Sleep walking has taken a new turn

Logan has been sleepwalking for the better half of 2 years.
Years.

I recall talking to his doctor at his 4 yr appt, but part of me thinks it was his 3 year.
Regardless, it's been a long time.

Some months he sleepwalks every single night. Some other months he won't sleep walk for 2 weeks straight, but then he'll start again.
Every time he goes nights without doing it we think he's done.

Last night I heard some noise upstairs, but it was the season premier of ER and there was only 5 minutes left and REALLY he only walks TO us, so I waited praying Neela wouldn't die! (she's the only reason I still watch). (stop it...I'm not a bad mother)

With 3 minutes left he stands at the top of our stairs (he's fine on the stairs people, no falling) with this goofy grin he only does when he sleep walks and just stares at me, smiling.

I get up to get him back to bed when he tells me that he was just looking for an apple.
An apple.
I lead him to his room when I notice that the floor is wet.
I look around, the room slightly bright from the hall light and notice a swirling pattern around his floor, on his night stand and in the hallway.

Pee.

He PEED in his sleep. Nowhere near the toilet.

I asked if he had wet underpants and he changed them, all while sleeping. I know for sure he was sleeping because then he crawled into bed, light on, and started snoring.

Dave and I cleaned up best we could, all with his light on while he snored away.

This morning he had no recollection what so ever and was extremely embarrassed by my accusations. Sweet boy.

Now, I did have a party last night, so I can't take the blame of putting him to bed without going to the bathroom. Of course that would have NEVER happened if I were home. ;o)

Two weeks in

So, I realize that I'm basically done blogging.
Here is me giving you permission to just stop 'stopping by'.
I'm dull, lame-o, boring.
But you know what? I'm actually living a full full life and it's a much better thing right now than sitting at the computer all day.

Now that that is done...

Logan has been in school for exactly 2 weeks now.
He is kicking butt in Kindergarten.
Things are going well, teacher is nice (although I have some concerns that I will talk about later) and he's making new friends.
We wondered if we should tell or not tell about the Asperger's. We decided to not tell.
We wanted him to go in and be a kid just like all the other kids and not be analyzed.
We were told by someone who knows who has a kid with autism that it wasn't the right decision, but it was our decision.
What we've seen in the past 2 weeks are some of his issues already popping out.
I'm thinking though that seeing he's only 5 that all the other 5 yr olds have issues as well, right? Perhaps he's not the only one, and he probably won't be singled out for having issues.
If so, we'll deal with it then.

But the thing is, he's not having issues that are major. He's just having issues that are obvious to us.

Let me talk about a few of them.
I decided to follow the bus in the van one morning (he will not let me drive him) just so I could see how the whole morning thing went.
There were a lot of familiar faces in the playground from the neighborhood, and I figured that Logan would be hanging with all the neighborhood boys.
Not really the case.
Logan wandered the playground just amazed at all that was happening.
His mind was wandering, racing at times and other times just gazing.
His friends would initiate play, and he'd respond with a friendly hello or wave, but he'd not step in and play. He was happily overwhelmed, if that makes sense. Completely clueless of the groups of kids playing together. Ready to let him join, but he didn't sense it.

Gym class the first day was about skipping. First, let me say that when you have 2 boys, just just don't skip! You don't! Logan was totally adamant that he wasn't going to skip or even try it. Apparently he gave the teacher a hard time. He told me that he didn't skip because of 2 reasons. 1:he doesn't know how. He's right! He doesn't! It's a motor planning thing, and also because we just DON'T SKIP WITH BOYS! I told him we'd work with him on the weekend and it would be fine! THEN he told me he'd never skip because only girls skip. It was a big deal for him not to do something that girls do. Very strange, I think anyway. I told him that it was 100% OK with me NOT to skip on the playground, but if the gym teacher wants you to skip, you should skip.

Friends. Logan has never had a problem with friends. That is unusual with the Asperger's diagnosis. My theory is is that he knows a lot about things that his peers love and he memorizes them and can roll out any fact or script at any time. This is his 'in'. He also is great with compliments, although he doesn't always know this.
The boys seem to be drawn to Logan. You know how they say when you're dating that if you don't show interest the boy will come.
Logan apparently has to fight off the boys when it comes to lunch.
On Friday he told me it was annoying how 'danny' and 'payton' and 'collin' always wanted to sit by him. "Don't they realize that there are many people to sit with? I don't always want to sit by the same people!" Just when people are forming their bonds, Logan would rather just go from person to person. While that IS great, I also wonder that he is going to miss the whole 'bonding' time and everyone will find their 'it' person and Logan won't understand that.

I now realize that I must tell Logan everything, because when I do it's in his brain but if I don't he won't realize it himself.
The other day was a cool morning, but a hot afternoon.
Logan was sent off to the bus in a light coat. I never told him that he should just put his coat in his backpack after school. When he got off the bus his cheeks were bright pink and his hair was sweaty and his coat was on.
"I never knew I didn't have to wear it if you sent it to me."

So, things ARE going well, but we're also learning as we go!
We know now that he's at a 2nd-3rd grade level in Math, although I don't know really how to approach that with his teacher. I know this by my friends who are in 2nd and 3rd grade. Logan can do their math in his head. It's his skill. The kid can play chess after being told the rules for 10 minutes. SO not my child! It will be an exciting ride!

A great loss

Sometimes you meet people who make an impact on your life, a footprint so to speak.

This is usually a person you admire and respect. A person you wish you could emulate, even if just a little bit.

I met a person just like that last month. A celebrity of sorts in my mind, although I'm sure she would have hated to know that.

I knew about her, know her stories, read up on her life and frequently TOLD her life stories to women who would sit in front of me, feet soaking in her products.

I was drawn to her, as so many people who know her are.

I was excited to be a part of her.

She died today. It was way too early for her to go. She was only 64.

The world has lost a great person, and she literally has changed this world.

What turned out to be a part time fun job has turned into something that changes the way I look at the the world.

SHE changed the way that I look at the world.

All in a week...

So, let's step back to Tuesday morning, the first day of school.
I was a wreck.
I didn't sleep much the night before because I was afraid I won't hear the alarm. Is anyone else that way? If you know something important is going on that you have to wake up for, you just don't sleep well.
That was me.
Logan woke up at 6:25 rubbing his sleepy little eyes as he told me "10 sleeps down, none to go" (Counting down sleeps is what we do when Dave goes away for work, so we started counting down at 10 days until school)

He was excited! Happy! Ready to go!

After we were all dressed and ready to go, I took a couple pictures of him outside. He then saw the bus go past and insisted that he wanted to be a bus rider. I agreed he could if I could drive him his first day. SO, that's what we did!
We went together, took some more pictures and let him go.
I turned around and the tears POURED out.
My heart ached so much for him, but he wasn't there.
I think I cried most of the day. I know it's silly, but I couldn't stop the tears.

Logan rode the bus home that day and has rode the bus to school and home from school every day since.
The 2nd day I cried just as much as the first day because he hopped on the bus and didn't even look back for a wave. It is good, yes, but it is also hard knowing that he doesn't need me as much as I needed him to need me. I'm a bad bad mom.

Thursday, I cried again...but much less time.
The thing that was so hard was that I didn't know! I didn't know where the bus dropped him off. I didn't know what he did until school started. (He's there for a good 20 minutes before the bell) I didn't know if the big kids were mean to the little kids. I didn't know if he knew exactly where his room was. I know someone would HELP him if he needed it, but I didn't have a picture in my head. I needed to know!

Friday I asked if I could drive him to school, but he really wanted to take the bus. I told him I wanted to stop in the school office, so was it OK if I followed the bus. He told me we were going to have a race! ;)
He won by a long shot as I had to find a parking spot, but it wasn't hard to find him on the playground. In the sea of kids from age 5 to age 12, I found my little dude hanging at the teeter-totters. He was happy to see me, but also kept a bit of a distance. He seemed upset when I offered to help him do something. My heart was a bit bruised, I'll admit.
We wondered around looking at all the energy and excitement. The time flew by.
I loved SEEING it all.
The big kids couldn't care less about the little kids.
There were many aids out there and lots of moms too.
Everyone was well taken care of.
The bell rang, and Logan told me we had to hurry and find his backpack. There were two doors on opposite ends, and he knew which one to go in.
He lead me (hand in hand) through the hall and we only had to turn around 2 times to go the right way. He figured out we were going the wrong way both times and figured out which way to go. He led me to his locker, to his room and showed me how to put his hot lunch stick in the hot lunch cup.
He showed me one more thing before I told him I had to go and that I loved him.
He hugged me and even gave me a quick smooch.

I of course turned around and the tears started, but they didn't last as long as the days before.

I feel better because I see he holds his own.
He's not scared, not even close to crying, and thoroughly seems to be enjoying himself. He IS worn out though and told us on Thursday that he needed 100 days off because he was 100% exhausted. He IS gone from 7:40-3:30 each day, so it IS a lot for a 5 yr old!

The thing that I'm having the hardest time is is losing him.
He is my BUDDY.
It's so funny, but this has been such an eye opening experience for me.
I think back to almost 6 years ago when he was born.
I didn't even really know who I was at the time I gave birth to him.
I didn't know who I was going to be, or what kind of mom I was going to be.
I was just 24 years old and went from being a kid really to being a SAHM.
I evolved right along with Logan. I figured myself out.
He was my sidekick. We did everything together, and I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with him. I love still to this day taking him shopping or out to eat, just Logan and me.
I tell him that spending Logan Mommy time is one of my most favorite things to do. He always tells me it IS his favorite thing to do.

He is just such a big part of myself, my heart, my being that watching him go away is really an adjustment.

Never in a million years did I think that sending off Logan to Kindergarten would be this hard on me, but it has really been one of the hardest things I've had to do.

It's getting easier though, and I think that next week will be my healing point.
I'm finding out a whole lot more about Miles, even in just the last week. He's talking more (because he doesn't have his brother talking over him) and he's more patient. There was not a single scream this week (from the hours of 7:40-3:30) and I must say, that was nice!
Dare I say he's even been a bit easy!

It will be nice getting to know Miles one on one for a chance. It's an odd thing feeling like even though your child is rounding 3 that you really don't get much of a chance to spend one on one time with him. I'll get that now. He'll be my new buddy. I'll have two best buddies.
I'm still going to miss Logan like crazy, but he's starting his life now. I held his hand for almost 6 years, and now it's time to let him see the world without me being there. (yes, I DO realize that this is just kindergarten, but it's not like the days when I went to school!)

Muuuuch better

*deep breath*

Last night was 'meet the teacher' night at school.
We all felt a little nervous.
Logan's teacher has been teaching in our town for 33 years.
I always get a bit anxious when I hear of a teacher teaching that long because criminy, I've only been a mom for a little less than 6 years and MY kids drive me crazy sometimes. How can they keep coming back year after year ready to play and smile each day?

We walked in, Logan squeezed my hand a little tighter as we walked up to the teacher together.
She didn't even look at me.
She got down and introduced herself to Logan and talked a bit about how happy she was to meet him finally. He gave her a picture of a rainbow with a pot of gold he made for her just hours ago.
She made him feel like Monet.
He didn't say too much....but I know that will change after day one.
He smiled, listened and added a little nod and 'cool' in there.
Then, we were off to explore the too little classroom in my opinion.
We found his LOCKER. (Was it only me who had hooks all the way through until highschool? I know I went to a private school, but yes, we had HOOKS in 8th grade)
We found the gym and counted 7 basket ball hoops.
We met the principal. (Remember how they taught you how to remember principal was PAL and not PLE? 'Pal'....your principal is your 'pal'....I wonder if they still do that?)

We looked at the lunch menu, something we have been dreading.
We saw things like French Toast Sticks and Mini Corn Dogs on it. That relieved him a bit.

He bounced off looking at everything with this smile in his eyes.

When we got home, we talked about it some more.

What did you think of your teacher? "Awesome"
What did you think of the school? "Awesome"
What did you think of the gym? "Awesome"
What about the playground? "Awesome"


So there we have it folks...it's awesome.
He's even letting me take him the first day, just so he can show me how to get to my classroom in case I ever want to come visit.

Everything was going along smoothly....

And then I realized today that I have one week left with Logan before I send him off to be raised by a pack of wolves.
Basically, right?
One week.

Then came the doubt.
Did I give him everything he needed or wanted from me in the past almost 6 years?
What about the last year?
What about the change that took place since Miles was born.
He was not the only one, and yes, I realize that that was for his benefit, but yet, I doubt myself.

I think, what about the time I didn't have the TIME for him. What about the time when I probably raised my voice because of something stupid.
What about the time when I should have realized that he needed me to hug him instead of scold him.
Sure, I realize there were a million times that I did the right thing, but then, I"m not perfect.

So I sit here, one week left wondering if he'll miss me as much as I'll miss him.
Probably not, at least I hope not.
I asked him what on earth Miles and I were going to do while he was off having fun at school and he said we'd do the same things we always do.
He's right.
Except while he's off having fun, we'll be home missing him.
A lot.
Tons.

My baby is growing up and he's going to take the bus. The freaking BUS!
I want to take him, and yet, I won't.
He doesn't want me to.
He wants to ride the bus.
School is less than 1 mile away, and he said I could drive there behind the bus. He must have saw that in a show or something.
I'll do it of course, as he'll be watching for me as he gets off the bus. I'll be there, but I'll have to leave.
I don't really feel ready yet to leave.

I think back to my early years with him. He's truly my buddy. The love I have for him is so intense. His pain is my pain and his tears are usually the ones I'm holding back.
When people are mean to him, I won't be there to protect him like I want to be.
I have to let him grow up and learn to be a boy.

I've known this day would come obviously, but the fact that it's here is so profound.
Ask anyone I know in real life, when the kindergarten talk comes up I always say, 'we're ready!!'.
OK, so maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought I was.

One week to breath him in. To hold him a little longer on the rare times he lets me hug him. To look deep in his innocent eyes. To hear that little boy giggle a few more times.

I 'celebrated' a big birthday this week.
30

I'm officially in my 30's.
Not without a fight though.
I held on to the 20's with all of my might, but one can't stop the ticking of the clock.

I hate my birthday.
I do so much better with other people's birthday.
I love to bake a cake, surprise them with presents and make them feel special.
It started way before I had kids.

AS a kid I remember getting a ladder and taping up the big birthday banner on my garage door for my parents to find when they got home. As well as all the neighbors, I now realize. ;)
Before I had kids I would surprise Dave with sometimes a treasure hunt across town to find his present. I would throw surprise gatherings of friends at the bar.
Having kids, I want them to feel like a king on their birthday.

The problem with loving to celebrate people is that I'm always waiting for someone to really celebrate me. Unfortunately I married someone who doesn't quite understand that.
It's something that bothers me, because I'm selfish I guess.
I want the celebrations, the surprises, the unique gifts.
Unfortunately I have made my birthday near impossible for my husband.
I just hate my birthday.

The day after my birthday is always much better.

This year I hated it even more because I had to give up my youth.
Yes, I realize that the 30's are probably going to be my best decade ever, but I just wasn't quite ready to give away my 20's yet.
So, what I did to make myself feel better was to think about all of the things I accomplished in my 20's.

I graduated from beauty school.

I married my best friend at 23.
I purchased my first new car, and have traded it in a few times over.
I traveled to Austria, Czech Republic, Austria, Texas, Vermont, Arizona, Florida, Rhode Island, and other various states near by.
I built a home.
I purchased a boat.
I met the best friends a girl could ask for in my late teens and still have them today.
I had a beautiful baby boy who stole my heart and made me grow up instantly when the majority of my friends were still partying at the bars.
I quit my life of working without a second thought to stay home with my boy.
I lost a pregnancy.
I triumphed over infertility. And I don't mean triumphed because I had a 2nd child, I mean triumphed because I saw it through. Something I'm not always good at. I went to each appt/test and went though it because I had a vision.
That vision came through.
I survived a situation where I could have died.
I walked into my home with my new little boy who I was lucky enough to have a whole 2nd heart to let him steal.
I started a business, that while it's minuscule, has been on the news, in print and online. I'm proud of that.
As my 20's were disappearing, I found myself.
I've found my passion, and what ignites that burning feeling in my belly.
I've found myself.
I've figured out that I like to dance, something I've always steered clear from.
I found out I like pink, a color I've always thought was too girly for me.
I've found out that I really do like being a girl.
I found that I really do love myself.
Something I could definitely not say only 3 years ago.
I've accomplished so much in 30 years, and I'm ready to enter the decade that everyone talks so highly about.
And a lot will happen in 10 years. Do you realize that when I'm going to hit 40, I'll have an almost 16 year old and an almost 13 year old?
This is the decade that will fly by as I watch my children grow.

So looking back, I realized that it really is OK to be 30.
I have a lot to be proud of, don't you think?

And I guess it was about time I reached the decade that all of my neighbors are close to leaving! :)

Boys

Boys will be Boys I guess...

and it's something I'll have to deal with all of my life.

Our neighbor, 2 1/2 years older than Logan, has been teaching him all about being a boy.
See, Logan was my sweet natured, well behaved little boy for so long.
He didn't pick his nose or say 'fart' or anything boy-like that until this summer.

In fact, we don't even say the word 'fart' in this house. OK, Dave and I do sometimes, but I just didn't think that was what I should be teaching my kid when Logan was young.

Somehow we decided that 'toot' was the word to use. Sounds so silly now, but it is what it is.

Logan and I were in the grocery line when he said, "Mom, J can FART!"

"What?!?"

"HE CAN!! I don't know how yet, but I'm practicing!"

"O.......K......" (thinking he doesn't even KNOW the word fart...at least I thought.)

Well, needless to say, Logan can FART now. Arm fart. You know, making the 'toot' with his armpit.

I'm so proud.
All day he's 'farting' while laughing his head off at the loud one or the long one.
He thinks he's the coolest boy in the world.

This morning, as the kids were 1/2 dressed I was watching Logan try to teach Miles how to 'fart'.

"Stick your hand here. yeah! Now squeeze your arm REALLY hard down~no HARDER! FASTER! Let me show you...like THIS!"

"too hard......" Miles said, bummed he isn't as big and cool as his brother.

Seriously, you go along with your child not seeing TOO much difference in sexes of children until about 5 1/2 and then boy hood pops out and hits you smack dab in the nose.

3 1/2 months until age 6. Can you believe it?

Those of you with traveling husbands

You know how your husband leaves and you plan on spending the entire week RELAXING and eating easy food and doing all of nothing?

That was my plan this week.
Nothing.

Sure, I had a few things to do, such as take Logan to summer school and a little bit of work, but nothing major.
I stocked up on easy food and was looking forward to the quiet time.
(Well, as quiet as 2 brothers can be)

But then, you know how reality steps in and reminds you that as a mom, a single mom for the week, you are not allowed to nothing.
It all comes at you, boulder by boulder and soon the week is over and not once did you relax.

That is my week.

I've done more in this week than I usually do in 3 weeks combined.

My kids for the most part have been well behaved though, except for some normal kid mistakes. (Such as the time we were at the grocery store and Miles was running up and down the front of the store yelling a loud laugh and Logan was yelling "Miles, HIT Me! HIT ME HARD MILES!!" and of course, Miles does and then Logan crys. It was nice. I got the 'looks' and headed out looking like the crazy mom. It's all good)

So, what's new with us?
Well, Logan is ready to go when it comes to Kindergarten. I know it's only July 12th, but he's READY! He's in a 5 week summer K class (1 1/2 hrs four times/week) and it's just not enough for him.
He's doing well in it too. He adores his teacher, and the feelings are very mutual.
We're noticing some more quirks come out as he's getting more comfortable. Part of his Aspergers. Weird finger movement and placement, tongue sticking out, constant LOUD VOICE. I never told his teacher anything, and I plan on not telling the school unless they have issues with him. I just want him to start on the same clean slate as everyone else. We'll see what happens, and if he needs help, I'll get it for him. Until then, maybe it's just us who notice? I wish someone would be honest with me and tell me if they see abnormalities, but of course my friends who know would all say he's just like their kid. Perhaps he is.
He's grown SO tall. He's SOOOOO tall. (And so very very handsome. Sometimes I just can't help stare at his little face when I am putting sunscreen on and just gush.)

Miles Miles Miles.
Let's just say that Miles has FAAR surpassed Logan when it comes to climbing on playground equipment. I think I know why it took us so long to get pregnant with him. God wanted to send Logan off to Kindergarten when Miles decided that the BIG kid playground was more up his alley. God knew that I'd probably be taking Miles to the hospital multiple times if I wasn't DIRECTLY under her to catch is fearless body as he fell 8 feet to the ground.
And if his future isn't in the circus, he could for sure be a Joker.
He's got more facial expressions than anyone I know. I can't NOT laugh at him when he knows he's in trouble and battles out a stare-down. I always lose. I can't stop the smile that forms.
He eats like crap still, but obviously enough for all the running he is doing. The little bugger is F.A.S.T.
I'm proud of him when we go to Logan's T-ball games and he actually sits for half of it before we can go to the park. That's a long time to sit when there is a park right behind you!

Dave and I are well. We're pretty stressed actually lately, and we could really use a few fruity drinks under a big umbrella on the beach, but that's not going to happen any time soon, so we'll have to hang on.
I'm dying for him to land so we can go get him and I can get a smell of him again.
I have a very good friend having some very real marital problems and it only makes me realize all the more just how lucky I am. I'm so very lucky to have Dave in my life. I need to let him know a bit more, I think.

Other than that, we've been busy as can be. We've even been able to sneak in some boat time quite a few times this year so far. That has been so very nice. You can't work when your on the boat!

Hope you are all well!