The everyday life of a stay at home mom just trying to stay sane.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Something happened recently

I don't what it was to cause it, but life is getting to be so good!
Let me explain.
Before you judge me by what I am about to say, please read the rest.
I didn't really enjoy my first few months of Miles' life.
At my 6 week post partum checkup, I told my doctor that I wasn't really having a good time. I was going through the motions, very well mind you, but it was just that...Motions.
I sang to Miles, rocked him, googled at him, did all the things I did with Logan.
The difference was, with Logan I felt like every day I got to know him better.
With Miles, not so much.
My doctor first told me to relax and stop making myself feel guilty.
She told me that it was 100% perfectly natural after the traumatic childbirth experience I had. She knew I had major memory loss. In fact, I don't remember a heck of a lot of ANYTHING! What I DO remember is basically like remembering something that someone else told me. I see some images, some flash backs, but as for MEMORY of the birth of my son...nada!
I wish I could explain it, as you probably think that sounds so weird. I truly don't remember. I know that it was about 7 hrs from the time I got checked in to the time that Miles was born. I know I begged and begged for an epi. I remember doctors standing over my bed telling me that we needed to get the baby out. I remember the fear in the med students eyes as she watched and learned. I remember my nurse. I remember the pain. I don't remember laying there and I don't remember more than probably 15 minutes of the entire 7 hrs.
And I for SURE don't remember meeting him the first time. I mean, I remember hazily a baby...but I didn't have that moment of looking into my baby's eyes and I sure as hell don't remember HIM meeting ME for the first time.
I hate it.
It will make me sad for my entire life that I can't remember such a huge part of my life. What will I say to Miles one day when he asks about the day he was born? What will I tell him he looked like? Will I lie?
I hate that I remember almost everything that happened during Logan's labor/delivery and will be able to tell him everything.
"Sorry Miles...I was too sick. My brain was apparently swelling, and I was almost having seizures. I had so many needles pumping drugs into my veins and arms and butt that I don't remember...thank God we're both here!"
Somehow I don't think that will do it.
My neighbor had a baby 6 weeks ago. We were there about 3 weeks ago and she asked me if things were different from baby 1 to baby 2.
100%
Sorry for those of you who are nervous of having your 2nd child.
It is 100% different.
With your first all you do is eat/sleep/breath your baby. You could care less if you eat dinner at 4:00 or 9:00. You eat/shower when you have time because the most important thing to do is watch every little move your baby does. Every coo...you remember exactly how many times he ate, the exact minute you fed him. You know exactly when the last time your baby pooped...you record everything in your memory.
At least that is what I did with Logan.
I KNEW Logan right away.
I knew him in my heart.
I felt that animal instinct to protect him and keep him safe.
Miles...well...who has the time to sit and stare at him 6hrs a day?
I've got another who needs to eat/sleep/play/go to school...etc...
I've got to get up and start my day and get HIM going.
Miles just joined us watching us from his sling or carseat.
Sure, we all talked and smiled and included him in it, but it is nothing like it was with Logan.
My doctor told me that how could I expect to have an immediate bond with him if I didn't even really remember MEETING him?
The good news is, even though I wasn't feeling that bond, I wasn't letting that stop me from taking wonderful care of him.
I still took a million pictures, completely enjoyed snuggling up with him on my shoulder as he slept etc.....but I felt disconnected. His crying didn't affect me as Logan's crying did. It could be because Miles cried ALL OF THE TIME. With Logan, when he cried I immediately went to him and tried to fix it. With MILES, if Grandma or Daddy or whoever was holding him, half of the time I'd let them try to fix the problem before I went over there.
I told my neighbor 3 weeks ago that I still didn't feel as though I KNEW Miles.
She told me that was a good way of looking at it.
It's not as though I (or her with her 2nd baby) didn't LOVE him, I just hadn't had the time to get to know him.
Well, I guess 5 months was that magic number for me.
My friends, I know my baby boy.
I FEEL him in my heart.
When he smiles at me, I feel so much joy I could just burst.
I would stand on my head if it meant that he would give me a belly laugh. He's so stingy on giving those that if he DOES I could cry with happiness.
It's all flooding me lately.
I can't get over how much I love him!
I feel that way I did with Logan so long ago.
And you know what? It isn't as I thought. I thought I'd have to struggle with my feelings feeling that I loved Logan more than Miles seeing I had him alone for so long.
It's not that way at all!
I feel truly like the luckiest woman in the world to have my boys!
It's sortof like finally, my heart was ready to let it all in.
It's an amazing feeling.
I have a computer friend who just had her second child.
She's loved every minute of it so far. She's happier than anyone I've known.
I hated how that made me feel. I felt like, wow! She's such a good mom! I totally suck! I know now that it was just the moment, and now MY moment is here.
Miles' moment is here!
And I couldn't be more happy!!

7 Comments:

Blogger Mama Duck said...

You don't suck, honey. Every mom, child and experience is different.

I didn't bond, bond with Peanut until she was a month old. It was at a family party and finally someone took the Duckling away and played with her while I could just hold Peanut and look at her. But I'm still not sure that I have that same head-over-heels-stops-the-world-from-turning-love yet because with the second one I'm just having a hard time finding ways to spend time alone with her, soak her up and get to know her.

11:16 AM

 
Blogger Kether said...

awwwwwwwwwww
soooo sweet.
I've had moments here and there like that with Liam.
I'm so glad you've gotten there with Miles. This was such a great post. and so totally honest.

1:22 PM

 
Blogger Lucky Lum said...

You're right- it is VERY different having the second one. You just don't have the time to bond like you did with the first one.
I'm glad you've found "it" with Miles!

2:29 PM

 
Blogger Katy said...

I have actually heard that from a lot of people. I think it is more common than we know. Most people are not brave enough to be honest. I am happy it has finally happened. I went through the same thing with Ethan. I cannot remeber when we finally clicked. I honestly think it was closer to 10 or 11 months. Girl, thanks for saying what so many of us feel.:)

2:54 PM

 
Blogger dawnamarie said...

Aiden is my first born. To be honest, I didn't like him at all. The first 4 months I wanted to give him away. He was perfectly pleasant if he were sleeping, but he wasn't very good at that. I took care of him, fed him changed him, played dress up with him when he was in a good mood. But very little of those first months did I enjoy him. Now, at 8 months old, I treasure every second. Well, except when he's crying and being annoying, then I'm all "what do you want?" When there isn't anything wrong really. He's very demanding, all the time. Very strong willed, already.
It's nice that you finally know your baby and can enjoy him, so hard being a parent to one, then having another. I was good at being a stepparent till Aiden, now I'm all thrown off trying to take care of the baby and tend to the others. Very difficult.

6:46 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jen!! Miles (and Logan) are so very lucky to have such a wonderful mom like you. When Miles get older and you tell him his birth story he's going to see what a strong woman you are!! Enjoy every moment with your boys!!! Especially now when they are so young. b/c they grow up way too fast!!

Lisa (lisamarie)

9:24 AM

 
Blogger thordora said...

I suffer severe PPD after I give birth, and did with both. I just had my second daughter in March, and I actively hated her. I had a quick birth, bled after, had a D&C, but I couldn't stand her. Even now I don't feel a bond, but what I've realized is that babies don't do it for me. I LOVE my 22 month old, who's this neat little person.

Babies are demanding little creatures. You don't always bond with them, and as a second child, you're too busy! I've felt some guilt no feeling for my second the same, but I also realized this time that it takes time to fall in love. Sleep depravation makes it even more difficult. It's also hard to just chill out and get to know eachother. Thankfully, my second is fairly mellow, and doesn't much care. As women, we seem to feel guiltiest about the things no one else ever notices. He'll be loved differently, but all he'll know is that he's loved.

And my GOD-he is HUGE!

10:14 AM

 

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