So today the evil meanies have invaded my mind again.
I TRY to ward them off, but then things are said, wether meaning or not and they all come racing back.
I can't help but be a bit sad today.
I'm feeling quite alone, although I know I am not.
Secondary infertility can really do that to you!
You see, there are those who do not have children who think that I might be being selfish for asking God for another when they are yet unable to have one, and then there are those with multiple children who kindof wished they would have stopped sooner, so they tell me that I should be happy with one child. And of course there are those with multiple children who are extremely happy with life granting them all the wonderful gifts of children.
I am not any of them.
I'm kindof in a small group of my own!
A dear friend of mine sent me an email yesterday that was like a letter written by a friend of the sender explaining what 'infertility' feels like. Granted, I can not feel all the emotions of someone facing infertility w/out any earth children, but even though I DO have a child, I feel almost all of the emotions that letter sent.
And what really sticks out in my mind that those facing 'special' infertility treatments (I would take that as meaning IVF) that only 11 percent of women actually go on to have children of thier own. Wow! I thought that number was VERY low! MUCH MUCH lower than I thought!
So, I sent it to a couple friends...didn't get much of an interest in reading it like I thought I would, but hey...everyone has their own lives and problems in their lives.
I can't blame them.
I did send it to my one friend who seems to always say the wrong things, although she ALWAYS means well.
The most important person who read it was Dave.
You see, he kindof thinks that I am the only one who has an emotional time with the whole TTC issue.
He read it, and the first thing he said was, "well, I'm glad to know that you are not the only one to face these emotions!" lol
While he DOES understand and feels the same sadness that I do every month, he doesn't know what it is like to be the one causing the problem, and the one who would carry the baby etc...the one who's body feels empty.
Reading that letter was the best thing for him! He totally 'gets' it now!
Thank you so much Rachelle!
I feel myself sinking back into a deep hole, so I have decided to take some steps so hopefully that wont happen.
I will not be frequenting my favorite boards as much. Its just too hard to read all the pregnancy stories and the stories of multiple siblings etc...who are so close, as well as close in age.
It is like rubbing salt into my ever so raw wounds.
What good is that? It just makes it SO much more emotionally hard for me, and then I wind up feeling sad and sorry for myself. A wasted emotion!
So, I will spend my time working though my feelings and writing. It really helps me. I feel as though I have all this building up, and then I can just write it down and go from there.
It is a great therapy for me!
Have you ever had one of those dreams where you feel as if you can remember everything...meaning smell, touch, sounds, smells? I know it is rare to have one of those dreams, but I had one last night!
It was Dave and I (and for some reason my sister...who always seems to be with us anyway, so I'm sure she was just in for the ride! lol) and we were in this room with a woman in labor, but I never saw her face, and she was very quiet. Dave and Jesy stepped into another room and it was just me and this lady. The babys head crowned, and just started coming out! I grabbed a towel and caught this baby! I could hear it being born, and I could feel his skin, it was unreal. Still now, I can remember that feeling and sound! His eyes were wide open staring into my eyes. It was like it was MY child! It was my child! It is something that I have a hard time describing, but I'm wondering what it means. Does it mean that I AM going to adopt a baby....a baby someone else gives birth to, but that is MY baby from the instant he/she is born?
I know noone knows, but it was a dream I will NEVER forget!