All in a week...

So, let's step back to Tuesday morning, the first day of school.
I was a wreck.
I didn't sleep much the night before because I was afraid I won't hear the alarm. Is anyone else that way? If you know something important is going on that you have to wake up for, you just don't sleep well.
That was me.
Logan woke up at 6:25 rubbing his sleepy little eyes as he told me "10 sleeps down, none to go" (Counting down sleeps is what we do when Dave goes away for work, so we started counting down at 10 days until school)

He was excited! Happy! Ready to go!

After we were all dressed and ready to go, I took a couple pictures of him outside. He then saw the bus go past and insisted that he wanted to be a bus rider. I agreed he could if I could drive him his first day. SO, that's what we did!
We went together, took some more pictures and let him go.
I turned around and the tears POURED out.
My heart ached so much for him, but he wasn't there.
I think I cried most of the day. I know it's silly, but I couldn't stop the tears.

Logan rode the bus home that day and has rode the bus to school and home from school every day since.
The 2nd day I cried just as much as the first day because he hopped on the bus and didn't even look back for a wave. It is good, yes, but it is also hard knowing that he doesn't need me as much as I needed him to need me. I'm a bad bad mom.

Thursday, I cried again...but much less time.
The thing that was so hard was that I didn't know! I didn't know where the bus dropped him off. I didn't know what he did until school started. (He's there for a good 20 minutes before the bell) I didn't know if the big kids were mean to the little kids. I didn't know if he knew exactly where his room was. I know someone would HELP him if he needed it, but I didn't have a picture in my head. I needed to know!

Friday I asked if I could drive him to school, but he really wanted to take the bus. I told him I wanted to stop in the school office, so was it OK if I followed the bus. He told me we were going to have a race! ;)
He won by a long shot as I had to find a parking spot, but it wasn't hard to find him on the playground. In the sea of kids from age 5 to age 12, I found my little dude hanging at the teeter-totters. He was happy to see me, but also kept a bit of a distance. He seemed upset when I offered to help him do something. My heart was a bit bruised, I'll admit.
We wondered around looking at all the energy and excitement. The time flew by.
I loved SEEING it all.
The big kids couldn't care less about the little kids.
There were many aids out there and lots of moms too.
Everyone was well taken care of.
The bell rang, and Logan told me we had to hurry and find his backpack. There were two doors on opposite ends, and he knew which one to go in.
He lead me (hand in hand) through the hall and we only had to turn around 2 times to go the right way. He figured out we were going the wrong way both times and figured out which way to go. He led me to his locker, to his room and showed me how to put his hot lunch stick in the hot lunch cup.
He showed me one more thing before I told him I had to go and that I loved him.
He hugged me and even gave me a quick smooch.

I of course turned around and the tears started, but they didn't last as long as the days before.

I feel better because I see he holds his own.
He's not scared, not even close to crying, and thoroughly seems to be enjoying himself. He IS worn out though and told us on Thursday that he needed 100 days off because he was 100% exhausted. He IS gone from 7:40-3:30 each day, so it IS a lot for a 5 yr old!

The thing that I'm having the hardest time is is losing him.
He is my BUDDY.
It's so funny, but this has been such an eye opening experience for me.
I think back to almost 6 years ago when he was born.
I didn't even really know who I was at the time I gave birth to him.
I didn't know who I was going to be, or what kind of mom I was going to be.
I was just 24 years old and went from being a kid really to being a SAHM.
I evolved right along with Logan. I figured myself out.
He was my sidekick. We did everything together, and I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with him. I love still to this day taking him shopping or out to eat, just Logan and me.
I tell him that spending Logan Mommy time is one of my most favorite things to do. He always tells me it IS his favorite thing to do.

He is just such a big part of myself, my heart, my being that watching him go away is really an adjustment.

Never in a million years did I think that sending off Logan to Kindergarten would be this hard on me, but it has really been one of the hardest things I've had to do.

It's getting easier though, and I think that next week will be my healing point.
I'm finding out a whole lot more about Miles, even in just the last week. He's talking more (because he doesn't have his brother talking over him) and he's more patient. There was not a single scream this week (from the hours of 7:40-3:30) and I must say, that was nice!
Dare I say he's even been a bit easy!

It will be nice getting to know Miles one on one for a chance. It's an odd thing feeling like even though your child is rounding 3 that you really don't get much of a chance to spend one on one time with him. I'll get that now. He'll be my new buddy. I'll have two best buddies.
I'm still going to miss Logan like crazy, but he's starting his life now. I held his hand for almost 6 years, and now it's time to let him see the world without me being there. (yes, I DO realize that this is just kindergarten, but it's not like the days when I went to school!)