This post (click here) explains a LOT of what I am feeling these days!

I'm sure most of you know Tertia. How could you not! She's amazing...
She's gone through SO much more than I could even fathom going though, and I'm not comparing my life and infertility to hers AT all...but her words today...they just felt like they could have come from me...in a different way.
I'll let you go read her post first...go ahead, I'll wait...
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OK, and that is the deal! I think that's why I'm feeling so blah these last couple of days. A friend of mine just said to me, "wow! I can't believe you're due in like 10 days (or whatever it is) and do you know what? I can't believe I'm PREGNANT!
Yes, I have been pregnant now for 9 months, but really, I'm still not believing it.
A sick thought is, I'm still not 100% sure that I'm bringing home a baby! Isn't that crazy! I think that's why I can't commit to a name, because that will make it more real.
for a long long time, I was J, the one facing secondary infertility. The one who was told there was an almost NO chance of conceiving on her own. Tests, treatment, medication, depression, living in a fog. It was all my life. I didn't wish it on anyone, but I DID wish more people would understand and not just think my life was perfect because I had a child. And I won't get into the great debate over primary infertility and secondary infertility. I agree...Primary infertility would be MUCH harder to deal with. But there were days, BAAAD days. There were sad days, and of course there were happy days. But many MANY of the days I didn't every believe that I WOULD have another child. I was sad for L, I was so sad for D that I let him down, and I was angry with myself that my BODY let me down.
Then, one day, all of that changed! I became pregnant!
But then, after already having a miscarriage, those of you who have had one know that life isn't just miracously better then. First, even if you ARE pregnant after infertility, you're STILL infertile in your mind. Second, there are no guarantees that the baby will make it...and that is just a fact of life. So you just deal! You are happy, of COURSE you are happy, but guarded.
I think I have never let go of the guard in this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed SO much of this pregnancy, but I never let myself get SO involved that I knew when the fingernails started growing or when he could open his eyes or how long his arms and legs would be etc...and in my own head, I'm still J, going through secondary infertility. Yes, I may be hours, days or weeks away from having a baby, but I don't have that baby yet.
I'm not sure how to give up that role in my head. And after this baby is born, when my family is the complete family that we've always wanted and planned for, then what? I just go on and pretend that I didn't go through all I did to get to where I am? And again, let me again say, what I went through was NOTHING compared to what many MANY women go through! I 'only' had one early loss....I popped Clomid and provera like they were candy, but was told that IVF was the only way. (high FSH) I never did injection's, and was all signed up for IVF when we found out I was pregnant after trying for 19 months.
If you want to compare stories, I'd be on the way end! I realize that I may sound ungrateful, but trust me, I'm not. I couldn't feel more grateful for what I have. That is a promise, so please don't tell me I'm not grateful.
I guess I just don't know how to move from secondary infertile, to pregnant after infertility, to just a MOM! A mom of two boys!
Its truly amazing how much I know about infertility and treatments and problems that I don't even have, but that I watched (read) others go through and learned with them. I sometimes believe that I know more than my doctor would know!
My knowledge on the subject is more than any other subject I know.
Now, I'm supposed to just forget it and live my life as if nothing happened? Go to playgroups and the park to chit-chat with other moms who most likely have no idea what it is like to go through infertility and pretend I am one of them?
Truth is, I'm not so good at playgroups! I sign up, go to one meeting and drop out. I don't FEEL that connection. I'm sure its my fault, but I just feel different than most moms.
I knew infertility impacted my life, and I figured it always would, but how do you just let go? Let go and go on?
CAN you just let go?
Can' you believe I STILL get jealous of women who say dumb things like, 'we purposely waited an extra month so the baby wouldn't have a birthday in December like your will" or "We tried for 3 months and it was just SO hard to go through that wait."
How can I get jealous of them or angry with them when I AM one of them?
When will these feelings go away? Will it be when this baby is born and I see him and know that I will never be going back to the infertile land? We both know we don't want anymore children nor could we ever go back to the appts/tests/drugs/research stage again.
I know no one has an answer for me, and it will be one that I find on my own some day when I least expect it.
I"m just having a hard time with the fact that this is almost over! I'm almost where I drempt myself 2 1/2 years ago.
Anyway, on another note, I have my 38 week appt today (really 38.2 weeks)
If anything exciting happens, I'll update. Otherwise, as Tertia so perfectly put it, I think I'll be in my cave eating the batch of chocolate chip cookies that L and I baked yesterday! :)