The everyday life of a stay at home mom just trying to stay sane.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

so, as I was giving the kids their baths tonight...(thee longest post in history)

I felt every ounce of emotions come out.

Logan's MRI went very well. I mean, it went better than we would have ever thought possible. No growth in the last year. No growth period. And, because it has been so long with no growth, the doctor changed his prognosis. His chance used to be 75% chance of not needing surgery ever. Pretty good, no? Well, today we were told it was a 99% chance of NEVER needing surgery. We don't even need another MRI for 5 years!
I'm sure you can imagine what we felt like leaving the hospital.
Overwhelming joy.

So, take that back to the baths.
I started this blog almost 2 yrs ago. Can you believe it? It started with my struggle to overcome secondary infertility. I believe I had been trying for 17 months when I started.
This blog has seen me though so much.
Here is a piece from post from Jan 2004:

Well, the wait is over and again, I'm not pregnant...
I have so many emotions right now...
ANGER! I'm SO pissed off!
I'm MAD that all of this played with my head so much!
I'm mad that I made myself get false hopes again!
I'm very sad!
Sad just doesn't quite cut it.
I even talked to my tummy today as if there was a baby in it, but baby...NOTHING!
I'm MAD at my body and how it just seems to always be broken!
I'm tired..........
sick and tired...
so sad...

It started when I was in deep depression. I hated everything that was happening with my body. I should have started it before I did, but I didn't think I'd have much to write about (um..2 yrs later).
I wrote about doctors, clomid, tests, temps, friendships lost, hurtful words, feeling alone and angry and all the CRAP that goes along with TTC. I talked about IVF, and I talked about adoption.

I had a lot to talk about.
Then, the amazing day came where I got to post this.
Then came of course the excitement, and the fear of early pregnancy; the feelings that go along with finally getting pregnant after a loss and s.infertility.

Fast forward a bit to when we found out Miles would be joining us.

Pregnancy continued relatively normal, give or take a few scares. I had to put into perspective that I really was going to have a baby!
Looking back, it's quite eerie reading this post.
Knowing know that it was HELLP setting in, it's so strange to read. I should have delivered Miles by this point. I remember the morning I wrote this. I had no business sitting on the computer. I hadn't even been able to get out of bed for days. I was so very sick. I needed answers. I read horror stories and looked at my baby with shock and awe.
I had to digest what happened, and physically heal.
Then came early motherhood, and me finally letting it all out.
I blogged about some baby firsts, vacations, and moving forward with the 'no more children' thing. I blogged about finally connecting with Miles.

So here I am.
Mom of two.
One almost 4 and one almost 10mo.
There will be no more children in this family, at least birthed by me.
I will not be going through anything remotely as interesting as infertility, HELLP, or early motherhood.
I am done with the most controversial and interesting things that motherhood brings you.

Which brings me back to the bathtub.
I have what I always dreamed of having.
Sure, I'm still dealing with what I will always claim as 'worlds grumpiest baby', but life is good these days people.
I'm 99% healthy (still dealing with abnormal clotting from the HELLP, but optimistic it will be better soon)
My husband is healthy,
My children (as we found out today) are healthy, or close enough in my book.

I'm living my dream...right now.
I don't think I have anything else to blog about.
My life is complete.

It started off as a place to come where I could let it all out and not feel like I needed a response. I felt like no one HAD anymore responses.
It became a place for me to sort through my feelings.
It grew into a place for me to share my family and ask for support.

I think it's done it's job!
It's funny, because I feel like the therapy is over.
I'm ready to just live now.

MRI time again!

Logan's MRI is today.
It will be checking to see if his cyst has grown any in the last year.
I am actually feeling really calm about it.
Usually I'm dreading it for weeks, thinking about it all the time...but this time, it snuck up on me! I almost couldn't find anyone to watch Miles because it was such short notice!
I feel like Logan has made great strides over this last year.
I remember the neurosurgeon joking that Logan wouldn't run track in school because of how slow and clumbsy he ran. THIS year, he's faster than our 4 yr old neighbor.
I think it will be exactly the same size!!

Of course, I'm nervous about the actual procedure.
I hate seeing him wrapped up neck to toes.
I hate watching him cry, seeing fear and not being able to do anything about it other than be there.
Luckily, it's VERY fast.

Oh sweet Logan, I hate that this is part of your life, but someday you'll understand better about the 'bubble in your brain'. And then again, maybe there will be no need to understand further!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

2nd child syndrome

If I were in a contest with you for 'best mommy award', trust me, you'd win!

Here's the scene in my house this morning.
Logan, up-fed-dressed, waiting so patiently (with a little help from Sesame Street) for the time when I say, "School time!"

He's watching Elmo, rather intrigued about how Elmo is flying though trees, just like his hero Diego. (any Go Diego Go people here?)

'Ahhh...sweet precious child. You make life for mommy SO easy!' I think as I kiss the top of his head as I walk by.

Scene two.
Cry...whine...cry...whine....translates into, "mom. I've had it. Would YOU like to be on the floor all the time? Yeah, and these toys, they're old and boring. Oh, and you don't fool me for more than a minute when you break out the kitchen tools. So the spoon with the big blue handle is cool for a minute, that's ALL I'm giving you. Oh, so you think that because your coffee is ready that I'm going to allow you to DRINK it? Can you do it one handed with my hand swinging at the mug from your other arm?? I didn't think so! I don't know how long it's going to take you to understand that I make the rules around here now.
And I say, PICK ME UP and carry me around no matter what it is that you're doing. Oh and you can't sit down with me either. The minute you sit down, or the minute you SIT ME down, all hell's breaking loose. Got it? GOT IT? Good!'

So, what does any good mother do in this situation?
Put down the coffee mug, pick up the whiney child, and sit down playing patty-cake with him. Peek-a-boo, tickle games, sing songs, kiss toes...

Yeah, well, I wasn't in that mood this morning.

What did I do?

Ahhh sweet baby, let me pick you up. It's time you learned something really cool. THIS red furry thing is ELMO. He talks really high and it's quite irritating to adults, but for some reason kids like him. Yes, and that's cookie monster. He'll teach you to eat your food way to fast and to pass up veggies for cookies. That's OK with mommy. Yes, get closer. Go ahead. WATCH TV!

Well, it didn't work for more than 2 minutes, but hell if I won't try again tomorrow.

And did you know you could down a cup of coffee in less than 2 minutes?
You can!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Meet my friends

Jack and Ben.
Well, OK, they are really my lovers, but shh! Don't tell Dave!

after many hours of sleep

I can again function.
Deep breath!
ahh....much better!

That was a bit of a recovery, but I honestly feel so good I would have never thought I had surgery just 3 days ago! I do have a headcold from hell right now, but that just goes with an over worked immune system in October, I guess.

So, this thing growing inside of me.
My head is aching to know what it was.
I can't even google anything because I don't know what to google.

I called my Dr today and pathology isn't back until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest. She did however say she did not recognize it. Great! She's been doing this how long and this THING that was in my uterus is non recognizable to her?
She called it a flap. Nice picture, huh?
So, now I wait.

On other news, I'm so excited to share about an upcoming date I have with Dave.
Go here
Dig around the site for awhile. You'll see what a wonderful foundation this is. You'll also see how lucky I am. So lucky.
It's funny how when you experience something, it never leaves you.
I am a HELLP syndrome survivor.
I will always be a Hellp Syndrome Survivor.
I will always know how lucky I am to be called that. This has become something I want to take part in.
It started with the walk-a-thon I did last May.
That walk-a-thon has prompted me to see what it would involve for me to take charge and have a walk-a-thon in our own state Capitol city.
It's something I can give, because I can. Because I'm lucky enough to be able to.

Plus, I get to get all dolled up for a night on the town with my handsome hubby!
Yay! :)

Saturday, October 22, 2005

quick update

I'm home.
I feel like shit, but I'm home.

The surgery was 1 1/2 hrs. They did not find retained placenta, however they did find an unrecognizable tissue type flap covering the entrance into the uterus.
They took it out and sent it to pathology, so we'll hear what that was next week I'd imagine.

Waking up was really hard for me. Surgery ended at 1:30, but I wasn't able to leave until 6:30 because I literally could hear everyone but couldn't open my eyes.

Today I have a migraine. Perfect timing right?
Some cramping and bleeding of course, but very minimal.

My face is all puffy for some reason, and my head is just killing me.

So, I'm off to bed, where I have only been out of it for about 30 minutes in the last 20 hours.

Friday, October 21, 2005

all ready to go.
Stomach growling like crazy seeing Miles had me up before 6am.
I want my morning coffee like NOW.
Nothing to eat or drink after midnight.

A bit nervous.
I hate the vulnerability of the whole thing.
Praying that all goes well and something doesn't pop out of the woodwork (as it seems to always happen to me)

I've given Dave the low down of what is where and who needs what just in case.
Because, you know, the house wouldn't go on if I wasn't here to keep it in line, right? ;)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

under the knife-revisited...and then some

My surgery is Friday.
Of course I'm still a bit nervous with all the blood issues going on, but I'm sure it will all go as planned.
The hematologist is on call just in case we need him, but my fingers and toes are crossed that we won't.
So, right about the time you all are eating lunch, just give a little good thoughts my way, would ya?
My dad got some concerning news this week.
He's going in for tests for possible Prostate Cancer.
I don't even want to go there in my head just yet, so I'll just think good thoughts until we know more.
Um...Tantalizing Tuesday. Yeah, I slacked. It's coming back. Even if it is just me posting some of my favorite recipes. But, that's not the point people...see...I want YOUR recipes! ;)
That's just all I got in me today. Hope you're all having a wonderful day!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

That's IT, you beady eyed son of a .......

I'm not stopping anymore.
I'm not slowing down either.
I'll be nice enough to not speed
I make no guarantees though.
You run out in front of my car each and every time I drive by. It's like you've seen the commercial (is it geico?) where the other damn squirrels think it's a game.
Let's see how many times we can get this dummy to step on her brakes.

Well, damn squirrel, that was my limit.

So what? You think because I spent half of my life not eating meat that I would forever slow down for you?
Well GUESS what Mr. Squirrel...I eat CHICKEN now! Squirrels are way below chicken on the food chain.
Say your goodbyes because today I put my foot down (possibly on the gas to go even faster than what you are used to)
There may be no tomorrow for you.

Monday, October 17, 2005

I even put lipstick on

First, Logan seems to be fine. We're going to an allergist though, as our pedi agrees that it sounds like allergies.
Thank you Jamie, that is exactly what our doctor said. He said to look forward to this from now on when Logan throws up. He said unless it appears for no reason, we should just know this is part of Logan.
Poor kid!

Saturday was quite the busy day. I went to ceramics class in the morning. I'm making all (or most) of our Christmas presents this year. It's SO fun! Then, in the afternoon I had housework and Dave's dad came over for a haircut.
We talked him into watching the kids so Dave and I could go out to supper. Dave's mom was supposed to be home between 5:00-5:30.
We gave Miles a late nap so he could stay up until 7:00-7:30 and headed over there around 5:00 to start the kids supper.
I got all dressed up...ok, I didn't. But I DID put on my favorite jeans and my favorite fall shirt. Did my makeup and put on Lipstick. Lipstick is NOT something I wear everyday, or every WEEK usually.
5:30 came and she still wasn't home.
6:00-we finally call her and she will be at least another hour.
7:00 we take the kids home for bed.

I was so disappointed.
I woke up at 4:30am with flu symptoms. My stomach felt as though something was tearing on the inside. I felt like I was going to die. It literally felt like my HELLP pain.
I had to wake up Dave and tell him that I was in the bathroom sick because I was afraid I was going to die on the bathroom floor and he wouldn't hear me.
Yeah. It really was that bad.

I was sick all day yesterday, but today feel MUCH better! Still a bit of a stomach ache, but NOTHING like how it was.
And because I was sick I had to miss the yearly Fire station open house. Logan LOVES it! SO many things for them to do.

One good thing that came out of the weekend was THIS picture.
I told you I had a big boy!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Yeah, I'm a bit slow

We had Logan into the doctor's office last night.
We just don't know if he has allergies or asthma or nothing.
He's been clearing his throat for about a month now and coughing every time he exercises or raises his heartrate.
Our neighbor has allergies and when she told me that HE used to clear his throat ALL the time before he got diagnosed, it got me really thinking.

Yesterday he had 2 issues that really bothered me.
First, abdominal pain. REALLY bad. Drop over, tears in the eyes kind of pain.
It went on and off.
I thought it was because he had hem...use the bathroom.
He did that, and still had on and off.
He's not the type to cry over pain, and it was so bad it made him cry several times.

Second, his neck has been bothering him. In the FRONT, like between the chin and the neck.
Yesterday it hurt so bad and the pain went into his chest and he had a hard time catching his breath.
Lot's of panting and tears and look of fear.

I took him to the walk in clinic after waiting for too long for my nurse to call me back.
Apparently his heart was racing when we got there (about 1 hr after the breathing/neck incident) but slowed after awhile.
The belly wasn't rigid, and seeing it was going on and off, they didn't think it was an emergency.
The neck couldn't be explained other than follow up with your doctor on a possible thyroid issue.
The breathing also was worry some, but couldn't be explained either.

Then came the part I knew was coming.
Strep Test
Those who have been with me for awhile know that this is no easy task for my big boy.

First time:
Logan puked all over the room. On the table, on the DOCTOR, in the sink, on the floor and then in the garbage can.

Second time:
Logan puked all over the nurse (who was holding him down) and the table.

This time:
Logan puked ALLLLL over ME. ALLLLLLL over.

Why do I keep making him go through this?
So, as I thankfully changed my shirt into a lovely GOWN for the rest of the evening, I sat watching his face break out in tiny red dots again.

Yep, petechiae.
Last time this happened they had me all freaked out about Leukemia.
This time, I want an answer.
WHY does this happen to Logan?

I asked this doctor and she said she has seen this happen in only a few children. (like meaning, from not an emergency)

I have a follow up with my doctor today to go over everything. I've also made an appt with an allergist/asthma doctor to get him tested.
You should see my calendar.
EVERYDAY has something on it.
It's only getting worse too.
Life is going to be B-U-S-Y until after Miles' birthday, I'm sure!
Can you believe that I'm already thinking birthday?

It's just this birthday schedule thing that sortof sucks.
Nov- Logan's birthday
Jan-Miles' birthday

Um.I think we'll be BROKE every year right about now, what do you think? ;)

So, I'm going to do my best to visit EVERYONE on my blogroll today plus some that I don't have on my blogroll but saved on my computer!
I need to update my blogroll, so if you're out there and read mine and want me to add you, drop a reply and I'll add you! :)

Have a wonderful day!

**edited to say that here it is, both children are napping and I am on to visit my blogroll. What's the problem? I HAVE no Blogroll! This happens sometimes, and it really IRKS me! So, sorry my friends, I'll have to visit later or tomorrow! What, is someone or something telling me to get my ass moving and do some laundry? hmmm???**

Sunday, October 09, 2005

A trip to the Pumpkin Patch

It's my favorite family day out.
I love the colors. I love the crisp cool air. I love ALL the photo opportunities!
Here are a few of my favorites...

Yes, Logan is P-O-U-T-I-N-G in that last one! He's good at that these days!
I can't wait to see everyone else's pumpkin patch pictures!!
Let me know when you post them!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

9 months

and sooooo big!
Miles had his 9 month check up yesterday.
He was 25lbs (100%)
and 28 3/4's inches (70%)
'short and stout'-like his mama! ;)

Nothing too exciting happened at the appt other than the fact that Miles was digging INSIDE his doctors ear. Like IN the ear canal. ew. And the doctor let him.

He's on vitamins now seeing the little bugger won't drink enough formula. The doctor said he could get Rickets if we don't get more Calcium and Vit D in him.

How's your weather?
Yesterday it was 85degrees here. Today, high of 52! Just crazy!
We're going to go from summer to winter again this year I bet!
Although it feels good to be in jeans and a sweater today!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Mama Mia!

It's Pasta day!
Let's have all your yummy pasta recipes!
I'll be posting some today too!
LOVE pasta! :)

Monday, October 03, 2005

OK, so I've been sitting here for the last minute thinking of a title. Thing is, I don't know what I'm going to type about yet, so no title it is.

Computer time is getting shorter and less available due to the every changing baby I have.
Yesterday he showed us that he knows how to climb the entire set of stairs by himself. Yeah...nice trick. Not STOP GROWING!

He can walk all around with his walker (push one).
He's a wild one, that boy. Always on the move.
If you try to stop him, he'll head butt you until you get out of his way.

He kisses us now. He'll lean right in, mouth open, slobber pouring out, and go straight to our lips. It's such a feeling. I can't even describe it. It's like, after the last tough 9 months (today!) he's finally showing us real LOVE. Ok, maybe he doesn't get it like that, but I like to believe that is what he's saying! ;)

2 teeth now! One ear infection too.
His 9 month appt is Wednesday. I can't wait to see how much he's grown!

I've been doing some thinking. Lets see if any of you have thoughts on the matter.
Logan will be 4 in a month.
He has that crappy birthday where his neighbor friend will start school and he will have to wait another year.
I'm thinking about trying to send him to school next year. I don' tknow if it is a good idea though.
You see, mentally, he's there. I won't go into a lot of it, but he can do math in his head, (even division), recognizes many words, his memory is amazing, can write every letter and number, counts to 100+...lets just say he gets it.
Socially, he's there!
Physically, he's there too. Bigger than a lot of kindergarteners already!
He'd thrive totally if we sent him.
In fact, in many states, the cut off is December 1st. OURS is September 1st.

Everyone says, 'he's a boy. Boy's are slower to develop and he'll need that extra year.'
I say, he's SO ready now, what's another year going to do for him?

But then I think about when he'll be old enough to drive. Everyone else will be already driving, drinking...etc....
I was a young one with an August birthday. My Brother was even younger with an October birthday (he got to start early)
What would you do?
Do you know anyone in this situation?

On the 'Logan boards', as I call them (girls that I met when I was pregnant with Logan) it seems half the kids will be starting next year, and half will have to wait due to the cutoff difference?

Recipes for tomorrow's tantalizing tuesday?
Any pasta!!

I'm looking foward to them!!!