ok, I'll admit it...

I'm a TEENY-TINY bit disappointed that the test was negative.
But, not for the real reasons you're probably thinking.
I have only wanted two children ALWAYS in my life. Even before my loss, even before my infertility, and definitely before my HELLP.
I remember the first summer Dave and I met, we were sitting out on my porch on the swing. It was pouring rain. I knew Dave was the one, and he confided to me that he knew I was the one.(very funny to think about as I was only 18 and he was only 19) We talked about what we wanted in our individual future (as if we were not going to be together).
We both said we only wanted 2 kids. I meant it, so did he.
We later in life agreed that we were the luckiest people because we wouldn't have those arguments someday about having another because we were both SET in STONE about only having two. Now I realize just how lucky we ARE to have two!
But the last two weeks brought me back to a place that I really NEVER EVER want to go again. I spent month after month trying to conceive Miles. Month after month watching my CM, taking my temp, popping Clomid like it was candy, going in for blood tests to see if I ovulated, peeing on HPT's even though I knew it was too early. I knew the test would be positive, EACH and every negative, I knew before hand it was going to be positive. Sure I talked myself into knowing truly that it would be negative, but there was a bigger part of me that NEVER lost the optimism of getting a positive, each and every time.
And each and every time it was negative.
I once said, and I'll say it again...Infertility was the hardest thing I've ever had to encounter. How women go through more than me, I'll never understand.(to some, my pain was small, I'll admit, but still life altering none the less. I for one hate the 'pain olympics' and am all about each persons life experiences may have brought pain. Who is one to judge how hard a situation was for another person, right?)
Its like, after I got pregnant with miles, I slowly MADE myself forget about what it was like every month to have my regular appts, my regular drugs, my regular blood draws, my regular disappointment.
This just brought it all back.
Julie addressed this question on her blog.
Is a person infertile after her family is complete?
I thought a definete NO in my life.
I had the family I always dreamed of. I was not infertile anymore.
I was wrong! I definetly felt infertile seeing that negative HPT.
Its really quite silly as I WAS praying for a negative result.
I couldn't just BELIEVE the test like most women do. I had to become 'infertile Jen' and OPEN the test to make sure the clear plastic wasn't blocking the obvious pink line. I had to hold it up to the light, I had to hold it up in the SUNlight!
I didn't believe the test. I'll admit there is a small part of me still holding on to the impossible chance of being pregnant as I am 17dpo's with no period.
It brought me right back to the place I hated the most.
Month after month feeling like an outsider. A faker. Smiling at playgroups when a mom would announce her second, third or fourth pregancy.
They all knew something was going on with me. Sometimes I'd ask a mom to watch Logan while I quick ran to the bathroom. Coming out with red eyes from the brief meltdown probably tipped them off, don't ya think?
I never wanted to go back to the days of 'infertile Jen'.
I wanted to put them behind me and close the door. And I did a really good job of that until this week. I slowly let myself forget what it was REALLY REALLY like to have month after month of sadness. I let myself just be a mom. A mom of 2. What I had always dreamed of becoming.
You see, while I am a little bit disappointed in the negative, it isn't because I want 3 children. Its because, as silly as it sounds, I think I feel like 'infertile Jen' again. Even though we were NOT trying.
Its funny what a negative HPT can do, isn't it?
But never fear, I'm shutting these feelings in the closet and locking the key!
When is that vasectomy appt again???