Something happened recently

I don't what it was to cause it, but life is getting to be so good!
Let me explain.
Before you judge me by what I am about to say, please read the rest.
I didn't really enjoy my first few months of Miles' life.
At my 6 week post partum checkup, I told my doctor that I wasn't really having a good time. I was going through the motions, very well mind you, but it was just that...Motions.
I sang to Miles, rocked him, googled at him, did all the things I did with Logan.
The difference was, with Logan I felt like every day I got to know him better.
With Miles, not so much.
My doctor first told me to relax and stop making myself feel guilty.
She told me that it was 100% perfectly natural after the traumatic childbirth experience I had. She knew I had major memory loss. In fact, I don't remember a heck of a lot of ANYTHING! What I DO remember is basically like remembering something that someone else told me. I see some images, some flash backs, but as for MEMORY of the birth of my son...nada!
I wish I could explain it, as you probably think that sounds so weird. I truly don't remember. I know that it was about 7 hrs from the time I got checked in to the time that Miles was born. I know I begged and begged for an epi. I remember doctors standing over my bed telling me that we needed to get the baby out. I remember the fear in the med students eyes as she watched and learned. I remember my nurse. I remember the pain. I don't remember laying there and I don't remember more than probably 15 minutes of the entire 7 hrs.
And I for SURE don't remember meeting him the first time. I mean, I remember hazily a baby...but I didn't have that moment of looking into my baby's eyes and I sure as hell don't remember HIM meeting ME for the first time.
I hate it.
It will make me sad for my entire life that I can't remember such a huge part of my life. What will I say to Miles one day when he asks about the day he was born? What will I tell him he looked like? Will I lie?
I hate that I remember almost everything that happened during Logan's labor/delivery and will be able to tell him everything.
"Sorry Miles...I was too sick. My brain was apparently swelling, and I was almost having seizures. I had so many needles pumping drugs into my veins and arms and butt that I don't remember...thank God we're both here!"
Somehow I don't think that will do it.
My neighbor had a baby 6 weeks ago. We were there about 3 weeks ago and she asked me if things were different from baby 1 to baby 2.
100%
Sorry for those of you who are nervous of having your 2nd child.
It is 100% different.
With your first all you do is eat/sleep/breath your baby. You could care less if you eat dinner at 4:00 or 9:00. You eat/shower when you have time because the most important thing to do is watch every little move your baby does. Every coo...you remember exactly how many times he ate, the exact minute you fed him. You know exactly when the last time your baby pooped...you record everything in your memory.
At least that is what I did with Logan.
I KNEW Logan right away.
I knew him in my heart.
I felt that animal instinct to protect him and keep him safe.
Miles...well...who has the time to sit and stare at him 6hrs a day?
I've got another who needs to eat/sleep/play/go to school...etc...
I've got to get up and start my day and get HIM going.
Miles just joined us watching us from his sling or carseat.
Sure, we all talked and smiled and included him in it, but it is nothing like it was with Logan.
My doctor told me that how could I expect to have an immediate bond with him if I didn't even really remember MEETING him?
The good news is, even though I wasn't feeling that bond, I wasn't letting that stop me from taking wonderful care of him.
I still took a million pictures, completely enjoyed snuggling up with him on my shoulder as he slept etc.....but I felt disconnected. His crying didn't affect me as Logan's crying did. It could be because Miles cried ALL OF THE TIME. With Logan, when he cried I immediately went to him and tried to fix it. With MILES, if Grandma or Daddy or whoever was holding him, half of the time I'd let them try to fix the problem before I went over there.
I told my neighbor 3 weeks ago that I still didn't feel as though I KNEW Miles.
She told me that was a good way of looking at it.
It's not as though I (or her with her 2nd baby) didn't LOVE him, I just hadn't had the time to get to know him.
Well, I guess 5 months was that magic number for me.
My friends, I know my baby boy.
I FEEL him in my heart.
When he smiles at me, I feel so much joy I could just burst.
I would stand on my head if it meant that he would give me a belly laugh. He's so stingy on giving those that if he DOES I could cry with happiness.
It's all flooding me lately.
I can't get over how much I love him!
I feel that way I did with Logan so long ago.
And you know what? It isn't as I thought. I thought I'd have to struggle with my feelings feeling that I loved Logan more than Miles seeing I had him alone for so long.
It's not that way at all!
I feel truly like the luckiest woman in the world to have my boys!
It's sortof like finally, my heart was ready to let it all in.
It's an amazing feeling.
I have a computer friend who just had her second child.
She's loved every minute of it so far. She's happier than anyone I've known.
I hated how that made me feel. I felt like, wow! She's such a good mom! I totally suck! I know now that it was just the moment, and now MY moment is here.
Miles' moment is here!
And I couldn't be more happy!!