And now, my life has changed...

I thought I'd give an update after my ultra-emotional desperate post last week.
Things are going better. Life is going on, just as I knew it would.
I've done a little research (just a tiny bit) and while the 'cure' is delivery, not much research is done to see long term affects on people. Lots of personal stories tell me that I may see residual affects though.
My MOOD is getting much better too now that things are settling in place. Logan is being WONDERFUL with MILES, but a complete BEAR with us. Its so hard! I'm trying SO hard to remain patient and work though each issue with calmness and understanding, and for the most part I'm doing great with that, but its so hard with lack of sleep etc...and when I KNOW he knows better 99% of the time! Today though, Daddy stayed with Miles and Logan and I went out for 2 1/2 hrs shopping and then to the local pizza place for some fun and arcade games alone.(Edited...it was pointed out to me that this sounds like I went shopping and to the arcade alone...haha...that is NOT the case. LOGAN and I went out alone. I am not the kind who likes to hang at the arcade by myself...not really with Logan either, but a moms gotta do what a moms gotta do, right! Anyway, had to clarify that no, I did not leave my husband with the 2 kids while I went and played Ms. Pacman for 2 1/2 hrs!) I got about a million hugs and heard, "Mom, you're the BEST" about 10 times. I needed that, and I know he did too. I miss my buddy. I really do! We are most likely going to enroll him in 2 mornings a week preschool here really soon so he can get out of the house and meet some friends and have some big boy fun. It will be expensive, but he needs some interaction right now, and it will be good for everyone.
Breastfeeding is a no-go. I'm not breastfeeding, I'm not pumping and feeding my boobs are shrinking back down to their regular small size...I decided that we were lucky enough to make it out the way we did, and that I needed time for my body and mind to heal. I needed to get rid of one stress factor, and that was a MAJOR stress factor to me. I talked to my doctor, and he totally made me feel OK with the situation (i was upset with myself...of course). He told me that he hasn't seen a patient (remember he's only a GP) who's had such a tramatic experience EVER yet in L&D(he's only like 31-32) and he is just proud of me for what I've accomplished so far. And then he went on to tell ME that I should be proud of me too. I must say, I am...
I keep reliving the delivery and labor, and really am trying to be OK with how everything went. It went 100% completely different than I ever imagined. But, now I have 2 completely different labor stories for each child!
Oh, and do you THINK I was retaining water? From the day I delivered to TODAY, I am 26lbs lighter! 26 POUNDS! I only have 6 lbs to get to my pre-preg weight!
I'm actually wearing JEANS right now! (I had to remember to zip them up instead of the elastic waist!)
Miles had his 1 week checkup yesterday and he is back up to 7lbs10oz. One ounce shy of his birthweight!
HELLP can cause growth restriction in pregnancy due to placenta issues, and I have a feeling he's going to be a big boy JUST like his brother was once he starts gaining! (not that he isn't normal size, but smaller than we all thought....) Remember, although I know they are off sometimes, he was estimated at 7lbs 4oz at 36 weeks, and was only born 7lbs 11oz at 40w2d.
A little memory from L&D. My nurse. I can't remember her name, but she was my angel that day. She was calm and so professional, yet so caring.
She knew how upset I was about not getting an epidural (ok, maybe the whole floor knew by my constant begging for pain meds and begging for them to turn down the pitocen) and she kept me focused. In Logan's labor, I needed Dave. I needed his touch, his eyes, I needed to feel him with me right there. This time, I needed to KNOW he was there, but he could NOT touch me. NOTHING could touch me. I was bedbound during labor due to the IV's in both arms. One giving me mag sulfate, as well as pitocen and one other drug I can't remember. The other was for my platelet transfusion. I had 2 monitors on my abdomen. All I could do during each contraction was turn to my left and TRY to breath through the contractions. TRY. sometimes I succeeded, and sometimes the pain was too much and brought me to screams and tears. I was violently shaking during 5-7cm and couldn't find a calm spot to recouperate during contractions. My nurse, she helped me more than she knows. She gently and quietly guided me though each contraction, she helped me breath, she told me when it was at its peak and when it was coming down. She gave me a wet washcloth while Dave gave me icechips...or I should say CHIP because I could only have like 10 chips an hour due to restrictions from the mag sulfate. It was her who knew the baby was coming. I think I knew, but she KNEW. She asked if I was getting pushy and just knew by my face. It was her who called the docs in running when Miles was crowning and coming out. it was her when I was screaming my head off in pain that locked eyes with me and told me if I push ONE time really hard it would be over. I locked eyes with her and did it.
It was her who gave me shot after shot to stop the postpartum hemmorage that I was having, and it was her who I cried to to turn off the pitocen after delivery when I knew she couldn't.
It was her who talked the doc into letting me hold Miles for 2 minutes before taking him away due to my seizure threshold being so low.
She helped me get through it all. Without her...if I had a different nurse...who knows if I could have done it. She was patient, kind and wonderful.