Hello one and all! I have been reading blogs for a long time and have always been to reserved to start one.

I have been relying on a few friends email addresses TOO much lately, and it is time for me to talk to myself, in my own head so that I can get EVERYTHING out!

Sometimes it is nice to know that you can say what you want anomously...as anomous as the web is...and when you are finished, take a deep breath and move on.

This will be my place to do just that!
So, let me introduce myself to anyone out there that might be reading my thoughts...

My name is Jennifer. I am 26 years old. I have been married to my husband Dave for 3 1/2 years, but together for almost 8 years. He is my world. He makes me laugh, makes me feel good about myself and always lets me know how much he loves me. Yes...he does things that I would change...dirty SOCKS on the floor, slurping milk out of the bowl when the cereal is gone, walking on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with his wet shoes, but hey! Nobody is perfect, right??
But if I had to pick someone perfect for ME, it would 100% be my husband.

Another thing that he is great at, is being a father. Yes, we are SO very lucky to have a son, Logan. He is 2 yrs old (26 months). WOW has life changed since Logan was born. You see, we had only been married for 5 months when we found out we were pregnant. NOT planned...VERY overwhelmed! We will come to find out later that we WERE extremely lucky to conceive Logan.

I had my dream job at the time. I was an assistant Kindergarden teacher. The lead teacher was retiring after the year, and really let ME be the lead. I TAUGHT 5 yr olds learn to read and write. It was the best job I had every had! Dave was just starting out in his dream field, but wasn't making very much money. We lived in a brand new 2 bedroom apt. We had a great life! It was one day in February that the big OOPS happened! We know exactly when it was because it was the ONLY time that we had sex w/o protection. We couldn't believe the 2 lines when they appeared.

As I was crying in fear, Dave reassured me and then went on to watch the Packers game! lol He was not stressed in the least bit!

The news spread and everyone was full of joy! EVerything was fine until about 26 weeks when I started going into preterm labor. I was in and out of the hospital probably 8 times getting the trebutaline to stop the contractions. I also had funny heart palpitations and dizzyness. They were totally looked over by my doctor.

Even with the preterm labor, I delivered 2 days over due...even though labor started on my due date! After about 18 hrs of labor, I developed a high fever of 103.5 and Logan wasn't getting enough oxygen. I had to wear an oxygen mask and had to stay completely on one side. If I moved even a bit, his heartrate dropped! They decided to test my amniotic fluid, and low and behold I had an infection. It is called chorioamnionitis. All the symptoms I was having starting with the preterm labor were finally answered. The sad thing is is that I could have lost Logan from this infection.

We were going to have a C-section when the woman next door hemoraged and had to have an emergence C-section. I kept pushing along. after 4 1/2 hrs of pushing, Logan made is way into the world. We didn't know it was a boy, so needless to say, we were estatic! And luckily he was as healthy as could be! Scored a 9 and a 9 on his apgar score!
Going forward 9 months now! lol I'll go into the last 9 months later in another post!

9 months later, and we decided that we would start trying again. You see, we really only wanted 2 children, and we wanted them really close together. It was our anniversary, and we thought what the hell! and guess what??? We conceived! Now of course Dave was SURE it had everything to do with, and I quote, "his SUPER SPERM".

We decided that we would wait to tell everyone at Logans first birthday! How exciting! Unfortunatly, we miscarried about 6-7 weeks (October 6, 2002). I was devistated! If you have gone through a miscarriage, you understand. I won't even go into those feelings right now! We didn't get to tell everyone happily, we wound up telling those that we cared about that yes, we were pregnant, and sorry we didn't tell you sooner, but our baby didn't make it...not really as planned...

I just couldn't believe what was happening in my ever so happy world! I felt a complete emptyness at Logans birthday party, even though I tried hard not to think of it.

So, we decided to start trying RIGHT away. I have VERY irregular periods though, and 4 months later found myself at my OBs office with a perscription for Provera and Clomid.

FERTILITY DRUGS! ME! A 25 yr old healthy woman?? WTF?

I was in shockOf course now, I realize that clomid is really no big deal, but at the time...it was!

So, lets make this last 11 months breeze by...11 months, 5 rounds of clomid...I am not pregnant!
I only ovulated two times on the 5 doses. One of the ovulations, I wound up with an orange sized cyst that was going to be surgically removed, until it burst in my belly...and I spent the day at the ER. Actually, at the moment I am 8 days past ovulation (DPO) from my 2nd ovulation.

I DID have good feelings about this month. I took the highest recommended dose (150mgs) and am actually only the 2nd person my doc has had to perscribe that much to. The other woman got pregnant(with twins!!)! I have NO reason to not think I am pregnant! We had sex the 2 days before and the day of ovulation, so there were PLENTY Of "SUPER SPERM" waiting for that egg! However, after 17 months of infertility, you can't just assume the logical thing will happen. You just prepare yourself for the letdown. I'm prepared to NOT be pregnant!

I am prepared to congratulate the next round of woman who tell me they are pregnant without trying...and the ones who HAVE been trying! They all deserve the happiness that they get! Of course I truely AM happy for them all, and wish them only the best....however....I am sort of sick (that sounds mean...I don't mean it as mean)of congratulating people as I sit on the sidelines. I want people to congratulate ME! (Did I tell you I was selfish?)

I'm sure some of you understand.

I have no real life friends that have gone through miscarriage/infertility and the horrible emotional games that go along with it. In fact, some of my very fertile friends seem to truely believe they are saying the right thing when the tell me to just "relax!" RELAX my ass! Yeah, 2 maybe 3 months of trying...relax might have helped, but 17 months later, DON'T tell me to relax! That will only piss me off more! lol
You know the type. The ones that get pregnant just because they think it is the time.

But you know what?? If I wouldn't have miscarried I would have BEEN that person! I wouldn't know a THING about basal charts, cervical mucus, (oh...have you ever tried to talk to a fertile friend about cervical mucus??? roflmfao!!!!) cervical position and firmness (although I do not use this method, I know what to look for!) or progesterone tests. I would be a happy ignorant mommy of 2.

In some ways, I truely think my life has been blessed in some ways. I know exactly how hard it IS to try to have a child.

I know what other people might be feeling when they miscarry. I have met SO many wonderful women who are going through the same struggle that I am! I would know NOTHING of what I do if I didn't go through this struggle! When I DO become pregnant, I will cherish EVERY moment of it! I won't wish it along, and I won't be sad at the stretch marks and weight gain. I will revel in the pregnancy glow (or acne! lol)

Well, how is that for my first post!

I'm telling ya, it already feels good to get this down on paper!

Stay tuned for my next one!

By jadkins77