Its been 2 years
Two years since my life changed forever.
Not to the day, the day was actually last Wednesday, but 2 years since I lost my angel.
2 years!
So, as I'm sitting here with only about 10ish weeks left in my pregnancy, it makes me sit back and think about a lot of things.
How my life would be right now if I wouldn't have lost my pregnancy. I would have a 16ish month old baby. I thought it was a girl. I was only 7ish weeks pregnant, but I still thought it was a girl.
Logan didn't start walking until 15 1/2 months, so this baby would probably be walking...babbling. I'd be watching my children play together, learning from each other, only 19 months apart in age.
I'd be content with my 2 children, as I will be after this baby is born.
Life would be so different right now.
It makes me wonder what it would be like if indeed that baby WAS a girl. Here, being pregnant with a boy, I wouldn't ever have this opportunity to give birth to this little miracle baby boy who is kicking my bladder right now! ;)
I'm at peace with the loss of my angel baby. I miss her. I do feel as if we missed out at so much by losing her. We never actually got to know what we were having, never got to feel a kick, watch my belly grow... We also gained so much sadness and frustration due to the infertility that came after that loss. Its something that has changed my outlook and will forever change my outlook at life. Nothing is taken for granted anymore. I never think about pregnancy without the thought of the chance of it being taken away. I never look at women the same.
Infertility is always on my mind.
Now, I must say being pregnant now is making the 2 yr anniversary much easier. And I didn't think that would ever happen. Not that it makes the loss any less. Just because I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now.
But to be honest, I can't believe its been TWO years!
Anyway, my little angel, I'm thinking about you, and wondering if you're in heaven being a fun loving 2 yr old making everyone smile. I wonder if you would have had my red hair. I wonder if you would have had your daddy's eyes, or your brothers smile. I smile just thinking about the possibility.
I miss what I'm sure would have been a wonderful addition to my life, and my heart.
Someday...
posted by Jen at 8:02 PM
2 Comments:
My daughter (we like you don't know for sure .. but we both felt that the baby we lost was a girl) would be 6 months old now. It's so wierd to think had I not lost her I would probably be chasing a little crawler around constantly .. not pregnant and almost half way to the finish line. My thoughts are with you today.
8:35 PM
Isn't it odd that I thought mine was a girl, too?
Anyway, this post was beautiful and I thank you for it. You know, as I passed my angel day in September I thought a lot about how much the miscarriage changed my life. I think because I had always been surrounded by people who effortlessly (accidentally, really) have children one after another...more than they can take care of...and because I got pregnant on our honeymoon without much thought, I don't think I truly...TRULY...understood what a miracle pregnancy is and babies are. Especially a HEALTHY pregnancy and a healthy baby. So, now, every time I feel my boy move inside of me I am awed by that miracle. And that is indeed a gift rising from the ashes of my miscarriage.
11:13 PM
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