Because I'm sure you're all wondering...
and yes, I'm talking all 4 of you...
How am I feeling about all of this?
There are a few different ways I can look at this, and you can bet that I've looked at them a few different ways already.
First feelings:
Sad. Sad that my little boy who has faced so many obstacles already has to face a lifetime of obstacles. Sad that we as parents have to face more hurdles. Things will never be just 'easy'. Sad that our life plans may to change.
Mad. Mad that criminy, in the last 4 years we've had one thing after another after another thrown at us. I'm SICK of it. I'm angry that we've got another thing that we're staring in the eyes. Mad because I just for once, JUST ONCE want to be the normal one without the problems in my family.
Irritated. Irritated because I'm dealing with family members who don't understand what the big deal is. We're over reacting. He's fine. He's "fine at MY house." So, I have to make a choice right now. Do I sit there and defend what WE as parents see and what PROFESSIONALS see or just let them think they are right and just not talk about it anymore.
In the same token, blessed by other family members who say ever so heartfelt, "let us know what we can do to help." And they truly mean it.
Selfish. My 'in life' friends know that I'm am SO excited that Miles is turning 2 years old. I've got none of the 'awww...I wish he was a baby for just one more day'.
HECK no! The idea of being 29 and having a 5 and a 2 year old is just thrilling to me. I'm excited about the future of having 2 older boys. I'm feeling selfish that this might stand in the way of some of the freedom I was longing for, and longing for my boys to have as well.
Sick. Sick to my stomach. Sick.
Relieved. So there really IS a reason why this last year things have changed so much. So there is a reason why my son won't eat anything other than a few small items of food. There is a reason why my son gets so upset if I accidentally open his door with my key opener instead of Miles when he wanted to open it himself. So really, he's not just crazy when he has to have the water filled up to that little mark on the tub and not a hair below or above. There is a reason why he can't zip his coat or snap his snaps. There is a reason why he can't do art because his hands might get dirty. There is a reason why we have to recite TV shows word to word without making a mistake. There is a reason why my son can recite commercials that he has only heard one time, including the inflections in THEIR voice, not his. There is a reason why we can't joke around with Logan without him getting MAD!
THERE IS A REASON! I almost want to scream it from the roof!
Did I mention sad.
Protective. I wanted to kick the man at the health club today when he gave me the 'look' when Logan decided that he had to "have a few tears" and sit down and take a break when he realized that not everyone was going to play hockey by his rules. FUCK off old man. Really, do you NEED to be blocking your 5 year olds shots in the basketball court just to prove to him that there will always be others better than him. No. You suck.
Afraid. Afraid that Logan will not have any friends. Afraid that he'll be the 'weird one'. The one where some day, when he's older, will get bullied. So very afraid of that. If there were a bubble, I'd take it.
Proud. If you know me, you know that Logan is smart. He's SMART. He's always been smart. Did you know that they suspect Einstein had Asperger's, as well as Bill Gates. There is no telling what my son will do. He really could change the world.
So, let's see...this blog has transformed over the years...
Motherhood, Miscarriage, Secondary infertility, pregnancy, HELLP syndrome, Crabby ass colicky baby, speech delays, Asperger's.
I've got a LOT of feelings to digest, and will make it very clear that this blog will now contain a lot of emotions dealing strictly with autism. I've got to work through this. I've got to blog about bad days (today) and I'm going to blog about good days. I'm going to blog about my experiences with special education searching and the mess that goes along with it. I'm going to blog it all. I'm not going to care one way or another if I lose or gain an audience. (No offense, please!)
So, I hope you'll help me through this journey.
posted by Jen at 7:08 PM
9 Comments:
I think everything you are feeling is completely normal and that you blog about whatever you need to. The people that care will read and listen to you. I am sure your son is brilliant and in the end as long as you do everything to make him the best he can be that is all you can do.
I will email you if you would like about my older brother and all his special needs. I will tell you that my mom did everything to get him help despite everyone elses opinions. I will go on to tell you he graduated from college with a 4.0 after being in Special education for years and the struggles he endured. I will tell you that he owns his own business and lives on his own and he is an incredible person for all he has overcome in life and he is who he is because my mom and dad worked to make him the best he could be. They just kept getting him help and never limiting his abilities. I will email you more details. There are lots of people out there that have overcome obstibcles and Logan is going to be fine. He has two parents that know he has an obsticle and are willing to face it with him!
7:38 AM
I will be here for you, my friend. Mike & I were talking about you & Logan this weekend. We were reminiscing about Logan's ability to say hipopotomus before he was 2!!! He is a remarkable and intelligent child! I'm behind you and will always support you 110%. Anything you need, just let me know!
8:47 AM
Jen you have been in my thoughts the past few days. I was reading about Asperger's online the other day and something stood out for me...it was the thing about the kids being isolated or isolating themselves and I remembered a long time ago that you said you were worried with him at school and on the playground because he played by himself or something like that. I'm so thankful that you know what it is. It sounds like you as a family will have some work to do, but it also sounds like he will have fantastic potential, if he learns how to channel things--and to compensate for the idiosynchrocies of Asperger's.
I'm sure you'll go through a lot of feelings, etc in the next few years...and I plan on staying here and reading through all of it. Wish I were closer, so that I could sit with you and have coffee while you vent.
My love to you four.
6:14 PM
I haven't stopped thinking about you since the diagnosis.
My Sister-In-Law is a great Speech Language Pathologist and she has some recommendations for you so I will have her write an email and fwd on to you. There are ways for him (and you) to embrace these issues and work around them to make him a happy and healthy little boy!
11:31 AM
I'm comment #5, so I guess that means you have FIVE readers. :)
You may be tired, sad, angry, frustrated and not looking forward to what lies ahead, but I want you to know that Logan is so lucky to have you guys as parents. You have done and will do all you can to help him navigate life with Asperger's. I wish every kid had parents as perceptive, educated and concerned as you and Dave.
We're here for you!
11:52 AM
As a mom and a former special education/reg. ed. teacher, I can understand why you feel the way you do. Well, certainly not UNDERSTAND as I am not in your shoes, but understand why you would have all of these emotions inside of you.
You HAVE been through a lot, and it is NOT fair. It just isn't. You are going to need to give yourself time to adjust as well. It is a loss of sorts when your child is diagnosed with any problem, and you are not a bad mom to mourn the life that you thought you would be having with your boys now. There will always be those people who refuse to accept that your child has a problem. Oh, the stories I could tell! But you are right, you are doing the right thing for your son. What a good mom! I would only give details of your son to those who you know would support you. The rest be vague with. You need to only worry about your immediate family.
I appreciate how honest you were in this post. It as raw, but from the heart. I will continue reading your blog not only because you are a fellow mom of two boys who struggled with m/c and infertility like me, but now to learn how a mom lives and works with a son who happens to have a disablility. Good luck to you!
10:19 PM
My daughter Mariah...hasn't been diagnosed yet, but they are thinking aspergers. My husband is in denial...wow I am so glad I found your blog.
3:02 AM
Long time lurker (and comment #8, so you do have more than 4 readers!) here....
It isn't fair and I think you do have to mourn what "could have been", and you're also a great mom who will now work toward getting her boy all the tools he'll need to successfully navigate life.
9:00 AM
Wow! 8! :)
I'm so thrilled! ;)
tbg-send that email! I'd love to hear it! jadkins77 at yahoo dot com
Queen of the castle- I asked Dave if he remembers that, because I didn't...he doesn't! Could he? Really?
Kether, thank you. I knew you'd be here.
Simone, I'd love that, and thank you for thinking of us. You've got my email, right?
Mom Underground-Wow. Thank you. Really.
Former teacher-I'd really love to have your opinions as time goes by. Us 'infertiles' have to stick together! ;)
Stellabella-I'll have to check out your link...we can swap stories. Come by anytime.
Sue-thanks for posting. I am a long time lurker at many blogs and I know that it's easy to go along lurking and not posting, so thank you for your support!!
9:14 AM
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