The everyday life of a stay at home mom just trying to stay sane.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Lets start my 100 things...

1. I got married September 16, 2000. We were so young, at least it seems to me now. I sure didn't think so at the time! I was JUST 23, and my husband was JUST 24. I look back at the pictures and still see childhood in me! We dated for almost 5 years before the wedding. I actually met him when I was only 18. We moved in together 2 years after we started dating. He was my first serious relationship. I married the best person in the world for me! I am so lucky I found him at such a young age!

2. I went to a private school from K-8th grade. There were only 18 people in my 8th grade graduation ceremony. We never had lockers (only hooks to hang our coat) We never switched classrooms. We had one teacher all day long. We had recess all the way through 8th grade. My prinipal smoked cigars in his office. In order to use the bathroom, we had to sign out before we left the classroom. At the end of the month, whoever went to the bathroom the most had to wear a burger king crown for the day. Yeah...that was nice as the girls were starting to get their periods.
We had to do strange punishments like hold chalk on our nose to the chalkboard while on our tippy toes. If our desks were too messy, the teacher would 'dump' them into a huge pile in the middle of the room with everyone elses stuff and you had to dig through the mess to find your stuff. Another great thing when you are just getting your period. We were not allowed to have all!

3. Going from post #2, I transferred to our local public school for highschool which was thee most intimidating thing in the whole world. My first morning I only knew ONE girl from my elementary school. We walked down the hall, and people were kissing, swearing, and even talking back to teachers. We were terrified. The sophmores knew I was a freshman, but the freshman thought I was a sophmore, so no one talked to me. And I was way too shy to talk to anyone! At lunch, I sat by myself...alone...for quite some time. I HATED school! UNTIL...

4. I met my friends. Granted, I never felt like I was one of them...ever actually! But as time went on, I felt more comfortable with them. The pressure to fit in one group and be liked got me into some trouble. All my new friends smoked and drank (as well as other things) I worked at a family owned grocery store as soon as I turned 16. I STOLE (BAD ME!!) a pack of cigarettes (REDS mind you...haha! I had no clue) and on the way home I smoked my first cigarette. I remember the whole thing. I was SUCH a loser! I talked myself into actually enjoying the smell, between coughs (was I even inhaling? I have no clue) and told myself I could enjoy this. Stupid me later DID start enjoying it, and that led to a 8 yr smoking habit that was VERY hard to break.

5. I wore my first pair of jeans when I was in highschool. Now you might be thinking..WHAT? I'm serious! My parents never had much money (although we NEVER knew) and I would wear things like stretch pants etc. My mom wouldn't let me buy jeans. I never really pleaded until one day one of my friends in 8th grade asked why I never wore jeans. I started to realize that I was the ONLY one who never wore jeans. It was when I started highschool that I got my first stock of jeans. Wierd...I know! I still don't understand!

6. I got my first kiss when I was 16. I was a junior in hichschool. Can you belive that! Remember, I went from a crazy school through 8th grade to having NO friends my freshman year, to starting to have some pretty good friends my sophmore year which lead to my first 'boyfriend' and first kiss the beginning of my junior year. Actually, its kindof cool I waited so long, because I'll never forget it...ever! Its one of those things I'm glad I was old enough to appreciate it. I have a guy friend who lost his virginity at fricking age 12! I'm glad my first kiss was something so sweet that I'll remember forever!

7. I sang in the choir from 4th-12th grade. I loved singing, still do! If I could become someone else for a day, I'd give anything to step on stage and sing. But, anyway...our junior year, we were picked out of all the highschools in my state as one of 4 schools to go sing in Carnegie Hall. It was AMAZING! To stand on that stage and sing and look in to the (empty) crowd and see what all the other amazing singers back in the day saw. It is something I'll be proud of forever!
NYC is AMAZING, and someday, I can't wait to go back!

8. I have one older brother and one younger sister. We are all exactly 33 months apart. My brother was one of the meanest brothers I've known when we were growing up, and we had rug burns weekly from him dragging us down the hall to send us to our room. It was rediculous, really. We called my poor poor mom at work MULITPLE times a day screaming and crying because of my brother. Today, he is a well respected Accountant who will NEVER ever have children of his own. He's actually never had a girlfriend in his whole life. Its sad really. He's kindof a hermit. But he likes that! Someday, I hope someone finds him and sweeps him off his feet. We get along pretty well these days, although, he's still a bit odd. Don't all families have those odd members though?

9.My favorite singer in the whole world is Dave Matthews. I'm addicted to him and his music and would love to know more about his life. I think its so cool that he has twin daughters that are right around Logan's age. I've been to multiple concerts and will actually be going to another in October where I will see another favorite for the first time ever. Ben Harper. You have no idea how excited I am to see them both! Yes, I'm a DMB junkie! I'll try to convert you too, if you give me the chance!

10. Hmmm...last one. I was born August 9th, 5 weeks early, weighing in at 7lbs 12oz! 5 weeks early! Crazy, huh?

Monday, August 30, 2004

akward morning

I joined a new playgroup. Today was the first day. It meets every monday at different parks around Madison etc.
I'm pretty excited about it, and really hope to meet some moms with similar interests as I do.
As much as I LOVE being a stay at home mom and wouldn't trade it for the world, I also feel as I have completely lost the person I once was. Not on purpose, but because with my husband working so many hours, its nearly impossible to do things alone or without a toddler in tow. I'm really dying to start bring back some of the passions I once had and then also finding some new ones.
This morning was a rainy morning early, but it stopped. There is an alternate place that we will meet in the winter months, and rainy cold months. It appears that half the group went to the park, and the other half went to the inside play area.
We went to the inside area.
There were only 5 moms total, but there were 5 children from the ages of 2 1/2-4 plus a baby and an older child. Logan had a great time, and I'm hoping this will give him a chance to learn about sharing and other childrens feelings!
So, as the moms were all sitting on the little chairs talking and watching the kids play, the subject turned to my pregnancy. I'm not really one to talk about my pregnancy, especially to strangers, however, it wouldn't drop.
Two of the women went ON and ON about how great I planned the age spacing between these children. How lucky I was to have waited as long as I did for number 2 as Logan will be just the perfect age for a sibling.
One of the moms also said I was so lucky, as she was one of the UNLUCKY ones who experienced a surprise pregnancy when her daughter just turned one. Life was way too difficult with 2 that close in age.
Well, of course it made me think of my angel. The one we tried to conceive when Logan was a mere 9 months old. We knew it would be difficult, but we didn't care!
As we now know we're having a boy, it really makes me wonder what sex that child was. Would it have been another boy, or was it my daughter I'll never have? I always thought it was a girl, but...then again...I thought THIS baby was a girl too, and I was TOTALLY wrong about that! That baby would have been about 15 months old right now. We would have celebrated a birthday already.
I usually try not to think that way, and I know the women were only talking because they obviously have never experienced infertility. And from the sounds of it, never a loss either. Its not their fault they don't get it.
I guess, one thing positive that infertility did for me was made me realize that the world runs different courses for everyone. Right or wrong, its just the way life is. The course of life these women had were great fertility. But that doesn't mean that they haven't had financial struggles, health struggles, family struggles or anything else like that. They most likely have! I'll probably put my foot in my mouth someday regarding some struggle they have encountered because I just don't understand.
It opened my eyes a bit.
What did I say when these women were going on and on?
Well, I just nodded and said, 'its funny how things turn out' and left it at that.
I'm going to continue this playgroup and hopefully it will turn out the way I'm hoping.
Good friends for me and Logan and a place to go where we both look forward to going every week.
On a different note, I'm 22 weeks now (I turned on Saturday)
Logan got to feel a kick on the outside of my belly on Sunday. It was great! He was excited and I think it made it even more real to him!
He is going to be a great big brother! :)

Thursday, August 26, 2004

21w4d belly shot! (click here)

I am HUGE! (and TOTALLY loving it!)
Dare I say I have the pregnant waddle already! :)
Remember, I'm measuring LARGE for dates! hee hee!
Sorry about the bad picture, next one I'll have Dave take so you can see it better!

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

On parenting and pregnancy

I might sound a little whiny in this post, so friends, please choose if you want to read this or not. I will not be offended.

Those of you who know me know that I have a little boy. He will be 3 in less then 3 months. He has been just the sweetest, well behaved boy I have honestly met. I was a preschool teacher, and I've met a lot of 2-3 yr olds. He listens, follows directions, knows his limits, doesn't push them (for the most part) and honestly, parenting him has been pretty easy! (again...for the most part)
We get compliments on how well behaved his is in public all the time by complete strangers. People offer to watch him because he's so easy to entertain.
Does it sound like I'm tooting my son's horn? Well, yes, maybe...but the tooting is about to stop.
You see, apparently the so called, 'terrible two's' that I THOUGHT had magically passed right on by our house remembered they missed us and are here in full force now.
Tonight, my sweet angelic little boy became the devil! And it breaks my heart to say such a thing about my son!
He had THEE biggest longest temper tantrum he has EVER had in his life. It was while he was in the tub, getting ready to get out. It was also at my MIL's house, who doesn't have a non skid mat in her tub. It was NOT a safe temper tantrum. And here I am 21.5 weeks pregnant trying to pull a 35 lb kicking, screaming, crying, hitting, yelling 2 yr old out of a slippery wet tub alone praying to GOD neither of us wound up falling and hurting ourselves. When I finally DID get him out, it was still horrific. I tried everything, I tried ignoring him...he screamed louder. (I would have left the room, but he was dripping wet and naked. I had to get him dried and dressed) I tried calmly telling him that this was NOT OK, and that he was making mommy sad and hurting my ears. He cried harder and louder. I tried raising my voice and all that did was make HIS voice louder. I didn't know what to do, and I felt I was at the end of the rope. I would have felt better about my choices if I didn't feel like I had a MIL and FIL listening in the other room to see how I would handle this huge outbreak. Finally, Daddy came in and very sternly said, "LOGAN!" and Logan instantly stopped crying. (why do daddy's seem to have that voice that works) I proceeded to explain to him very calmly, but sternly that unfortunatly because of the way he was acting, we would not be doing our nightly routine of reading 3 books together in his bed before bedtime. And secondly, if he didn't immediatly stop crying he would lose his pacifier for the entire night too.
Well! That was the magic word....he said, with a quivering voice..."I'm fine now. I'm sorry"
Now, the night went on, more tears, no more screams or yelling though. And a very nice talk where I explained exactly why we were not going to read 3 books, and how it made everyone sad. But sometimes when people do things that are naughty, things have to happen. This time it was his books. He was just sad that his choices created consequences that he didn't like. Heck, I don't blame him. I didn't like the consequences either. Book time in bed is my favorite part of the day.
So, fast forward until after we put him to bed (without tears by the way. I was impressed that it all sunk in and he DID understand what he did was wrong. I also got one of the biggest hugs tonight, in spite of the whole situation that happened just 30 minutes before. (I just have to say that I think the best kind of parenting is talking to your child. Not yelling or hitting. I think it is SO much more effective...sorry! What I think about parenting may not be important to you! back to the story...)
Anyway, I'm sitting here really concerned about what life will be like when this baby is born. Here I was SO naive to think that we DID skip the terrible twos. I thought it was going to be SO perfect having a baby in the house because Logan would 'get it', and would be old enough to understand more etc....when in reality, it will most likely be the hardest time of my life.
Not only was I literally almost in tears. Like, to the point I was holding them in so I could get out of MIL's house without her seeing me cry. But, that was after a full nights sleep. What is going to happen when I'm only getting a couple of hours of sleep each night. Trying to hopefully sucessfully learn to breast feed this time. Trying to bond with a new baby as well as build a bigger bond with my firstborn. And hopefully watch THEIR bond forming.
Trying to run a family. Do laundry, cook (because unlike when Logan was born and it didn't matter what hours of the day meal times were for me and Dave...Logan WILL need lunch/supper/dinner at the correct times.)
How will Logan react, and how will I have the energy to go on when his reactions cause more exhaustion. How will I make Logan understand that this baby is NOT taking his place.
I'm so exhausted from just this 20 min tantrum, it makes me so nervous (dare I say a bit scared) about parenting 2 children.
**Edited to add, after a nice hour long veg on couch in a quiet household with a peaceful sleeping child tucked away happily in bed I'm feeling much better about everything. I guess at this age, its bound to happen, right? Here's hoping he gets it out of his system before January**

Monday, August 23, 2004

New name, new look...

Still not 100% sold, as I just did this in like 2 minutes, but what do you think? Too dark?
I'm a bit bummed I lost my saved blogs that I read! So, I'm going to need some help again...Christine, Stephanie?? I'll email you guys later to see if you can help.
What do you think of the name?
Welcome to my new home! :)

Friday, August 20, 2004

The time has come

and I know I've asked before, but I'm BEGGING all you readers and non posters to help me out here! Along with my regular posters! (gotta love em!)

I'm changing the name of the blog! Since I put a counter on my site, I've noticed a LOT of people come to this site after doing a google or yahoo search for 'secondary infertility'. And while that will always be a part of this blog, I don't want to hurt anyone by stumbling upon it unwillingly and seeing a pregnant woman.

SO! Its time for a FUN change! A fun new name!
About a year ago, we got rid of our cats. I am allergic, and it was getting too hard to just live with it anymore. They were both male cats. Arlo and Barley. They sweetest cats too! We gave them to a college student who was a big time 'granola girl' (which Dave and I used to totally be, so it felt right!) The point of that is we had 2 male cats.
Dave and I got married, and I was outnumber 3:1 by the male species! :)
When Logan was born, it was kindof funny to be outnumbered 4:1.
Now, we're having ANOTHER boy!
What does that tell you? I'm MEANT to be the queen of this household! I'm not sharing it with any other females, it seems until one of my boys decides in many many years to get married.
So, that is what I want the name of this blog to address.

HELP me! Help me think of something cute! Something fun, and something original!

Who's creative? Come on now, you're not going to make me beg, are you? Oh wait...too late! ;)

So sad for my online buddy...

My friend, her name is Rachelle. Some of you know her from TTCAL. She could really use some support right now I think (those of you who know her)
She has been going through primary infertility for SO long now. Over 2 yrs I believe. :(
She had such high hopes (as did we all) for her first IVF, but unfortunatly couldn't even go to egg transfer as none of her eggs fertilized.
But this 2nd IVF was SO much better! She had FANTASTIC results, and transferred 2 beautiful embryo's. One 10 cell and one 7 cell.
She got her results today. Negative.
I'm so sad for her.
If anyone deserves a baby, its Rachelle. She actually DESERVES a baby! She is so kind and caring and sweet and when we talk on the phone, it is like talking to a person I've known forever!
She is so positive when everyone else gets their positives, and is always everyones cheerleader. But, when is it going to be HER turn?
Rachelle, if you are reading this, I'd give anything to be able to do something to help you along this journey.
I don't know the heartache you are going through, especially after your two IVF's.
I love you, and I pray for you each day...and I'm so sorry...

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Back from the ultrasound!

And let me tell you, we had the BEST tech! She was so nice, gave us a bunch of pictures and just had a good time with us!
The 'baby' is weighing in at 14 oz! :)
They didn't (or couldn't) get length, so we don't know that.
There seems to be no cyst growing in baby's brain, which is a relief. Although, there wasn't one yet at Logan's 20 week u/s either, but hey..its still a relief.
Unfortunatly, my doc lead me to believe that we'd know if there were any soft markers for downs on this u/s, but the tech said they don't do that at all. If we needed that we'd have to go to a peri.
She told me at the end that I should call my doctor to request that. She then said, 'im not saying anything is wrong, but if you got the results you did, it might be worth it.'
I called my doctor and my nurse talked to him and he said he would rather just wait and read the reports himself before we made that decision.
I'm not going to read into what the tech said at all, and just wait for my doctor to read the results and go from there.
Dave and I were just so excited this morning. We were laughing and joking and just couldn't wait to hear the results.
You see...
all along I've said I wanted 2 boys. I really think it would be fun in a few years to see the boys out playing with Daddy...etc...and seeing we ONLY are having 2 children (for SURE!) I'd be super estatic either way. Plus, if it was a boy, we'd be SO set on LOTS of things, and wouldn't have to go spend an arm and a leg on new things.
I really enjoy being a mom of a boy...SO MUCH that I don't think I'd know what to DO with a girl!Right?
But, as the weeks went on, I've been really feeling its a girl. Things were totally different this time than last time with Logan...cravings, etc. Heartrate was always in the 160's.
I just had a FEELING it was a girl. I had a FEELING with Logan that it was a boy, and it never waivered, so I was positive this was a girl too based on my feeling.
As I thought that, I also started thinking about things that I never thought about before. Proms, Weddings, going out at age 7 just to get our nails done. Shopping, having someone to scrapbook with etc....So, I decided that maybe I really DID want a girl, and I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
So...she asked if we wanted to know the sex, and we said YES!

We are expecting a bouncing baby BOY!

I was SO wrong! Dave wasn't positive but was leaning on the boy side, so he was right this time, and I was completely wrong. They whole pregnancy with Logan he was positive it was a girl!
Of course, we are just estatic!!
But, without sounding TOO horrible, and I apologize if I do, a part of me is a little sad that I won't experience pig tails, mary-janes, proms, fingernail get the picture! I could go on and on, but I think you understand. Hopefully one of our siblings will have a daughter some day and I swear, I'll be the coolest aunt! :)
But, that said, we can't WAIT to do all the boy things in life! Camping, fishing (well, they will fish, their vegetarian mommy will sit back and read a good book), football?, Hey! I can always have some mommy time while the 3 guys watch Sunday football, right? Or heck! I'll just have to learn about football!
PLUS, while I may be a scardy cat of spiders and worms and bugs, I'm a good tomboy! AND I'll have 3 handsome guys to scare the bugs away! :)
And can you imagine mothers day with 2 boys! I just can't wait!
While things turned out differently then I had expected, we are so SO happy!!

Monday, August 16, 2004

P.T. and prayer request!

Today was my big Physical Therapy appointment. The Therapist seemed very nice, a big man who didn't really say much at first. Until he asked about my previous pregnancies. I told him this was my third pregnancy and that I have one child who is almost 3. He has twins who are almost 3, so that was fun. It turns out that he thinks this is purely muscular, and thinks that I will be able to get this turned around fairly easy. I'm glad he thinks so, because I've seriously been invisioning my life as someone who might wind up in a wheel chair. No lie. Its been so bad, and it literally feels as if there is a knife in my ass and if I move the wrong way, or step too fast it slices me.
He gave me some stretches that I am to religiously do, and I am going back in 2 weeks. Unfortunatly he said that I have a fine threshold, and that if I cross it, I will be in severe pain afterwards, so until we know exactly what that threshold is, we just have to play it by ear. I'm thinking its not too big, seeing I've done barely a thing and I can hardly step with my left leg. I HAVE to go to the grocery store too this afternoon, so I hope I make it through, and that LOGAN makes it through without too much drama.
Tomorrow is my u/s. PLEASE pray that there are no soft markers for downs. Like I said, I feel much better about the odds, even though they are much lower than they SHOULD be by age. But of course, it STILL is a bit stressful. Plus, I'd really rather not have an amnio...really.
Also, if you could say a prayer...I'm so nervous that this baby will have the same brain cyst that Logan has. I'm quite sure he/she WON'T, but of course, if you have a child with any birth defects/problems, you will stress with your 2nd child as well.
I'm going to grab a bit of sugar ( excuse for a candy bar! I seriously haven't had one this whole pregnancy!) so hopefully this baby will be WIDE awake and ready to show off the 'goods' so I can come back and share that wonderful bit of news with you all! :)
Christine (My house) has started doing 100 things about herself on her blog. I've also seen a few other bloggers doing this recently too! I think its a great idea, and I might just have to start myself! Although, I'm not sure I have 100 things that anyone would think is intersting, it might be good to go through my life bit by bit to go back through memories!
Maybe I'll do 1-2 a post until I reach 100! I'll start tomorrow! :)

Friday, August 13, 2004

Perfect Eggs, every time!

While wandering through a store the other day, they had a TV airing infomercials for products they were selling.
As I walked by, the funniest thing was being adverstised. I wasn't watching, but couldn't help hearing the add.
There was a man, with a very chipper voice (as infomertial salesmen usually do) and he was talking about eggs. How sometimes eggs come out damaged, broken, and many times completely unusable. This product he was selling GUARANTEED a "perfect egg, each and every time"
I'm sure you realize that he was indeed talking about HARD BOILED eggs...not the eggs that I was thinking about! I couldn't hold in the laughter anymore.
Now, what are the makers of this contraption thinking?
They are making a product that people are using in $0.80 a dozen eggs. Why on earth are they not making a contraption that can 'guarantee a perfect egg each and every time' for human eggs? Think about it. If they are selling this device for cheap old eggs, chances are it is a very cheap product. Now, by the time a woman facing infertility finds out it is her eggs that are the problem, she would do just about anything to fix it, trust me, I know!! Including many expensive alternatives. IVF alone can cost upwards of $20,000!
Here I was daydreaming about how perfect it could be. A device that could make our eggs not 'damaged, broken, or many times unusable.'
A girl can dream, right?
On a different note, I was a huge dumbass today! While I think I am not so big yet for (yeah! 20 weeks tomorrow) I apparently am.
While outside this morning playing in the back yard with Logan I was deciding what to have for lunch. It was then that I saw quite a few yummy grape tomatos staring at my from my vegetable garden. As I got closer, I noticed a cucumber, a green pepper and also many many carrots all ready to eat. I was so excited to make a big salad that I couldn't wait to get the veggies out.
My veggie garden is surrounded by chicken wire because this year we have a million rabbits. So, on one corner, I can open it up and go in. Did I DO that? Of course not, that is the easy way! Instead, I walked to the other side, and tried to lift my leg to climb in. However, my leg couldn't get up all the way due to my stomach sticking out too far, and by the time I realized that my foot was already sortof stuck IN the fence. There was nothing I could do and I twisted around and feel IN the garden FLAT on my ass...HARD! Logan comes over and said, "mommy! I think you did a summer sault!" And, with tears in my eyes, I said, "ta-da! Mommy DID do a summer sault! How did I do?" I instantly felt...wet...and so we gathered my veggies and brought them in. I started feeling a pain on my side, so I called the doctor who said that I should be more concerned about my 'bottom' than my baby. That there was plenty of fluid to protect my baby, and to watch for bleeding or contractions. I DID have a few contractions about an hour after the fall, but they went away quickly. The pain is now, after 5 hrs starting to go away in my abdomen, but my sacro-illiac joints which were all ready bad are so SO sore right now. I almost can't walk.
That doesn't sit so well with Logan, so Dave just took him to the park so I could rest. I start my physical therapy on Monday, so hopefully the soreness will go away.
Guess what? Tomorrow, I am 20 weeks pregnant! Exacly half way to my due date! I can't tell you how happy I am to be at this point. There is no way I EVER thought I'd be 20 weeks pregnant again, so this is just a huge huge moment for me. I go in for my 'BIG ultrasound' on TUESDAY!
I'm finding out the sex. Any guesses? I can't wait to find out!

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

The case of the missing pacifier!

Before I became a parent, I thought I knew it all! I know many people are the same way. There are things that I just WOULDN'T do! No way, no how!
ONE of those things would be having my 2 1/2 ( he's 2 3/4's but we'll just say 2 1/2!!) year old son STILL sleeping with a pacifier. Although, I did save a little bit of my old way of thought. We NEVER called it a 'nook' or a 'binky' or whatever other names there are for it. It has ALWAYS been a pacifier. ALSO started at 14 months, he was only allowed to have it in his crib. Well, the crib turned into a toddler bed, and the toddler bed turned into a twin bed. I'm hoping there won't still be one when it turns into a college dorm bed, but hey...only time will tell.
Now, don't think I haven't thought about getting rid of this thing, because I have! MANY times! I get lectured by the grandma's many many times...and lord, if the great-grandma's knew, they'd go crazy.
The thing is, Logan is dearly attached. I also read that CONTINOUS use of a pacifier will not cause ANY dental problems until at least 5 yrs old. Logan ONLY uses it at naptime/bedtime.
Now, what would you tell your child if after you tell him its time to give the pacifier to a new baby he says, 'but mommy! My pacifier is my friend! It helps me dream!'
I CAN NOT take it away! I'm a sap!And that sentence I will never forget as long as I live.
So, tonight there was chaos.
The pacifier was MISSING! It was already past his bedtime, and we searched HIGH and LOW. Basically took the bed apart. Took the sheets off, lifted everything off his floor. It was..IS..not there!
We TRIED to get him to go down without it! In 15 minutes he was up 7 times begging to try to look for it again. Poor Dave has to go back to work and work all night, so he was trying to get an hour nap in before that, and poor Logan was devistated! We tried giving him a small flashlight to keep instead of the pacifier...nope! A special stuffed animal...nope! Raised our voices just a little bit...definetly NOPE!
So, what did I do? If I were talking to my pre-parent self, I'd be slapped!
I tucked Logan in bed with Daddy and ran to our local Walgreens at 8:30pm and bought not ONE but TWO pacifiers. One to lock away just in case this nonsence ever happens again!
Now, yes, I know you are supposed to sterilize those things first, but I didn't! Hot water and soap is all I did, so...i'm a bad mom! But tough times call for tough measures! ;)
I went into our bed and he asked in his little pipsqueak voice, 'did you find my pacifier?'
I showed him his new cool blue one, and got a HUGE hug and kiss and put him back into bed. That was 15 minutes ago. He is SOUND asleep already! Didn't make a peep.
That goes to show my pre-parent self that although I THOUGHT I knew everything, a good nights sleep is WAY more important than my 'pacifier principles'!
Who am I to take away his friend, and dream companion?

Sunday, August 08, 2004

There's no denying it...

This is DEFINETLY baby I feel rolling around in there.
I smile in awe every time I feel it. You'd think I'd remember what I felt when Logan first started moving, but in all honestly, I didn't exactly remember what it felt like! Its such an amazing feeling!
Its like I've entered a new stage of this pregnancy. One filled with hope!
The thing about pregnancy, especially pregnancy after loss and or infertility, is that until you KNOW you're feeling movement, you have NO idea that everything is OK.
I am 19 weeks 1 day pregnant today. That is almost half way to my due date. For the whole first half of this pregnancy, every single day I would think that this pregnancy wouldn't hold and that everything would come crashing down. I hate to say that because it sounds so negative. It sounds as though I didn't let myself enjoy this pregnancy like I did with Logan. Or that maybe I am not greatful enough for every day that I have been pregnant.
That couldn't be farther from the truth. In reality. I've been and felt blessed every single day! When my belly started swelling, I couldn't have been happier! Now that I am already huge (remember, measuring BIG even for dates) I couldn't be happier when I see someone looking at my tummy in public. I went to a movie with Dave last night, and I just sat holding Daves hand over my tummy. While he couldn't feel the movements that I felt yet, I know any day he'll be able to.
I know exactly how blessed I am.
The thing IS though, I think that now that I'm feeling movement that I will begin to see things in a different light! Don't get me wrong, I KNOW that I still have a chance of many bad things happening, but I can't dwell on that anymore.
I FEEL this baby moving! How can I ignore that? I sit down, and feel a little kick or roll, and instantly my day has changed! Thoughts start creeping in my head about what life will be like in 4 1/2 months.
Right now, I can honestly say I really going to type this....I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY!
And, God forbid something happens, I'm so glad that I'm finally at this point right now where I really CAN see that good things will come of this! This pregnancy was SO long coming! We tried for what seemed like forever, and dammit! I'm FINALLY accepting it!
No longer will I think or say to my husband, 'do you feel like everything will work out for this one? because I don't feel that yet'
I feel like a different person. A happier, more positive person.
That said...I'm thinking its time to rename my blog. You see, when I started this blog, I was suffering from secondary infertility. I will always struggle with secondary infertility, and it will always be a part of me.
However, I'm trying to see the bright light put in front of me. What do you think? Is it time? What I would really hate is for people to see the link to my blog from other's blogs, and that person be suffering with secondary infertility only to show up and see I'm half way through this pregnancy.
However, letting go of the name is kindof a hard thing too! Its what was created by me, only to change?
I REALLY need your imput here! If you are reading this, give me your thoughts please. Along with your thoughts, if you have any cool ideas on a new name that would go good with my blog, fire away! If I choose you, you will get cake! hee hee! I promise! ;o)

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Walking aimlessly through the grocery store...

grabbing things that made no sense to grab. I spent almost $50 and got a bunch of NOTHING.
All that I could think about, and still think about was my doctors appt today.
Lets go to the good news first. Heartrate is in the 160's still. I FINALLY had my first pap of the pregnancy. Everything seemed fine, despite my anxiety of Dr. Ty (or so we'll call him...after Ty Davis, his look-alike!) doing a pap.
We talked a bit about my itching, and he gave me some warning signs to look for (yellow eyes, upper right abdominal pain...) and told me to take benedryl.
He gave me a 'perscription' for physical therapy for my sacro illiac joints, and we also made my U/S appt for 2 weeks.
All in all a good appt, right?
Then, we went over my Triple Screen results.
2 of them were FANTASTIC! Now, I don't remember what my exact risk was supposed to be for them, I believe for the Trisomy and Spinal Bifida (right?) it was something like 1:1000 from my age (I could be TOTALLY wrong with that number) but it jumped up DRAMATICALLY to 1:10,000 for both of them! Great, huh? downs syndrome WAS at 1:1100(or was it 1,400) just by my age group (I think!) and after the blood test, it was dropped to 1:350.
STILL! I KNOW that is good...but that is what the average result is by age of a 35 yr old. Then I get thinking about me and my bad eggs, and if my bad eggs could cause something like this. It is the eggs responsibility I believe that causes downs.
He then checked my uterus and saw that I was measuring large for dates(I didn't ask how large), and said that COULD be a soft marker. He started talking about doing an amnio if that is what I wanted, but to realize there are real risks to doing those also. He said that they would be able to look for a couple 'soft markers' in my u/s, but that they probably would be inconclusive. But we decided to wait until we do the u/s to see what that brings before we make any decisions on an amnio.
Now, again, I KNOW that 1:350 is still REALLY REALLY good odds this pregnancy will not result in a downs baby. But, when it dropped SO dramatically, its scary!
I have a headache from worrying about it all, and I feel sortof like I'm walking in a fog.(that COULD be from the couple hrs of sleep I had due to Dave having to work in the middle of the night in the 'office' which is right next to our room...Logan hearing him, and waking up, and then daves phone ringing at 5:00am) I have to go do some research (bad me!) and see what I could be looking at.
Oh, and I'm spotting after the pap. Normal too, I know, but none the less, irritating, and not something you want to see.
So, on my way home I stopped to get a big sub (veggie! healthy right? with all the cheese..hee hee) and TWO chocolate chip cookies!
Me and my frazzled mind deserved it today.
Whats everyones experience with an amnio?
What would you think in this situation. Realistically, not just to calm the crazy pregnant woman down...please!

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Could it have been?

I felt a little..'knock knock' today in my tummy!
I'm not POSITIVE of course that it was the baby, COULD have been! Right? Its the first time that I have thought, 'could it have been?'
Oy! If you only knew the thoughts I've been having lately. Its literally a damn good thing I have that appt tomorrow morning, or I would be going crazy. This little knocking is like a glimmer of hope that maybe everything IS OK in there!
I'll update tomorrow after my appt. 9am. Oh, and I'm still itching like a crazy woman!

Monday, August 02, 2004

With a itch itch here, and an itch itch there...

here a itch, there a itch, everywhere a itch itch...
Well, its sortof been a weekend from hell.
I've been SICK! In bed all weekend. I think that I may have overdone helping my parents move on Thursday and Friday. Saturday I woke up with a migraine from hell. It lasted all day (vomiting included) and all day sunday...all night sunday. I threw up a bunch of times, and that is the only way I would get out of bed. ANY light was too much light. I was lucky it was the weekend because I don't know what I would have done had Dave not been home to watch Logan!
I didn't get to help my parents at all this weekend, and now little Logan is sick AGAIN! This time with a major head cold! The poor little man can't catch a break!
But the strange thing is, while my headache, on a scale of 1-10 is about a 2 (MUCH better than yesterday) I am itching like CRAZY! My arms, legs, back, name it, it itches! NO rash though, just plain old itchy! I'm extrememly sleepy though too, so it is sortof a good time for Logan to be sick. We layed in my bed ALLLL morning reading books and watching PBS kids. (yes, I know next week I'll be complaining about MY head cold! heehee)
I'm having Dave pick up some oatmeal bath and calemine lotion on his way home hoping that helps. Ever see the friends episode where Phoebe and her boyfriend duct taped pot holders to their hands to stop the itchies of the chicken pox(I think)...I'm almost there!
What strange symptom is this??
I have my next appt on Wednesday.
It will be relieving to hear the heartbeat. I wish I would have rented one of those doppler things a long time ago. Now, I think its just too late. I swear, it would have put me at ease SO many times by now!
OH! Good news! My triple screen came back 'within normal limits'. I find out the exact odds on Wednesday, but within normal limits is enough for me!
Hope you're all doing well!