One thing noone teaches you when you are growing up is how to handle something like this.
I don't think I am handling it the right way.
I found some info on FSH levels, and according to my level, I am in 'perimenopause'...which, if I look at it with my humor button pushed...it is quite funny! Me..26...perimenopause!
I asked an online doctor at this wonderful infertility clinic about my FSH levels, and what he came back with is saying that it shows that I am starting in premature ovarian failure, and that he thinks that my best option would be maximum stimulation and IVF. Something I said I never wanted to do. Too much invasion, too many shots, all around scary for me.
So, after hearing and reading all I did, I decided my best option was to shut myself off from the world. My friends in particular. I emailed the few I talk to on a regular basis...my real life friends...explained what was going on, and that I didn't really want to talk for awhile. I needed to sort things out in my head. I only received a respose back from one person, a neighbor of mine. No one else. Do they think I am a wack-o....maybe, but you know what? Right now I don't give a damn. I decided I wanted to immerse myself in Logan and Dave and my house and my workouts. Oh...real motivation for my workouts. I tried on a swimsuit today! Oh the horror!! It really made me feel in the mood to WORK OUT today!
So, Here I am wondering if after all of this if I am going to have any friends left.
The thing is, I don't really WANT to talk to anyone of my real life friends right now.
One is newly pregnant...very newly.
One has 2 kids and is always upset with them, always stressed...tells me I'm lucky to not have two.
Another has 2 and a 3rd on the way.....
I think it is just what I need to stay away from everyone.
The funny thing is is I feel a bit freakish. I know that is dumb, but it IS a bit freakish to be in perimenapause at 26yrs old.
I am not in the mood to socialize, chit-chat about the weather. The weather has been incredibly gloomy and rainy the last week, and it really seems fitting.
So, I'm going to keep working out, keep hanging out with my little man, keep talking to Dave about my feelings, and my mom....and we will see when the storm lifts.

I've also been thinking a bit about some things that I would like to do when I 'growup'. Some things I might want to do while Logan goes to school in a couple years. The things that really pop in my head are...gardening, writing, painting, pottery....so I might see if I can find a class to take. I have an aunt who teaches ceramics and has a whole studio in her basement, but through everything that has happened in my life, my aunt is someone who has caused many a heartache in our family. I don't know if I can forgive her. If it weren't for her ceramic shop, I'd be OK with never seeing or talking to her again, so by calling to take ceramic lessons, I don't think that would be a good thing to do.........but, I don't know.
So, what I am doing right now is taking care of me, and my heart, and my family.
Although, my online friends just mean the world to me...so girls! EMAIL me! hee hee!
If I don't feel like talking, at least I can come back to it later! ;)
We'll get through this!