Guilt...
I'm having a hard time getting through the stress of my delivery. I know you might be thinking, "Jen! Its been 2 1/2 weeks! Get over it!"
But the reality is, I'm just having a hard time 'getting over it'.
I talked to one of my wisest friends today, and didn't realize all the emotion that are still there.
All the 'what if's' 'what COULD have happened'.
How you you get rid of those feelings?
Yes, what COULD have happened didn't happen. Miles is healthy, I'm getting there.
But WHAT IF....
This is what COULD have happened.
If my doctor didn't act quickly, my quickly dropping platelets would have been much lower than they were. and trust me, they were LOW enough. DANGEROUSLY low.
If I didn't go to the hospital, they wouldn't have realized that Miles heartrate was in the 190's.
If I would have waited until the afternoon like they wanted me to to go in to get checked...
Well, I'll just say it.
I could have DIED. MILES...he could have DIED.
Now, I realize that it didn't happen, and we were lucky, and GOd was watching down on us. I realize that...
but, thinking about my son Logan first. I could have left him without a mother. He wouldn't have remembered me. How much I love him. I would have just been someone people talked about in his life to show he had a mother who loved him. "Your mom died when you were 3"...oh...hmmm...
I wouldn't have watched him grow up, go to school, ride a 2 wheeler, play baseball, drive a car, go to prom, have a girlfriend, go to college, get married....you get the picture.
How could he survive without me? His MOMMY?
I feel so guilty that that COULD have happened.
Miles...My BODY could have taken him away from us. He was healthy, it was ME! It was MY problem, which in turn made it his problem. What if I would have survived, but HE wouldn't have? How would I have gone on knowing it was ME and my BODY that caused that loss. What if he has some lasting effects from what happened that we dont' know about yet. It would be MY fault. Can you understand that? MY fault!
We had Miles' 2 week appt yesterday. Again, the 3rd doctor advised me on not having any more children. That is really fine with me because we REALLY only wanted 2 children, but now that the choice isn't mine anymore its really hard for me to know that at age 27, I can't (shouldn't...) have anymore children. I wouldn't anyway. It scared the life out of me, everything that happened.
I couldn't take the chance that it could happen again and the outcome might not be so great.
So, here's my question. Have any of you ever experienced something so tramatic that you had a hard time getting over the 'what ifs'? If so, help me. What did you do to get over it?
I just can't go there, mentally in my head. My friend told me to go there. that once I do it will make it easier to go there more quickly in the future. It won't take the experience away, but it will be easier to deal with.
I think she's right, but I can't go there. Not yet anyway.
I look at my family and think that I could have been the one who destroyed it. My body. Its always my body that has issues. It was my bodys fault that I miscarried, I'm sure. It was my body's fault that we couldn't get pregnant. It was my bodys fault that I got sick. Its always me.
I'm mad at me.
I'm so greatful for Miles and Logan and Dave.
But in a way, I'm sad that they got me, with all my problems that are always popping up...
posted by Jen at 2:33 PM
9 Comments:
You're dealing with very strong feelings right now. I haven't experienced what you went through. I can tell you this, from personal experience, anger turned inward can become very destructive. I don't think you should "get over it" by trying to push these feelings back down inside yourself. A good therapist can help you work through these feelings so that you'll come through a stronger and happy person. You are in my thoughts, and I hope things get easier for you. Congratulations for your beautiful baby boy.
4:05 PM
Oh, Jennifer, Honey, I'm sure that everything tht you are going through right now is perfectly normal. You have been through so much!
I have to agree with your friend. I think that "going there" is a good idea, but you certainly don't have to do that today! "There" will be there until you decide to face it.
And I think that talking to someone about this is a great idea, whether it be a counselor or support group. Keep talking about it.
For today, do whatever your brain, body, and heart tell you to. It really hasn't been that long!! You're still healing physically, and we all know that the mind and heart ofen take much longer to heal!! Take your time. Try not to put pressure on yourself. Cry when you need to, get angry when you need to, "go there" when you need to. All things will come in time.
Go hug your boys--all three of them. They love you as much as you love them.
Hang in there, and keep talking.
(((((Hugs)))))
4:32 PM
you shouldn't feel guilty over something that's not your fault. its not your fault that your body couldn't take it. you should blame it on a tree. trees do nothing to help you, but they do nothing to hurt you, so you can't be mad at them for being lazy ( and i know i'm sounding completely crazy, but i've been told that that makes people feel better... listening to crazy people, that is.) anyay, i know i've never posted on your blog before, but i've been reading it for forever, and i want to say, your children are beautiful.
5:24 PM
Oh honey!!! You don't have to "get over it". You need to work through with it .. and deal with it. You have been throug a severe trauma. A life and death situation. If you weren't a little freaked by it .. I would be surprised. Not to mention having some one else decide the state of your fertility is a pretty raw deal. I definitely think you need to find someone to talk to. Either a therapist, a dr., or a support group of some type.
5:25 PM
Jen,
This is Valerie, from the geoparent board. I have a daughter Samantha. I am not sure if you remember me. I had fertility issues as well. I just wanted to congratulate you on the birth of your son Miles. I was shocked to read about you having HELLP syndrome. I can relate a bit as to how you are feeling. What you went through was very tramatic. For me my pregnancy with my son ( Peyton born Aug 26th ) was tramatic. From beginning to end. Many issues carrying him and I felt like if I can't carry this baby and have him come into the world that I am a failure. Then there was his birth, he is almost 5 months old and I still think about that. It was a bit scary as well. If you want to talk my e-mail is smasterspats@aol.com
8:27 PM
I agree with a PP who said that "it's not your fault" because it isn't.
There's a name for the feelings and emotions that you are having and it's called post-traumatic stress disorder. Not to push what I think on you (but you did ask for some advice) - you might want to think about talking to a counselor about this when you are ready to. They can help you deal with your emotions regarding the experience.
PS The picture of you with Miles in the sling is great. I've been searching for a sling for number 2 and I think I'm going to get the kind you have.
Bethany
ds 5.9.03
edd#2 5.19.05
My best to
10:16 PM
My delievery was a piece of cake compared to yours, but mine was not what I envisioned or wanted - much more medicalized. It took until my son's first birthday and finally being able to write his birthstory to (largely) purge it from my system.
Give yourself some time and make others do the same for you. You deserve it.
I used a sling like yours and loved it. When they're tiny, it is versitile like a blanket, even for example in the shopping cart. When they get older, they will prop on your hip within it and you will have your hands free. I used to declare, "I can use my hands!" Good stuff.
6:48 PM
Jen,
I agree with everyone. You shouldn't "get over it." I think the shock is wearing off and you're just dealing with everything raw right now. Keep blogging, talk to someone if you need it and work through it. Slowly =)I can imagine that you feel very betrayed by your body since just a week earlier you were so proud of it for making it to 40 weeks, etc. I remember that post vividly. So, I can imagine how tough this is for you to deal with. Especially since it was all so sudden.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I thank God that you and Miles made it through and that your family is complete; your house is full of your special men. It must have been scary, indeed.
9:13 PM
Jen, it's Steph, I just didn't want to register. I know exactly how you feel. It will take a few months to get over the "what if's" and even after that you will still think of them. Time will make it less though. I just passed my one year anniversary of my accident and I thought about it all over again just like it had happened. I feel better now though.
I still do the what ifs. In my case, I was almost killed, Hadleigh was almost killed, and Sawyer was almost killed before he was even born. I just kept playing it over and over. I was just down the road from my house, what if I hadn't had my seatbelt on??! What would my poor little boy Ashton have done if he lost him mommy and his sister? Also, where would Jerry be today?! It just makes me so sad to think about how close it came.
No one understood on the board, so I never really posted about it. They don't have a clue how much that affected me!
I know how you are feeling, and it will take time to get over it. Just cry about it when you need to. It's normal to feel this way!!
Steph
9:13 AM
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