Basketcase...

I've just ruined my rapore (I know I spelled that wrong, but don't have the energy to find the right spelling) with my doctor.
We always had such pleasant appointments. D is able to come more now and they get along great...
Well, I've just ruined it.
After a COMPLETE night of contractions with only 2 hrs of sleep from 11:30-1:30 I was up all night...ALL night! LOOOOW back pain, bloody show, contractions strong enough for me to breath through SOME of them (but some were not bad either).
So, I called the doctor this morning. I was so exhausted, and in the middle of the night while I was all by myself all I could do was cry. SOB. I thought about the connection I have with L and wondered if it would change. I thought about the bond we share and wondered if I could share it with another child. I was a B.A.S.K.E.T.C.A.S.E.
Sobbing, trying hard not to blow my nose TOO hard as to not wake up D or L.
Yes, it was a pretty site as I was writing in L's journal to tell him how I felt at that moment as being a mom to only him.
B.A.S.K.E.T.C.A.S.E. (in case you can't quite picture the image, I had the journal in one hand, the notebook where I was timing the contractions in the other hand as I was swaying and lightly bouncing on a birthball with the oven light on as to not wake up the boys with a stack of used tissues on the table in front of me.)
So, as day started and D got up, he was happy to hear my contractions were every 5 minutes and have been for hours. He called into work, and the L woke up.
I could barely keep my eyes open.
The nurse called me (my friend Jessica who stood me up...she was sick I guess, thought I'd update that) and all I could do was cry to her.
She told me to come in and get checked.
Off we went...me still sobbing knowing that after the whole night of no sleep I wasn't going to be any more dialated than I was yesterday. D on the other hand was so positive.
I knew better...
My blood pressure is USUALLY at like 106/60 ish...really always nice and low.
Today, the nurse (not jessica) looked at me and my red streaky eyes and blotchy face and I swore she thought I was a lunatic.
I immediatly started crying because I thought she thought I was crazy.
She took my blood pressure and it was 118/90! oops!
She was so sweet and gave me a hug as she gave me the sheet to cover up with.
Then, the doctor came in. He was in a hurry, and said I looked a bit flushed.
FLUSHED? bloodshot eyes, obviously had been crying, blotchy skin.
He said, "and the reason you're so upset is because you didn't sleep?"
NO...DOC...the reason I'm so sad is because I've been in labor now for WEEKS and while I'm slowly dialating, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically spent, and I'm so afraid something is going to happen to this baby before its born.
I didn't say that, I just said, "sorry! I'm tired and emotional today"
He did a cervical check...still the same as yesterday, although he DID say he could put TWO fingers in my cervix. I'm confused. Everything I read in the books say each finger is TWO cm...Two FINGERS would be FOUR CM wouldn't it? Unless he has girly hands that I never realized.
Anyway, he gave me an ambien, told me to go home and relax and sleep and hopefully he'd see me later today or tomorrow morning.
I gladly took the pill, D's at his parents with L, and I still can't stop crying.
So, as for now ladies, I will not be delivering this baby today. I will be crashed in my bed as long as I can.
Hopefully I can stop crying.
B.A.S.K.E.T.C.A.S.E.