Mommy guilt

As a mother, I feel I am expected to be at the top of my game at all times.

If you work outside of the home, as my husband does, some days you can have a slacker day, some days you work really hard. (Not that all of you have slacker days, mind you)
Then again, if you're a mother working outside of the home you also have the 'I worked really hard' and then have to come home and work even harder. Kudos to you all.

Yesterday was Mothers day. The day of all days. The day where one, as a mother, should be treated like a queen. Feet up, breakfast in bed, yada yada yada.

My husband tried. He gave me a happy mothers eve with a nice bottle of wine and a movie. Sounds simple, but we never rent movies. He even gave me a beautiful rose.
He let me sleep in a bit on Sunday while he and the boys went bagel shopping.
It was a joyous beginning to the day.
I started sipping my yummy coffee when it began.
The crying.
Nicely enough Miles thought to wait until I woke up to start crying. He let me sleep in, isn't that nice?
The crying lasted until he went to have his first nap.
After his morning nap we all headed off the the health club to play some basketball (aka-I run around and keep Miles out of other people's hair while Dave shoots some hoops)
When Miles had had enough of that, we went to the soccer field. What 1 1/2 yr old doesn't like to kick balls around all morning, right?
Wrong.
Here started crying jag number 2. It went on and on and on for a good 45 minutes until I decided that I had seen enough of Logan and Dave running around having a good time while I tried to console crying Miles.
*Oh, and before you think that Dave should have stepped in, it doesn't work that way. Had he come and stepped in, Miles would have screamed even louder because I wasn't next to him. I'm like the oxygen he breaths. If I'm not there he can't survive. Literally.*
I'm sure the men in the weightroom straight across the way were happy to hear me say,
"Let's go!!!"
We then went home for some lunch, where Miles continued to cry the rest of the morning until nap.

Then I started crying.

I just don't understand how one can be so unhappy so often.
Anyway.
Dave asked what I wanted to do in the afternoon.
Do you know what this bad mother said?
"Go take them to your moms to celebrate"
Dave understood completely.
He told me to scrapbook. Do you know what I did?
I spent the afternoon full of guilt with tears on and off.
What horrible mom doesn't want to spend mothers day with her kids?

When they came home 2 1/2 hrs later, I proceeded to give the boys a bath and enjoyed every second of it. I felt rejuvinated and calm. I felt sad that I sent them away.
I put Miles in his snuggly jammies and when it came time to put him in his crib, he grabbed on to my shoulders and put his head down on me. He stayed this way for a good 2 or 3 minutes as I rocked back and forth telling him how much I loved him. It was a moment I'll lock away.
I got Logan in his jammies that he is totally outgrowing. His size 6 jammies are now capris. I looked at him, smelled his clean hair, rubbed his soft cheeks. I looked at his hands. There are knuckles where the dimples once were.
His feet are getting so big.
I told him that I felt very special today because I was his mommy.
He kissed me.
I locked it away.

Motherhood is so hard. Sometimes it is the best feeling I have ever had, and sometimes I just want to have some quiet time. Sometimes I want the moment to never end, and sometimes I want mother #2 to walk in and take over.

My neighbor once joked that all parents need backup parents when the going gets tough. Luckily, I have that with Dave.
He understood, he made me feel better, and I forgave myself.

Yesterday had moments that were amazing, and moments that were just tough.
I guess that was the perfect most realistic mothers day, right?