tick tick tick...

We're almost there.
I feel like a time bomb is ticking away.
This holiday season has been SO wonderful, yet in the same token, so very hard.

I've not talked about this to many people because I get the glazed over looks.
You can see the thoughts in the heads of, 'that was a year ago' or 'get over it' or 'I don't want to think about that time again'...but the thing is, I need friends and support to get through this.
I NEED to talk about it.

I, unlike my friends and family didn't only witness it, I lived it.

One year ago tomorrow, Miles was born.

Here is part of a post I wrote one year ago today.....

yes, I'm still here. I'm officially overdue. Yay for a job well done, don't you think?
40 full weeks.
I'm proud of my body!
That said, lets get on with the show!
Really, its been a hard week. For some reason, I'm getting really sick at night.
Every other night it seems. Last night was night number 3. (really 5 because the 2 nights in between I wasn't sick)
I wake up around midnight with HORRIBLE cramps. I guess its like gas pressure that has no where to go. I can't sit, lay, stand, crawl or do anything without being in horrible pain! Then, after about 2 hrs the vomiting begins. Last night was so bad I thought I'd burst a blood vessel or something.
The first night we went to L&D and was told I had a stomach bug. But now, seeing its coming every other night, I"m assuming its not a stomach bug.
I'm up for a minimum of 4 hours. Freaking out. Taking a bath or a shower or trying to find a place where the pain isn't so bad. Alone as I don't want to keep Dave up and REALLY don't want to wake up Logan.
Its not easy. I'm a baby when I'm sick and I get scared being sick when I'm pregnant. What if the pressure is hurting the baby? What if the vomiting is hurting the baby?
Getting no sleep isn't working for me either. Literally last night I had 2 hrs of sleep.
Any ideas on what you think could be happening?

It's eerie. One year ago right now my body was so sick. My baby, whom we didn't know yet was getting sick. His heartrate was all over the place.
I didn't know it yet. I just wanted whatever flu bug or whatever to go away so I could get on with the birth I wanted.

I don't remember much after the mag sulfate entered my veins, but let me tell you, I remember one year ago today.
I REMEMBER one year ago tomorrow morning.
I remember calling the doctor begging them to get me in asap.
I remember calling my MIL to see if Logan could go there while I went to the doctor.
I remember bawling on the phone and telling her I felt like I was going to die.
I remember the fear in her voice.
I remember my nurse telling me I was as pale as a ghost.
I remember coming home between my appt and my u/s and literally feeling like I would never get out of bed again. I was too sick to even cry.
I remember them telling me I had HELLP syndrome.
I remember her telling me that I would have a c-sect w/in the hour completely sedated and then I remember her telling me that I was too sick to have a c-section after all.
I remember the flurry of activity and fear in the voices.
I remember the group of doctors/residents and nurses I overheard in the hallway.
I remember the look in the mans eye who took my blood and gave me a blood transfusion bracelet. I still have that bracelet.
I remember the beginning of the mag sulfate going into my veins and the feeling like my body was on fire.
I remember looking at a bag of platelets. They looked like pudding.
I remember begging, crying, pleading for an epidural while they cranked up the pitocen as high as they could.
I remember the fear as the nurse kept calling the doctor because Miles heartrate was REALLY high (over 200 at one point) and then dropping really low.

That is where it all sortof fuzzes out.
I remember thinking that I might die.
I remember looking at Dave and soaking his face in.
I cried over my love for Logan.

I remember bits and pieces, here and there.
I was reminded last night that I had visitors that I don't even remember being there.
I remember asking Dave to leave the room and watch TV in the lounge because the flashing of the lights mixed with the Mag Sulfate made me feel like I was going to puke.
I can't remember Miles' face, his eyes, his cry. I don't remember his first sound. I don't know if he cried when he was born. I don't remember them weighing him and telling me his stats. I know I held him for a short second, but then they made Dave take him. I don't remember that.
I remember the burn of the steroids going into my vein after birth.
I remember looking at the doctor seconds after Miles was born and hearing her yell at the resident for shots of some medicine to help stop my bleeding.
I remember when they would only allow me 2 sips of water every hour for the first 24 hrs (and during labor) and begging for more.
I remember when the nurse got really scared when she saw how little urine I was letting out. I remember the relief when I started producing more. She later told me they thought my kidneys were failing.

I remember coming home only to go back to the ER because I couldn't see. They thought the HELLP was getting worse. It wound up to be fluid behind my eyes from my brain swelling too much.



So, here we are, one year later.
I feel like this just happened.
I haven't digested it yet.
I don't know how.
Everyone I know KNOWS it happened, but what else can they say but wow.
I don't know what I'm looking for.
It wasn't OK just because I healed. Heck, I was still getting abnormal bleeding times 3 months ago!
Just because my BODY healed, my mind hasn't.

I feel almost like I can't catch my breath when I think about what happened. Yet, a part of me would love to go back and watch from a distance so I KNOW...so I know. All of the things that I can't remember, I want to see.
I want to listen to the doctors in the hallway. I want inside their heads.

One year ago today, I was very sick.

Tomorrow, I'll be happy and I promise I'll tell you all of the mushy sappy things about Miles that I can't wait to share. Today, I'm overwhelmed.