The everyday life of a stay at home mom just trying to stay sane.

Saturday, January 31, 2004

Found a quote I HAD to add...
THIS is my WHOLE problem.

God, let me work though this! Maybe this is what you are waiting for!!

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell (1904 - 1987)

Well, today has been a great day.
My spirits are high!
Dave and I decided that we will seriously persue adoption come summer time if we are not pregnant. We are both happy with that decision, and it really makes me feel like there WILL be a baby for us!!
Its helped me a lot to know that fact.
Dave is about to start a total life changing plan.
He is going to become more certified in his cisco stuff (OK...I have NO idea what he does, but I DO know he works with computers! lol) but anyway, He plans on the next 10 months to pass 5 tests to make him certified in this one area that he is interested in, and then the next 1 1/2 years to study for this other exam that currently in the WORLD there are only 10,000 people who are certified. Apparently there are only about 4,500 people in the US who have this certification. This will enable him to get a job ANYWHERE and the money opportunity is endless. DOES take about 1 1/2 years to study for this exam. The lab alone costs $1,200 dollars not including flight/hotel to San Jose. It will be EXTREMELY tough! He said it is like taking the Bar exam AND your CPA exam at the same time. It will be like starting college for him. He said this next 10 months he WILL have to study for at least one hr a night at home. When he passes all 5 tests, it will go to studing for 2 hrs/night for 1 1/2 years.
A LOT of work!
But I am totally supportive of his advanced learning. He wants this really bad, and I KNOW he can do it.
SO, what that means for us both is that we are going to be vigilant with our vitamins. And we are going to start exercising more. I found this program at (I think...maybe org) and it is a program to get your body in shape to jog. I REALLY would love to be a jogger. For a couple of reasons. One...vanity. Apparently running is the #1 way to loose weight and to tone the quickest. Two...I'd be really proud of myself if I could job this spring/summer/fall. Three.....I think it will be a nice break for me right when Dave gets home from work. I can go jogging and come home and make dinner.
A healthier person makes a better parent!
So what it does is gives you a 12 week program to be able to job 30 minutes (about 3 miles) without a break. It starts out really easy. 2 min run/2 min walk...repeat until 30 minutes is reached...then like 3 min run/3 min walk...all the way on up.
We have an eliptical machine, so I am going to do my 12 weeks on that and then, spring will be here and I can take it to the streets!
Wish me luck!
I figure with Dave motivated, I will do the same!! I think the depression has got me SO lazy lately! I sleep SO much, more than I should need, so this will help me get some energy back!
Well, I just sent Dave out for a movie...a drama! Lets see what HE thinks is a drama!! haha! I had to tell him NO guns/NO military and NO blood and guts!
ha ha!
We will see!

Thursday, January 29, 2004

So today the evil meanies have invaded my mind again.
I TRY to ward them off, but then things are said, wether meaning or not and they all come racing back.
I can't help but be a bit sad today.
I'm feeling quite alone, although I know I am not.
Secondary infertility can really do that to you!
You see, there are those who do not have children who think that I might be being selfish for asking God for another when they are yet unable to have one, and then there are those with multiple children who kindof wished they would have stopped sooner, so they tell me that I should be happy with one child. And of course there are those with multiple children who are extremely happy with life granting them all the wonderful gifts of children.
I am not any of them.
I'm kindof in a small group of my own!
A dear friend of mine sent me an email yesterday that was like a letter written by a friend of the sender explaining what 'infertility' feels like. Granted, I can not feel all the emotions of someone facing infertility w/out any earth children, but even though I DO have a child, I feel almost all of the emotions that letter sent.
And what really sticks out in my mind that those facing 'special' infertility treatments (I would take that as meaning IVF) that only 11 percent of women actually go on to have children of thier own. Wow! I thought that number was VERY low! MUCH MUCH lower than I thought!
So, I sent it to a couple friends...didn't get much of an interest in reading it like I thought I would, but hey...everyone has their own lives and problems in their lives.
I can't blame them.
I did send it to my one friend who seems to always say the wrong things, although she ALWAYS means well.
The most important person who read it was Dave.
You see, he kindof thinks that I am the only one who has an emotional time with the whole TTC issue.
He read it, and the first thing he said was, "well, I'm glad to know that you are not the only one to face these emotions!" lol
While he DOES understand and feels the same sadness that I do every month, he doesn't know what it is like to be the one causing the problem, and the one who would carry the baby etc...the one who's body feels empty.
Reading that letter was the best thing for him! He totally 'gets' it now!
Thank you so much Rachelle!
I feel myself sinking back into a deep hole, so I have decided to take some steps so hopefully that wont happen.
I will not be frequenting my favorite boards as much. Its just too hard to read all the pregnancy stories and the stories of multiple siblings etc...who are so close, as well as close in age.
It is like rubbing salt into my ever so raw wounds.
What good is that? It just makes it SO much more emotionally hard for me, and then I wind up feeling sad and sorry for myself. A wasted emotion!
So, I will spend my time working though my feelings and writing. It really helps me. I feel as though I have all this building up, and then I can just write it down and go from there.
It is a great therapy for me!
Have you ever had one of those dreams where you feel as if you can remember everything...meaning smell, touch, sounds, smells? I know it is rare to have one of those dreams, but I had one last night!
It was Dave and I (and for some reason my sister...who always seems to be with us anyway, so I'm sure she was just in for the ride! lol) and we were in this room with a woman in labor, but I never saw her face, and she was very quiet. Dave and Jesy stepped into another room and it was just me and this lady. The babys head crowned, and just started coming out! I grabbed a towel and caught this baby! I could hear it being born, and I could feel his skin, it was unreal. Still now, I can remember that feeling and sound! His eyes were wide open staring into my eyes. It was like it was MY child! It was my child! It is something that I have a hard time describing, but I'm wondering what it means. Does it mean that I AM going to adopt a baby....a baby someone else gives birth to, but that is MY baby from the instant he/she is born?
I know noone knows, but it was a dream I will NEVER forget!

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Oh, I didn't tell you about a certain aspect of our vacation.
The first day, about 1 hr after we got there we went out to lunch with 7 people. We all ordered a drink to welcome the vacation and happy week ahead. All but this one girl. Later she blirted out (like I would have done too!) "oh, btw, I'm PREGNANT!!!!!"
I couldn't believe the timing! As I was JUST starting my period from my failed cycle, I hear she was pregnant!
THEN, we get back to the hotel and the receptionist said..."I just have to tell SOMEONE! I just found out I am pregnant with my 5th!"
So, as I thought the shock was over.....
a snipit from an email a friend/neighbor of mine sent me has been a couple months since we have talked, and she knew about my infertility issues......
They really monitor you well. I felt very taken care of and informed. If I did not conceive in the month that I did, I was to start injections ... they were still concerned with my lining. As a result I've had to take progesterone suppositories for 12 weeks in each pregnancy "just to be safe". I am actually on my last week of them right now, I am pregnant! I'll be 12 weeks Friday, although my Dr says 13 weeks .... so the baby is due in early August. I think you will be pg soon ...
Thank you for that last line...."I think you will be pg soon....." I'm glad you think so. (yes, that was sarcastic!)
because for some reason, this is all funny to me! I could laugh out loud just thinking about it!
Ahhhhh! Those voices in your head! lol

Oh, and I'm not negative....just bruised, thats all!

Monday, January 26, 2004

a week at the beach, and I didn't want to go? What was I THINKING?
Now, this was the most PERFECT beach! I HATE fruity drinks, but the beach MADE me in the mood for a daqurie!(sp?) It was heaven!
The temp was in the 60's ALL week, and it didn't rain a drop even though it was in the forcast! I got to get dressed up, drink...a lot...and enjoy my husband! (and sister...sometimes)
I got to pet a dolphin, and THAT was cool!
I got to see my sweet Dave all dressed up in a tux! the last time I saw that was 3 1/2 years ago when we got married! He looked so nice, it just brought tears to my eyes remembering OUR wedding day!
I can still smell the beach and hear the waves if I try really hard!
My new attitude for the month is whenever I am getting stressed about TTC, I am going to put myself back to that beach and relax!
NO testing this month!
And when I get my progesterone levels...I could care less! Obviously they didn't mean anything this last month, so why stress and get myself all worked up!
I am going to float into February with the hopes of a quick spring! I have gardening FEVER! I cant wait to get my hands in that dirt and create!
I will concentrate on that, as it is one of my happiest places!
For those of you reading this, this month will be different! One reason is because we weren't going to take the clomid this month, and then last minute Dave talked me into it telling me that we KNOW we have the RE appt in the end of feb. so instead of just lettingthis last month pass us by, lets just look at it like our freebie month! If it works, GREAT, but if it doesn't we know that there are only good things to come next month!
I am off to take a bath and dream of the beach!

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Well, the wait is over and again, I'm not pregnant...
I have so many emotions right now...
ANGER! I'm SO pissed off! How does one go from having a GREAT ovulation to not getting pregnant?
The nurse on the phone is a great big bitch! No sympathy at all!
I'm MAD that all of this played with my head so much!
I'm mad that I made myself get false hopes again!
I'm very sad!
Sad just doesn't quite cut it.
I even talked to my tummy today as if there was a baby in it, but baby...NOTHING!
I'm MAD at my body and how it just seems to always be broken!
I'm tired..........
sick and tired...
so sad...

Monday, January 19, 2004

Well, I am just getting ready to go to the doctor.
I have found a lump in my breast. I had a benign tumor removed about 1 1/2 years ago, but the tumor was a rare type of tumor and has a high chance of coming back.
I'm a bit nervous because this is bigger than the tumor was that was taken out.
I know I won't know anything today, but at least I will get into the doctors, and they will hopefully schedule the ultrasound for next week when I am back from my vacation.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

14dpo...I am not writing ANYTHING about TTC today!
Its sunday, the day of rest! lol
It is -20 degrees with the windchill today! WAY too cold, but I am still venturing out. I am getting a fake tan today! Mystic tanning booths? I'm a little nervous that I am going to be a streaked orange tiger, but being a red-head fairskinned person, I can honestly say I have NEVER been tan in my life! It will be fun! I'm going again on Tuesday so that I look extra tan while I'm in Florida!
Its only going to be in the high 50's to low 60's but BOY will it feel good!
I've already started packing, and got some capri's and am even bringing my sandles! How exciting!
Dave thinks it will be too cold for that, but I swear after the weather lately, it will feel like the tropics to me!
I got my haircut and eyebrows waxed yesterday, tanning today, got a new dress and shoes...I'll feel like a million bucks!!
However, I am going to miss the heck out of Logan! He is staying with Dave's parents. They are just great with him, and their house is like his 2nd house! He even has his own room there! lol He helps do the laundry, sweeps, unloads the dishes...OK, well, it is more like making a mess out of all those jobs, but he has fun doing it!!
And after the stress of this month, I really need some adult time. Some time to unwind and relax. Some time to be able to eat my meal slowly and actually enjoy it! Some time to not cook and clean and do laundry, but to go to a resturant and have someone else cook for me.
I need to get out of this house and this mindframe for a bit.
Also, its good for Logan too! A vacation for him! Grandma jan has so many activities planned for him! He is even going to gymnastics on Friday if the weather is good.
But, even with all that positive on going, I'm still going to miss him SO much!
I'll probably call more than one time a day! hee hee!
Jan THINKS she is going to start potty training him (which really is up to me and dave when we begin, but she likes to think that she has an equal say...don't ask!)
and I told her to go for it! If she wants to deal with that, by all means! If he goes with it, then I'll keep it up at home, but if he doesn't, we are not starting until early summer. When he can run around with out bottoms on and not be cold etc....where I can bring the potty chair out on the deck while he is playing etc...I'm really not looking forward to it! BUt I AM looking forward to not buying diapers anymore!
Its just one more thing that makes me look at him and see how big he is getting! He is already up to my belly button almost! My BABY! He wears size 9 shoes! Its crazy how big his feet are!
Anyways, I'm just rambling here........trying to keep away from the TTC drama of the day!
I have 2 loads of laundry left and I am completely DONE! Well, until we get undressed tonight! It really is a never ending process, but the look of a completely clean laundry room floor is enough to keep me excited!
Ah the strange life of a SAHM!

Saturday, January 17, 2004

second post of the day......
It has been in my mind SO much lately!
You know what the problem is...I want to be pregnant SOOOOO bad! I want to watch my baby grow inside of me. I want EVERYONE to see my baby grow. I want the big tummy. The kicks and rolls. the ultrasounds, the prenatal appts. the heartbeat....
I honestly don't know how I could go without ever experiencing that again.
Would I love an adopted baby as much, OF COURSE!
However, would I always feel a loss of not being able to get pregnant again...yes!
Does that make me a bad person?
I want to go into labor. I want to push, and I want to feel that warm baby being put onto my chest with Dave right next to me in awe.
My dad was so proud of me after I gave birth to Logan. I want him to be proud of me again for something like that!
I honestly don't know how much longer I can put myself through the emotions of this whole infertility thing!
It is honestly the hardest thing I have ever gone through!
Do you know that I truely feel that the infertility is MUCH harder than the loss of my second pregnancy? With my baby, I mourned her loss. Yes, I cried a lot yesterday thinking about everything, but I can go through my day and think of it only a little bit. Yes, 16 months later and I think of it daily, HOWEVER this infertility is running my life! The pills, the charting, the timed intercourse, blood tests. I cannot go a few hours without something reminding me of it.
I told dave, if this goes on much longer, I'd rather just have a hysterectomy and get it over with. Then, I don't have to wonder if I am pregnant ever again. I don't have to take the tests and watch with anticipation as the SINGLE line goes across the test. PRAYING if I turn it some angle in some natural light that I might trick myself into believing a line is there. Checking back hours later, just in case I missed it the first hundred times I looked at it. Yes, I know that thinking isn't logical, but sometimes logical just doesn't work.
After I posted my first post today, about 15 minutes later Logan woke up. We snuck together to our room to play the 'wake up daddy game' where logan goes in and kisses daddy until he wakes up. Its a game we play every weekend. one day it is daddys turn, the other mommys turn. We sat in bed for about a half hour laughing and watching Logan jump around like a monkey. Tickling toes, all three of us together on the bed, and I thought and even said aloud....we have EVERYTHING right here! We are SO blessed! Why are we putting ourselves through this. Our fog in the brain from all of this might be making us miss or overlook some of these great moments right NOW!
But, do I want Logan to be an only! I want him to have someone to play basketball or catch with. To go to when he is mad at me or dave, to giggle with and have secrets. THAT is what is keeping me going!
well, I could sit and ramble all day, but that wouldn't get the laundry done, would it?

So this morning, I took a test. one of the most sensitive tests you can buy...I couldn't fall back to sleep, so I HAD to take it...PLUS, my temp is still really high....but this test is one ugly ass negative! I was SO sure it was going to be positive!
My bbs are so tender today, but I think if I WERE pregnant, it would show up by now. especially on the test I took. So lets chalk up the symptoms to the Clomid. I have heard they can really mimic pregnancy when the dose is so high. That must be the case here.
The flicker of hope that I have had is REALLY fading right in front of my eyes. As is someone blew out the match.
This was going to be it! OUR month to celebrate!
Well, thats all I can say right now. My house is a quiet as a mouse, and I am going to go sit on the couch with some coffee and....think.

Friday, January 16, 2004

12 dpo's....
symptoms I am having...very tender bbs...acne...thats about it!
Will this month be THEE month, stay tuned!
I actually have been working my ass off today, and that has kept my mind off of things!
Seeing we leave for Florida in 4 days, I want a clean house...NO laundry etc, so I have some work to do. My office was a disaster, and SORTof still is. But, it is a million times better than what it was.
Logan has been my big helper today. Vaccuming is his favorite, but unfortunatly the vaccum is too heavy for him to hold high so the bottom is on the ground. Therefore, he is not picking up a thing! Its ok though, because it just makes me smile!
Its amazing how something can happen to bring a flood of memories back. As I was cleaning, I stumbled across the memory box that I have from my angel baby. I don't have much, but what I DO have is the onsie that I put Logan in and that I had written 'big brother to be!' on it. I have about 8 pages of congratulations posts from some of my friends online that were very sweet! I have all the pictures we took of Dave and Logan and me and Logan and Logan alone holding the pregnancy tests etc....picture of the little bouquet that I gave Dave to spill the beans. I put babys breath in a baby bottle with a small congratulations balloon and then tied 2 pregnancy tests to it, with a card. The smiles on our faces were so dear to me. I can remember that day like it was yesterday! The excitement I felt! And DAVE! You know, we have it all on video somewhere too. Daves total suprise! I remember he asked, "what does the two lines mean?" (just being silly...) and I just said, "congratulations daddy!" and he said..."nooooooo.....really?" and then I said, "Dave, someday that 2nd line is going to be watching this................."
yep! I'll never forget that in my whole life! And unfortunatly we did NOT keep good track of our little tapes (digital) and there is that 5-7 minute segment SOMEWHERE waiting for the right time to pop its little head out. You know, maybe when my parents or inlaws are here watching some of Logan's old footage...or when I am in a wonderful mood, and have to watch myself put my foot in my mouth.
The sad thing is, is when I am in the mood to actually see it, I bet I can't find it. I would like to put it in the box of memories some day though. Because even though the loss of this angel brought such reality it brought MUCH joy too!
We have decided...if indeed I AM pregnant, NO waiting around this time! We are spilling the beans RIGHT away! Why? You might think I am crazy, and maybe I am. But, knowing how much joy that little bean gave me and my husband in the couple short weeks of pregnancy, she didn't get to give any joy to anyone else. When everyone else found out, she was already gone. So, it was just horrible sadness. THIS time, even if I DO lose another, I want to know that even though her stay was short, she brought such an incredible amount of happiness to those who would have loved her so.
Its crazy that I have to think that way, but NOTHING is certain to me anymore...especially pregnancy!
I think I might take a test tomorrow morning, but I am still undecided. to make some mac n cheese! REALLY great huh?

Thursday, January 15, 2004

So...I did it!
I went out and bought the early detection test and took it! was negative!
But it is REALLY early!
I am totally divided here...
HALF of me, my daydream side says that I am TOTALLY pregnant! And i have to be because everything is in my ballpark right now. If I AM pregnant, I don't have to start back on the crappy metformin. I don't have to spend a TON of money at the infertility doc that I have scheduled in one month. I will have a 2004 baby instead of a 2005 would start out the new year SO well!
How can I NOT be pregnant, right??
THEN, my logical side takes over and says, "you think youre pregnant??? Are you crazy? What has happened in the last 17 months that makes you think that THIS is your month....NOTHING!! This is just another month of the same bullshit, and in a little bit more than a week you will be starting your crappy clomid again. Who CARES if you ovulated! you STILL only have a 25% shot at getting pregnant...the odds are not/and have not ever been if your favor!
So, I'll wait it out.
At least I know that I will know for SURE in 5 days. With a blood draw. Then, either I'll be pregnant on my vacation to Florida, or I will be drinking like a fish!

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

I have two different kinds of friends...those who understand, and those who don't.
Today, I can't help thinking about the ones that don't.
The ones that think that the last 17 months has just been a normal 17 months for me...just like them. They don't think one thing about me telling them that I haven't ovulated again, or that I'm going to get blood drawn for the upteenth time for some infertility reason. That I am again taking some medicine that will leave me with horrible, HORRIBLE side effects. Even increase my chances of getting cancer after prolonged usage. They just think that is normal, or OK even. They don't know that everymorning I can't wait to look at my temp to see if I have good news right around the corner. They don't know that sometimes we just don't FEEL like dtd, yet we force ourselves to so that we don't miss our opportunity.
When I tell them that my next step will most likely be injections...yes, shots...that either myself or my husband will have to give me. Doesn't that sound like fun? So much for the intimacy of conceiving our child.
One of these friends actually called me during the middle of my miscarraige(and I mean I was on the toilet in the MIDDLE of my miscarraige), and when she asked me 'what I was doing' and I told her exactly what I was doing she had the gull to tell me a story about her friend who lost her twin girls after 26 weeks of carrying them and that they had to have a funeral etc...and how I should be glad that I am miscarrying so early. Yes, she is also the one who constantly tells me to relax, and how in HER opinion more people would get pregnant if they just relaxed.
So, I guess it makes me wonder, are these people really my friends? Or are they people that I am keeping around for fear of not HAVING any friends anymore.
They are great friends when it has to do with their happy life, but as soon as I tell them that I am sad and need a friend, they are gone.
Prime example....3 weeks ago, I went out to dinner with my 4 closest girlfriends. I had a bad day, and an overwhelming doctors appt. EVERYONE could see something was going on, but noone asked. I guess they didn't want to ruin the happy moment.
As I was walking out to my car with one of my friends, I told her that I just needed a 'friend'. Someone that I could babble away to. Someone I could just open my heart to. She said she would love to be that friend, and that she would call me so we could get together and talk.
Do you know when I talked to her last....right before we each got into our cars.
I have some real soul searching to do.....

Hello one and all! I have been reading blogs for a long time and have always been to reserved to start one.

I have been relying on a few friends email addresses TOO much lately, and it is time for me to talk to myself, in my own head so that I can get EVERYTHING out!

Sometimes it is nice to know that you can say what you want anomous as the web is...and when you are finished, take a deep breath and move on.

This will be my place to do just that!
So, let me introduce myself to anyone out there that might be reading my thoughts...

My name is Jennifer. I am 26 years old. I have been married to my husband Dave for 3 1/2 years, but together for almost 8 years. He is my world. He makes me laugh, makes me feel good about myself and always lets me know how much he loves me. Yes...he does things that I would change...dirty SOCKS on the floor, slurping milk out of the bowl when the cereal is gone, walking on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with his wet shoes, but hey! Nobody is perfect, right??
But if I had to pick someone perfect for ME, it would 100% be my husband.

Another thing that he is great at, is being a father. Yes, we are SO very lucky to have a son, Logan. He is 2 yrs old (26 months). WOW has life changed since Logan was born. You see, we had only been married for 5 months when we found out we were pregnant. NOT planned...VERY overwhelmed! We will come to find out later that we WERE extremely lucky to conceive Logan.

I had my dream job at the time. I was an assistant Kindergarden teacher. The lead teacher was retiring after the year, and really let ME be the lead. I TAUGHT 5 yr olds learn to read and write. It was the best job I had every had! Dave was just starting out in his dream field, but wasn't making very much money. We lived in a brand new 2 bedroom apt. We had a great life! It was one day in February that the big OOPS happened! We know exactly when it was because it was the ONLY time that we had sex w/o protection. We couldn't believe the 2 lines when they appeared.

As I was crying in fear, Dave reassured me and then went on to watch the Packers game! lol He was not stressed in the least bit!

The news spread and everyone was full of joy! EVerything was fine until about 26 weeks when I started going into preterm labor. I was in and out of the hospital probably 8 times getting the trebutaline to stop the contractions. I also had funny heart palpitations and dizzyness. They were totally looked over by my doctor.

Even with the preterm labor, I delivered 2 days over due...even though labor started on my due date! After about 18 hrs of labor, I developed a high fever of 103.5 and Logan wasn't getting enough oxygen. I had to wear an oxygen mask and had to stay completely on one side. If I moved even a bit, his heartrate dropped! They decided to test my amniotic fluid, and low and behold I had an infection. It is called chorioamnionitis. All the symptoms I was having starting with the preterm labor were finally answered. The sad thing is is that I could have lost Logan from this infection.

We were going to have a C-section when the woman next door hemoraged and had to have an emergence C-section. I kept pushing along. after 4 1/2 hrs of pushing, Logan made is way into the world. We didn't know it was a boy, so needless to say, we were estatic! And luckily he was as healthy as could be! Scored a 9 and a 9 on his apgar score!
Going forward 9 months now! lol I'll go into the last 9 months later in another post!

9 months later, and we decided that we would start trying again. You see, we really only wanted 2 children, and we wanted them really close together. It was our anniversary, and we thought what the hell! and guess what??? We conceived! Now of course Dave was SURE it had everything to do with, and I quote, "his SUPER SPERM".

We decided that we would wait to tell everyone at Logans first birthday! How exciting! Unfortunatly, we miscarried about 6-7 weeks (October 6, 2002). I was devistated! If you have gone through a miscarriage, you understand. I won't even go into those feelings right now! We didn't get to tell everyone happily, we wound up telling those that we cared about that yes, we were pregnant, and sorry we didn't tell you sooner, but our baby didn't make it...not really as planned...

I just couldn't believe what was happening in my ever so happy world! I felt a complete emptyness at Logans birthday party, even though I tried hard not to think of it.

So, we decided to start trying RIGHT away. I have VERY irregular periods though, and 4 months later found myself at my OBs office with a perscription for Provera and Clomid.

FERTILITY DRUGS! ME! A 25 yr old healthy woman?? WTF?

I was in shockOf course now, I realize that clomid is really no big deal, but at the was!

So, lets make this last 11 months breeze by...11 months, 5 rounds of clomid...I am not pregnant!
I only ovulated two times on the 5 doses. One of the ovulations, I wound up with an orange sized cyst that was going to be surgically removed, until it burst in my belly...and I spent the day at the ER. Actually, at the moment I am 8 days past ovulation (DPO) from my 2nd ovulation.

I DID have good feelings about this month. I took the highest recommended dose (150mgs) and am actually only the 2nd person my doc has had to perscribe that much to. The other woman got pregnant(with twins!!)! I have NO reason to not think I am pregnant! We had sex the 2 days before and the day of ovulation, so there were PLENTY Of "SUPER SPERM" waiting for that egg! However, after 17 months of infertility, you can't just assume the logical thing will happen. You just prepare yourself for the letdown. I'm prepared to NOT be pregnant!

I am prepared to congratulate the next round of woman who tell me they are pregnant without trying...and the ones who HAVE been trying! They all deserve the happiness that they get! Of course I truely AM happy for them all, and wish them only the best....however....I am sort of sick (that sounds mean...I don't mean it as mean)of congratulating people as I sit on the sidelines. I want people to congratulate ME! (Did I tell you I was selfish?)

I'm sure some of you understand.

I have no real life friends that have gone through miscarriage/infertility and the horrible emotional games that go along with it. In fact, some of my very fertile friends seem to truely believe they are saying the right thing when the tell me to just "relax!" RELAX my ass! Yeah, 2 maybe 3 months of trying...relax might have helped, but 17 months later, DON'T tell me to relax! That will only piss me off more! lol
You know the type. The ones that get pregnant just because they think it is the time.

But you know what?? If I wouldn't have miscarried I would have BEEN that person! I wouldn't know a THING about basal charts, cervical mucus, (oh...have you ever tried to talk to a fertile friend about cervical mucus??? roflmfao!!!!) cervical position and firmness (although I do not use this method, I know what to look for!) or progesterone tests. I would be a happy ignorant mommy of 2.

In some ways, I truely think my life has been blessed in some ways. I know exactly how hard it IS to try to have a child.

I know what other people might be feeling when they miscarry. I have met SO many wonderful women who are going through the same struggle that I am! I would know NOTHING of what I do if I didn't go through this struggle! When I DO become pregnant, I will cherish EVERY moment of it! I won't wish it along, and I won't be sad at the stretch marks and weight gain. I will revel in the pregnancy glow (or acne! lol)

Well, how is that for my first post!

I'm telling ya, it already feels good to get this down on paper!

Stay tuned for my next one!

By jadkins77