Taking off the rose colored glasses
I really really could use some support right now...parents or not.
We prayed, used medical intervention, prayed more, socked away lots of money, gave it our all to have a second baby.
Our prayers were answered, and a natural cycle even...right before our first IVF.
Pregnancy was basically great until the very end...
Our baby was healthy and beautiful right from birth.
We had already done a bang-up job if I do say so myself with baby number 1, so baby number 2 would be even easier, right?
But you see people, baby number 2 has not been easier. NOTHING about bay number two is easy.
At first I attributed his sense of grumpyness to the lack of good living conditions at the end of my pregnancy. I felt he needed to play a little catch up. It was an excuse that worked in my mind for awhile.
Now, at 11 1/2 weeks old, I'm wondering if he's ever going to enjoy life, or as horrible as this sounds, if WE'RE ever going to enjoy life again.
If Miles is awake, he's usually crying. All those great baby products (swings...bouncy seats...etc...) all just a waste of time and effort because if Miles is awake he must be in your arms. Oh! and if he falls asleep and you put him down I'd bet my house that he wakes up within minutes to start crying again. So, literally he's in my arms ALL day unless for some reason the Gods are smiling down on me and he sleeps in his carseat. Even then, I have to be right there to rock it should he start to wake up. Then comes evening when Dad should take over. Logan's in bed between 7:30-8:00 and that is Mile's grumpy time...funny that I say its his time as if he isn't grumpy all day. Unfortunatly, I am the only pair of arms that do the job well enough, so yes, Miles is in my arms all evening too (sleeping) until his last bottle before we go to bed. Again, its funny I say 'go to bed' because I literally dread this time of day the most. I'd rather deep clean the bathroom then lay my head down on my pillow. As soon as my body accepts that it really is going to get some rest, who senses that and starts crying? You guessed it! So then it is at least an hour or more before I can feed/change/get him back to sleep. Yes, Dave does take turns. He's definetly a hands on dad. He probably does MORE than I do in fact. The only problem is that he doesn't wake up to Miles. Its not like I can really make myself sleep hard because then I have to wake up Dave to go feed Miles and sometimes its just not worth it to me to wake him up knowing I'm awake anyway.
So, take last night for example.
I stayed up while Dave went to bed around 9:30. I fed Miles at 10pm and finally got to bed at 11pm. Miles woke up to eat at 12:30am. Dave did this feeding. I still had to wake up Dave and wound up getting up to check on Logan to make sure he was covered etc...then my mind started going, and well, I just can't turn it off sometimes. He woke up again at 2:45 to eat...I did that feeding. I was up until 4:15 because his breathing was so labored (from the pneumonia) that I was too worried to put him down and leave him. 4:15 I get back to bed and Miles wakes back up at 5:45 to eat. We both got up at this one. So, while it looks as though I got 5 1/2 hrs of sleep, it was over the course of 7 hrs, and it doesn't include the times I was awake waking up Dave and then thinking about how I'm never going to get a full nights sleep again in my life.
No one wants to watch Miles to give me a break because they're all afraid that he'll cry the whole time. Another reason is that they want to give Logan some single attention, which is great, but Miles is sure getting the raw end of the deal with his extended family. By this time with Logan, he was spending the night with his grandparents (who live 6 blocks away) and Miles hasn't been even close to that point yet.
The plague that has filled my house ever since the birth of this baby is just to the breaking point people. I can't take anymore. Dave woke up with the head cold that I have. That means we are all sick. 2 with colds, 2 with pnemonia.
I can't DO it all anymore.
I told Dave that until yesterday I just told myself to keep rowing the big boat and I would make it through this. It worked, until yesterday. Yesterday was the day that I started feeling like my boat is filling up with water and I just can't make it stop.
The sad thing is, Dave agreed.
I don't EVER get a break. And I'm not talking about running to the grocery store with only one child...I mean a B.R.E.A.K. One where I can put my feet up and drink some tea and read a cheesy magazine. I'm talking one where I can scrapbook a day and try to remember it with a smile. SOMETIMES Logan goes to a Grandparents house for a couple hours to give me a break, but really, it isn't too much of a break at all because I still have a baby in my arms! (even the sling people...the thing is I want my BODY to not have 14 lbs hanging off it for one hour, ONE hour!)
**I must add that while I feel this way on the inside, I have never once let my children see or know how I'm really feeling. I do a really good job of being over cheerful and can quote just about any Barney song needed at a time of a crisis! ;)**I look back at the last 11 weeks and have a really hard time thinking of a single occasion that made me smile. Isn't that awful?
The thing is, is that I've not had the time or the moment to really get to KNOW this baby boy. If by chance he IS happy and smiling etc...Logan needs attention. I can't tell Logan to just go play alone so mommy can play with Miles. If someone takes Logan for an hour or two, I pray that Miles naps so that I can get some laundry done or unload the dishwasher. (remember, Miles pukes about EVERY feed so laundry adds up)
So, this is most probably the reason I decided in the middle of my 'career' that I wanted a new career. I wanted OUT! I wanted to go to a place where there are adults to talk to...water bottle gossip...FRIENDS to talk to...orders given to me so that I have some responsibility other than laundry, dishes, supper, and an endless supply of diapers changes.
I'm really having a hard go at things, and finally I'm letting myself admit that while I love my baby boy more than I can ever express in words, his birth has really changed my world. Now, I realize that had Miles not have been born, we STILL would have been struck by the plague, but maybe I could have handled it better.
I feel as though I'm still giving it my all, but I'm feeling beaten. Defeated.
I'm wondering if I'll ever be a good mommy to two.
Being a mommy to one is a piece of cake! But two?
I'm hoping, PRAYING that Miles will start sleeping, and maybe having some REAL sleep unlike the last almost 3 months, I will be better able to cope.
Right now, I'm lucky if I get to eat during the day because its hard to eat with a baby in your arms. Popcorn is becoming my daily staple.
In two weeks, I will be left alone with both kids for 6 days as Dave (lucky SOB) has to travel for a business trip. The week after I believe, he is having his second surgery. You know what that means right? Probably 2 weeks straight of me being soley in charge of both boys, morning noon and night.
I must say, I'm really anxious about his week long trip. I can't imagine doing a 10pm-12:30am-2:45am-5:45am feeding and having the energy to be up and care for both boys for 6 days straight.
So, I guess I just had to come clean with you.
Motherhood these days isn't all its cracked up to be.
I long for a SINGLE day where I can keep the same outfit on all day. Find time to exercise without praying a child doesn't wake up during the middle of it, eat a real lunch...a REAL lunch without horsing it down or eating it cold. A day where I could take a nap if I wanted, or a BATH if I wanted. A day where Dave could come home from work and I had the time to stop everything and wrap my arms around him and tell him how much he means to me. A night where we could have dinner together and talk about our days without getting inturruped by "just one more bite mom! Dad, one more bite? Can I get down now? Can I be done? I don't like this"
One where we don't have to take shifts eating because Miles needs to eat/be comforted at that time. (Its always me who eats a cold supper)
An evening where Dave and I could open a bottle of wine and toast to our wonderful life we've shared so far. Dream about the next vacation we plan on taking. We could snuggle up on the couch, or in bed for that matter and do things that married people SHOULD do (we certainly don't have energy to think about that!)
I think it will happen some day, don't you?
I'm not ungreatful, and I may sound like it after all it took to complete our family, but who KNEW it was going to be THIS hard?
And if I DID know, would I have made the same choice?
And if its this hard NOW, will it ever be easier?
BTDT moms...please PLEASE help me!
I hope I didn't offend anyone, and if I did, know it wasn't on purpose...I'm just a bit broken at the moment.
posted by Jen at 1:31 PM
12 Comments:
Oh man, I totally know how you are feeling! We went through the same thing when our second was a newborn/infant. It sucked! Charlie needed all sorts of holding, was an eating machine, had some health issues, and I felt like I never had a break. I think it is especially hard being a SAHM, cos you do this all day, then pretty much all night! But, at 8 months into this Mom-to-2 thing, it DOES GET BETTER!!!
Have you started a bedtime routine for Miles yet? Things got so much better when we started giving Charlie a bath every night. And he literally needs the same routine or he is a mess.
Secondly, I would unload on the family. Ask the fam who lives 6 blocks away (sorry, can't remember if it is your IL or your parents, and if it is the IL and you don't feel comfortable, ask dh to do it) for them to take them BOTH for an hour or two while Dave is gone, every day if they can, or multiple times. That is the great thing about you not bf, you can get lots of help. If they really resist (which is evil of them; they were parents, they should be able to remember!), is there anyone you could hire? A college student, teenager? Just to give yourself some sort of a break while he is gone.
Lastly, have you talked to the ped about all of the crying? Has he given you any ideas as to what it could be? Besides colic! Anyway, hang in there. Miles should be moving out of the infant stage and into the baby stage in the next few weeks here. And within a few months, you will barely remember this (or at least will be able to look back and smile at some things). Take care.
3:14 PM
I'm sorry things are so tough right now. I can hear in your words myself just a few years ago. I don't know when it will get better as each kid is different. I do have some assvice for you, if you want it. I only offer it because it saved my sanity and, not to be too dramatic about it or anythig, maybe even my son's life. Things were that bad and it is only by the grace of God that I didn't end up a cautionary tale on the 11:00 news.
My first is three and a half and my second is 8 weeks. Things are not too bad this time around but they were really difficult with my first. Reading your post brought that all back. In fact, I was terrified about the post partum period with #2 because I was so....homocidal?suicidal?... with #1 and I really did not want to go through it again. The lack of sleep, loss of self, feeling like I would never recover and be "me" or my husband and I would never be "us" again. I even chose not to breastfeed this time, thinking that maybe with a little more sleep and a little less hormones it would help. (I know breastfeeding is best and the guilt does get to me, but I figured a formula fed baby alive is better off than a breastfed baby thrown out the window...which is where we almost were last time. I am lucky enough to have called a neighbor to come over when it got really bad and even luckier that she was home and so nice...I barely knew her but she had three kids high school age so I figured she might be understanding, and she was).
Here's the deal. You must have help. You must sleep. You must have "you" time even if all you do with it right now is sleep.
Have someone...your husband, a relative, a friend, whoever you trust with babies. Set up a time once a week that both kids are cared for (easier at night since the older one will be asleep). Accept the fact that the baby will cry some without you, but it is ok. He is not being ignored, or left to cry...someone is there holding/soothing/feeding and he knows it. He may not be happy that it is Dad (or whoever) and not you, but he knows someone who loves him is there and ultimately he will be ok.
Now, use that time to sleep. It can be hard, I know. Make the trusted person take baby monitor or baby with him or her and close your door and sleep.
My friend's mom did this for her. Every Thursday night she would come over and take over. From 8pm until morning my friend was not to come out of her room except to pee. It was a lifesaver. No matter how bad the week got she knew Thursday night was coming.
My husband did this for me. On Saturday nights. Even if he had to stay up all night, he did it, and took a nap on Sunday. I had to wear earplugs so that I could sleep (my house is on the smaller side so I could still hear them in the other room). It took me a few weeks to do it but it made such a difference knowing that I would have eight uniterrupted hours, that there was some sort of relief coming. It needs to be a set time every week that you can count on...that is half the battle, knowing that the time will be there.
As for Dave not hearing the baby, on those nights have him sleep right next to the baby or put that monitor with next to his head (hopefully in a different room than you) and crank it up.
Even if no one wants to watch Miles to give you a break because they are afraid he will cry the whole time, they should suck it up and do it anyway. Sure, he will cry some but that's what babies do. You do what you can to soothe them and sometimes they cry anyway. Hard to handle 24/7...totally doable one night or one afternoon a week!
I promise, promise, promise that even this much sleep will help. You will be still be tired and stressed but you will be able to enjoy your family again. Please ask for help...ask someone you trust for one night a week...wouldn't you do it for your best friend or your sister or your husband or your mom if they needed you too? Shoot, I'd do it for you if we lived close and I only know you through your blog, but I've been there and so has anyone else who is a mom. It's not forever, and just a few months from now things will seem more manageable and you can thank them forever. Just ask them for help now!
Sorry I took so much room, and if I have stepped out of line with the assvice, I'm sorry.
5:07 PM
I only have one (and that is painful enough), but I do understand. I remember complaining to my then husband that the baby never smiled at me. He replied that it was b/c I never smiled at him. I can see one picture of us together that displayed that so well - however a hubby who helped at all would have helped a lot.
You're lucky with all your husband's help and the potential for family to help. Try to use all more effectively.
You sound amazingly good to feel so badly. Maybe if you sounded worse to them (I tend to be self-sufficient, so nobody thinks I need/want help) and were clear about your needs, they'd listen and volunteer help. A crying child isn't just yours, he's theirs, too.
Also w/the pneumonia, are you propping him up? Would it be helpful for him to sleep in a carseat? I do propping like that for my asthma and it helps tremendously.
Might he have something like reflux w/out the spitting up? Might it be something else?
All my best. It'll definitely get better, just a matter of when.
7:02 PM
Aiden was quite the little asshole up until about a month ago.. He's 5.5 months old now. I disliked this motherhood stuff very much. I felt horrible, because my younger stepson(3) used to spend lots of time sitting on my lap and we played a lot, then I had the baby, and he got so used to me having to take care of The Screaming One, that he now, never asks me to read a book, or to play, even when we're home alone. He just plays by himself in his room. It makes me feel just awful really. I breastfed, so there was no nighttime help. Aiden woke every 2 hours to eat for 3 months, now it's 1-2 times per night and he goes right back to sleep. Also, he never went to sleep without me sitting in my bathroom with the fairly loud vent fan on while rocking/bouncing/patting his butt(all at once) for at least 10 minutes. There were nights where we both cried. I learned, that I could get a few hours sleep if he slept on me. So we slept on the reclining end of my sofa. A pillow under the arm he was in, him mostly on his belly, and the only reason I slept sitting mostly up was because I was just that tired. But we slept. Then he would only sleep in the bed, I had to lay next to him, almost against him, and stay there, if I so much as moved, he woke up. One day, out of nowhere(v. recent, I blogged it) He didn't want rocked to sleep, he screamed and screamed. I got so damn frustrated that I was in tears, I put him in his crib, shut the door and walked away, to calm down. Not two minutes later, silence, of course I freaked out. I go back in, he's sound asleep, and has been going to bed awake ever since. He only will do so on his belly, but he sleeps, and he's old enough that he goes through the sleep cycles and all that blah blah lowered SIDS risk and all(bite me)... But belly sleep was how we survived. He slept with me, and while he was in my bed I was a terribly light sleeper, so I woke if he so much as took a breath wrong. Eventually I just got over it, and on his belly he sleeps, and I sleep just fine, no moniter nothing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Last week, it was like the newborn stuff all over, he had RSV, just as awful as the pneumonia I'm sure, and he didn't sleep(for more than 20 minutes) for 2 straight days. So, I didn't sleep for 2 straight days. And I had both of my step-children to deal with. It was horrible, and I never want to deal with that ever again, but I will. IT WILL GET BETTER, YOU WILL ADJUST. someday, sooner than later I hope. (:
11:24 PM
My son never napped like normal kids. It was awful. I think it's difficult to convey to other parents--or worse, people without children--how difficult it is to have a child in your arms the entire day. Basically, he would sleep only if we held him or drove him in the car. It was different at night--he's been an angel at night. But during the day, forget it. So, I got a baby bjorn and wore him all day and eventually, he became a toddler and it's still hard that he doesn't nap but it got better. And yes, I thought all the things you're thinking. I can't imagine what it would be like to have two young children at home to deal with while dealing with the crying issues.
Take care. You know, it does get better.
9:07 AM
Hi Jen,
Even though I don't have any children of my own (yet!) I know it does get better. Everyone's suggestions seem like really good ideas. Let the grandparents lose a nights sleep once a week. I don't know any grandparents who would'nt want their grandchildren over for a sleepover once in a while. And don't feel guilty about it either! You need to keep your sanity.
Have you tried weaning him off the 'always being held by mommy' thing? I'm sure he'll scream and cry at for awhile but eventually he would fall asleep without you holding him right? Or am I just being naive b/c I don't have any yet??
Boy I sure am learning a lot from your blog. You're amazing. You should be proud of yourself for being such a wonderful Mom.
Good luck with everything.
~Simone
10:27 AM
Jen you are always in my prayers. I wish I could *do* something for you. I think this will get better but I agree with everyone's advice YOU MUST GET SLEEP! I think a lot of what you're feeling is due to sleep deprivation. Also, I think you're going to have to let Miles cry a bit (make that your relatives are going to have to let Miles cry a bit). Someone has got to give you a break. They HAVE to.
Use this blog as much as you need to get those feelings out. We're all here for you.
Sending much love.
11:41 AM
Thinking of you, nice lady.
Your HELLP-and-difficult-baby-twin,
Julie
7:06 PM
Jen, Miles sounds so much like Brandon. Brandon was such a needy baby and NO ONE but me could calm him. It was to the point that he would stop breathing from crying if I was not near. On top of this mess, I have a teenager who needed some attention herself and started suffering depression.I felt a mess and felt I hit bottom. It does get better, I promise. It took awhile but definately start a routine and, AND as hard as it is, set him down and let him cry if it is time for him to go to sleep. It will pay off, I promise. Big hugs and I am here for you. ;)
7:11 PM
Aww Jen I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I have a friend that was just telling me that her babies first 6 mths sucked but now it's great. It will get easier!!! Hang in there!!!
It's not easy being a mom! I can tell you that!!!
As for when Dave leaves you for 6 days....well I'm in that boat right now. My DH is gone for 2 wks...it starts his travel routine. :( IT does suck!!! It's me and the 3 kids and that's it. I have no break, no nothing. I have them 24/7. I have cried all day. My head hurts because I've cried so much.
They say it gets easier?? I'll let you know!! And if you need to talk when he's gone you can find me on the TTCAL Island Survivors too. :)
You're doing the best you can!!!
9:09 PM
I'm sorry it's so rough right now. I wish I had some great advice, but I'm going through one of those bad weeks where being a mom doesn't seem like such a great thing. It might be better if I thought I was any good at it! Today I tried to go shopping for maternity clothes with my son in tow, and it just wasn't happening. I just want to buy some clothes, for crying out loud!
I know it will get better, it has to, because I'll be going through this myself in a few months, so it had better get better for you by then!
Keeping rowing that boat, have your husband start fixing the leak or something.
-Erin
10:17 PM
Shop at your favorite stores 24 hours a day. Why go to the mall when you can shop online and avoid the traffic
4:29 AM
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