OK,
second post of the day......
adoption.
It has been in my mind SO much lately!
You know what the problem is...I want to be pregnant SOOOOO bad! I want to watch my baby grow inside of me. I want EVERYONE to see my baby grow. I want the big tummy. The kicks and rolls. the ultrasounds, the prenatal appts. the heartbeat....
I honestly don't know how I could go without ever experiencing that again.
Would I love an adopted baby as much, OF COURSE!
However, would I always feel a loss of not being able to get pregnant again...yes!
Does that make me a bad person?
I want to go into labor. I want to push, and I want to feel that warm baby being put onto my chest with Dave right next to me in awe.
My dad was so proud of me after I gave birth to Logan. I want him to be proud of me again for something like that!
I honestly don't know how much longer I can put myself through the emotions of this whole infertility thing!
It is honestly the hardest thing I have ever gone through!
Do you know that I truely feel that the infertility is MUCH harder than the loss of my second pregnancy? With my baby, I mourned her loss. Yes, I cried a lot yesterday thinking about everything, but I can go through my day and think of it only a little bit. Yes, 16 months later and I think of it daily, HOWEVER this infertility is running my life! The pills, the charting, the timed intercourse, blood tests. I cannot go a few hours without something reminding me of it.
I told dave, if this goes on much longer, I'd rather just have a hysterectomy and get it over with. Then, I don't have to wonder if I am pregnant ever again. I don't have to take the tests and watch with anticipation as the SINGLE line goes across the test. PRAYING if I turn it some angle in some natural light that I might trick myself into believing a line is there. Checking back hours later, just in case I missed it the first hundred times I looked at it. Yes, I know that thinking isn't logical, but sometimes logical just doesn't work.
After I posted my first post today, about 15 minutes later Logan woke up. We snuck together to our room to play the 'wake up daddy game' where logan goes in and kisses daddy until he wakes up. Its a game we play every weekend. one day it is daddys turn, the other mommys turn. We sat in bed for about a half hour laughing and watching Logan jump around like a monkey. Tickling toes, all three of us together on the bed, and I thought and even said aloud....we have EVERYTHING right here! We are SO blessed! Why are we putting ourselves through this. Our fog in the brain from all of this might be making us miss or overlook some of these great moments right NOW!
But, do I want Logan to be an only child...no! I want him to have someone to play basketball or catch with. To go to when he is mad at me or dave, to giggle with and have secrets. THAT is what is keeping me going!
well, I could sit and ramble all day, but that wouldn't get the laundry done, would it?