The everyday life of a stay at home mom just trying to stay sane.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

so, as I was giving the kids their baths tonight...(thee longest post in history)

I felt every ounce of emotions come out.

Logan's MRI went very well. I mean, it went better than we would have ever thought possible. No growth in the last year. No growth period. And, because it has been so long with no growth, the doctor changed his prognosis. His chance used to be 75% chance of not needing surgery ever. Pretty good, no? Well, today we were told it was a 99% chance of NEVER needing surgery. We don't even need another MRI for 5 years!
I'm sure you can imagine what we felt like leaving the hospital.
Overwhelming joy.

So, take that back to the baths.
I started this blog almost 2 yrs ago. Can you believe it? It started with my struggle to overcome secondary infertility. I believe I had been trying for 17 months when I started.
This blog has seen me though so much.
Here is a piece from post from Jan 2004:

Well, the wait is over and again, I'm not pregnant...
I have so many emotions right now...
ANGER! I'm SO pissed off!
I'm MAD that all of this played with my head so much!
I'm mad that I made myself get false hopes again!
I'm SAD........so very sad!
Sad just doesn't quite cut it.
I'm DEVASTATED!
I even talked to my tummy today as if there was a baby in it, but no...no baby...NOTHING!
I'm MAD at my body and how it just seems to always be broken!
I'm tired..........
sick and tired...
jealous.....
sick....
so sad...


It started when I was in deep depression. I hated everything that was happening with my body. I should have started it before I did, but I didn't think I'd have much to write about (um..2 yrs later).
I wrote about doctors, clomid, tests, temps, friendships lost, hurtful words, feeling alone and angry and all the CRAP that goes along with TTC. I talked about IVF, and I talked about adoption.

I had a lot to talk about.
Then, the amazing day came where I got to post this.
Then came of course the excitement, and the fear of early pregnancy; the feelings that go along with finally getting pregnant after a loss and s.infertility.

Fast forward a bit to when we found out Miles would be joining us.

Pregnancy continued relatively normal, give or take a few scares. I had to put into perspective that I really was going to have a baby!
Looking back, it's quite eerie reading this post.
Knowing know that it was HELLP setting in, it's so strange to read. I should have delivered Miles by this point. I remember the morning I wrote this. I had no business sitting on the computer. I hadn't even been able to get out of bed for days. I was so very sick. I needed answers. I read horror stories and looked at my baby with shock and awe.
I had to digest what happened, and physically heal.
Then came early motherhood, and me finally letting it all out.
I blogged about some baby firsts, vacations, and moving forward with the 'no more children' thing. I blogged about finally connecting with Miles.

So here I am.
Mom of two.
One almost 4 and one almost 10mo.
There will be no more children in this family, at least birthed by me.
I will not be going through anything remotely as interesting as infertility, HELLP, or early motherhood.
I am done with the most controversial and interesting things that motherhood brings you.

Which brings me back to the bathtub.
I have what I always dreamed of having.
Sure, I'm still dealing with what I will always claim as 'worlds grumpiest baby', but life is good these days people.
I'm 99% healthy (still dealing with abnormal clotting from the HELLP, but optimistic it will be better soon)
My husband is healthy,
My children (as we found out today) are healthy, or close enough in my book.

I'm living my dream...right now.
I don't think I have anything else to blog about.
My life is complete.

It started off as a place to come where I could let it all out and not feel like I needed a response. I felt like no one HAD anymore responses.
It became a place for me to sort through my feelings.
It grew into a place for me to share my family and ask for support.

I think it's done it's job!
It's funny, because I feel like the therapy is over.
I'm ready to just live now.

13 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think there are always times in our lives when blogging (or posting on a message board, or obsessively hanging out with certain friends, or therapay) becomes a bit unnecessary. And I think that's a good thing.

I will miss reading up on you, though.

You'd better stay in touch. And I'm not getting rid of your link until I'm certain you're really really done.

Your friend from the old days,

Julia
Uncommon Misconception

9:07 AM

 
Blogger Christine said...

(((Hugs)))

Yay for Logan's MRI!!

Yes, I agree, if you are leaving, you will be missed. I totally understand, though, and I'm happy for you.

11:06 AM

 
Blogger Stephanie said...

Love and hugs coming your way. Just think how much money blogging saves versus therapy.

12:15 PM

 
Blogger Simone said...

WHAT?? Are you really leaving us? :(

5:23 PM

 
Blogger Crista said...

Wow. Well, I haven't commented in too long, and I'm on one hand very happy that you have reached this point, but also will miss knowing what's going on with you, even if I'm only able to check sporadically. If you decide to continue blogging, without the need for the "therapy" it provides, know you will still have many readers, me included.

8:21 PM

 
Blogger Kether said...

No
NO NO NO NO NO
NO

and another No



Super glad about Logan, though!

11:17 AM

 
Blogger Minivan Momma said...

Well, I think it's about time that you and your family get a break! YAY for Logan! Hopefully this is the last hurdle you'll have to get past and the next many years will be all smooth sailing.

However, as for being done blogging because you don't have anything left to say....well, neither do I, but I do it anyway! It's not necessarily cathartic as I have no real challenges in my life right now (quick, somebody give me some wood to knock) but recording all these warm, wonderful family memories just makes me happy. And someday I'll look back on this and get to re-live it. So my suggestion to you is, close this blog as you've closed this chapter in your life. Then re-open a new blog to document all the blessings and happy things going on in your life -- a new blog, a new title, a new chapter in your life. You could include a little link to this old site in case anyone wants some background info. And of course, let all of us know the URL to the new site and we'll all faithfully make the journey over to your new home.

12:58 PM

 
Blogger Linda said...

First of all, Yay for Logan's MRI.

I am sad that you are deciding to take a break from blogging. I love to read about Miles and Logan and you!!

I hope that you decide to blog again and don't be a stranger even if you are not writing.

Good luck with everything!!

4:49 PM

 
Blogger Kari said...

I BEG you not to go...

3:43 PM

 
Blogger Katy said...

Congrats on the great news. I am so thrilled for you.;) You will be missed.

3:42 PM

 
Blogger Misti said...

i was just getting to know you :(
i am glad you feel strong and happy but i will miss you :(

9:05 PM

 
Blogger formerteacher said...

Isn't that wonderful. I experienced some of the same things as you, and just yesterday I told my husband as I looked at our two boys,that I felt as if we could finally exhale. We survived so much, and have what we always dreamed of. We are so blessed.
I am so glad everything worked out for you too.

6:53 PM

 
Blogger Mama Duck said...

Wait, are you really, really done?

We will all miss you, but lucky you...I know where you live! ;)

7:11 PM

 

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