yet, but he's a few inches taller than a lot of the kids walking around. He walks in and the excitement is all over his face. He stands taller, walks ahead of us, and doesn't dream of holding my hand.
He walked right up to the teacher, introduced himself and asked if he was allowed to color anything he'd like to at the art station they were working at.
There was no looking back. He wasn't sad when Dave and I left for our meeting, and barely had enough time to say goodbye. (In fact, I don't think he did)
But he DID tell me how much he loved me in the car on the way home.

The idea that next year it will be just me and Miles is a little....hmmm....dare I say odd?
I mean, I'm REALLY excited about sending Logan to school. He was ready last year, and I KNOW he's ready this year. But the kids have gotten used to co-playing all day. Granted, many times it ends in screaming and yelling, but they still play together most of the day.
Now, for 3 years it will be just the two of us.
It will definitely take some adjusting.
What on earth will we DO for 3 years? :)
I think we'll take plenty of day trips. It's quite exciting to think about, actually. Just a little scary as well.

2007-03-16T12:38:00.000-05:00

Those of you who blog, you know how you make time to blog.
You might not really have the time, but you make it anyway.
It's like anything really, take exercise.
When you are in a routine, exercise just becomes part of it.
You don't REALLY have the time, but you make it.

But then you fall off the wagon.
Life starts getting busy and you all of a sudden don't have time again to exercise, even though you can make it.

So, let's see.
I had surgery last month and told myself that I was taking a week off of blogging.
But then what happened is that the week turned into 10 days.
I had full intentions of blogging, I just didn't have time.
Then, 10 days turned into a month out of the blue.

6 months ago, I would have never thought I would go a month without blogging. It was my vice.
But I realized after this past month that I'm really not as addicted as I thought I was.
I still read all of your blogs, although I'm the worlds worst poster..sorry about that.
I just didn't make the time to update my own.

But, I'm alive and well and I am back on the blogging bandwagon.
I don't think I'll ever go a month without blogging again because blogging is important to me.
If I choose to go a month without blogging again, I think I'll just decide to STOP blogging.
But, that is not the plan.
I'm back!
Lots of fun interested stuff has happened in the past month!
Feel free to stick around, or not if you so choose.

Tooth Fairy made her first appearance at my house last night...

2007-02-16T15:10:00.000-06:00

Can you believe it?
The first tooth has fallen out.
It makes Logan look SO much older.
He's becoming a king of all the tricks like sticking the straw through the open tooth.
He proudly went to school today and smiled all day.
He's the first one in school to lose a tooth.

I'll put pictures later, they are ADORABLE!

Those poor women

2007-02-14T18:32:00.000-06:00

Today, I ran about 50 million errands.
It was SO busy and I noticed a strange coincidence. The men were out.
There were cute guys everywhere!

Where did all these men come from, I wondered as I was impatiently waiting in line at the pharmacy attached to the grocery store. As I was pushing my way past stupid people while shopping, I noticed groups of them.

Some in suits, some in scrubs, some who appeared to work in construction.

Ahhhhh....then I saw it.
They were grabbing what they could find.
Stupid helium I HEART YOU balloons.
Grocery store flowers (not that I mind these btw-flowers are flowers, but on VALENTINES DAY)
Trying hard to find one acceptable card in the isle that had only 7 Valentine's Day cards left.

Some had it right and chose bottles of wine. Others wandered aimlessly with a lone rose and balloon searching for something else.

WHY!!! WHY were they at the GROCERY STORE buying Valentines Day presents?
I'm sure they could have found something at the mall?
But no, I'll tell you why...they waited until they were DONE with work to pick up something, ANYTHING that would get them laid tonight.

Poor women.

I bet all of them act surprised and excited about the lone rose with the grocery store sticker on it.

Daily life stories

2007-02-12T13:22:00.000-06:00

I never really went into detail with Logan and his diagnosis, and I thought I'd touch a bit on what Logan is like.
We all know by my posts the last THREE years (can you believe it) that Logan is a very sweet natured little boy. (most of the time, like all kids)
And I know I've mentioned his quirks before, but I'd like to give you an idea of what I actually mean by quirks.

Logan has a digital clock in his room and when he was 3 we told him that he couldn't get out of bed until 7:00 am. (This was BEFORE Miles was born. Criminy, with Miles we'll be happy if it says 6:00!!)
That was a rule that he learned. He's good with rules, if they don't change.
To this day, if he wakes up at it's 6:something, he'll wait in bed until 7:00 on the nose. And he always keeps a mental record of what time he wakes up.

I took him to the doctor the other day because I was afraid he had Strep throat. I made the appt early in the morning before he woke up. By the time we got there(11:30) my fear of strep was gone, and it was more of a checkup.
I told the nurse that he slept for 14 hours last night and didn't wake up until 9:30.
He interrupted, "Mom, I woke up at 9:22!!"
And yes, he did.

He's a numbers guy. When the numbers are in order, he's a happy. He's comfortable with them. He experiences life in numbers.
He's smart. Like, way smarter than what he should be as a preschooler. He's friends with a 1st grader down the road and he teaches HER math. She's in awe that her little sister's PREschool friend is teaching her math. According to her, "He's smarter than the smart girl in class!" ;)

He's ambidextrous, but now shows a preference of writing with his left. It's so strange to see him grab the pencil with his left hand. I've never been around a lefty before. It seems so unnatural to me! ha ha! But he sometimes switches the pencil to his right hand when he's on the right side of the paper. Of course, we just let him do his thing and never question what hand he wants to use. He uses scissors in his right hand. He also bats the ball like a righty though. I think we'll have him try to bat like a lefty this year and see what feels better??

He has rituals.
He must get dressed in a certain order.
He must clean his body in a certain order.
He must be in bed by a certain time, but not any earlier than a certain time.

He's insanely good at strategic video games. The kind where I cave under pressure. I hate them. He LOVES them.

He doesn't eat worth a darn. I'm in the debating stage of getting help from the food clinic. The thing is though, he likes routine and a schedule. If I make the same routine foods on a very regular basis, he'll eat and he'll grow. But did you hear about that mom who allowed her son to eat only toast I believe his his entire life basically? When I heard that story I thought, how HORRIBLE! But then I have this little boy who would live on as many things as fingers on one hand. It's such a situation because I don't want to make it an issue, but it IS an issue.
Anyway, another post for another day.

Regarding food. He likes routine. He'll eat PB J's with MY bread and MY jelly and MY peanut butter. No one Else's.
He'll eat Fish sticks. Not regular fish or fish patties.
He'll eat corn dogs, not hot dogs.
He'll eat turkey sandwiches, on buns only. MY buns. It must have ranch dressing, mozzarella cheese and tomato's on it. No more, no less.
He'll eat waffles.

He will NOT eat anything mushy, and this includes cereal in milk. Which is hard for him because he really wants to like cereal and sometimes he'll try it, but he just can't stand the texture of mushy cereal.

He doesn't play with toys. We could clear out the house and the only one who would be bothered is Miles.
He hoards things. Paper things. The main thing he hoards are the backs of present boxes he gets. You know how action figures come in a cardboard with a plastic cover over the 'guy'? Well, on the back is more pictures of MORE guys. We have to save them all.

At night, we don't read your typical story books. We read learning books. 100 things about space, all about your 'food tube'...how germs spread...how babies are made (yes, it's not graphic at all, but it does talk about a sperm and egg) anything that he can learn bits of info to store in his head, he enjoys.
Oh, and bookmarks have to be put in in a very ritualistic way. They can only stick out so far, but they have to stick out a certain amount. There is no in between. There is right and there is wrong.

He remembers crazy things. Just Friday afternoon he told me he knew his friend Evan's phone number. Kids this age usually are good learning their OWN phone number. He blurted it out, and he was right. This was 4 hours after he got home from school, so he wasn't just repeating it from a conversation 5 minutes earlier, you know?

Basically, everything must be in sync, in order, and follow a pattern.
Oh patterns, he sees them in everything. He points them out and I am amazed at what he can see.

Life with Logan is structured. WAY more structured than my liking, but it's OK! I'd love to explore more with meals, but I also know that it takes him out of his element. I'd love to be more spur of the moment, but I also know that it's hard for him to do something that wasn't on the morning list of activities.

I'm excited for him to go to school, and I think he'll have a great time meeting new friends. I know he'll have his problem times, but you know what? So will other kids who are considered 'neuro-typical', you know?
He's definitely high functioning, but prefers structure.
If the teacher gives them orders, he'll follow them.
He's super social and LOVES to have friends around all of the time.
I think they will just learn that Logan is a bit quirky, but not bad.
I see his future as SO bright.
Perhaps I'm seeing life through rose colored glasses, but that's OK too.

1 out of 150. It's a crazy statistic.

Anything you can do, I can do better...

2007-02-08T08:11:00.000-06:00

Life in our house is changing by the day.

First off, in case he ever sees this, I'm sorry Jeff.
Jeff is my older brother. The one that I taunted and followed and pretended to be interested in everything he was. I had crushes on his friends, and must have been a pain in the ass.

Lately, everything that Logan does, Miles tries.
Logan jumps, Miles jumps.
Logan wants to play cars, Miles steals the cars so he can play with them.
Logan wants a waffle for breakfast, and Miles decides that the French Toast he is eating is not good anymore and HE needs a waffle.

It really goes on and on and on.
It's gotten so bad that this morning after shunning his French Toast when he saw Logan didn't want French toast, Miles, was given a waffle with syrup. Logan on the other hand wanted Peanut Butter on his waffle. Already wasting a piece of French Toast, I made Logan HIDE his waffle so that Miles didn't see the Peanut butter on it.
Yeah, maybe I should take the reins, but it worked for today.

Sometimes Logan LOVES the extra attention and eats it up.
He proclaims that he loves Miles more than anyone on the world, "except you mom" and it's fun to watch.
They pretend they are dogs and chase each other all around laughing and barking. Hey..it's cute. So what if my kids pretend to be dogs! ;)
Miles is WAAY more outgoing and fearless than Logan, so he has no qualms about jumping off the couch like his brother does. He'll try anything, as long as Logan can do it.

Sometimes Logan HATES it. As a big sister, I can relate.
Sometimes he just wants to 'read' his book and not have his brother try and rip it out of his hand. I don't blame him, of course, but unless he's in his room there's not much I can do except try to redirect.

But the good thing about this new development is that little by little I can see my boys becoming friends. Sure, it's not all the time, and I know it won't BE all the time, but it's coming.
Next year, when he's 3 and Logan is 6 I can see them collaborating together. I can see forts and secrets and brotherly fun.
And it will only get better! Age 4 and 7, then 5 and 8. So, even though 75% of the time we've got someone yelling at the other because "He's TOUCHING me" or "I was playing with it FIRST" I can see the light of, "Let's go play together" and it's so exciting!!

2007-02-05T14:07:00.000-06:00

Inspired by Mrs. Fun, but with red-eye.

Do they always have such good manners...

2007-02-02T13:14:00.000-06:00

This cracks me up.
I'm pretty sure every mom agrees with me on this one.
I had a doctors appt this morning while Logan was in preschool. I asked my neighbor and friend to watch Miles. She has an almost 2 year old little boy, and they play so well together.
When I come back the first thing she said is, "My son had super bad runny poopies! I'm SO sorry! They are so bad they are running down his legs. I've changed him 6 times in the last hour..." as I'm watching them play together, then hug each other.

Lovely.

I can only imagine that this weekend might be filled with poop.

The SECOND thing she says is, "Do you guys go around your house always having such great manners, or is he just being nice to me?"

He said please and thank you all day long. He was so polite and well behaved!!

And I guess really, it's a two fold answer.
Yes, we really do have lots of 'please's and thank you's' in my house on a daily basis. Logan asks for a 'snack please' or 'more juice please' or says thank you if I let him play on the computer.
It's just a part of our life. It wasn't that way before we had kids, but just seeing the lack of manners kids have these days, I wanted MY kids to learn manners and how to be polite from the time they started talking so that it was habit.
It's worked.

But the well behaved thing. THAT is the part that cracks me up.
Why is it that your kids can be animals in your own house, yet the most polite well behaved child in someone elses house. It makes no sense to me what so ever.
Sure, I'm pleased that he was good for her, and I'm pleased when people tell me how well behaved Logan is, but a little more of that good behavior at home would be nice, no?

A little update on my mom...we're still looking at another 3 1/2 weeks until the Dr said she can bear weight on her leg. She's still in a nursing home, and we're expecting another 4-6 weeks if not more. It's tough.
She DID however just yesterday 'walk' with a walker 33 steps. That's huge. Granted the steps on her bad leg were all arm work, but she walked 33 steps! I'm super proud!!

Temper tantrum hell

2007-01-30T15:01:00.000-06:00

It is 3:00pm...

Miles USUSALLY sleeps until 3:30pm
TODAY he decided to wake up at 2:00.
2:10 he started crying.
He has not stopped.

He has been screaming and crying and kicking and slobbering for the last 50 minutes.

He's back in bed doing the screaming now because I couldn't listen to it anymore. (Like my house is so big that I can't hear it down my half flight of stairs)

He was made because of the following:

1. He wanted me to stand up and pick him up. I offered my lap because I was sitting. That started the whole she-bang.

2. He wanted me to dry his tears. I did. Then he changed his mind.

3. I asked if I should wipe his slobbering nose. He said no. I did anyway. He got mad.

4. He told me he wanted to go back to bed. I put him there, kissed his cheek and handed him his bear. He threw the bear back at me as more screaming erupted.

5. He said he was better, I brought him a juice box and he went to take a drink and some juice squeezed on his shirt. Meltdown continues.

6. Another begging for me to STAND and hold him didn't work...insert more screaming.

So now, he's in bed...screaming...and if it were ME, I'd cozy up in that pillow and close my eyes again.
...
...
...
3:05-no screaming.

Deep breath. Let the afternoon begin.
3:05 (and 53 seconds...screaming)

I don't USE makeup

2007-01-27T07:21:00.000-06:00

Since I've started doing home shows for this company I've noticed two types of women.
Those who are open to trying most anything and wear makeup on a regular basis and those who almost wear a badge saying, "I don't wear makeup!"
Which is fine with me, really!
I really don't care if sally chooses not to wear makeup, even if I think she should probably put a little concealer on.
The thing that cracks me up is that people say it almost like they are ready for me to debate with them WHY I think she should wear makeup.
Which is another thing that is funny because I've never done a 'Make it up' show. In fact, in my shows we literally take 2 seconds to talk about the makeup and then get right on doing a little pedicure on ourselves.

Perhaps that is what most people think of direct sales people, but it's not me, that's for sure.

If I have so and so come up to me and needs help picking out something for herself and states that she doesn't wear makeup (usually in a 'tone'), then I turn the catalog AWAY from the makeup, obviously!

So, to my very loved loyal few readers...do YOU feel the wall go up when you talk to someone in direct sales thinking that she will try to persuade you that her products are the best ever? Do you expect a debate? Are you one of those who can't speak your mind and then freeze and buy the $50 pan because she promised that your water would boil faster?

2007-01-24T06:52:00.000-06:00

It appears it is much easier these days to READ blogs here and there than to actually make time and blog myself. So thank YOU for blogging on my dry month.

Or could it be that really, anything going on in my life right now is really nothing blogworthy?
Or I guess it could be the fact that I don't think I've ever been so busy in my life running from party to visit my mom to something else that seems to take endless hours of my life away.

I'm sitting here, 6:53am. Dave left for work a half hour ago, and the boys are still sleeping. I can hear the clocks ticking. The coffee is brewing. It's wonderful.

So, you are here, you can answer this question for me.
Swiper the fox. You know him, right?

My son can watch shows that involve aliens and other odd looking creatures without batting a eye. He knows it's pretend. I don't let him watch bad shows or shows involving violence...well, he used to watch the Power Rangers I guess...but regardless. WHY is it that he wakes up 3 times each night coming to tell me he had a bad dream about SWIPER?
And why is it that we had to come up with a special sleep time snake friend because swiper doesn't like snakes?
You see, he WATCHES dora. He LIKES dora. He never once says anything about swiper while he's watch the show, yet at night, he dreams bad dreams about swiper.

So last night, while you were all sleeping peacefully, I was chasing off Swiper the fox. Complete with, you got it, "Swiper no swiping, swiper no swiping, SWIPER NO SWIPING!" :)

2007-01-19T07:46:00.000-06:00

You know the whole 'internet' friend thing...Well, there is someone online that I've never met, and she probably doesn't even know my blog exists. I've been 'reading' and cheering her along for years, literally.
Olivia Drab is pregnant, with a heartbeat and all. Seeing this is pregnancy #10, I'm pretty sure it's anonymous that this deserves a pretty big celebration.

I'm a middle child and have always joked with my parents about how they let all things important (like the CAMERA)slide when it came to me. Yet, my older brother and younger sister didn't miss a beat. I vowed to never do that to my 2nd child. Well crap. It's happening!
I got Logan's picture taken at Sears or Penneys every month in his first year. I did 11 months with Miles.
I got Logan's picture taken on his 1st and 2nd birthday...probably on the day exactly knowing how I was. Miles has been 2 now for 2 weeks and I've yet to bring him in. Along with the sears-penneys thing, we also took a picture every month with the same bear so we could watch him grow. I was doing good with Miles until 10 months when I remember that I didn't do month 9. So, we pretended he was 9 months and took the picture and then gave him a bath and then gave him month 10 with his hair wet and in different clothes. Shhh!
Then, I totally forgot month 11, but I remembered month 12.

Video, OH the video. I have video of Logan just laying there. It's incredible how much video I have of him. I just don't have the time to drag out the camera every day.
I'm slacking.
But DAMN I made it so hard to keep up!
Why did I think that I'd have time to do all that with #2? I should have made it easy and did the typical 1-3-6-12 month pictures, right? ;)

I'm sure this is a typical scenario, the 2nd child thing. So, I've decided to stop joking with my mom about the fact that I have 3 pieces of info in my baby book...total. One was my weight at birth, my length at birth and the color of my hair.
NOTHING else.
Luckily, both boys have a chuck full baby book they can see someday (which they probably won't care because they are BOYS and do your husbands really care when they sat up alone or when they first tried peaches? I think not)

Thought provoking words by "best friend Gayle"

2007-01-16T07:42:00.000-06:00

I'm not a big Gayle fan. I feel like she holds on to Oprah's tail feathers and somehow thinks she is just about as important as she is.
Which is silly really, because really, why should I honestly care about Gayle.
But still, she gets under my skin.

She was on Rachel Ray the other day. (Whom I still really can't stand. But for some reason, even though I hardly EVER watch TV during the day, I find myself watching 10-15 minutes of her every other week or so)

I was watching, irritated at her until she said something that had the most truth that I could ever believe.
She was talking about her mom who passed away in 1994.
She said the thing she misses the most about not having a mom is not having someone who really truly wants to hear about every small detail of your life. And not just pretending to be interested, but really truly IS interested in everything about you.

This is SO true about my relationship with my mom.
It's incredible how much my mom can listen, offer advice when warranted but in the same token, keep it to her self when she knows that is the right thing to do.
She gets excited about things that don't even affect her, but they affect me, therefor they make her happy.
She listens to stories about neighbors, friends, business, beauty, my kids of course, cooking stories and stories just about nothing.
She's ALWAYS there to lend an ear.

Sometimes I think I'm the luckiest person in the world to have such a great mom.
I can only hope that someday my kids think of me as that person who wants to know everything, because I know I will. But then again, they are boys, and it just isn't the same.

But that is why it's so hard to see her suffer.
If you had to imagine the nicest person, my mom would be it.
My dad told me that about a week ago she saw a man holding a 'will work for food' sign and she begged him to turn around so she could give him $10 for lunch.
That's just the kind of person she is.
She'll engage in conversation with the grocery store clerk, the bank clerk, and any receptionist. She'll buy cookies or wrapping paper from any child who rings her doorbell.
She never talks bad about anyone.
If she had $6 to her name and some little child needed it, she'd hand it over without a second thought.

But don't think I always thought of her this way. Of course I didn't. It's that age old, 'you respect your mother a million times more when you have kids of your own'.
Amen to that.

My mom hasn't been able to bear any weight on her leg yet, but she has sat in a chair on 2 occasions already. They were hoping to have some progress in the weight bearing issue, but she's not ready. The longer she waits, the harder it will be.
By the end of the week, she'll be in a rehab center (a better term than nursing home) for an undetermined amount of time until she can become more independent.
Sucks.

Crusts

2007-01-13T08:08:00.000-06:00

Back in my 'hmm...I must just be a darn good parent because my only child does everything I ask and is really a good child!' stage I used to look at children who would have the crusts cut off their sandwiches like their moms were crazy.
Why are you cutting off the crusts?
Just leave them there and he'll/she'll eat them.

I told you I was naive, didn't I?

See, I just made my child his PB&J and he'd eat it, crust and all.
I didn't see the point in cutting off the crusts.

But I've learned something.

Not all kids eat crusts.

Shocking, I know! But what I didn't know, EVER, is that perhaps the parent has nothing to do with it.

Miles doesn't eat crusts, ever.
He'll start with his sandwich and eat until he gets close to the crust, and then it's obvious to him that his sandwich is gone, even though he's got half of it left.

"Eat this!" I'll say happily handing him the crust.
"Ackies"

So, what have I started to do now?
CUT OFF THE CRUSTS!
Why? Because if I CUT them off, he'll eat it all. If I leave them there, he'll eat 1/2 of a 1/2 a piece of bread.

Isn't it funny how much you think you know as a parent, and then #2 comes around and teaches you that you didn't know half of what you thought you knew?

_____________________________
This is my poor attempt to blog and think about something other than my mom who is currently in the hospital with a rod down her entire femur bone with three 5 inch screws attaching her femur bone to her hip bone. She fell and broke her bone in 3 places. She's in for such a long long recovery. :(

2nd opinion

2007-01-11T08:35:00.000-06:00

Logan had his second opinion on Tuesday.
Dave had planned on coming, but couldn't get out of a 2 day training class where he was the only one to represent his group.
Logan and I went alone, but I wished Dave could have joined us.
It's strange, walking into a place that is strictly for kids with Autism.
Kids coming in and out, actually, only boys. Moms smiling at each other. Staff WAY to eager and overwhelmingly nice.
I didn't like it.
I hoped we didn't belong there.

The diagnosis took a little under 3 hours.
It involved asking me a lot of questions, asking Logan a lot of questions and then LOTS of play with Logan.
His last diagnosis didn't involve very much play, so I was relieve that she was taking the time to really REALLY engage with Logan and see him with her own eyes. In the back of my head I thought, MAN! She'd make a great nanny on those days where I just need to bury my head in the sand! :)

The appointment was emotional, hard, and really something that I wish I never had to do. This woman was way better at 2 way conversation than the last guy.
He was your typical psychiatrist. His nodding and lack of response was rather cold and dry. He didn't really push my emotions.
This woman was a parent of young kids and she GOT it. She made it easy for me to really explain and really share what Logan was like.

Well, anyway, she agreed. Aspergers.
And for some reason, having 2 people say he has Aspergers is way harder than when the first person said it. I had some thoughts that maybe he was wrong. But, he wasn't.

Upcoming, more 10 page forms to fill out. All picking apart the growth and development of my child. I hate them. More evals (well, one more for the state) and then we'll start therapy. Eventually. For now, we're just doing our thing.

2007-01-10T07:48:00.000-06:00

I'm not dead.
I will resurface soon...maybe...I hope.

It's a funny thing, time.

2007-01-03T12:38:00.000-06:00

Today is a glorious day.
It's been busy with work...good work!

I mailed out the gifts for that celebrity I told you about. Very very excited about that.
I mailed out a packet of information for a new 'recruit' that I have for my 2nd business. Again, very exciting.
I finally got the boot for Logan's foot. Yay. Now he things he's thee coolest 5 yr old in the world and surprise, his foot doesn't hurt anymore!
I've sent off the OK to be included in a major baby show that will include my company in a email list of over 9,000 people as well as on their site and in their program folder.
Dave and I have made some major business decisions that will affect how we run our company as well.
Life is very good so far this year.
I can't help but be happy every morning when I wake up and even still happy when my head hits the pillow.

Did I mention that today is Miles' birthday?
Yep. He's two years old today.
Two.
I'm a mom of a 5 year old and a 2 year old.
Isn't that wonderful.
The funny thing, last year at this time I wasn't feeling so optimistic.
Remember?
Go ahead, click the link. I'll wait.

Last year was a really hard time for me. I remember sitting there like a maniac watching the clock with my hospital records in hand reliving what I couldn't remember, wishing they took longer notes so that I could understand everything.
I remember crying a lot last year and being grateful that Miles and I were both still alive.
This year, I don't have any of those feelings. Sure, I know that exactly right now 2 years ago today I was lying on the bed willing myself to just make it until it was time to get up and go to the hospital. I was too sick to even freak out, but my mind was freaking out.
But you know what? I'm not having a hard time with it this year.

They say that first anniversary's of traumatic events are the hardest, and boy let me tell you that that was right in my situation.
This 2nd anniversary is so different.
This year I"m sitting there listening to Miles try to say 'Happy Birthday' and trying to show me that he can (NOT) stick 2 fingers out and say 'Two!'
I'm thinking how blessed we are that finally after many MANY MANY months he's decided to go with the flow and not be so cranky anymore.
I enjoyed the sleepy headed little boy that decided he needed to sit on my lap for a half hour this morning snuggled in with a blanket and a pacifier while watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse together before he decided it was time to start the morning with breakfast.
There is no more anxious feelings. No more jealous of others with normal births and normal conception times. I don't even want to laugh at the women who say they had a HORRIBLE birth experience even though they were able to deliver in a normal amount of time, with an epidural and no 15 extra bodies at what seemed like 15 I.V.'s in the room when the baby was coming out. (well, OK, I still laugh in my head) My feelings of bitterness are gone.
That is something I never would have thought would be the case.

Time, it changes everything.
The last 5 years I have changed into a complete different person.
Life hardened me in some spots and completely mellowed me out in others.
I'd like to talk about this soon, so hopefully I won't forget.

As for now, I can sit back and realize that my baby is really no longer a baby.
He's a 2 year old boy.
We've made it through another year and will, God willing, have many more to cherish.

Happy Birthday little buddy.
You've changed my life.

First broken bone

2007-01-02T13:11:00.000-06:00

Yesterday evening, Logan was at his Grandparents house. They have wall to almost wall wood floors and Logan likes to run and slide on his knees.
Unfortunately, his toes bent and they heard a loud crack.
He was unable to walk all night and woke up a few times in the middle of the night in pain.

Here, I thought he sprained/strained it. I thought the constant, "Mom, can you carry me to the table?" was him looking for attention! Bad mommy!!

We went in for X-rays today and the doctor wasn't positive it if was broken or not so he had Radiology look. Sure enough! One of the middle bones was broken. Then he asked pediatric orthosurgery JUST to be sure, and again they agreed it was broken.

Logan's got to wear a boot, but no cast, Thank GOD! Can you imagine? (Mom Underground, I guess you can, huh?)

So, I've got one child who is chair bound. What can I do to get the other one to sit on a chair for the rest of the afternoon?

Bring in the dumpster (and some exciting news)

2006-12-29T08:34:00.000-06:00

I'm got in in my system...the need to purge.
It usually happens this time of year, but not to the severity that it has this year.

I wish I could say I was organized. It's really a goal of mine, but we're not.
We're NOT!
We're 'pilers'. We pile everything and then eventually we've got a grocery shopping bag full of papers that need to be filed etc...

We've got a tiny basement. We live in a tri-level which means 3 half levels of living space and only 1 half level of basement. Add in the laundry area, a finished office for Dave and all of my scrapbooking stuff, it doesn't leave much room for 'stuff'.
So yesterday I decided that I didn't need a LOT of that stuff anymore.
I mean, really, do I need to have exasaucers and bouncy seats and highchairs anymore?
NO! Do I need carton after carton of baby BOY clothes? NO!!!!
IF we are going to adopt, we're not coming home with a baby OR a boy, so what's the point?
My sister is visiting and I filled up the back of the Santa Fe with all sorts of things. She took the exasaucer, but didn't want the bouncy seats. She took half the clothes, the 'cute' ones. She took old curlers that I would NEVER use EVER again. She took old nicknacks, candles, candle holders, vases. She took old holiday decor that has never seen the light of day.

After Dave got home, I loaded up the ENTIRE back of my van full of baby things and pottery and old nicknacks that Jesy didn't want and shoes and coats and ALLLLL kinds of things to take to Good Will.
The only reason I stopped filling up the van is because there was NO MORE ROOM in my van.
I still have 2 huge bags of shoes to take, LOTS more baby clothes to go through, and a million bags of toys I could deliver today. Not to mention clothes that Dave and I don't wear.
The toy thing is the tricky part because it has to be done sans children. Not too easy when you stay at home with your children.

Dave at first was all, "aren't you going to Craig list this stuff? Ebay it?"
But really, we got a tax deduction, so it's all the same, just 1/4 of the work.

I'm just ready to purge and start fresh. Perhaps if I get rid of all the things we will NEVER use anymore, we'll be able to start organizing more.
-----------------
As for the exciting news.
My company (trying not to steer family members here) is included in a gift basket for one pregnant celebrity. This celebrity is expecting the gift basket, so it's not just going out without knowing that she'll even get it. She'll get it! She'll hold my little tees in her hands. Whether she'll like them or have her babies wear them is another story, but I'm a big fan and super excited! It's a gamble, but fun none the less!

Come on Kid!

2006-12-28T11:34:00.000-06:00

So, everyone who knows Logan knows that he has to win all games, be correct on everything he talks about, and he always, ALWAYS knows more than you.
Don't question that. Even if you know that you know, he still knows.

Here are some prime examples:

Today, while in the car waiting at the red light...
Light turns green, I go.

"MOM! You just ran a red light!"
"No Logan, that was for the people on the other side."
"Nah-AH! (if you have older kids, you know this mumble) It was for YOU Mom, and you ran it, and now we're going to get a ticket!"
"OK...but you're incorrect...but OK"
"No, you're incorrect"

Pulling out of a 4 way stop, turning left.

"MOM! You just ran a stop sign."
"Logan, that stop sign was for the other side. THEY have to stop there. We already stopped."
"No Mom! That was for US!"
"OK bud...whatever"
"Whatever Mom, but it WAS for us"

Pulling into the parking space at Target was a bit of a maneuver. I pulled in but was a bit crooked. I put it in reverse to straighten myself out and Logan said,

"MOM! This IS a spot. What are you not taking it?"
"Come ON Kid! Can't you let the person who has the drivers license figure out the rules about driving?!?!"

Seriously, what am I going to do when he DOES know more than me!!

My sappy little post

2006-12-23T16:22:00.000-06:00

OK, I was done posting until after Christmas, but then I'm sitting here, alone in my quiet house for a few more minutes and thought I'd take an opportunity to make a memory of my feelings right now.
I'm listening to Christmas music at the moment. My favorite songs are songs about Jesus and his birth. I'm not overly religious, but I was as a child. I went to a Lutheran school K-8th grade. We had church daily and we did amazing Christmas programs. This time of year is a favorite of mine.
Unfortunately, we do Christmas Eve with Dave's parents. I've been dying to go see a Christmas program at a church for a couple of years now, and I just haven't made myself skip the family time to go.
2 years ago, when I was big and fully pregnant with Miles during this time, Christmas songs about Jesus' birth made me cry. I felt like I knew a little bit what Mary felt like...in a weird little way.
Very weird way.
But I did.
I felt my baby in my tummy and wondered when he would come. Would he be born on the day Jesus was born? How did Mary travel that far being THIS big?
It was the most emotional Christmas of my life.
Last year, as I was nearing the first anniversary of my birth, otherwise known as Miles 1st birthday, the tears still came.
This year, I hear my new favorite Christmas song, 'Do you hear what I hear?' and again, I feel so emotional.
I'm totally not feeling the Santa part of Christmas this year. One thing that is has been true for me, once I became a mother, the Jesus part of Christmas totally takes over the Santa part.
I just love Christmas, and hope that soon, VERY soon I can take Logan and Miles to a program to witness the REAL miracle of Christmas.

2006-12-23T15:47:00.000-06:00

It's been a week filled with baking, shopping and cleaning.
The holidays are finally here...but I'm feeling a bit ba-humbug about it all.
Sometimes, even though I realize that I am lucky, I wish that we lived FAR away from family.
We could do our own celebrations, our own traditions and not have to worry about anyone else.
That leads me to the grouchy feeling I get toward certain extended family members that I see a couple times a year that totally bug the crap out of me.
Heaven knows I can't actually tell my REAL feelings, so I continue on, almost biting a hole in my lip, just to make it though the visit.
Family-can't live with them, can't live without them...or can you?

I think this is the best year yet when it comes to giving. I am positive that everyone will love what they got, and THAT is a good feeling!

I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday!!

2006-12-21T08:47:00.000-06:00

When times get overwhelming, take my advice...get a pedicure!
Last night, blogger friend 1, blogger friend 2 and I went out for dinner and manicures/pedicures.
I'll be honest, I thought about canceling right up to the last minute. I thought, I've still got one more present to buy that will cost about $40, and the pedicure is going to cost about $40.
I went back and forth.

I need a nice relaxing night.

I don't need to spend $40 on it.

But I need a nice relaxing night....

Yeah, well, I went for it, and I'm SO glad I did.

This is the 2nd time I've been to this place.
It's not a fancy salon by any stretch.
It's small, with 4 manicure stations and 4 pedicure stations.
It appears to be a family business.
And they work HARD.

Embarrassingly enough, my guy had to work a little harder on my feet than blogger friend 1, but let me tell you, my feet are SOFT!

So, when things are rocky and you just need to relax, schedule yourself a pedicure in a nice little unknown place. They charge $20 less than the fancy ones and probably work 10 times harder to make you happy.

2006-12-20T08:40:00.000-06:00

Let me tell you something, in case you ever come across this.
Age 5 is NOT a good age to get a diagnosis...unless you're a 5 yr old in school already.
Can you believe that they are suggesting 20-25 hours per week of intensive therapy in our home.
20-25 hours.
OK, fine...it's federally funded*, highly recommended...we'll look into it.
"Looking into it" resulted in about 2 hrs of the phone giving information on my son.

"What self stimulatory habits does your son have?"
"What does he eat in a typical day?"
"Does he have friends?"
"Does he like to bring things up to you and share his excitement?"
"When he's playing and having a conversation, can he tell the difference between a rock, an animal and a person?"

Um...ok....yep. I think he can tell a rock is a rock and a person is a person.

"Great. We'll seeing your son has a diagnosis, he qualifies for the state Autism waiver. Go ahead and call this number RIGHT AWAY because there is a waiting list of about 8 to 10 months. The quicker you get on the quicker you'll be able to start!"

Doing a little math in my head(well, on my fingers)...Jan-Feb-March-April-May-June-July-August(8)-Sept-October(10)

"Oh, we'll there will be a problem then because Logan will be in Kindergarten in 8-10 months."

"Yes, we recommend that you do one of two things: Either hold him back a year so he can get a full year of therapy or you could have him do half days so he can fit in his therapy seeing it must be done at home"

Thinking in my head, this is INSANE! I'm not going to have my poor boy start Kindergarten when he's almost 7 years old. (He'll turn 6 two months after school starts) and I'm not going to make him that kid that has his own schedule in school. Besides, 20-25 hours a week in ADDITION to school. He's just a little kid here.**

"Well, maybe you're not interested in our intensive therapy. We do have other options here. We have social skills groups (which I DO think would be beneficial for Logan) 2x/week as well as a 4 to 1 ratio class for kids getting ready for school 1 time a week. These classes are run by therapist who can help kids make easier transitions and learn all about taking turns and sharing points of view.
RIGHT up our alley.

"Great!! I'm guessing these aren't free, right?"

"Um, no. The classes are $20 each."

$20 x 3=$60 week x 4 weeks = $240/month add on Logan's preschool we're up to $360/month. Add on the gas and frustration 3 times a week, 40+ minutes each way...we're up to again...INSANE!

OK, so I'm stumped really.
Logan has officially been entered in the school district as part of the special ed program. (that was hard to type)
He'll possibly get some therapy through the school district, but it all depends. You don't always get help, even with a diagnosis. And even if we do qualify, I'm not going to take him out of the preschool he's been going to for 1 1/2 years at the last half of the year. I'm just not.

Oh! And then 2 of the people I was talking with asked if I had applied for freaking Medicaid? Medicare? I don't remember which. No, I haven't.

So, that leaves us scratching our heads. Like I possibly said in my last post, you get this diagnosis, get your options, but then it really is up to you to figure it all out by yourself. People are talking about 'advocates' to help you along. To me it just sounds like one other person to pay, but what do I know?

* it would cost more than $80,000 for one year! again, insane

**Of course, I want the best for my son, but I also feel that being a little kid is important. He'll have forever to be 'working' all day. I want him to come home after school and run around with the neighbor kids...if he wants.

Because I'm sure you're all wondering...

2006-12-17T19:08:00.000-06:00

and yes, I'm talking all 4 of you...
How am I feeling about all of this?

There are a few different ways I can look at this, and you can bet that I've looked at them a few different ways already.

First feelings:

Sad. Sad that my little boy who has faced so many obstacles already has to face a lifetime of obstacles. Sad that we as parents have to face more hurdles. Things will never be just 'easy'. Sad that our life plans may to change.

Mad. Mad that criminy, in the last 4 years we've had one thing after another after another thrown at us. I'm SICK of it. I'm angry that we've got another thing that we're staring in the eyes. Mad because I just for once, JUST ONCE want to be the normal one without the problems in my family.

Irritated. Irritated because I'm dealing with family members who don't understand what the big deal is. We're over reacting. He's fine. He's "fine at MY house." So, I have to make a choice right now. Do I sit there and defend what WE as parents see and what PROFESSIONALS see or just let them think they are right and just not talk about it anymore.

In the same token, blessed by other family members who say ever so heartfelt, "let us know what we can do to help." And they truly mean it.

Selfish. My 'in life' friends know that I'm am SO excited that Miles is turning 2 years old. I've got none of the 'awww...I wish he was a baby for just one more day'.
HECK no! The idea of being 29 and having a 5 and a 2 year old is just thrilling to me. I'm excited about the future of having 2 older boys. I'm feeling selfish that this might stand in the way of some of the freedom I was longing for, and longing for my boys to have as well.

Sick. Sick to my stomach. Sick.

Relieved. So there really IS a reason why this last year things have changed so much. So there is a reason why my son won't eat anything other than a few small items of food. There is a reason why my son gets so upset if I accidentally open his door with my key opener instead of Miles when he wanted to open it himself. So really, he's not just crazy when he has to have the water filled up to that little mark on the tub and not a hair below or above. There is a reason why he can't zip his coat or snap his snaps. There is a reason why he can't do art because his hands might get dirty. There is a reason why we have to recite TV shows word to word without making a mistake. There is a reason why my son can recite commercials that he has only heard one time, including the inflections in THEIR voice, not his. There is a reason why we can't joke around with Logan without him getting MAD!
THERE IS A REASON! I almost want to scream it from the roof!

Did I mention sad.

Protective. I wanted to kick the man at the health club today when he gave me the 'look' when Logan decided that he had to "have a few tears" and sit down and take a break when he realized that not everyone was going to play hockey by his rules. FUCK off old man. Really, do you NEED to be blocking your 5 year olds shots in the basketball court just to prove to him that there will always be others better than him. No. You suck.

Afraid. Afraid that Logan will not have any friends. Afraid that he'll be the 'weird one'. The one where some day, when he's older, will get bullied. So very afraid of that. If there were a bubble, I'd take it.

Proud. If you know me, you know that Logan is smart. He's SMART. He's always been smart. Did you know that they suspect Einstein had Asperger's, as well as Bill Gates. There is no telling what my son will do. He really could change the world.

So, let's see...this blog has transformed over the years...

Motherhood, Miscarriage, Secondary infertility, pregnancy, HELLP syndrome, Crabby ass colicky baby, speech delays, Asperger's.

I've got a LOT of feelings to digest, and will make it very clear that this blog will now contain a lot of emotions dealing strictly with autism. I've got to work through this. I've got to blog about bad days (today) and I'm going to blog about good days. I'm going to blog about my experiences with special education searching and the mess that goes along with it. I'm going to blog it all. I'm not going to care one way or another if I lose or gain an audience. (No offense, please!)

So, I hope you'll help me through this journey.

Official Diagnosis

2006-12-15T13:53:00.000-06:00

Asperger's

And the good news is...

2006-12-14T07:08:00.000-06:00

"almost normal" lab results.
It is a relief, of course. Although really, a pill to make it all go away would have been nice.
He surprised us with a nice dinner last night, so I'm hoping Mr. Man is full of energy today.
Our next steps:
Tomorrow we have our diagnostic assessment for the Asperger's.
Tuesday we have that gastrentologist appt. I looked it up and apparently they do all sorts of things, but one of them is nutritional help. Just what we need.

I spent yesterday baking baking baking.
Here's what I made...
White Cranberry Biscotti
Mint Chocolate Truffle cookies

I'm again hosting a cookie exchange involving 12 women tonight at my home. It will be nice to see everyone and the plus side is getting 12 different kinds of cookies while making only 1 kind. The truffle cookies are for the exchange, the biscotti is a stuffer of the favors I made for them to take home.
Oh, and I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend the biscotti recipe. It is SO good!!

Happy Thursday to you!

2006-12-13T09:34:00.000-06:00

So, it went like something like this...

"If we let this go on for 6 more months, he could have organ damage and bone damage or stunting."

After 3 vials of blood were taken, we're waiting patiently for the results.

He will also be going to see a pedi-gastroentologist. (or some big doctor word like that) who will do who knows what.

I'm still thinking it's all in his head, but we'll see what the lab results bring.

Fries with that?

2006-12-12T07:03:00.000-06:00

Thank you for the gift ideas. Actually RIGHT after I posted that post I saw a totally cute bag at overstock.com originally $200 on sale for $35!
Can't beat that!

So, this blog went from one that I shared everything to one where I sort of feel the need to NOT share everything.
That stops here, OK?
I realize that for some silly reason, people don't really believe some parents who say their child has issues that may be almost invisible to others. Some blame things on parenting skills or lack there of.
Logan has issues, and they are getting pretty bad.
He's still my sweet, loving, caring, emotional little boy, he's just got some issues that go along with all of those great quirks.

In our house, meal times are awful. Not in the way you think though.
I don't force my children to eat anything they don't want to eat. I don't believe in pressuring your child to try something new until they are ready, and I feel like if you force meal times, you're bound for major food issues.
BUT, what I DID do is decided that I was not going to be the 'short order chef'. I make dinner (usually WAAY more kid friendly then Dave and I would like, but hey, they're young kids)
We eat things like Spaghetti and burgers and pizza with salads. Nothing 'out there'.

When Logan was a baby eating baby food, he ate everything.
When Logan was a toddler, he'd eat up his peas before anything else. He loved fruits and vegetables and would ask for them all day long.
As he got a little older, they were still good as long as they could be dipped in Ketchup. Hey, so he's not gourmet. ;)
Get to about age 4 and everything changed.
He went from loving veggie lasagna and pasta full of good things to never ever touching pasta again. Not just pasta, but anything that had any mixed texture at all.
OK, so we dealt.
We changed our eating habits a bit and grumbled about it under our breath.

Enter 4 1/2 when there were only about 20 things total that he would eat or drink.
OK, kids go through picky stages, right? Just keep offering, he'll try.

Enter almost age 5 when the list had dropped to only about 10 things.
I actually had him help me make a a list:
Mozzarella cheese, waffles, pancakes, corn dogs (but NOT hot dogs), chicken nuggets(only the brand we buy or sometimes McD's. They are NOT something he'll eat anywhere else), ranch dressing, turkey sandwiches (on a bun, not on bread) PBJ (but only at our house because everyone else's bread was different that ours) Fish sticks, fruit snacks (only certain ones), cheesy noodles (certain instant brand), cheesy soup

I mentioned it to his doctor, and I also mentioned it to his neurologist when we met in November. His doctor had no advice. His neurologist, who told us he thinks he has Aspergers told us that he's not doing this to be naughty. He can't help it. Things affect him differently than the rest of the us. Go ahead and cater to his eating needs. He need to grow. He will NOT be one of those kids who fits in the 'they won't starve themselves' profile. If things are not to his liking, he WILL choose to starve himself.

Enter the past 1 1/2 months.
Things are even worse.

Chicken Nuggets-very rarely does he eat these anymore. All because one time he got a plate of 4 nuggets and he started eating one and then realized that the other 3 were a different shade of brown. They looked different from the one he was eating. We showed him the box, and that they all came from the same box. It didn't matter. He's basically done with those unless he's REALLY out of choices.

Cheesy Noodles-nope! All because one day I made them for him and then put them in the freezer for a couple minutes to cool down. I must not have stirred them around too much because there was a cold noodle. That brought on gagging and then deciding that he's completely done with cheese noodles. Great.

Fruit snacks-nope. All because I accidentally bought the gusher kind that has liquid in the middle. Now he's afraid all of them will have liquid in the middle. Gross. (But really, big deal right. They are fruit snacks, glorified candy. The point being, ONE bite of something took the entire thing off the menu)

If we have something that I KNOW he used to like, but decided he doesn't anymore he'll just skip dinner. Not in a typical "Make me something else" type of way, just a "Can I take my dishes over" and then go sit in the living room until we're done. No begging, no "But I'm HUNGRY!!" Just a realization that he's NOT going to eat.

Logan has always been a big boy. We've proudly boasted that our boy was in the 90% in height and weight. (In fact, at about 9 months he was 97% height and over 100% in weight)
He's a tall solid kid.
Wait, he WAS a tall solid kid.
At his 4 year check up, Logan weighed in at 45lbs (95%) and then gradually dropped each appt that he had last year.
95% to 87% to 72% to 50% at age 5.
He's lost even more weight since that appt. I think when I looked on line he was at 46%. They don't like to see you wavering at your % unless you're overweight or underweight to begin with.

Logan has been so tired lately. He'll literally stop playing to rest. We went to the mall and after only 1/4 of a SMALL wing he had to sit down because he was too tired. He is eating only a few bites of food at each meal, and sometimes completely skipping meals. He doesn't drink milk willingly. We have a deal that if he drinks milk ONE time a day (only about 1-2 inches in a cup) that he can have water the rest of the day. He's choosing to not eat his favorites anymore. (Mc D's included...crazy kid!) To Dave and I, who have always seen him as a big strong boy, he looks wilted. He's SKINNY. You can see his bones.

I called his doctor yesterday and the nurse talked to him.
He wants Logan to come in today for another checkup and to also get some lab work done. He thinks Logan might be anemic because of lack of food.
I'm of course going to ask about things like pediasure, and we are going to start religiously give him vitamins. He usually gets a few a week, but the doc wasn't even wanting us to start them at his 5 yr because most children get everything then need from food. Not here.

I'm just worried about him. Man, who knew I'd deal with eating issues with a little boy??

Extermination

2006-12-09T08:09:00.000-06:00

We've got a bug in our house.
In the last week, I have done the following:

-Battled the 24 (more like 12) hour mild flu.

-Cleaned crib after crib full of puke.

-Clean BED full of puke and luckily was able to continue to dump buckets of puke. (That's the nice thing about being 5)

-Cleaned up way more than a lifetimes fair share of blowout diapers. One of them actually went up to his neck and down to his socks. Yep. That one was fun.

-Cleaned up BED full after BED full of diarrhea because Logan couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. Yeah, THAT is fun too.

Do you see a pattern...these all happened in the middle of the night.

Finally, after I believed that we were all over it, Dave came home from a 10 day business trip. That was Wednesday.
Last night was his turn, in a huge way. The poor guy was up all night getting sick, which of course gave me another night of almost no sleep. So, in 7 nights, 4 of them were completely the worst sleep ever. (Because I'm all selfish like that and make even someone else's flu about me...right)

But after this leaves his body, literally, I am hoping we get on with life germ free.
I've got my Clorox Anywhere spraying the crap out of everything.

Tonight is my first party, and I'm so excited!! I just hope that I don't crash before hand. I'm going to have to have morning AND evening coffee today!

I have a friend who this year has turned into a wonderful great friend. If I were in middle school had to assign a title, I'd probably assign her the big 'best friend' title. We've known each other for 4 years, but have really taken off in the last year.
We see each other multiple times a week-talk almost every day (she's also a consultant) and really can tell each other anything. Her son is PPD-NOS and has been a big help to me facing a possible Aspergers diagnosis.
She's kind and generous and would do just about anything to help me, even if I never asked.
I'd like to get her a Christmas gift this year. Dumb? Silly?
I just would really like her to know that I appreciate her and all she's done for me in the past year.
If you wanted to spend about $50 on a friend, what would you get?
Nothing candle-beauty or apparel.
What do you think??

Did you switch?

2006-12-05T08:23:00.000-06:00

What the heck am I to do about this new blogger beta version?
I'm so not good with change.
What if it screws up my blog?
Then, I can't post on everyone elses blogger blog who DIDN'T upgrade, right?
Why do they do this to me?

Up to my elbows

2006-12-04T09:01:00.000-06:00

For those of you with traveling spouses, you know the drill.
Make life as easy as possible while your spouse is gone and all is well.
Easy meals, perhaps more TV than usual, WAY more outings to pass the time.
Sometimes your efforts make time fly, and sometimes it is just long no matter how many outings you put in your calendar.

Well, I've gotten used to the traveling. I've been solo more times that I could probably count. Luckily with Dave's new job, the traveling has subsided by 90%.
We are currently on day 8 of a 10 day outing.
In the 8 days so far, I had a stomach bug which was NO fun when you have a little boy who can not let you ahem..go to the bathroom alone.

I got over it, and then we moved on to Miles having his first ever flu.
Complete with Diarrhea, vomiting and fever.
He threw up 6 times in one sleep which meant I had to change him and his sheets 6 times in one night and continue on being the happy mom the next day even though I had only a couple short hours of sleep.

Last night Logan started throwing up at 2:30am. I went to bed at 11:30pm.
3 hours of sleep.
From 2:30am-current time(9:09am) he has thrown up every 45 minutes.
EVERY 45 MINUTES.

He's sick, so very very sick. He's NEVER had the flu before in his life. He's so sad and after the first 'incident' told me that he didn't want the flu and asked how I was going to make it go away NOW.

The good thing about having the flu when you're 5 vs almost 2 is that you can aim in a bucket. I only had to change the sheets one time for him. The rest of the time was me dumping the bucket, gagging, willing myself not to throw up, and then rinsing it out in the tub..all while hoping and praying Miles wasn't going to wake up with all the commotion.

Logan is usually a mountain of energy.
Right now, he's laying on the floor with his pillow and blanket watching something that Miles likes just so Miles will be quiet.
One thing about Logan is that he doesn't lay anywhere except his bed.
He never lays down to watch TV.
He's sad and sick and I just feel awful for him.

And because I'm the most selfish person in the world, I'm sad for me too because dammit, I'm TIRED! 2 nights in a row with no sleep and no husband to help clean up puke equals one tired cranky mama!!

So, I've been up to my elbows, literally, in puke and puke filled towels, sheets, blankets and jammies.

2006-12-02T19:26:00.000-06:00

On the way home from my parents tonight...

"Mom, can I play the X-box when we get home?"

"Logan, I don't like it when all you want to do is play the X-box"

"But mom, I didn't watch hardly ANY TV at Grandma's house"

"Really, cause I think you watched quite a bit"

"Oh"

"oh"

"So, can I?"

"I haven't decided yet"

"Oh"

....30 seconds later....

"So, can I?.....Mrs. Beautiful?"

holding back as much laughter as I could..."Did you call me Mrs. Beautiful just because you thought it would work?"

"yeah"

"thanks..."

"so...can I?"

Yellow

2006-12-01T11:10:00.000-06:00

I heard through the grapevine that Greg, the yellow wiggle was not going to be preforming with the wiggles anymore due to a health scare.
I was sad for him, but didn't think much about it.

I got a call from my sister who relayed the message from her fiancé that he was glad to hear that Greg was gone. He's sometimes jerky about kid things. He's not a father, no nieces or nephews (besides my kids-soon to be their uncle) and he's never been around kids.

I got curious and started doing some research.
My research lead me to the wiggles home page.

The Wiggles

I then read yesterdays press release about Greg's decision to leave and exactly what is wrong with him. If it wasn't sad enough, Greg recorded a personal message regarding his decision to leave complete with handing over his yellow 'skivvy'.

I'll admit it. I cried listening to him.
I have a mother with a chronic disease that affects her balance, walking and basically life. It too isn't life threatening, but affects her everyday.

If I could ever say anything to Greg, it might be a little something like this.

At first, the idea of watching the Wiggles was not something I was too keen on. I got the videos for Logan anyway and of course learned all the words and actions by heart.
Logan was hooked. I was hooked. As embarrassing as this is for him, Dave was hooked.
Along came Miles.
Ahhh...Miles.
Mr. Never Content.
I introduced Miles to the wiggles soon after he turned one.
Amazingly enough, when the wiggles were on, he wasn't crying.
Soon, he was doing the motions with the wiggles.
When he was crabby, I'd sing songs that I of course had memorized many years earlier.
It calmed him down like nothing before.
If the TV is on a time out, we'll turn on the wiggles CD.
He stands there, right next to the CD player memorized by the words and music.

To me, the Wiggles are not some band full of flakey men.
They got the 'gay' card thrown at them many times, even when some of them got married and had children.
To me, the wiggles have been my sanity.
Logan is 5 and while he doesn't request to watch them anymore, he'll happily listen to the songs on the radio and even join Miles in watching the video at times.

Greg may be a bit eccentric, but he's the voice of the band.
You know, when you have kids, young kids, you sort of lose a bit of your adult enjoyments.
Sure, I love DMB, but honestly I listen to the wiggles more than I listen to Dave.
You could call me a fan I guess.

I'm sad to hear that Greg is so sick that he couldn't just take time off, but literally passed the torch on to someone else.

I'm sure Sam, the new yellow, will do a great job, but he'll never be the real yellow wiggle.
I wish Greg and his family the best, and I hope that he can find a way to make his symptoms not take control of his life.

------------
Written while the Wiggles are on my TV right now!
Ahoy there me hardies!

December

2006-11-28T08:29:00.000-06:00

Did Mother Nature forget that it IS almost December?
It's supposed to be 59 degrees today.
Now, if I could pick a climate to live in, I'd pick one that the average in the winter is 50. I feel almost like I am in that perfect climate!
Unfortunately, I feel that winter is soon to hit and my hunch is that it's going to be a COOOOLD January.

I really think I'm in denial about really how late in the year it is!
As it's being said around blog world, 'Christmas his blown up in my living room'.
My tree is up, decorations are up, yet I somehow think I have an endless time to go shopping.
I am finished with everyone except for the kids. The most important ones, you know!
I am STUMPED on what to buy for Logan this year.
He is so not into toys.
I could by him a few X-box games and he would think it was the best Christmas EVER, but that would mean I'd have to let him play the x-box more than he does now and that isn't going to happen.
Miles is going to be a piece of cake. If he can push it around, he's happy. He'll be getting a pretend vacuum and a pretend shopping cart for sure. Other than that, who cares. He's two. He'll be happy with the box!! :)

After looking at these Christmas cards I realized that I have no idea if I am going to be able to make my cards this year, even though I've made them for the past 6 years. I haven't even thought about it yet!
I'm flying solo the next two weeks, of if someone has any easy cute ideas, shoot them my way.
I'm just not a store bought card kind of person!
What do you send out? Do you make your cards? Buy them? Do the photo cards and just slap them in an envelope?

2006-11-24T09:54:00.000-06:00

Apparently Walmart.com is NOT the place to shop on black friday, huh?
I seriously can't stress how irritating this is!
Grrrr!!!

Are you going shopping?

2006-11-22T13:22:00.000-06:00

I used to be a Friday after Thanksgiving shopper.
I loved waking up looking for deals.
THEN, I had a child. I was NOT going to wake up earlier than he did just to go shopping.
Dave usually has to work on Fridays, but at his new job he has off!

I'm debating going this year.

The last time I went was 2 years ago. I didn't go really early, in fact, I went at 8:00am.
I was REALLY pregnant with Miles, and totting Logan around, who was just 3 years old along with me.
When I realized that there was NO parking in the entire Kohl's parking lot, I moved the cones at Friday's and parked there.
I figured that if they were going to give an 8 month pregnant woman and her 3 year old son a parking ticket, they were just mean.
We found a few items and waited in line for 45 minutes.
It was totally NOT worth it.

This year though, I'm running out of time for Christmas shopping. Now that I started the body shop parties, I'm booking up for December, I've got playgroups, cookie exchanges, and then Dave will be gone for 10 days.
I have NO idea how I will get it done unless I just go.
But then again, how much time will I waste standing in lines as long as the store itself.
And then, are the sales REALLY that good that you must stand in line for an hour? Or are they the same sales you'll see the weekend after?

I must go do some research.
if anyone knows anything that I SHOULD be aware of, please fill me in!

Tis that time of year again!

2006-11-20T12:46:00.000-06:00

With so much to do you don't know if you'll remember everything?
Who's with me?
I am almost finished Christmas shopping for the extended family, but for my kids, I've got nothing.
And that nothing includes ideas as well.
I do this dumb thing and tell everyone who asks what the boys want for Christmas MY ideas so that I have nothing left.

Who here has family issues during the holidays?
I came from a feuding family. When I grew up, my Aunt and Uncle lived next door. EVERY holiday, all of the family would go to their house. We were not invited. Sure, us kids were, but not our parents. We would go for an hour or so to visit (just me, my brother and sister) because our cousins were our best friends and we didn't want to get involved with the parental issue. We didn't understand all the logistics at the time. All we knew is that all of our cousins were getting presents from OUR aunts and uncles all around, and we weren't getting any.
As we grew up a bit, we realized that we just wanted to stop going.
I was still best friends with my cousin that was my age.
We didn't want to get mixed up with who hated who why. We just knew that we were cousins and we loved each other.

Holidays at my house were lonely. Like I said, as a kid all I longed for was that packed house like my Cousins had. We had the 5 of us. Mom, Dad, me, sister, brother.
Every year...Every holiday.
We sort of had a pact, the 5 of us.
Sure, we could have just ordered a pizza seeing it was just us, but we always tried to make big yummy meals.

Now that I am grown and married and have kids and an extended family I feel like I am betraying my family if holiday gatherings clash.
Take this year for example. The plan was to be at my parents from 2:30-5:00ish and then Dave's family from 5:00ish to 7:30ish. (they live 5 minutes from each other)
Well that changed when we realized that Dave's grandparents would be coming.
Now, we're switching times so that we can eat with the grandparents who are pushing 90 and will not be around much longer.

My sister will be celebrating with her soon to be extended family.
That leaves my Brother-Mom-Dad for dinner. We'll come for dessert.

But the thing is, I feel awful.
That pact we made is slowly fading.

I just don't want my brother, dad and mom to feel that same feeling I felt 20 years ago staring out the window seeing all the happy people celebrating the holidays.

Well, OK then

2006-11-15T12:59:00.000-06:00

You know how being a mother is truly thee hardest yet most wonderful thing?
Your heart is literally running around and jumping and playing right before your eyes.
You can't stop it.
You can't make it slow down.
You can't change the intense feelings that goes along with motherhood.

Mr. Man had his appointment with the neurologist yesterday.
He has quirks.
Many many quirks.
He's also very sensitive when it comes to his sensory.
He's got Sensory Integration Dysfunction. I'm not labeling him really, just so you can understand what exactly some of his issues are.
The senses that are involved: just about all of them.
He constantly covers his ears, he gags on strong smells, he'll eat about 10 things total, he freaks out if his feet are not on the ground, tags drive him crazy...the list goes on and on.

That's the thing about parenthood. You just learn as you go. Sure, I should have seen this was a problem, but I didn't. I saw it as Logan. Logan doesn't like to go on his back or be flipped over. Logan doesn't like the texture of pasta or oatmeal. Logan just has sensitive hearing.
But in having another child, I realized that Miles didn't have these same issues. And now that I was looking, neither did the other kids we played with.

After a long appointment, we found out a couple things.
Logan is ambidextrous.
Logan most likely has this.

It's not really a HUGE surprise. If you know me IRL, you know that I've thought something was off.
We have to get a formal assessment done, which will be sometime soon at the Children's Hospital.
He'll also be evaluated by the school district next month.

Here starts our next round of life.

2006-11-14T14:04:00.000-06:00

OK, call it a late 20's crisis.
I just don't know what I want to do with my life.
But you know what, I've just decided to just sort of continue going with the flow and not get fixated on finding that perfect career.
After talking to my friend about The Body Shop, I think I'm going to do that for now.
I'm a cosmetologist, which will give me a little head up in the business i think.
I'll be doing it for ME, with no expectations on making a ton of money. I'll be doing it for fun. (And it IS fun, if you ever get invited to one)

So there.
I give myself permission to procrastinate growing up for a while longer.

Traveling cosmetologist?

2006-11-10T20:51:00.000-06:00

OK, I top the cake when it comes to people who don't know what they want to do with their life when the grow up!
I know, I know!!

BUUUT!!!
My friend became a 'Body Shop' rep and has been sharing so many samples etc...with me. (on a side note, if you are thinking about doing something like this, this company ROCKS!!)

Anyway, working with the products etc...I've REALLY been itching to get back into cosmetology BIG time.
I'm so hesitant to go work in a salon part time evenings because so soon Logan will be in Kindergarten all day and I wouldn't want to leave him right when he gets home. I'd never see him. And in order to be successful, you have to work evenings and weekends.

Here is my thoughts...you know how people have botox parties? What if people had mani or pedi parties or highlight parties or facial parties?
Invite a bunch of friends over, obviously a limit on the number, and have them all soaking their feet, drinking some wine, chatting away while I do their feet? (or hands...or face in a separate room...probably not hair I guess because rinsing would be a problem)
I could limit it to 4 people maybe so that it's not TOO long.

I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud.
I really do miss beauty, and have been out of it for YEARS!
I'd have to get my manager's license to be legal, but I'd like to get that anyway...

Thoughts?

Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde

2006-11-08T14:50:00.000-06:00

First let's just say turning 5 rocks.
I'm so proud of my big boy! I mean, he really is just a plain old BOY now!
Just less than a year and he'll be headed off to school for the rest of his childhood! How strange that will be.
We had 2 parties, one kid party and one family party.
If anyone is in the market for a really easy, yet fun party idea, let me say that bowling is IT!
It was reasonable in price, (only $8 per kid. Included pizza, pop, shoes, 1 game and a goodie bag for each kid!)
It was short, but long enough.
They cooked FOR me.
It couldn't have been better.

Logan scored TWO Spongebob cakes! (made by me...no picking on my decorating job)

Now, tomorrow is the big 5 year shot and checkup day. I'll be sure to give a full update. I'm hoping that they have enough strength to hold him down because it will be tough. I'm nauseaus just thinking about it. Lord give us strength!

Now, regarding the title of the post.
My baby boy. (I can still call him that, right? He's not yet 2! :))

Miles is and always has been high needs....for me.
You all know this already I know, but let me spell it out for you again.

MILES is the CRABBIEST baby I've EVER met in my life.
The thing is, is he's not ALWAYS crabby.
He's basically fine at other peoples homes, (grandparents etc....) and he's sort of fine when I'm not home, BUT for ME he's a MAJOR crab always.
He cries SOOOO much. He crabs, he whines and he's obviously defiant. I ask him to do something and he looks me in the eyes and does something else. I tell him not to do something and he looks me in the eyes and does it anyway. We're not talking just regular toddler behavior, we're talking CONSTANTLY.
He hits me, he pulls my hair, he scratches me, he throws things at me, purposely spills his milk if he knows I'm not moving fast enough to clear his dishes....

As you can imagine, my self esteem on being that 'great mom' is fading away. Sometimes I think I suck more than I am good. Sometimes I think to myself that Miles just can't stand me, regardless of the fact that I carry him around on my hip and try to make him happy as much as I can.
See, WHY is he not this unhappy around others? THAT is what makes me feel awful.

Today was the day that almost brought me to tears.
I was the snack helper today for Logan's preschool (it means I bring snack and spend the entire day at school)
I had to drop Miles off with my good friend who has a daughter 7 months older than Miles. I was SO worried. He woke up at 6:00 today, and I thought about how much grief he was giving her. I thought it was going to be awful. I rushed though my cleaning duties and couldn't get back fast enough.

"Out of all the neighbor kids that I watch, Miles is BY FAR the most mellow laid back EASY one there is"

THAT is what she said?!?!?! (She's watched him before)

So, of course, what do I think? What CAN I think?
I know he loves me, obviously. There is no replacement for mommy when he needs some love. But why isn't he HAPPY for me? What am I not giving him that he needs.
I then think possibly I'm doing a disservice to him by staying home with him. Perhaps he needs more than I can give him?
Do you think he'd strive in daycare?
seriously.
Do you?

Help me help him.

FIVE

2006-11-07T10:03:00.000-06:00

Turning 5 is very special you know. It's a whole hand!
Happy birthday my big little man.
AMAZING to me to think I started blogging when he was still in a crib.
B-day party pics to come.

Can't you almost hear the giggles?

2006-11-02T13:17:00.000-06:00

2006-10-31T08:20:00.000-06:00

When you arrive at the gym at 5:15 to go to a class you've never been to before, there's always a bit of awkwardness.
It could be the fact that you should still be SLEEPING, or it could just be the fact that everyone else in the class is a regular, and you are not.
Today was RPM. It's a spinning type class.
I've never taken a cycling class before, but it's just a stationary bike! How hard can it be?
This is a quote from the description:

RPM/Cycling is a fun, athletic, cardiovascular cycling workout that kills calories in record time - up to 900 in a single class. It's a team cycling experience that incorporates the best of indoor cycling and motivational coaching techniques. And it's suited for any age and any fitness level

Any age and any fitness level. Perfect.

First, you must wheel your bike into the classroom. The only problem I found was that I could only move the bike inches at most. How the hell were these people getting these heavy ass things in the room? Luckily some 60+ish old woman helped me.(In case you are ever in the predicament, you must really PUSH the handle bars down to your knees. Very easy to push then. I'm just not functional at 5:15am)
I think to myself, if SHE can do this class and help me carry the bike, I'm set.
THEN, I look around and think how screwed I am.
The class is not full of the same women that attended the class I took yesterday.
Nooooo, oh no.
THIS class was full of MEN.
30-somethings full of muscle and strength.
Each with a towel to wipe the sweat. (ew)

Let's just say that my ass has to adjust to sitting on a hard bike seat.
NOT fun.
Let's also say that it was NOT easy.
The fact that I was scared to get OFF the bike because I didn't know if my legs would actually hold my weight is a good indication of how the class went.
The fact that I was thinking that maybe a sweat towel would be a good thing to bring next time is also an indication of the work that was involved. Sweat towels to me are the most disgusting thing in the world.

So, 2 days down, 3 to go!
I was surprisingly happy after class today. But I still needed my java afterwards!!

Why I could never be a worker bee anymore

2006-10-30T08:07:00.000-06:00

I've got this BAAAAAD issue with waking up for a certain reason.
If I've got an appointment, a vacation, a guest visiting early I can never get a good nights sleep.
I go to bed early, toss and turn and then get mad at Dave when he falls asleep first even though I went to bed an hour earlier than him.
If I had to get up for an important career, I'd never make it. Unless it was in an office that offers naps.

For some unknown reason I've gained about 5 pounds in the last month.
I'm pissed about it, of course.
I've done nothing to entice the weight loss. I've basically eaten the same.
The only thing that I have done the same that would be the reason for the weight gain is a whole hell of a lot of nothing.
I'm not very physical.
I like to sit.
Sure, I'll dance along to the wiggles here and there with the kids, but really, I'd prefer to sit on the couch and watch.
Obviously I could only keep my nice 1-teens for awhile with my lack of drive.
It's alllll over.

Now, seeing I'm nearing my 30's, I realize that it won't be as easy to keep in shape with little exercise. I've made another life altering decision. (Gosh, seriously, first it's the laundry, then the budgeting, now this. I think I'm undertaking too much)
From today on out, I am taking a 5:30am class at the health club.

Today it was Body Pump.
Tomorrow it will be RPM.
Wednesday it will be Body Step.
Thursday I think it will be RPM again. (They SAY you can burn up to 900 calories a class!)
Friday, Body pump again.

I've gotta boost my body into gear.
How do I feel right now at 8:09?
TIRED as hell. But good! And proud! And enjoying my coffee.
I figure that many people have to wake up at 5:00am every day to get ready for work, then their kids ready and then out the door. Who am I to think I deserve to sleep until 6:30 every morning?
I've heard that it takes a month to get your body used to a new habit.
So, basically this month will sort of suck.

But, I'm determined this time. This time I have no excuses.
My excuse before was that Miles flips out every time I put him in the daycare. This time he's at home happily sleeping.
What I need to do is look at it like ME time. I need to realize that yes, it's early, but it's THEE only time that I will be able to go and know that I'll be able to finish the entire class without getting called out by daycare.
I can concentrate on ME, and not stress about hearing my name on the loudspeaker.

So, I slept like crap last night because I was anxious. I hope that feeling goes away soon.
Today, I'll need a nap!

Budgeting

2006-10-27T14:19:00.000-05:00

I have another confession:I hate money.

OK, not really hate MONEY, but I hate talking about money and what we have and don't have and what we save and don't save and what we should spend and save and.....AHHHHH!

I'd rather cover my ears and sing 'la la la la la' over and over until Dave shuts up!

Now, I've never been an over spender. We always pay our credit card at the end of each month. We are very careful with our money. We spend wisely.
Money talk just stresses me out to no end.
We've tried the writing down every penny we spend for a month to see what we waste our money on, but we always quit half way through.

We used to balance our checkbooks regularly, but then came the invention of debit cards and on line banking. You want to know what you have spent and what you have left, you see it all on line down to the penny.
It must be so strange to be a teenager these days. No checkbooks, no saving receipts, no REAL math to do. It's all done for you.

But with Dave's new job and a new income, it's time for us to really see what we spend our money on each month.
Kether posted a great free budgeting software program the other day and I had to try it out.
It's GREAT!
I made different entries: mortgage; gas; groceries; walmart/target; water and light; etc....that and added in all of September and October.
I was embarrassed to say the least at how much money we spend on takeout alone. And the sad thing is is that it's not fun family dinners out either, it's subway on a Saturday afternoon or a pizza on a Friday night. Add in the Mc'D's on occasion and we've got TOO much money going to take out.
It went from "ACK! Money talk!" while running to the next room to, "we spend HOW much on WHAT!?" with the true desire to know!

The funny thing is that I did this all without Dave knowing. I'm so psyched for him to get home and see just what I started. He'll be so proud! ;)

I'm curious about your budget. Are you up to date with just how much you are spending on things like take out and Target trips? Do you give yourself an allowance each month? I know that that works for some people, would it work for you? If I knew I had so much money a week to spend on whatever I wanted, would I be so quick to drive through a drive through on a busy day? Or would I perhaps make a quick meal and hang on to that for a coffee treat or new shirt?

Man, laundry and budgeting all in one week. What's wrong with me! :) (And Simone, you totally have me beat. What are you going to do when the baby comes?!?)

a bit embarrassing, but I'll admit it anyway

2006-10-25T14:47:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, a long long time ago I had a baby who loved to sit in his bouncy seat. He'd sit there, happily hitting little toys while I'd do things around the house. As long as he was near me, he'd be happy and I'd be happy.
One memory I have is totally cleaning out the hall closet and putting it all back together, in order.
I had time to cook, clean and organize as well as play with a happy baby.
Then baby number 2 came along and the bouncy seat was about as useless as I would later find out the exersaucer would be.
I learned that while baby A loved a little bit of independence, baby B loved the smell of his mommy.

Since I succumbed to his wishes, the housework slowly got forgotten.
Sure, I'd go on little tangents here and there when Dave was home and would clean freakishly for a good hour or two and get it back into 'ok, 2 kids live here' status.

One thing that I really REALLY let fall behind is the laundry. See, we live in a tri-level house. What that means is that our bedrooms/bathrooms are on the top floor, then a half stairs brings you to our livingroom/kitchen (the main walkout level) then a half stair brings you to the 2nd livingroom/office (bedroom) and bathroom and the 3rd and final half stair brings you down to our basement/playroom/laundry room.
That's 3 flights of stairs (OK, only HALF stairs, but still) that I have to carry laundry down to. And of course, I can't carry laundry down while baby B is awake because he will scream and cry because I left him.
Best to wait until the weekends and do it all then.

That worked fine until the weekends got so full that I never had the time to do all of the laundry during the weekend. I'd forget something was in the wash and then I'd have to start all over again.
I was in a bad vicious laundry cycle.
And we all hate laundry, so to be in a bad laundry cycle is just no good at all my friends!!
Then, the really bad part was, I'd do 5 or 6 loads, fold it all and put it back in the baskets. Kether, I know we have this in common. No one was looking in their DRAWERS for their clothes. They were asking, "Which basket has the socks in it?"
THAT is not how I want my boys to do their laundry when they get older, and that is not how I want my house to run.

Something clicked in my brain this week because I've finally decided that I don't want to go back to the 'OK, this house has 2 kids' sort of house.
I got all the laundry done this weekend, and I mean all! Comforters and all. And even more of a shocker was that instead of waiting until all the baskets were full of clean folded clothes, I put them away right after each load was done. (just like I'm sure you all do, right!) It takes much less time putting away a load vs. 6 loads! (sarcastically speaking)
Since then, I've done 1 or 2 small loads a day, and immediately put them away, and our bedroom is so SO clean. No more living out of baskets!
Logan went to get his socks today and couldn't find them. You should have seen the amazement on his face when I told them they were in his drawer! :)

Hey, I never said I was a super mom. I'm trying though.

confidence

2006-10-23T08:19:00.000-05:00

Do you have it in your walk or not?

This weekend my husband played in a Racquetball tournament. (Didn't go well. Turned into the day he broke his goggles with his racket. Don't ya just love men and sports?)

I only was able to attend one match, but while I was waiting, I saw all sorts of women. Some thin, some not so thin, some tall, some short.
All the same, all different.

What I noticed was the confidence that some women had in their step.
There were those who didn't have the confidence, and you could tell as they tried hard to stay out of anyones way. They apologized for stepping in the same spot as someone else. They avoided eye contact. They looked uncomfortable standing in one spot, alone, as if they were being watched. They fidgeted with their hair a lot.

Then, there were others who were perfectly happy to be alone walking around, scoping out the scene. They were dressed nicely, they had nice shoes, (oh the things I notice) and they really seemed put together. Inside and out really.
They didn't stick out. They blended in with the crowd and didn't really care to notice if anyone was watching.

Now, of course I'm just a spectator in this and am only making opinions on how I thought the women felt. More like what I felt when I watched them.

This brought me to really think about how I feel.
Am I eluding confidence in my step?
Absolutely not.
I am one of those who feel uncomfortable walking through a crowd.
I fix my hair. I find a nice empty part of the wall and stay out of the way.
Now, I am much better than I once was, yet I still need to work on it.
I am very able to walk into a group of women and start a conversation. 10 years ago, I would never have been able to do that.

What makes a woman feel confident in herself?
And it's not about being thin or tall, because many of these women weren't the thin tall people you might be picturing. Yet, they had the confidence that I would like more of.

Is it the clothes, the shoes?
Doubt it, however, I would really feel more confident if I could get a much needed updated wardrobe. Wait, do I mean confidence or simply happier?

Is it money?
Tough call? We are (heck, OK, Dave is) making more money today than we ever have, so I don't think that is it. Plus, I know many a confident person who doesn't make a boatload of money.

It's obviously something that is on the inside.
Do you have it on your inside?

I'm working on it.

The tale of the mammogram

2006-10-19T12:27:00.000-05:00

Let's just say I wasn't particularly excited about this appointment.
But, the time came and off I went. Hey, it was a childless excursion, it couldn't be all that bad! Am I the only one who shows up to appts a little early when I don't have the kids. I can sit and READ a MAGAZINE!
Heavenly!

So, let's just say that any fear I had that my ladies were too small for the machine just were plain wrong.
My small B's fit just fine.
And boy are you surprised at how flat a pair of small B's can REALLY get. To be a fly on the wall for a DD appointment!
Now, pregnancy didn't leave them all that perky, heck, not perky at all...but I was REALLY thinking that after this test, they small amount of 'perk' would all but disappear.

They did 4 angles of 'smooshing' on each side as well as taped a 'b-b' to the lump.
I then had an ultrasound done, which took all of 30 seconds. I think that there could have been a little bit more time taken on that one, but whatever.
The good news is, even though there is a 2cm size lump that is very much present, it appears to be plain old normal breast tissue.
No cysts, no tumors, no cancer.

I do need to start my regular screenings at age 35 though, do to the breast cancer in my family. With any luck, I won't be back there for another 6 years!
:)

Guess what I just saw mom?

2006-10-18T10:50:00.000-05:00

The sleepwalking thing is getting REAAALY old.
I'm debating getting a big belt and tying him into bed at night. Soft restraints maybe? DRUGS?
Seriously, imagine always having one ear open waiting to hear the squeaking of the bed or the pitter patter of footsteps that have no idea where they are going.
That is our every night.
Last night he got up and wandered in the kitchen.
I put him back in bed only to 30 seconds later her him wandering in the kitchen again. Put him back in and again 30 seconds later I heard him in the kitchen again!
2 hours later, I woke up to the squeaking of the bed and found him just standing in the hallway staring blankly ahead.
I again got him settled in bed and finally fell deep asleep.
Imagine how hard I jumped when I felt breathing on my cheek.
Logan was standing there waiting for my eyes to open.
He was wide awake.
I looked at the clock.
1:12am

"Mom. Guess what I just saw? Another YOU! She was standing at my door and walked over to my bed. She then whispered to me that it was time for something, but she didn't tell me what it was time for. She then walked over to my window and is waiting there for me to fall asleep!"

It's so strange when kids have dreams that freak you out.
So, is Logan hearing 'me' tell him it's time to get up and walk around? I don't know.
I put him back in bed and luckily he slept for the rest of the night.

I kept my ears open for the other 'me' walking around, but I'm happy to say she didn't come back.

The life of a King

2006-10-17T08:16:00.000-05:00

When Dave and I first started sleeping in the same bed, we were all cuddly. I'd sleep in his shoulder, he'd wrap his arms around me. I'm not sure we did much actual SLEEPING, because really, who can sleep all tied up.
It was nice though, then.
Fast forward 10 years and you have us now.
I'm 5'3" and he's 6'2". I take up WAY more room than he does.
When he sleeps with his arms over his head, I put them back down.
Really, do I really need to smell his armpit while I'm sleeping? I think not.
When I'm too far over on his side, he pushes me back over. Granted, he's way more nice about it than I am.
When we were bed shopping, we had to decide if we were going to go for the normal Queen or if we wanted to upgrade to the King size.
With much thought, we decided to go with the King.
We were afraid it would look too big in our average size room, but it really doesn't.
Let me tell you how life has changed.

I won't say we're sleeping more, because our almost 2 year old is waking up crying every single night...a couple times each night. That's a whole other post with the dilemma of CIO at almost 2. Again.
And I can't say that our bodies are more rested in the morning, yet. We do feel like it will happen, but the bed guys say it takes a good couple of weeks.
The thing that is so grand about our new sleeping situation is the fact that we have an extra 16 inches of space.
Dave is now allowed to sleep with his arms over his head.
I'm allowed to sleep with my legs in any position I might come up with.
We can choose to cuddle for a few minutes in the middle, and then go right back to our own space.
THIS is what sleep is supposed to be like people!

I will NEVER have a queen size bed again!

So, the moral of the story is:
If you need to go mattress shopping in the future, just go with the King.
You and your spouse will be MUCH happier!

2006-10-16T13:20:00.000-05:00

Anyone else SOOO not ready for winter?
We went from summer to winter.
Why do I even LIVE in the Midwest?
---------------------------------
Target lovers, this is for you:

"Miles, we're at target! Can you say TARGET?"

"Gaa-hoo"

"YAY! Target! Good baby!!"

Teaching him early!
---------------------------------

So, what do you do when your sweet little almost 5 year old starts telling you stories about being pushed down-on many occasions-by other kids.
I am not equipped to handle these tough years ahead of me people.

Just in case you were wondering...

2006-10-13T13:14:00.000-05:00

I hit the jackpot this month.
My 'snack day helper' fell on the day of the pumpkin patch field trip.
How exciting!
Right?

Right?

Let's just say that it is NO fun getting on a bus to drive over 30 minutes with 40 4-5 yr olds.
"You're Lola"
"No, YOU'RE Lola"
"uh-ah-YOU are Lola"
over and over and over. Who the hell is Lola. Apparently you are!

It is even LESS fun getting OFF of the school bus when the wind is so hard that you feel as if you will fall over. It is like 35 degrees out with not a speck of sun.
Everyone jumps off the bus to grab the closest pumpkin they could find. That is except the 5 lovely kids I was in charge of. Every pumpkin was the wrong pumpkin.
It got to the point where I happily said,
"Oh, this one is perfect for you! Let's pick it. Oh, you don't like it? Well, sorry, it's picked and in your bag. I know you'll love it later. LET'S GO!?!"
Then, even less fun is having 40 children wash their hands in a ONE SINK BATHROOM before snack...which I had to buy. Which, because it had to be portable just about broke the bank. OK, not really, but is snack day really supposed to cost over $30? I didn't think so!

I've been off the bus for more than an hour, and my feet are still cold.

2006-10-11T11:21:00.000-05:00

If you can imagine sleeping on a pile of phone books, you can imagine how uncomfortable our mattress has been the last year or so. We finally decided to bite the bullet after we realized that for the most part our kids sleep through the night, yet we NEVER sleep through the night.
BTW~Mattress shopping is a nightmare. It's one that I promise to make a full post about soon.
After we decided on the perfect mattress for us, we went even further and decided to get a King size.
Let me tell you, going from a queen to a king is like HEAVEN!
No more do I have to nudge Dave over to his 1/4 of the bed I allow him!
He has his space, I have mine and we are happy to stick to our side of the bed.

Our mattress came 2 days ago.
We could hardly contain the excitement of going to sleep.
Unfortunately, when you are used to sleeping on phone books, a nice new mattress is a bit 'off' and falling asleep didn't prove to be an easy feat, but one we both finally did.
12:12am: THUNK!?!?!?
I jumped out of my bed rushing to Logan's room thinking he fell out of bed again.
To my surprise, I heard "Ow Mama"!
Did I hear this in Logan's room?
Oh no.
MILES FELL OUT OF HIS BED.

My worst nightmare came true.
I didn't know what to do in my half asleep stage and Dave was proving to be useless as I heard him snoring.
I rocked Miles for a good 15 minutes until he stopped shaking and put him back to bed PRAYING he didn't do that again. (we're just not co sleepers here. Not because I don't think it's right, just simply because I can't sleep period)
Then, I stayed awake for the next 1 1/2 hrs because I was waiting for him to fall out and crack his head open.

It's like a bad dream. New mattress. Hopes of a full night sleep.
Ha! He'll show me!

Luckily we've had 1 nap and one night since then and he hasn't tried it again.
Maybe it knocked some fear in him? I don't know.
Regardless, I'm praying he doesn't try again.
He's not even 2 for crying out loud. Logan was in his crib until almost 3!
I'm not ready for the shortened naps, the hard bedtime and the waking up at the crack of dawn. We already wake UP at the crack of dawn, so this would be the crack of the crack of dawn!

Last night however was about 10 times better sleep than the night before.
----------

I had a doctors appt today to talk more about the hysterectomy. I also brought to her attention a breast lump I've had for the past 6-8 weeks. I've had a tumor removed from my breast before, so I'm not really worried about what they'll find.
I AM however worried about the MAMMOGRAM I have to have. I only had an ultrasound last time. I guess I'm aging, right? I get a mammogram AND an ultrasound.
Who's had a mamagram.
Tell me how bad it hurts.
Do you have...um...are you well endowned.
I am TOTALLY not and REALLY can't see my little golf balls shrunk down to the size of a pancake. YOUCH!
Anyone, anyone?

Something old, something new

2006-10-09T10:29:00.000-05:00

My sister is getting married in May.
She doesn't have all that many friends, and she really REALLY is one of those people who needs someone to do everything with her (FOR her).
Needless to say, there hasn't been much wedding planning going on yet.
Am I the only one who really couldn't care less about what the center pieces are or what the favors are? I mean, it's been 6 years since I got married and I don't think I've thought about weddings since.
Saturday my sister came to go shopping for dresses with me and our mom.
Let's just say again, I REALLLLLY am glad I'm already married and will never have to do that all over again.

The good news is is that my sister found her dress in the 1 1/2 hr appointment at the very first store. It was even on sale!
Here it is...
wedding dress
It's beautiful, isn't it?

And luckily, I'm VERY pleased with the bridesmaid dress that I'll be wearing...
bridesmaid dress

So, the big things are done, now on to the little crap. (Great Maid of Honor thoughts, huh?)

6 vials gone

2006-10-05T12:40:00.000-05:00

I had my hematology apt yesterday.
Let me tell you how much I hate going to the hematologist.
It's a hematology/oncology department.
There are sick people here.
Yesterday I witnessed a woman 50ish silently crying because she just found out she had cancer. The 60ish year old man next to her was giving her secrets and hints on dealing with chemo side effects. He was 100% hairless, obviously very sick, yet so strong for this woman who was falling apart.
I saw people getting chemo in a very small side room.
I saw a woman bringing her mother in for treatment very concerned because her mothers skin was a very obvious shade of yellow.
People are SICK here.
I felt like an impostor.
People gave me the sad face.
People thought I must have cancer.
I wanted to tell them that I didn't, but I buried my nose in a magazine and thanked God that my family is as healthy as we are.

The good news is is that my liver rocks.
It got hit pretty hard from the HELLP, but it's bounced back to even better than normal!
My clotting times are still off, but the Dr thinks that this might just be MY normal. Who here knows what their PT/PTT/Fibrinogen levels are besides me? My guess is, nobody.
And why should you?
We don't know what my levels were pre HELLP, so maybe they were always just a bit 'off'.
But, of course you don't want to leave any stone unturned when it comes to a possible coagulation issue, so I again went and lost 6 vials of blood. Just to be careful.
Not sure when the results will be in. My doctor asked if I'd prefer to get the results on the phone or if I'd like to come in and talk to him in person.
Phone.
Definitely.
I'd rather not ever visit the hematology/oncology department again, bless those poor people!
-----------
OK, who the hell thinks they need to buy their child's Halloween costume more than a month in advance. Cripes, am I the only slow one here?
I LOVE the Old Navy Monkey.
Unfortunately so does everyone else.
They are S-O-L-D out!
Luckily I swiped one in a 12-18 month before they ran out of those, but really, I should have a 24 month. Unfortunately for my second child, he inherited my height genes. He's a shrimp. His 21 month old body fits in the 12-18 months suit just barely, but enough.
When I first saw the monkey I KNEW it was for Miles.
He's 99% monkey! All the other monkey costumes I've seen are no where near as cute as the Old Navy Monkey and a good $10 more PLUS shipping.
So, he'll be able to wear it for one day and then he'll be too big. So much for the $19.50, right?
------------

I'm an enabler, but is it OK?

2006-10-01T18:19:00.000-05:00

Dave and I do this nice thing for each other on the weekend. I'd like to say it's just because we like each other, but really it's all for selfish reasons.
Saturday Dave gets to sleep in, Sunday is my turn.
See, it might sound nice and all, but I'd say 75% of Sunday mornings I never fall back to sleep after Dave wakes up because Miles is standing downstairs (half flight) yelling "mom, mama, mom, mom, mom"
Then comes Logan's addition of running around, playing the piano and chasing Miles until the screams of laughter are too fun to ignore.
Our sleep in days were switched around this weekend, and Saturday was my day.
Saturday Miles slept in until 7:15. SOOOO not fair! If I had to get up, I know he would have been up at 6:15, but anyway! ;)

The "mom's" were not cute little noises. They were Cries, loud Cries, loud Cries with crocodile tears. (At least I thought that's what they sounded like)

Despite putting 2 pillows over my ears, I was fully up by 7:30.
Then came the fury.
How DARE I sleep in!

Miles was m.a.d.

Dave is in the process of finishing our 3rd level (tri-level) and my dad was coming over to help put trim up. He arrived in plenty of time to see the full Miles meltdown. Amazed at how his sweet little grandson was acting, he couldn't say anything that would stop the fury.
I must have been out of my mind to think that Miles and I would be able to go buy a bathroom vanity BY OURSELVES, but that's what I tried.
4 stops later, I came home with nothing but the urge to hand over the crabby child and hop on a plane to anywhere.
Later, my mom witnessed a full blown Miles meltdown that just about knocked her over...literally.

Here's the thing. Miles is almost 2. His temper is amazing. He cries at least 1/4 of his awake time. Everyday. Maybe more.

OK...enabler thing arises.

Logan had his pacifier full time until 13 months.
At that time he was only allowed to sleep with it.
When he woke up and we took him out of his crib, we dropped this pacifier and said, 'bye bye'.
Done.

Miles......welll......21 months and OK, he's still on the pacifier full time.
I TRY to make him leave it in the bed, but when he wants it he comes up to his room and pushes down the bumpers and pulls it out. He's no dummy!
I thought about making a pacifier pillow that has a pocket to put them in and hang it above his crib.
See, the problem is...I can't IMAGINE how bad the meltdowns would get if he didn't have his pacifier.

See, this is usually how it goes.
He gets mad at whatever makes him mad. He screams, yells, Cries, sometimes bangs his head on the wall, yells, begs me to pick him up, screams some more.
Then, after he gets tired of all of that, he decides ON HIS OWN to go look for his pacifiers (3 of them-one in the mouth and one in each hand) and calms down.
He then can sit on my lap and just chill out. It's all in his control.

I've tried introducing a bear. He sleeps with it, it's cute, but it's NO pacifier!
I've tried introducing a blanket. No luck at all.
His 'thing' is his pacifiers!

We're getting to that point where it's not really OK with me to be out in public with it, yet, I'm sure our local grocery store would encourage me to continue using it. At least in their store.

When you see a 2+ year old with a pacifier, what do you think?
Me too.

How long do I let it be his thing?
Do you think as his speech increases (and it IS!) that he'll be able to sooth himself better?
Who here had a little hellion like Miles and that child is now older? Anyone? I could really use some advice.
My mom says,
"Jen, perhaps you should talk to his doctor about his temper problems!"
What? What's he going to do mom, come over and babysit??

"I think you need to put him in daycare at least one day a week. It might really do him wonders!!"
UM, perhaps? But then again the person caring for Miles really isn't going to LOVE him. No matter how big the tantrums are, I can forget about them 2 seconds later because I LOVE HIM. They'll just think he's a brat and be mean to him!

"Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about how this affects YOU. He might want to put you on something to help you get through this stage"
Yeah, um, this stage has been since birth. He's just emotionally high strung. He's not passive, that's for sure. I don't need anti-depression meds to help me raise my child. His determination will one day be his strongest attribute, I'm sure of that. How could I make it OK to say, 'hey doc. I need medication to help me raise my child!'. No.

I know I'm going to let Miles keep having his pacifier, at least for now. He needs it. He's got emotional needs that he isn't able to control yet. This helps him. But oy, would you look at my boy in the store and think, 'he's WAAAY too old for a pacifier!'

Is it just me?

2006-09-29T12:50:00.000-05:00

The world loves her.
She sells a gazillion books.
Her recipes are wonderful.
Her shows are wildly popular.

Am I the only one who isn't a big Rachel Ray fan?

I want to like her, I really do!
But then she says things like EVOO and Chicken Parm and it just annoys me.

So, I've seen bits and pieces of her new talk show. I thought that this might make me like her despite the feelings I have.
I was SO wrong!
The thing is, we've got incredible personality conflicts.
She's loud, in your face, outgoing.
I'm not.
But I don't think that's it! Because I am friends with loud in your face outgoing people.
There is just something about HER that annoys the crap about me.

Perhaps it is her use of wording, again the 'EVOO thing'. The 'parm' thing.

Is it just me?

2006-09-28T13:05:00.000-05:00

OK, so it MAY seem like I complain a lot about a certain child of mine that is quite feisty.
This post has NO complaints at all.
You know how I say that my kids are like night and day, day and night. Besides appearance, there is NOTHING similar about them.

One likes to sleep in, the other is up at the crack of dawn.
One is afraid to get his face wet, the other dunks his head.
One likes to sit down and watch a nice movie, the other turns the TV off.
One likes to cuddle in his mama's arms, the other practically jumps from my arms.

When Logan was a toddler, all the way up until today, I'd try to get him to do some artsy crafts with me. We bought paints, colors, markers etc...
He hated it.
It was NOT something he liked to do. At preschool, they go by a play based learning. What that means is that they are not forced to do anything. They are gently encouraged to do the projects that have to do with mothers day or Christmas etc...but if the child chooses not to, then that is that.
I'm used to going to school and seeing all the cute crafts done by the kids and walking out empty handed.
Logan really dislikes art.
Seeing I am an artist unfortunately born in a non talented body, this bummed me out at first, but now I just accept it as a part of him.

The other day in an exhausted moment of wanting 10 minutes of peace while I prepared dinner I dug out the old box of markers and crayons. (yes, I know, I should have done this LOOONG ago)
Curious, he hopped up on his booster seat.
He sat there for 45 minutes coloring.
He colored beautiful circles and squiggly lines in all different colors.
I was amazed!
It was q.u.i.e.t.
He didn't need me to entertain him, he was happily buzzing around with his little artist mind hard at work.
Since that day, I have noticed that that is exactly what Miles needs to do if I ever want to accomplish anything.
Time for lunch crabbiness going on? Lunch not quite ready? Pop open that box of markers!

No!

2006-09-27T08:01:00.000-05:00

In the last 2 days, Miles has learned the word NO!
I'm of course SO excited about this...for now!

Miles, are you ready for bed? "no!"
Miles, are you done eating? "no"
Miles, share with your brother! "no"
Miles, can mama have a kiss? "no"

Well, you get the point! It is CUTE AS ALL GET OUT! He can also say with no problems 'up' and 'ow' (for owie) as well as starting to do some multi syllable babble.
I think my Mr. is going to start talking soon!
------
So, after the lab tests, I contacted my hematologist and after looking at the lab results he wants to see me in his office next week. Of course this just leads to too many worries and guesses. Argh!
------
I am a real live school bus today! A few moms from school and the neighborhood set up a carpool. I only have to go to school on Wednesdays and get a whole van full of cute little blond hair-pig tailed little girls with dresses on. Aw!

And that folks is my half ass-ed attempt to make a post this morning. I now have 40 minutes to feed one-dress two and hit the road!
Happy Wednesday!

Derek or Finn? Finn or Derek?

OK, time to write it out

2006-09-23T12:50:00.000-05:00

The good thing about a blog is that when you just need to gather your thoughts, you can do so. Sure, might be boring to the readers, but hey, my blog-my thoughts.

Let's go back to the delivery. Complicated? Yes, very. Wait, let's go back even further with the secondary infertility. OK, my body sucked for a long time, but it got us there. A lovely family of 4. All we ever dreamed of. OK, so if you recall, I continued have post delivery issues as well as continued to bleed for months and months and months after the delivery. Testing and more testing followed with a uterine ablasion and a polyp removal.
OK, so the ablasion wasn't that big of a deal seeing we knew that I was lucky to be alive and we weren't taking any chances anyway.
Things were great after the surgery. No bleeding, no cramping, no pain.
I was thrilled and only wished I would have done it sooner.
Fast forward 5 months after the surgery. Cramping, bloating to the size of an obvious pregnant woman, bleeding brought me to the ER with a uterine infection. About 6 weeks later, I was back. This time they thought perhaps I didn't have a uterine infection at all. This time I had a ruptured ovarian cyst. No big deal to me. I've had them MANY MANY times and even had an orange size one surgically removed. THIS was not the pain I've experienced with ruptured ovarian cysts before, but I just said OK, took the vicoden and went home.
6 weeks later, again. This time I believed that each time it was my body trying to have a period. Seeing I had no uterine lining, I wasn't having much bleeding. Bloating and cramping-MAJOR. That time I called and talked to the nurse who felt awful, but didn't know what to do for me.
She made an appt for 1 1/2 month, and low and behold, I had the bloating/bleeding and cramping a week before.
This appt brought only conversation-no exam.
"You have two choices: birth control pills to see if we can cut off the hormone production in your uterus, OR a hysterectomy. A hysterectomy.
Apparently she believes that I have either an over active uterus or adenomyosis. If it's an overactive uterus, BCP's will probably help. If it's adenomyosis, it won't.
Hysterectomy.
So far on 1 1/2 months of BCP (where I skip the 'period' week) I've bleed and cramped EVERY day. I've bloated up HUGE about 40% of the 6 weeks. I've bleed EVERYday. I'm popping Advil like candy.
As I was at my regular doctors for a whole other issue, I asked for his opinion on the matter (he's a GP). His suggestion was to do a stereoscopy or laporoscopy BEFORE a hysterectomy if I was unsure. But while I was there, he wanted to do follow up lab work.
One of the things he wanted to check was my PT/PTT (time it takes my blood to clot). After my HELLP, my labs were abnormal for over a year. At that time we (my hematologist and I) decided that seeing things were going in the right direction, we were happy with that. If I were to have surgery again, we could recheck.
Here we are almost 21 months later. Guess what? My clotting times are still off, as well as a few other things(the same things that were abnormal 2 months after delivery). Nothing to be TOO alarmed about, but of course concerns about WHY this is still abnormal arise. Did HELLP permanently damage my liver?
So, here I am debating a hysterectomy at age 29.
Are we done having kids? Physically, yes.
Do I NEED my uterus anymore? Of course not.
Do I want to have it taken out? Not really. I mean, it's silly, but I feel like it's an important part of my body. It held my babies-it grew them, fed them.
I can't imagine not having a uterus.
Isn't that silly?
If it were another organ, I wouldn't be as attached.
I think that even though I don't have any uterine lining and my husband doesn't have any sperm that I'm still holding out for that 'oops' pregnancy! ha ha!
No, really. I don't know what to do.
I feel like I"m stuck in this time warp. The world is going on and on around me and I'm stuck having to decide if I want a hysterectomy. If I do, it's gone. Forever. If I don't, I'm in bad pain for many MANY years to come.
Plus, the idea of having surgery (even though it most likely won't be abdominal, so not AS bad, but she'd go vaginally and want to remove my cervix as well. I just can't imagine what I'd feel like with no cervix and no uterus) there is still the issue of being a SAHM. Sure, Dave could be home for probably a week, but then what?
And then, it's gone.

Yeah, I know, what can you say?

2006-09-22T10:19:00.000-05:00

So there are those kids who go with the flow and then there are those kids who go against the flow.
I have one of each.
One is happily painting at the moment happy with the plate of 6 colors I gave him. The other was happy for 1.2 seconds and then got pissed that I wouldn't give him the entire 24 set of paints-jars and all.
The paint plate, paint brush and paper all got thrown to the ground causing quite the mess.
I'll give you one guess which kid is which.

Finally here!!

2006-09-21T12:59:00.000-05:00

Good TV again!
I couldn't help it, I had to watch Grey's Anatomy last night. I know I saw it last season, but I had to watch again.
Just like last year, I sobbed multiple times.
I can't WAIT for tonight!! Who's with me?

All my favorite shows are starting...Greys, Desperate Housewives, ER, Lost, 24...etc....
I can finally stop watching house hunters!

Getting back to normal life has been exhausting. You know how you go on vacation and you get all off schedule? Well, not only are Dave and I off schedule, but so are the kids. (even though they basically stayed ON their schedule) Adding a virus to the 3 men of the house and my cold sores....
OK, those of you who don't get cold sores might be thinking 'get over it, what's a tiny blister on your lip'. Seriously, this blister is not tiny, it's HUGE. Add about 5 more blisters on my bottom lip and 3 big ones on my nose. I'm very freaky looking today. VERY. So freakishly looking that I can not and will not leave my house today. So freakishly looking that Logan tells me every time I come near to make sure I don't touch him with my face. Niiiiice.

Here are a couple of pictures from our vacation...

2006-09-20T06:53:00.000-05:00

It's 6:47am. I've been awake for two hours.
Dave has left for work, and the kids are still sleeping.
My bottom lip is fuller than Angelina Jolie's currently due to about 6 cold sores all under the lip. I even have a nice big cold sore on my nose.
I look like a clown.

Let me tell you, if you ever have the chance to go to Rhode Island, take it.
I love that state.
OK, some highlights...
Providence-we didn't really see much there, but we had a nice dinner downtown and took a nice walk in the evening.
Block Islands-oh Simone, your beloved block island. Well, let's see. We were told by all the locals of Providence that we would not need a ferry reservation for our car due to being so late in the season.
wrong.
We decided to leave our car back which was not an easy choice seeing it was raining out. When the ferry arrived, we walked to our 'hotel' (shit hole) and spent the next 2 days getting soaked. We wound up switching hotels for our second night. After we checked in, we decided to buck up and buy a poncho and umbrellas and start hiking. It was at this time only drizzling. We walked a good 3-4 miles when I swear a monsoon came in! ha! It was incredible. Our umbrella's were pointless due to the wind. Our shoes were literally SOAKED, and our pants were wet all the way up even with a poncho.
The good news was that we got to use the dryer at the hotel, so we patiently waited for our shoes to dry, watched a couple of movies and went to dinner. There was a 'piano man' at the restaurant we went. There were only 4 tables of people, and he was taking requests. We stayed, listened, drank WAAAY too much beer and got back to our hotel by 8:37pm after getting soaked again on the way home.
Luckily, the next morning (the morning we were leaving block island) the sun was shining. We rented a moped and hit the road. How fun. We even saw a beached whale. It had been beached for a week, so it was already pretty gross. They figured it was an adolescent. It was 50 ft!! HUGE! Gross, so no pictures, but HUGE!
After a nice morning in Block Island, we headed for Newport.
Newport=money. And LOTS of it.
We saw a couple of 200 ft personal boats. Puts our 18 ft boat to shame.
We were walking down a busy street when we noticed a woman being filmed. She was pretty, obviously someone famous the way people were staring. We had no clue who she was. I had to ask. It was Giana Delaurentiis. My first famous person siting, even though I had not clue who she was. http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/giada_delaurentiis/0,1974,FOOD_10968,00.html

Besides having to get up at 3am and then having flight delays on the way home, we had an AWESOME trip.
Miles was mad at me for a couple of hours when we got home. He would not let me pick him up and would only go to Grandma. He actually stopped walking in the airport and turned to me, pushed me and kept walking. Heartbreaking kid! But he got over it really fast and we're back to one happy family!

I have pictures coming soon. It was an AMAZING trip.
We now have 6 states highlighted in our massive USA map in our room.
6 years!

2006-09-12T12:13:00.000-05:00

Who watched 'the path to 9-11'?
Dave and I did. I don't know how much to believe or not, but I must say it made me sick.
At the end, when the planes hit, I literally felt numb.
I won't tell you my story of 9-11, simply because everyone has one.
Mine isn't any different than anyone else that lives so far away from NYC. All I know is that I was VERY pregnant with Logan and it made me second guess bringing life into this world. I sat and watched it all unfold while I was comfortable in my home. It was unreal.
Watching that again last night, I felt all those same feelings.
I grew cold. I had goosebumps. I couldn't speak.
I hate that this happened to us.
I hope nothing like it happens again, although I have a feeling it will.

Moving on.

We had an exhausting but super fun weekend participating in the All Baby Expo. We met so many beautiful pregnant mama's and so many cute little babies. I'm happy to say there will be a bunch more little babies sporting our tees.

We got home on Sunday and crashed only to wake up Monday and start REALLY packing for our trip.
Imagine packing for 2 adults and then 2 kids who aren't going with you. THEN put in the fact that half the time will be cold and rainy and the other half hot and sunny. You have to pack twice as much. Add in all the extra toys and activities that need to be packed. I think it would be easier for the grandparents to come to OUR house.

We're dropping them off tonight after a fun family supper out. Then we're going to finish packing because our flight is at 6am. We have to be at the airport no later than 5am.
Enjoy your week!
We'll see you on Monday!

Mark H. Rosen

2006-09-10T19:57:00.000-05:00

2996
2,996 is a tribute to the victims of 9/11.
On September 11, 2006, 2,996 volunteer bloggerswill join together for a tribute to the victims of 9/11.
Each person will pay tribute to a single victim.
We will honor them by remembering their lives,and not by remembering their murderers.

Mark H. Rosen
45 years old, West Islip, N.Y., USA, partner, fixed income division, Sandler O'Neill & Partners, Confirmed dead, World Trade Center, at/in building

When doing research on Mr. Rosen, the above is all I could find. I was able to find a picture of him, but unfortunately, as I'm writing this, the website is down.
I found out that Mark was married. His wifes name is Patty. It didn't appear that they had any children.
I wish that I knew more about Mr. Rosen. I found a half sentence from a link that no longer worked. It said something to the fact, "Mark love to surprise Patty each Christmas by dressing up like Santa...."
It made me smile. It made me know that I would have liked Mr. Rosen very much.
So, as I'm left to honor this man, I had only the thoughts in my head. What did I think he was like?
I knew he was an intelligent man. He was a partner in the fixed income division of Sandler O Neill & Partners.
I knew he was a man with a sense of humor. In the picture of him that I saw, I could see that he would have made a very fine looking Santa. He looked as though he had a contagious laugh.
I knew he was an honorable man. I assume that Patty, his wife was his life.
I think he must have been a private man. I was sad that there were not more tributes to him on the many 9/11 sites. I was hoping to read stories of his friendships with others.
I know that he was too young to die.
I know that he had a lifetime to share with Patty, and I'm sad that it was taken away.
While I was unable to find any real stories to share about Mr. Rosen, I will tell you that the few sentences that I did find changed me. I was able to pick one of the 2996 and really concentrate on that person. When you think of 2996 people, it's overwhelming. When I think of one person, Mr. Rosen, it's changes how I look at 9/11.
2996 is a bone chilling number of people who died. Each person had a story. I encourage you to read some of the tributes and really really let it sink in what a loss it was to our country and our people.
What I feel Mr. Rosen was like may be completely wrong, but this is what I imagine. I imagine him as someone you might not 'see' as you are walking down the street. Especially in NYC. He isn't one to stand out in the crowd. However, I feel that when you really got to know him, he was unforgettable. How many men can pull off dressing like Santa every year without having a heart of gold.
Mrs. Rosen, I'm deeply sorry that you had to lose your husband at such a very young age. When thinking about 9-11 from now until forever, I will remember your husband.

2006-09-06T14:47:00.000-05:00

Do I hear the 'Praise the Lord's' from across the country?
SCHOOL'S BACK IN!!

Now, if I'm this happy when we're only talking about 3 mornings a week preschool, imagine my excitement next year when we're talking about Kindergarten! (well, OK that might not be as easy!)

Logan was SO ready. He bopped in and didn't look back. Miles bopped in and didn't look back. Oh yeah, life was grand until I had to carry him out kicking and screaming.
The good news is that most of the parents seem to be nice, and I think 50% of us have younger children around Miles age. Fun!

We're gearing up for the big baby expo this weekend. I'm making sure all the shirts are folded just right. Second guessing myself on inventory. Making sure I have enough material to make me at least LOOK professional! :)
Really though, I'm just excited. We signed up for this a LOOONG time ago. I think we're ready too!

One gripe before I go. Why is it that when childhood meltdowns happen, as we ALLL know they do, do people stare at the parent like they have 3 heads? Come on, if you've never been in the midst of a meltdown yourself, you are either A: not a parent or B: keep your children locked away in a cage at home. So my kid was screaming. So my other kid was whining. So a banana got squished out of it's home in the process? IT HAPPENS. Go back to your sheltered life and continue to whisper about what spoiled rotten kids I have.
stepping down...

2006-09-05T13:48:00.000-05:00

Even if you've never read her blog before, go wish Mrs. Naked Ovary safe travels. For tomorrow, they are headed to China to meet their daughter.
So exciting.

20 months

2006-09-04T14:29:00.000-05:00

Is it just me that thinks 20 months is a big one? I mean, 19 months seems so close to 1 1/2, yet 20 months seems way closer to 2. Make sense?

So, here is a little recap of where Miles is now.
He's still teething! Can you believe it? He finally got tooth number 10 yesterday. He's got his front 8 teeth and two top molars. Poor kid has been teething most of his life.
He's signing up a storm. He surprised us the other day when he signed 'water' to us without being prompted. He's actually coming up with words too! Saturday he learned THEE cutest word: hi. Except, it's not just 'hi'. It's more like Hi-eeeeeeee. He makes his jaw go all crooked so that his teeth are not on top of each other, but crooked. LOVE it.
He is also starting to pretend. The first time he crawled up to me panting I had no idea what he wanted until he said, 'ooh oooh' and I knew he was pretending to be a DOG. He's pretending to be a DOG!
He also comes up to me, puts his head on my belly and starts snoring like he's sleeping. How did he go from a baby to a little boy who pretends to be a dog and a sleeping boy?
When he hears certain songs on the radio that he likes, he says, 'ooh-hoo!' as in WOO-HOO! That's my boy.
He still WILL NOT eat a vegetable. I almost do the happy dance when he secretly takes a bite of a new vegetable. This week he had about 10 kernels of corn (because they were on the cob) and one bite of tomato. That's more than he's had in an entire year I'd bet.
All summer long he's been climbing up the swing set ladder. Like a real ladder. He has no fear. He'll whip down the slides all by himself. Even the big ones at the park. Logan didn't do that until he was 3 1/2. He'll climb up on the chairs, the counter, whatever he can find to get up on.
He's more determined than anyone I know. He knows what he wants and he'll grip as long as it takes.
One thing that I would change about him if I could: he's a thrower. When he's mad about anything, he throws things. This includes things like an entire plate of food, a full yogurt cup, a half full cup of water, a full bowl of kix. Wait, maybe it's just food? Anyway, he does it simply to be naughty. We're working on that one.
He'll fall asleep in the car and let me carry him inside with his head on my shoulder, heavy as a log. He'll curl his little head in my neck, his hands around my shoulders, and feel so content. It's moments like that that I am in awe of my life.
I look back at the past 20 months and realize that life has been/IS hard. Miles really threw us for a loop. We were not prepared for a baby who cried all of the time. We were not prepared for a baby who never slept. We were not prepared for the exhaustion of the past almost 2 years.
Now, as things are different,(and I won't say EASIER because they are simply different) I see that Miles has yet to come up with a way to express his feelings that isn't crying. He's got a lot of stuff inside that he can't seem to get out in a calm way. I think that as his vocabulary grows and he learns how to express himself, we'll lose the difficult times and gain more of the great times we're witnessing lately. The things that he has no problem expressing however is how much he loves us. He'll lean in to hug and actually make an 'awe' noise. He kisses over and over. When it's just daddy/miles time, they hang out on the floor together. Dave on his back, Miles on Dave's belly. They point out body parts, play tickle, and just bond. When Logan is mad or sad or pouting, Miles comes to check on him. He'll place his head in Logan's lap and rub his knee trying to make him feel better. When we go for bikerides, he'll rub my back for much of the trip (we have a seat on the back of my seat)
Dave and I are really starting to see our life heading in a different stage. Our boys are rounding 5 and 2. That's 5 years of diapers, temper tantrums, rushed meals, talking over crying kids, never a minute to just simply connect. We got to drink coffee and talk about world news yesterday while the kids watched a cartoon together. I can't remember the last time we got to drink coffee and have an UNinterrupted conversation when all 4 of us where in the house.
Miles is 20 months. I can't believe it!

Coming from the home with no clean clothes

2006-09-01T08:50:00.000-05:00

This week has been insanely busy.
What started off as a week with only one thing on the calendar quickly turned into a week with the entire week full.
It had everything from preschool sneak-a-peek to 3 play dates to Early Intervention appointment to cutting and pinning and sewing, to trying to book hotels in Rhode Island (not a fun feat. I can't believe what one charges for a hotel in RI. $300 for a Holiday in EXPRESS? WTF?). That's just to name a few of the weeks adventures.
That doesn't of course include the constant jabber jaws of my oldest (who is currently telling me that the fast fingers he's playing on the piano is the girl and the slow fingers are the boy. The boy never stops talking! ;))

I literally have like 537 loads of laundry. Yes, I know I said literally, you'll just have to believe me.
It's one of those Fridays where I'm secretly hoping dave gets home early so I can escape and get a little peace.
Until then, I'm plugging away at the busiest quickest week known to man.

Happy three day weekend!!