Its funny how pregnancy doesn't cure infertility...

Recap on the weekend...Thursday night, after Dave had been gone all week, we took Logan bowling for the very first time. We had a B-L-A-S-T!! Imagine a 2 1/2 yr old pushing the ball as hard as he can. It takes about 90 seconds for that ball to hit the pins, and the whole 90 seconds he is standing at the line yelling..."Go ball! Go Ball! Go Ball!" I swear it was the cutest thing I've seen in a long time!!
Friday night, we went to the circus!! (it SUCKED big time, and the wildest animal we saw were 2 small monkeys, but oh well!) Logan got to go on a pony ride (stink smelly popping horses that I had to hold him up on) and then he spent the night at his grandparents house so Dave and I could go out to dinner.
Sunday...parade in the morning, carnival in the afternoon, fireworks at night, and didn't get to bed until 10pm (he usually goes to bed around 7:30ish)
What a weekend!!! A fantastic wonderful weekend!
The one thing that was in common the whole weekend was pregnant people.
Like the one who was at least 7 months pregnant smoking during the whole parade right across the street from me. If she was next to me, I would have just went off, but she was a grown woman making her own choices! (horrible choices, I might add!)
Or at the fireworks the 'woman' (I say that lightly...I should say girl! All of 15 maybe) with this little tiny newborn. Or at the bowling alley. The woman with her 4 other kids, sporting this cute 5ish month pregnant belly looking happier than I've ever seen anyone bowling.
Or the countless women I saw at the carnival who were proudly rubbing their bellies.
I was one of them! But, I wasn't one of them! I don't know if any of them were one of me either? My guess is the 3 women I pointed out here were definelty not 'one of me' because how could you smoke while being that pregnant if you tried desperately to conceive. You obviously didn't try desperately to conceive as a teenager, and I'm just taking a stab that the woman pregnant with her 5th didn't have to try too hard. But I could be wrong.
When I looked at all the pregnant women, the horrible thing is, I was jealous!! What of you might ask? Innocence! The way they PROBABLY took their pregnancy for granted. Or didn't try, or maybe didn't want to conceive in the first place. But, I AM pregnant! Is that what you are thinking?
I know! And its just one of those things that infertility does to you!
It never leaves you! I will never not be plagued with the disease of infertility.
I will understand, and feel what other 'infertiles' are feeling forever, I believe! I'm STILL not at that place where I am 100% positive I am going to have a baby in January! Criminy! I'm far from it! I dont want to do ANYTHING to jinx it! (though, I really don't believe in that)
I'm afraid for people to see my belly (although there is no hiding it anymore) because I don't want them to mention my pregnancy. I don't want to tell people when I'm due. I don't want to imagine the office as a nursery. I don't want to look at tiny baby clothes! People at my stage of pregnancy are already painting nurserys, buying cribs and clothes and toys etc.... and I just want to pretend to the world that I'm not pregnant! That way, if no one knows, it can be just me and my family who stand together if something happens.
That is one sad thing about infertility. Ask anyone who is 'infertile' and if any of you who are reading this are in that catagory, feel free to tell me if you agree. Infertility lasts through pregnancy. (And who knows how long after that) You don't face infertility to get pregnant and live happily ever after as some women with her head in the clouds as soon as you pee on that pee stick. You don't invision your life as a family of 3-4-5-6...whatever...for a long LONG time! Look! I'm 14 weeks! I still am not picturing my life as a mom of 2.
But dont get me wrong! I can't wait to be comfortable enough WITH the idea to start invisioning! I can't wait to picture a tiny infant. Labor, birth, I can't wait to let my heart open to the thought of all of it. I can't wait to be able to just breath and coast through a bit of this pregnancy. My guess is though, it won't happen until I reach 30+ weeks!
But who knows! Maybe one morning, I'll wake up and be 'cured'. What do you think?