OK, time to write it out

The good thing about a blog is that when you just need to gather your thoughts, you can do so. Sure, might be boring to the readers, but hey, my blog-my thoughts.

Let's go back to the delivery. Complicated? Yes, very. Wait, let's go back even further with the secondary infertility. OK, my body sucked for a long time, but it got us there. A lovely family of 4. All we ever dreamed of. OK, so if you recall, I continued have post delivery issues as well as continued to bleed for months and months and months after the delivery. Testing and more testing followed with a uterine ablasion and a polyp removal.
OK, so the ablasion wasn't that big of a deal seeing we knew that I was lucky to be alive and we weren't taking any chances anyway.
Things were great after the surgery. No bleeding, no cramping, no pain.
I was thrilled and only wished I would have done it sooner.
Fast forward 5 months after the surgery. Cramping, bloating to the size of an obvious pregnant woman, bleeding brought me to the ER with a uterine infection. About 6 weeks later, I was back. This time they thought perhaps I didn't have a uterine infection at all. This time I had a ruptured ovarian cyst. No big deal to me. I've had them MANY MANY times and even had an orange size one surgically removed. THIS was not the pain I've experienced with ruptured ovarian cysts before, but I just said OK, took the vicoden and went home.
6 weeks later, again. This time I believed that each time it was my body trying to have a period. Seeing I had no uterine lining, I wasn't having much bleeding. Bloating and cramping-MAJOR. That time I called and talked to the nurse who felt awful, but didn't know what to do for me.
She made an appt for 1 1/2 month, and low and behold, I had the bloating/bleeding and cramping a week before.
This appt brought only conversation-no exam.
"You have two choices: birth control pills to see if we can cut off the hormone production in your uterus, OR a hysterectomy. A hysterectomy.
Apparently she believes that I have either an over active uterus or adenomyosis. If it's an overactive uterus, BCP's will probably help. If it's adenomyosis, it won't.
Hysterectomy.
So far on 1 1/2 months of BCP (where I skip the 'period' week) I've bleed and cramped EVERY day. I've bloated up HUGE about 40% of the 6 weeks. I've bleed EVERYday. I'm popping Advil like candy.
As I was at my regular doctors for a whole other issue, I asked for his opinion on the matter (he's a GP). His suggestion was to do a stereoscopy or laporoscopy BEFORE a hysterectomy if I was unsure. But while I was there, he wanted to do follow up lab work.
One of the things he wanted to check was my PT/PTT (time it takes my blood to clot). After my HELLP, my labs were abnormal for over a year. At that time we (my hematologist and I) decided that seeing things were going in the right direction, we were happy with that. If I were to have surgery again, we could recheck.
Here we are almost 21 months later. Guess what? My clotting times are still off, as well as a few other things(the same things that were abnormal 2 months after delivery). Nothing to be TOO alarmed about, but of course concerns about WHY this is still abnormal arise. Did HELLP permanently damage my liver?
So, here I am debating a hysterectomy at age 29.
Are we done having kids? Physically, yes.
Do I NEED my uterus anymore? Of course not.
Do I want to have it taken out? Not really. I mean, it's silly, but I feel like it's an important part of my body. It held my babies-it grew them, fed them.
I can't imagine not having a uterus.
Isn't that silly?
If it were another organ, I wouldn't be as attached.
I think that even though I don't have any uterine lining and my husband doesn't have any sperm that I'm still holding out for that 'oops' pregnancy! ha ha!
No, really. I don't know what to do.
I feel like I"m stuck in this time warp. The world is going on and on around me and I'm stuck having to decide if I want a hysterectomy. If I do, it's gone. Forever. If I don't, I'm in bad pain for many MANY years to come.
Plus, the idea of having surgery (even though it most likely won't be abdominal, so not AS bad, but she'd go vaginally and want to remove my cervix as well. I just can't imagine what I'd feel like with no cervix and no uterus) there is still the issue of being a SAHM. Sure, Dave could be home for probably a week, but then what?
And then, it's gone.

Yeah, I know, what can you say?