First things first...how can Christine go in the hospital and not bring a camera, a computer and whatever else she needs to fill us in with ALL the details and a picture of her sweet Maura! (did I spell that right?)
Christine, I'm dying for the offical birth story and to see a picture of that 'head full of curly dark hair'!
Pronto!
I'm checking like a mad woman!
These crazy thoughts keep going through my mind.
First and foremost, I will admit I'm completely selfish!
100% selfish.
No need to tell me, I'm working on it!
You will see what I mean here.
I've felt, since about a week after my delivery cheated in some way.
Cheated because I didn't get nearly the final labor/delivery that I had planned in my head. Yes, I know women who have crash c-sections at the last minute also don't have the delivery they planned. Are they complaining...probably not! Me=selfish!
I had it all planned out!
I was going to check in the hospital as soon as I could, maybe at a 3cm or so...contractions would be coming, but not too painful. I'd ask for my epi the minute I could and then Dave and I would sit together and watch the monitors go, knowing my body was preparing to deliver our miracle.
We'd laugh, joke, take stupid pictures. We'd call our parents and I'd talk to them in a calm voice because of course, I'd be fine due to the epi. (I had one with Logan...PERFECT!!!)
Maybe we'd play some cards, go over some other names we had in our head while we still had time. Talk about what was to come in our perfect life with our perfect boys. Wonder if our new baby would be as cute as Logan, or cuter! ;)
Instead I was admitted and immediatly told that my life was in danger if I didn't deliver this baby soon. IV's started coming in each hand, drugs, Platelets (which btw I'm extremely greatful for the donation, whomever it was from because it probably helped save me, but to be honest, I'm a little grossed out by the whole transfusion thing...) labs every so often that told me that I was too sick to have an epi, a c-sect or anything other than a vaginal delivery as quick as possible, Cathedar, I couldn't move, except for roll over one way, painful contractions, no pictures or laughing or joking or sharing a special moment. Just me, wanting to be alone in my pain. Dave couldn't touch me, not for a second or the pain would hurt worse. I'd try to hold in my screams, but they came out anyway. I almost hyperventilated and couldn't catch my breath before the next contraction came. I wasn't allowed to do anything naturally to see how my body would react. They broke my water, upped the pitocen to the point where the contraction wouldn't even completely finish before the next would begin. I don't know if I told you this (probably did...) but I PUSHED my cathedar out...yes, its possible.
I had this searing pain, and what it was was me pushing my cath out. It was inflated one inch...like a golf ball, and I pushed it out.
I didn't get that special moment of pushing the baby out and getting it placed on my chest because they were afraid I was going to seizure. Dave got the special moment...I was too out of it to even see his first reaction when he held Miles. (I hate that I'm crying right now...I want to remember that moment)
I called a perinatologist yesterday to see what autoimmune testing I should get done (they recommend it after someone goes through HELLP) and when I was talking to the nurse she also told me that I should count my blessings and end here. I get it people...no more babies...why does everyone have to keep telling me that...
I get it...
No more pregnancy for me...ever...
I will never get my final labor and delivery that I so wanted. I would have ended fine for me then. Dumb, huh?
I truely feel like I'll always feel jealous of pregnant people now. Isn't that SO selfish...I told you, I'm selfish!
I used to be jealous of pregnant women when I was going through infertility, now my family is complete and i'll STILL be jealous! I'm a horrible person...
I'm jealous that they will most likely get the labor/delivery that I so very much wanted.
I know its not about the labor/delivery. its about the BABY that comes, it doesn't matter how it gets here, just so as it does in a safe healthy mannor.
If I get it, how come I don't GET it.
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no trolls telling me how ungreatful I am please.
I'm not ungreatful...not an ounce ungreatful. I promise you that!