Refreshing

My little company was featured in a local state magazine this month with an interview, pictures and everything. I'm actually even happy with the picture of me, which rarely happens. It was quite a compliment.
When I was doing research on the magazine, I saw that they were doing an article about infertility coming up this summer.
I immediately emailed the editor, because hey, we all want to be published, right?

I asked how they delegate their articles, and if they by chance took submissions. I told her that I thought that adding a section on secondary infertility would be nice, as many articles on infertility talk only of primary infertility. I thought both sides should be talked about.
No dice on the submission, but she would pass on my contact info to the freelance writer in charge of the story.

A month or so later, I got an email asking if I would be interested in being interviewed for the article.

I thought long and hard about it. Would I want to be the person in the article telling her story about secondary infertility when I didn't even go through IVF? Even though my odds were in the gutter, and it was a stroke of luck that I ovulated the month we were moving forward with IVF?
I still went through a horrible time, and it is a part of my life story.
Would people suffering primary infertility read this article in distaste? What if my family read it, would I be comfortable with that? (My family knew, but it was kept at a distance)
Would I be comfortable with the fact that everyone who reads this magazine would know that we had a miscarriage and took fertility drugs?
I asked some girlfriends for advice and the response was unanimous. I had to do it.

So, on Tuesday (and yes, I wanted to blog about this ALLLLL week) Dave took the kids to the mall for dinner and I sat patiently waiting for my interview.
I jotted down notes. I read past entries of my blog wishing I would have started earlier in my journey. I wanted to make sure that I prefaced that I am not 'blessed' or I didn't have a 'miracle' that those who haven't been successful were unable to get. Also, that my whole heart goes out to those suffering primary infertility. (I AM blessed, but I also know that that is not what those going through primary infertility want to hear, because THEY should be blessed too...here here!)
She duly noted my request and promised that she was not going to make me into someone who was up on the roof with my arms in the air praising the Lord for my miracle conception.

After that initial 'get the rules straight', she just let me talk. I didn't know what to say or where to start. I sort of mumbled in the beginning as I paced around my kitchen and living room. A habit that I have. It is impossible for me to talk on the phone and sit on a chair. I must be moving at all times. Around and around I go.

Soon after I started talking, it just was easy. I told my 'story'. She was typing in the background. She would interrupt occasionally with the 'let me catch up here, one second' and an occasional 'wow'. She let me go on and on and really listened.
She said the most powerful thing that I said was, "You're sitting there with the child you are so lucky to have, yet all you can do is think about the one you don't have."
I'm not proud of this quote. But I also know that I didn't deprive Logan of any happiness. He was obviously clueless as we started all of this when he was 9 months old.

After I was done, she asked a few questions, and the subject turned to two couple friends she has. One suffered primary infertility, the other didn't. The two were best friends. Infertility drove them apart, and they are nothing more than strangers to this day.
I get that.
I lost a friend in the infertility/HELLP depression.
I've recently thought about reaching back, but I'm ashamed of who I was then. I was bitter, angry and royally sucked at being a friend. She also was a bit rough around the edges having to endure horrible preterm labor-twins born at 30 weeks.
We have been changed by our experiences.

Then, she asked me a question that I thought was funny.
"Do you want your real name used?"

Yes, I did.