So...thank you.
Thanks for your kind words, your validation, and most of all for just being there.
I don't know how I got such wonderful people like you in my life!

Miles birthday was pretty uneventful actually. We had his party already, and Dave was working, so it was just me and the boys for the day. For dinner we had his favorite meal: spaghetti. We also had left over cake!
After dinner, I got down on the floor and Miles came running (literally...darn that happens too fast) and lunged into me plopping a big wet one right on my lips.
He wouldn't go too far, being that he is just now leaving my hip.
He would venture for a toy and bring it back for my approval.
He would put his head down on my tummy and let me stroke his hair.
He would occasionally kiss me. He does this cute sound when he kisses. Sometimes they are quick kisses, and sometimes they are LONG kisses, complete with a pool of drool.

I was very conscious of the time. I dug out my hospital records for that day. They timeline everything. It's nice to have. I knew at 5:15 that I was exactly 'so and so' cm dilated. I knew when the doctor was in etc...
I'm going to keep them with Miles stuff so some day I can dig it out and re read it.
Dave gave Miles his bath, and I gave him his bed time bottle.
I smelled him, kissed him, watched him suck. I watched his eyes get heavy.
He rubbed them in this sweet way that he does.
Then, when he gets really tired he rubs his ears.
He pushed away his bottle when he was done, and usually he gets a kiss and gets sat in his crib.
I just didn't want to let go.
He just lay in my arms, completely awake but quite groggy.
I told him how special he was to me.
I told him how much I loved him.
I told him everything I felt.

He just watched me talk. He didn't fuss or want to wiggle away. He just sat in my arms and stared at me.
It was such a special moment.

I then picked him up, hugged him and gave him a kiss on his head and put him to bed.

I then took a bath and soaked it all in.

It's silly that it was so emotional for me, but it was a process.
I think I got out of it what I needed.
I think it will get easier from here on out.
I relieved everything in my mind from one year ago that day.

Miles had his 1yr check up yesterday. I got to hang out with the doctor for awhile. He always stays in our room for what seems like forever. Yesterday it was 30 minutes. We talked. We talked about last year, and he understood. We talked about Christmas and the magic of the season. He told me about his oldest daughter (5yrs old) and how he just relieved the magic with her.
He's a wonderful man and part of me would say friend.
We've been through a lot together the past 2 yrs.

So, there we have it.
One year has come and gone. I think I'm going to be OK!

Your words, about me being strong. I'm really not.
I'm just someone who was sick and really had to fight to get better.
I just survived something that I really had no choice over.
You all would have done the same.
I'm just a mom, just like many of you, who would do anything for her children.
And if you're not yet a mom, when you become one you'll see.
But thank you for believing in me and thank you for BEING there for me.