You see, the thing is...

is that I'm truely not letting myself believe a baby is coming yet.
I know I'm pregnant. I have some, not all of the side effects I once had.
My belly is growing. (I even wore a pair of maternity pants yesterday)
We have a room that will be the future nursery.
I speak of my unborn child often.
Everyone KNOWS we're expecting. In fact, Logan swears we are having a baby girl named 'Kermit'!
Everyone, except myself.
Now, I KNOW we're expecting, but I'm not fully bonded yet. Like, I'm letting myself take time with that whole emotional part, just in case.
I'm in the room right now, the room we call, 'the office'. that's what it is to me. It has plain white walls, because it was always planned to be our future childs bedroom. Daves finishing up our lower level, and that is where the office will be, and THIS room will become a nursery. I can't invision it yet. Maybe when we lose all the office furniture etc...and it is a blank empty canvass...maybe then.
My sister found a baby bib that she had always wanted to get for Logan but could never find...'I love my Aunt', so she bought it. I have yet to really LOOK at it.
Daves co-worker had a garage sale, but saved some of the really cute stuff and gave it to us...its still in the bag, in the basement.
I see all of Logans old clothes in their boxes, and they are nothing more than LOGAN"S old clothes. I don't feel a pull at the baby sections of any store.
Nothing grabs my eye and makes me say, 'awwww....we HAVE to get that! It will be perfect if we have a little girl...or boy...or BABY!'
Names...I still have the girl names from Logan, and they are after my Grandma, so they are the same. And I have a boys name that I really REALLY like, but...when I say them, its not as if I am saying them to any person, really. They are just names.
I can't invision this baby.
I can't invision our family with this baby.
I can't invision myself with this baby.
So, the question is, how healthy is this.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this baby. And I will do anything I can to have this baby,
I just have set up this wall so high that I don't know how to tear it down.
Oh, by the time I was almost 10 weeks with LOGAN, my whole life was changed! I was thinking about the baby in my belly ALL day EVERY day! I couldn't read enough information on how big he was or what was developing at this moment, or when he had fingers and toes, and I knew everything that was happening. the weekend we found out we were pregnant, I ran out and got a book and a frickin BABY NAME BOOK! I read it front to back a million times!
Now, with this baby, I tried to find my 'what to expect when you're expecting' and I can't find it for the life of me! I guess I feel as if I should make myself go buy another, but...I just haven't...and won't!
I don't want you to think that these feelings are those of not being excited enough, or wanting this baby enough, because those of you who know me know that I couldn't want this baby more!
I am eating healthy, taking my vitamins, drinking my water, VERY limited caffeine. I've given up my coffee in the morning, and I love orange juice now instead.
Its just, how...and WHEN do I make myself really open my heart up and FEEL this baby inside of me! Feel what I am SUPPOSED to be feeling!
Its not LOVE that Im not feeling, it is belief!
Here I feel I have to explain myself because there might be someone who doesn't understand what I am feeling and they might think that I am not happy enough to be pregnant after so long...trust me, I am.
I just need a little help getting to the point where I too believe, just as you do, that I am going to have a baby in january!
What do I need to do? Go and BUY that cute baby item, and hang it on the wall in this room? Make myself see it every day?
Do you think that will help?
i'm seriously at a loss...