Who will he become?

This morning, as I dropped Logan off at school, things were different.
The problem with having Logan go to a preschool inside of a daycare is that when school is out, the school agers are there. This hasn't happened yet seeing Logan only goes tues-thursday mornings for 2 hrs, but today we walked into a group of very tall, very loud, very rowdy boys.
And there is my sweet little Logan overwhelmed.
The line leader yelled at Logan for standing in front of him (which when you're 6 or 7 being the LINE leader is like being president for the day! Logan on the other hand wanted to stand there so that he could wave to me as I was walking down the hall.)
Then, as I was putting Miles back into the car, I saw the class go outside to play. They usually do circle time and art right away, but seeing the big kids were there I figured that the teacher just wanted them to run out their energy first thing.
I sat in my van and watched for a minute or two and left in tears. All the kids BURST out the doors and headed for the playground equiptment and started laughing and yelling and playing.
My Logan, he stood on the patio by the teachers. He picked up a rock and showed the teacher the rock. He kicked the rock a bit with his foot. He had no other children around him to play with, and he didn't initiate any play. I backed up watching him playing with a rock. All the kids were having fun and he was playing with a rock.
It made me sad, and made me wonder what he will be like when HE is one of the big kids.
Logan is not shy...to us. Logan IS shy to others for awhile but when he gets to know you he instantly will be your friend forever! He gets along with bigger people better than kids his age. He's very brillant, if I do say so myself. He's always been smart when it comes to knowledge, but very slow when it comes to physical play. He knew all his letters by 15 months, the same age that he took his first steps.
He knows more spanish than I do, and has the memory unlike anyone I know.
We got an email easter card that has a rabbit dancing type of a song. We got the same one last Easter. He thought it was fun then so we watched it a bunch of times over a week long period before I deleted it. This year when we got it, he said, "we've seen this one before!" And he knew the words and beat.
He remembers people, places, farm equiptment (yes, we live in farm land)
When we read him a story, if we miss a word or forget to add an 's' at the end of a word, he notices and lets us know we did it wrong. 2 weeks ago I realized he knew how to write every single letter, and I never taught him. He wrote 'Logan' "mommy' 'daddy' and 'miles'. I was shocked! (i told him how to spell all but his name)
He doesn't do the typical running on the playground at the park. He takes his time, is very slow at the stairs and is very calm. I don't think I'll be one of those parents taking their children to the hospital with a broken arm from falling off the slide. He always puts 2 feet in front and never would think about going head first. He's very calm. I'd absolutely never have to worry about him running off in the mall or the grocery store. He would NEVER step in the street without holding my hand. He's been a VERY easy child to parent.
So while WE love his little quirks, and I'm sure the teachers will, what about the kids. I'm afraid Logan is going to be one of those children the others find 'different'. I was a kinder assistant teacher while pregnant with Logan and we had two of these types of boys in my class. Two. They were best friends. What if Logan doesn't have anyone else like him?
I see amazing potential in him. I think he will do great things. We were listening to some Ben Harper yesterday and the song, 'my own two hands' was on. (anyone know it?)
He sang the lyrics all day. Here are some of them...
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I can change the world
With my own two hands
Make a better place
With my own two hands
Make a kinder place
Oh- with my
Oh- with my own two hands

I can make peace on earth
With my own two hands
I can clean up the earth
Oh- with my own two hands
I can reach out to you
Oh- with my own two hands

I'm gonna make it a brighter place
With my own
I'm gonna make it a safer place
With my own
I'm gonna help the human race
With my own
With my own two hands

Now I can hold you
With my own two hands
And I can comfort you
With my own two hands
But you got to use
Use your own two hands
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Its strange what we think the future of our children will bring when they are so young. Of course being a mother, Logan's mother, I can see that he could change the world...a small part of the world at least. In fact, he already has to those who know him. I'm just fearful the the world might change him.

I'm not really sure what I wanted to get out of this post...but you now know a little more about my first born...

Ewww...keep on looking!

To the person who found my blog by searching,
"beautiful boobs,bellies and belly button pics"
Trust me, I've had 2 kids...I don't have beautiful BOOBS.
Again...I've had 2 kids...don't think you'll find too much beautiful about my BELLY either...
And third, BELLY BUTTON pics? Now, thats just gross!
Sorry I couldn't help you find what you were looking for...but I hope the world wide web helped you on your {perverted} hunt!

I must say to you, dear readers...

You are the BEST!
Do you know how afraid I was to push 'publish'?
I figured I'd get nothing but, "you ungreatful S.O.B.", but you guys gave me exactly what I needed, support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I agree when you all said you think that this is more stressful due to lack of sleep. You're right on the money. The other thing is of course the sickness that has infested our lives.
My poor baby went back to the doc of Friday because the doc said that if he wasn't dramatically better by friday he needed to see him before the weekend. Well, he was worse.
It seems the pneumonia got better but broncholitis came instead. (chest X-Ray told us this) This is an infection in the small air ways to the lungs. It can be serious in babies because the tubes are so tiny to begin with.
I had to start him on some asthma meds (albuterol, syrup) and call back that afternoon to give an update.
While he did seem to be breathing better while sleeping, as soon as he woke up and started coughing he struggled. By the time I got him back, his nose started running like a faucet.
My babe had pneumonia (still treating it with antibiotics), broncholitis, and now an upper respitory tract infection.
We were sent home with a nebulizer and the instructions to high-tail it to the ER if we felt he couldn't breath well.
LUCKILY today I think he's taking a turn for the better.
Still hacking out a lung, still runny nose, but the WHEEZING isn't nearly as bad!
Yay for his little immune system, huh?
And yay for his parents who kept their cool one more time with another illness!
Sweet hubby-o-mine stayed up with Miles while I went to bed at 8:30. He got up with him at 1:00, I got up with him at 3:00, Dave got up with him at 4:00, and I got up for good with him at 6:00.
So, 8:30-6:00...about 8 1/2 hrs. Funny thing is is my body was SO much more tired this morning than it is usually after its 4hrs of sleep!
But, I'm so happy I got some sleep.
I know it will get better, and I know in time I'll look back and be OH so happy we're only having 2 children right! hee hee! Oh wait, I can already do that one!
Thank you for your support, and those who emailed, I promise I'll email back after the weekend. I have our parents coming over for breakfast tomorrow to watch the boys hunt for their baskets and eggs. How many do you think Miles will find! ;)
Off to clean!
Happy Easter to all!

Taking off the rose colored glasses

I really really could use some support right now...parents or not.

We prayed, used medical intervention, prayed more, socked away lots of money, gave it our all to have a second baby.
Our prayers were answered, and a natural cycle even...right before our first IVF.
Pregnancy was basically great until the very end...
Our baby was healthy and beautiful right from birth.
We had already done a bang-up job if I do say so myself with baby number 1, so baby number 2 would be even easier, right?
But you see people, baby number 2 has not been easier. NOTHING about bay number two is easy.
At first I attributed his sense of grumpyness to the lack of good living conditions at the end of my pregnancy. I felt he needed to play a little catch up. It was an excuse that worked in my mind for awhile.
Now, at 11 1/2 weeks old, I'm wondering if he's ever going to enjoy life, or as horrible as this sounds, if WE'RE ever going to enjoy life again.
If Miles is awake, he's usually crying. All those great baby products (swings...bouncy seats...etc...) all just a waste of time and effort because if Miles is awake he must be in your arms. Oh! and if he falls asleep and you put him down I'd bet my house that he wakes up within minutes to start crying again. So, literally he's in my arms ALL day unless for some reason the Gods are smiling down on me and he sleeps in his carseat. Even then, I have to be right there to rock it should he start to wake up. Then comes evening when Dad should take over. Logan's in bed between 7:30-8:00 and that is Mile's grumpy time...funny that I say its his time as if he isn't grumpy all day. Unfortunatly, I am the only pair of arms that do the job well enough, so yes, Miles is in my arms all evening too (sleeping) until his last bottle before we go to bed. Again, its funny I say 'go to bed' because I literally dread this time of day the most. I'd rather deep clean the bathroom then lay my head down on my pillow. As soon as my body accepts that it really is going to get some rest, who senses that and starts crying? You guessed it! So then it is at least an hour or more before I can feed/change/get him back to sleep. Yes, Dave does take turns. He's definetly a hands on dad. He probably does MORE than I do in fact. The only problem is that he doesn't wake up to Miles. Its not like I can really make myself sleep hard because then I have to wake up Dave to go feed Miles and sometimes its just not worth it to me to wake him up knowing I'm awake anyway.
So, take last night for example.
I stayed up while Dave went to bed around 9:30. I fed Miles at 10pm and finally got to bed at 11pm. Miles woke up to eat at 12:30am. Dave did this feeding. I still had to wake up Dave and wound up getting up to check on Logan to make sure he was covered etc...then my mind started going, and well, I just can't turn it off sometimes. He woke up again at 2:45 to eat...I did that feeding. I was up until 4:15 because his breathing was so labored (from the pneumonia) that I was too worried to put him down and leave him. 4:15 I get back to bed and Miles wakes back up at 5:45 to eat. We both got up at this one. So, while it looks as though I got 5 1/2 hrs of sleep, it was over the course of 7 hrs, and it doesn't include the times I was awake waking up Dave and then thinking about how I'm never going to get a full nights sleep again in my life.
No one wants to watch Miles to give me a break because they're all afraid that he'll cry the whole time. Another reason is that they want to give Logan some single attention, which is great, but Miles is sure getting the raw end of the deal with his extended family. By this time with Logan, he was spending the night with his grandparents (who live 6 blocks away) and Miles hasn't been even close to that point yet.
The plague that has filled my house ever since the birth of this baby is just to the breaking point people. I can't take anymore. Dave woke up with the head cold that I have. That means we are all sick. 2 with colds, 2 with pnemonia.
I can't DO it all anymore.
I told Dave that until yesterday I just told myself to keep rowing the big boat and I would make it through this. It worked, until yesterday. Yesterday was the day that I started feeling like my boat is filling up with water and I just can't make it stop.
The sad thing is, Dave agreed.
I don't EVER get a break. And I'm not talking about running to the grocery store with only one child...I mean a B.R.E.A.K. One where I can put my feet up and drink some tea and read a cheesy magazine. I'm talking one where I can scrapbook a day and try to remember it with a smile. SOMETIMES Logan goes to a Grandparents house for a couple hours to give me a break, but really, it isn't too much of a break at all because I still have a baby in my arms! (even the sling people...the thing is I want my BODY to not have 14 lbs hanging off it for one hour, ONE hour!)
**I must add that while I feel this way on the inside, I have never once let my children see or know how I'm really feeling. I do a really good job of being over cheerful and can quote just about any Barney song needed at a time of a crisis! ;)**I look back at the last 11 weeks and have a really hard time thinking of a single occasion that made me smile. Isn't that awful?
The thing is, is that I've not had the time or the moment to really get to KNOW this baby boy. If by chance he IS happy and smiling etc...Logan needs attention. I can't tell Logan to just go play alone so mommy can play with Miles. If someone takes Logan for an hour or two, I pray that Miles naps so that I can get some laundry done or unload the dishwasher. (remember, Miles pukes about EVERY feed so laundry adds up)
So, this is most probably the reason I decided in the middle of my 'career' that I wanted a new career. I wanted OUT! I wanted to go to a place where there are adults to talk to...water bottle gossip...FRIENDS to talk to...orders given to me so that I have some responsibility other than laundry, dishes, supper, and an endless supply of diapers changes.
I'm really having a hard go at things, and finally I'm letting myself admit that while I love my baby boy more than I can ever express in words, his birth has really changed my world. Now, I realize that had Miles not have been born, we STILL would have been struck by the plague, but maybe I could have handled it better.
I feel as though I'm still giving it my all, but I'm feeling beaten. Defeated.
I'm wondering if I'll ever be a good mommy to two.
Being a mommy to one is a piece of cake! But two?
I'm hoping, PRAYING that Miles will start sleeping, and maybe having some REAL sleep unlike the last almost 3 months, I will be better able to cope.
Right now, I'm lucky if I get to eat during the day because its hard to eat with a baby in your arms. Popcorn is becoming my daily staple.
In two weeks, I will be left alone with both kids for 6 days as Dave (lucky SOB) has to travel for a business trip. The week after I believe, he is having his second surgery. You know what that means right? Probably 2 weeks straight of me being soley in charge of both boys, morning noon and night.
I must say, I'm really anxious about his week long trip. I can't imagine doing a 10pm-12:30am-2:45am-5:45am feeding and having the energy to be up and care for both boys for 6 days straight.
So, I guess I just had to come clean with you.
Motherhood these days isn't all its cracked up to be.
I long for a SINGLE day where I can keep the same outfit on all day. Find time to exercise without praying a child doesn't wake up during the middle of it, eat a real lunch...a REAL lunch without horsing it down or eating it cold. A day where I could take a nap if I wanted, or a BATH if I wanted. A day where Dave could come home from work and I had the time to stop everything and wrap my arms around him and tell him how much he means to me. A night where we could have dinner together and talk about our days without getting inturruped by "just one more bite mom! Dad, one more bite? Can I get down now? Can I be done? I don't like this"
One where we don't have to take shifts eating because Miles needs to eat/be comforted at that time. (Its always me who eats a cold supper)
An evening where Dave and I could open a bottle of wine and toast to our wonderful life we've shared so far. Dream about the next vacation we plan on taking. We could snuggle up on the couch, or in bed for that matter and do things that married people SHOULD do (we certainly don't have energy to think about that!)
I think it will happen some day, don't you?
I'm not ungreatful, and I may sound like it after all it took to complete our family, but who KNEW it was going to be THIS hard?
And if I DID know, would I have made the same choice?
And if its this hard NOW, will it ever be easier?
BTDT moms...please PLEASE help me!
I hope I didn't offend anyone, and if I did, know it wasn't on purpose...I'm just a bit broken at the moment.

Big Huge Thanks...

to all of you who took part in my 'copy-cat' survey!
It means so much to me to know that you people are interested in what I have to say to come back...I'm honored...thank you!
You see, my original goal was to email each and everyone of you to personally thank you, and I got started on that and...well...you'll never believe this. Or maybe you will.
Miles has pneumonia.
So right now my time is spent taking care of both of my boys who's coughs sound worse than the cough of a grown man. I'm constantly covered in puke from Miles, so bad that I've just stopped changing when it happens. I'm down to the wipe and go... I don't have time to do the multitude of laundry that it takes to be puke-free. I smell lovely, care to come over for some coffee?
Ahhh coffee, my best friend. Miles is now waking up every two hours instead of three.
Did I mention that I have the headcold from hell and can't be in a room without tissues?
I'll be honest and tell you that I feel like I'm drowning in this motherhood thing, but I know once everyone is healthy that I'll find my groove and fly with it. Until then, I'm feeling rather bad at my job...ah the joys!
But back to you...
Thank you Yvette, Denise, Kether, Amie, Dawnamarie, Hillary Marie, Jennie, Linda, Zoeesmommy, EB, Leonid Mamchenkov, Carrie, Melissa, Kari, Simone and Crista for reading my blog, for posting and for making me feel so very special.
I promise I'll be checking the new blog selections as soon as I'm not covered in puke or snot! ;)
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I wanted to share this link...my good friend Shelley is this awesome photographer. She just found her passion and went with it and is doing amazing work. She was asked to photograph the homecoming of troop 251 home from Iraq. She did such an awesome job. No matter how you feel about the war, seeing the soliders in these pictures embracing thier family for the first time in so long is enough to make at least me sob all the way through. I'm the proud daughter of a Vietnam Vet. My dad was drafted into the Marines and served in the jungles from 1969-1970. 1 month after he married my mom. His reunion was nothing like this (imagine getting off the bus and getting spit at in the face)
I'll warn you, it's a bit long, but if you have time watch it...it's amazing...
Shelley's Photography
Click on the bottom '251st unit click here'

So, don't let me make an ass out of myself...

I'm wanting to get to know you, my readers...I know some of you, but not all of you. Even those that I do know, I don't know all that much about you! (Plus, I'm just a big old copycat!)
Who saw this amazing number of replies on dear Tertia's blog?
643! I about died when I saw that!
Needless to say, I know I am no where near as whitty and smart (and of course as gorgeous or divine) as Miss Tertia, but MAYBE I could get 1% of her comments? What do you say? That's only 6 comments...lets blow that number out of the park! ooh! Dare I dream 2%?
Plus, you get to talk about yourself, EVERYONE likes to talk about themselves!
**I don't care if you do it anomously either!**
So, my dear friends tell me about yourself...
(Remember, I'm a big copycat ;) Thanks for the idea Tertia...(yes people, I did email Tertia asking for permission...)

1. What do we have in common, if anything?
2. How did you find my blog?
3. Do you comment? If yes, AWESOME! If no, how come?
4. Is there something particular about my blog that you like? If so, what? What makes you come back? (If you DO come back!)
5. What would you like me to talk more about?
6. What would you like me to talk LESS about?(its OK, go ahead and tell me!)
7. Locations! Where in the world are you reading? Whats the weather like today?
8. Which blog did you look at right before(or going to look at right after) mine? (a tricky way to get more blog selections!
9. Suggestions you'd like to offer? About anything! I'll take any and all assvice!
Does NOT have to be parenting related!

Get typing people! Can't wait to read the responses!! :)

First, thank you for the well wishes for Logan.
He's really not himself today. He's been on the couch most of the day watching movies snuggled in with his teddy bears. Luckily he has not have a fever, and he's been using the bathroom (although he's not drinking much at all) so those are good things.
He told me today he's 'sad of being sick'...I told him I was sad of him being sick too...:(
But he's such a trooper, and I have a feeling he'll be back to his boppin self by Monday!
The doc said the pnemonia was just a small case, so the anti-biotics should really help fast. Oh, and let me tell you what fun it is trying a 3 yr old to take medicine that is thick as a milkshake but not NEARLY as tasty! H-A-R-D I tell you!
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We got at leat 4 inches of snow last night and apparently there is 3-5 more coming this afternoon/evening...it sucks! Those of you in warm areas, send me some SUN!! Although, with the sick household, I guess I'm glad its still winter out!
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Anyone on the patch? I guess that sounds funny seeing most of my readers I'm sure are either TTC or pregnant, right? I'm starting it this sunday. I'm hoping it will not been as bad as the pill as in side effects...anyone, anyone?
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Carrie's gotta hard decision to make with her little bunny Lucky, anyone have any words of advice or just plain old good thoughts to give her?
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Thank you for the new blogroll additions. If anyone has any other suggestions, let me know! Its my goal to find some of my own to share with you all next! I already have a couple in mind, so recomendations soon to come.
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Leaving you with a picture...my sweet baby Miles...

Who knew this motherhood thing could be SO hard...(we now have some answers)

and I'm not talking lack of sleep here, I'm talking about my sweet Logan.
You all know what this little boy means to me.
He definetly owns my heart, no question...
His rash, well, it changed from a rash to brown dots all over his chest/arms/shoulders.
I tried to get him into the doctors, but he couldn't get in so I took him to urgent care (walk in type place)
The doctor was very concerned about the dots. She said they looked like Petechiae

She brought another doctor in to look and he agreed...must investigate.
First on the list of tests, Strep culture. I don't remember if I shared the day where Logan got a strep culture about 2 weeks ago and threw up all over the room/table/floor/DOCTOR etc....well, it was very tramatic. Logan, just thinking about it started vomiting and crying. (I don't blame him!)
We were unable to do the test because all of a sudden little red dots started forming around Logan's eyes.
The doctor said, "we need bloodwork NOW!"
By the time we got him ready for blood work, his entire face was covered in hundreds of little red dots. The doctor said that this could be a platelet problem and she was concerned about LEUKEMIA. I suprisingly held it together while praying to the ceiling that my sweet Logan be OK. He was so brave with the needle, cried silently until they stuck him where he started screaming. It was then that I started crying silently.
We sat in the waiting room while Logan colored with other kids. Some bitch moms kept their children away from the table...I know it was because of Logan's face. (And I know they are not bitch moms, just smart and cautious, but it really made me sad)
She called me in the room and had a nurse sit and color outside with Logan. She didn't want him to come back...and I was scared.
His platelets were normal, but on the low end of normal...normal none the less.
Thank God...
She told me she was going to call infectious disease to get help.
More prayers and more waiting brought us back to he room. We had to do the strep test. I begged the doctor to just give us antibiotics and skip the test, but she said we really needed an answer. It took two male nurses and me to hold him down and the doc got the test. It was heartbreaking...heartbreaking...
Next came two shots, one on each leg. An antibiotic just in case some bacterial infection was brewing...I again had to hold my sweet boy down and they did them at the same time. I didn't have one arm good enough apparently because he broke free screaming a scream I've never heard and lunged for one of the needles and knicked it. He's got a HUGE 'owie' now and can barely walk because of the muscle pain.
More red dots appear...
We then head for a chest x-ray which showed possible pnemonia.
After 4 hrs, no supper and lots of pain we head home(9:45) with instructions to see our doctor this morning. We were given a perscription for antibiotics and no further information.
Something is wrong with my baby, but I (and they) don't know what.
Here are a couple pictures I took this morning..bad pictures, but you can see the dots.

**It appears my son has Henoch-Schönlein PurpuraHe'll need to be watched closely for a few days, but THIS I can handle!**

The medical hell continues...

First, Logan...he has a rash head to toe.
ALL over!
Luckily it isn't bothering him. Doctor thinks (as they always do) that it's viral. Maybe Roseola. He's had roseola before and had a HIGH fever before the rash. He didn't have a fever before this rash so I doubt thats the case.
This is day 6, and more and more little bumps keep appearing. He's starting to cough, and is getting congested yet again! Great, another cold!
**edited to say that Logan is DOG sick today! Sore throat, coughing, stuffy nose, crying, not eating...SICK SICK SICK!**

Second, Miles
He had his vaccines yesterday. 3 shots, 5 vaccines. POOR baby!
Last night he was burning up so I took his temp.
Under the arm it was 101.9, so that really means 102.9. Almost 103!
Remember, 2 1/2 weeks ago we were sent to the ER with a 100.6 underarm, so I figured this would warrent a call to the nurse.
Just treat with tylenol and call back if it gets to 105!
This morning its still 101.6 :(

Next, Dave
When they took out his appendix they found a hernia. Did they FIX the hernia seeing they were in his belly anyway? NOPE! Why? They didn't have permission. I was right down the hall and would have been more than happy to give permission, but I was never asked (Not sure if they would have done it anyway)
Now, we went to the doctors last night for the 'big V' consult (we'll talk more about that later) and the doctor said he can't have his vasectomy until his hernia is repaired. SO ladies and gentlemen, what does THAT mean? Dave has to have another surgery. Luckily they'll do the hernia repair AND the vasectomy at the same time. Its actually lucky on Dave's part as they do the vasectomy without sedation, just a local. NOW he'll be sedated! Who wants a surgery on their you know what without sedation? Surely not something I'd want, so at least he'll have one positive side! That will be next month most likely. (which means more whining and moaning...god I'm a bitch!)

Me...
I have NOTHING to report!
USUALLY it is me with all the health problems but I am 100% healthy! Well, not 100% as I feel a head cold trying to make its way to the surface, but I keep pushing it away! I credit it to the flu shot I got for the first time this year. Maybe?
I've also been doing my exercise program except for 3 days when the whole Dave in hospital saga was going on. I just physically couldn't do it.
While the scale has only gone down one pound, my body fat percentage (which is sad to begin with) has dropped 4%! That's 5 lbs of FAT people!
I'm not seeing myself get SKINNY really, but I do see muscles! Especially in the arms and chest. I'd rather see them in the belly/butt/thighs, but I'm sure they'll get there!

So there you have it...next to come, discussions about the big V, and also about my going back to school post. I've come to a decision! I'll share with you next time!

Updating blogroll...need your help

Help me out!
What blogs (that I don't have on my roll) do you frequent regularly?
What about YOURS if I don't have it on mine?
I'm looking for some new reads, but look at lists like on Julie's sight and I'm just overwhelmed!
Doesn't have to be infertility/pregnancy/baby related!

Oh boy, the big topic came up last night...

WILL
You know, that thing where you must envision the horrible what if's...what if we die...where will our babies go?
How do people have that conversation without breaking down?
I was so happy yesterday. I got almost all the laundry done (which WHY am I sitting on the computer if I'm not done!), Dave organized all the finances/important things into the filing cabinent, Logan was being a prince! Miles was actually NOT crying! Can you believe it?
Then Dave brought it up...death. Or as he called it, 'getting hit by the green bus'.
What should we do?
Who's parents, if either should the boys go to?
What if we 'get hit by the green bus' and the both our parents get hit by that same green bus...then what?
Which aunt or uncle?
IF any?
Instantly my great mood fell and I couldn't help but cry.
I can't die...EVER! Not until both babies are married to women I like! (of course, right!) and I feel confident that they are safe and secure.
And yet, I understand the severity of NOT having a will.
Luckily our parents get along pretty well. Complete opposites though. My dad is a harley rider/daves dad is a suit/tie kind of guy.
But our moms are exactly the same.
Except mine has more health issues...
so, I guess that makes it easier...
No matter WHO gets custody, it will be like a joint custody thing.

But then there is the thought of your MIL raising your babies. You know there are things about her that don't mesh with what YOU would want your children to be raised like...
We need to just get this done so I don't have to think about it anymore.
I know that they will be well taken care of no matter WHERE they go family wise, but wherever they go won't be with ME...
And that is impossible to think of!

What do you do when...

...you spend your whole life thinking you are going to want to be an 'at home mom' forever, only to wake up one day with an uncontrollable urge to go back to school to get certified in something that really appeals to you.
How can you even make it OK in your head when your 9 week old baby is sleeping in your arms.
How do you decide what to do?
How do you know the choice you are making is the right choice?

How was you're weekend?

(Thursday, Dave stayed home with the flu..slept ALL day and all night when he wasn't making his frequent trips to the bathroom...Friday morning, MUCH better! Went to work...Friday night Dave went to bed at like 7pm with massive stomach pains...)
Saturday...
4:30am-Was that just my alarm...AHH! I just fell asleep! Oh wait, I was up 2 times in the last 6 hrs feeding Miles...wait! What am I doing waking up??? Oh shoot! I have to go wait in line to sign Logan up for preschool...yes, I had to be there as early as possible to get in line. I got there at 5am (it was COLD as hell!) at I was the 13th person there! the first person got there at 3:05. Oh well, I'll be able to sleep all afternoon. Dave is going to his parents with the kids)
7:00am-got my number and headed home to take a shower before I had to come back to register. Crazy things we do as parents!
7:10--Dave said he felt MUCH better~slept like a champ (wish I could say the same thing...) and I took a shower, fed Logan and headed back in.
8:30am-waited another hour to register Logan, got him in the class we wanted and off I go to have a lazy day at home.
10:00am-Dave starts complaining of stomach pains again. Honestly, I thought he was over doing it and I was a BIT irritated as I just wanted to rest and I had been up al night for 3 nights in a row. He layed down and I took care of entertaining the kiddos...
11:00am--Dave doesn't stop complaining and I tell him I'm taking him in. If his stomach hurts THIS bad that he can't get off the couch, he needs to go in. We call my mom and ask if Logan can nap there. I'm secretly so tired that I just want to close my eyes, but I didn't!
12:00 after dropping off Logan, we head to immediate care. It was lovely. Filled with sick people with masks. We waited in the hallway as we had Miles.
2:00..yes, 2 hrs later(and 3 pukes later by Miles on my shirt) we are seen. After a 10 minute examination the doctor tells us that chances are good its just a stomach flu, but they have to send him to the emergency room to just be sure. Lovely.
We debate not going, but go anyway.
3:00pm...nurse tells Dave if she was a betting woman she'd bet he was having surgery today. sure...right...
4:30pm...we have now seen 5 different people handcuffed and rolled by in beds escorted by police officers. We enjoy the drama and our cranky crying baby. Oh yeah, and more spit up covers my already smelly shirt. So far we're chalking up this day as the biggest wasted day of our lives. I'm also secretly envious of Dave's bed and wish that Miles and I could curl up on it.
5:15pm, Dave is instructed to drink the chalky white stuff and is told he'd be having a catscan.
I go home and get Miles some more formula. I leave Dave laying in bed watch the history channel. I come back to him getting wheeled away.
9:00pm--word is in...appendicitis. He will be having an emergency appendectomy in a couple hours. Yes, really. We were shocked.
9:30pm--we head up to the OR and I am able to stay with Dave until 10:10. 10:10pm--Miles and I head to the waiting room in the LONG empty halls. A LITTLE freaky...I try my hardest not to fall asleep and watch some old SNL.
11:45pm--surgeon comes in to tell me it was more complicated than expected, but they got it out. Dave also has a hernia which will need surgery, but they didn't fix it because they didn't have consent...lovely, huh?
SUNDAY
12:00am--I visit Dave for about 5 min in recovery. He wasn't really awake yet, and I knew he would sleep all night, so I gave him a kiss and went home.
12:30am--walk in the house, feed Miles, put him to bed. Wash the bottles and get myself all ready for bed.
1:30am--21 hrs after I woke up, I went to bed.
3:30am--Miles wakes up to eat (and puke on me)
4:30am-back to bed for me...
5:30am--Miles wakes back up to eat...
6:30am--realizing he isn't going back to sleep I take a long hot shower while Miles checks out the pattern on the shower curtain in the comfort of his bouncy chair.
I'm fricking EXHAUSTED.
9:00am--after visiting Logan for a little while, Miles and I get back to the hospital expecting to be picking up Dave. Not the case...he's not reacting well to the drugs and will be needing another full day and night...
I'll spare you the rest of the details, but the include 2 more trips to the hospital, very few hours of sleep and throw in a few exhaustion meltdowns and you get to today. Miles' appt this morning at 8:30 (well baby check) followed by immediate trip back to the hospital to get Dave...no sleep and a migraine coming on.
Hes resting comfortably in bed, a place I feel I'll never place my head again...
9 weeks...my recovery from HELLP+Logans 3 1/2 week horrible head cold+Miles week long diarrhea battle+Daves flu turned into appendicitis=one tired, miserable, going to go crazy from exhaustion mommy.
Anyone have extra funds to hire a maid?

Your age when baby came/comes

So I know I don't have the turn out like some of our other famous bloggers who asks a question and gets 200 responses ;)
BUT....
I was thinking about my age when I had Logan vs. how old I was having Miles vs. how old a lot of my friends are in my neighborhood when they had children etc...
I was 23 when I got married. I Had been dating Dave since I was 18 yrs old, so we were together for almost 5 yrs when we got married.
We planned on waiting a good 3-4 yrs to have children. We were (will be again) big travelers. We'd drop everything to go somewhere new. We went to Austria and the Czech Republic for our honeymoon for 3 weeks. Dave previously went to Europe alone for a month with only a backpack on his back. We didn't require anything fancy. Traveling, while expensive of course didn't cost us as much as it could have.
We had been married for about 4 1/2 months when our 'oops' night happened. A valentines celebration, little wine...no protection...boom...pregnant.
Now, before you think that I should have known it would have happened, let me remind you, I never get my period. OK, not NEVER, but maybe 3 times a year. I don't ovulate regularly, or basically at all. Later I would know I have high FSH which is a diminished ovarian reserve...after 8(I think) rounds of clomid only one ovulation occurred.
So, of course we joked about it the next 2 weeks (it was literally the only time we had unprotected sex...ever up to that point!) but with my history, I figured it was absolutely impossible.
I remember so well buying the test. We went grocery shopping and snuck the test in with the groceries. We didn't want anyone to see us buying it! Until the 16yr old cashier scanned it and laughed and showed it to the bagger and HE laughed and then they started a conversation about it...asked if we were old enough(duh!)...what we wanted the result to be etc...
We got home and I went straight to the bathroom while Dave started putting the groceries away. I left it there, knowing it would be negative and started helping with the groceries.
We went to look at it and there it was, 2 lines. We joked (I freaked on the inside) and threw it away. About 5 minutes later I got it out to make sure it still had 2 lines. It did. Dave was in the livingroom watching the Packers, and I sat down and started crying. How could I at 23 be pregnant! I didn't know how to be pregnant! I never thought about it! Dave was so darn perfect at that moment and just was totally happy with the situation. He just was so calm. I'll never forget. Then he went and got a beer out of the fridge and said, "ooh! I guess you'll not be having one of THESE with me for awhile."
Of course I was totally naive and didn't think of all the things that could have happened at that time. Which, to be honest, I'm so glad I could experience it that way the first time. Needless to say everyone was shocked.
By the time Logan was born, I had turned 24 two months earlier. In that short 9 months, we moved out of an apartment and built our house. The whole neighborhood is at least 10 yrs older than us. I remember one day when Dave, I and my mother in law where here checking out the latest updates we met one of our neighbors who thought that it was my MIL moving in. She figured I was the child.
I definitely live in a neighborhood where people chose career first and family later. Which is totally fine as I probably would have done the same.
If we wouldn't have lost our second pregnancy, Logan and that baby would have only been 17 months or so apart (planned)
Now, I am 27 and I can tell you that there is so much different from when I was 24 and a new mother to now when I am 27 and a new mother.
I don't know if it is all the crap that happened in between, but I DO feel so much better prepared for motherhood at this age vs the age I was with Logan.
It could also just be because I had done it all once already...who knows.
I do wonder if we would have stuck to our plans on waiting for 3-4 yrs what would be different in my life right now.
I'm positive we wouldn't live here in this house as it was a speedy 'we can't have a baby in this small apartment' decision. I wonder what career path my life would have taken, and how I as a person would be different.
There are pros and cons for each option.
Each family has their own reasoning for the path they choose, if they have a choice at all. Some feel the college they paid for would be wasted if they had children early, or that they want to define themselves before it isn't about them anymore, or simply that they just aren't ready.
Others feel that they know they are going to have children, no sense waiting...career isn't important at that time...they'll be young Grandparents etc...and they go for it.
The funny thing is the VAST age difference having children these days. Mothers in their teens all the way up to mothers in their 40's. 20+ year age differences.
When Logan was a baby and I would try to get involved in playgroups I would always stick out as the young one. I never really fit in with women 10+yrs older than me at that time. (I looked younger than what I was. I've been a SAHM Logans entire life, and there weren't many SAHM's here in their early 20's in any of the places I was looking I guess) Its easier now that I'm 27 and not that young anymore. There of course are always older moms at playgroups, and many times younger moms...not always though. But like I said, its easier now that I have more to talk about that we all can relate to. I do fit in for the most part, but many moms still look at me as the 'young one'(there really should be more support for the 'young ones' IMO who don't have many mommy friends and who feel a bit out of the loop...anyway)
I do however sometimes look at my neighbors who ARE 10+ yrs older just now having kids. They've had their career, have nice things that we can't afford and sometimes I'm jealous of that. I wonder if sometimes they're jealous of the fact that we were so young when we started?
Seeing women are having babies at such different ages these days it makes you wonder what it will be like when Logan is in say, 3rd grade and has his best friends. Will the moms fit together and be a part of their childrens friendship or be all over the spectrum and not have much in common?
When Logan graduates highschool, I'll be 41, 44 when Miles graduates. I can't imagine just starting out at that time.
Its a great time to be a mom though, isn't it? We have so many choices and freedom to do just about anything we want...early or late or right in the middle.
So, tell me about your circumstance. Is it what you wanted or assumed your life would be?
How do you feel about it all?

I'm a little worried about Miles, can you help?

All Moms out there, I need your advice.
Miles is a big baby.
He didn't come out that big (7lbs 11oz) but he also only gained 7 ounces in the last 4 1/2 weeks of my pregnancy probably due to the HELLP.
It was as if when he came out he was on a mission to make up for lost time.
He was 13.6lbs last Friday at 7 1/2 weeks.
He ate about 5-6 oz every 4ish hours, sometimes a little longer, sometimes a little shorter. He did this 24 hrs a day, he didn't have a longer stretch than that at night. So that is about 30-36oz/day.
Starting Friday when he got sick, his intake dramatically decreased but he would drink Pedialyte like it was candy! (gross!) And would take 4oz no problem of that stuff. He only drank the pedialyte for 16ish hrs...like 4 or 5 bottles maybe at most.
His appetite never picked up and now I guess I'm just worried.
My 13 1/2 lber is only eating at most 2-3oz at a time, with 3 hrs in between. That is only 16-24oz/day. For a 13 1/2lb baby...
He literally just STOPS at 3 if he's gotten that far and will have nothing to do with it anymore.
I know he's anemic, but its as if he just falls asleep half the time and the other half is really grouchy, cramping up in the tummy. This is all new, within the last amost week, so I dont' think he has a problem with the formula as it hasn't changed once since he began it at a week old.
So...would you be concerned?
He has his 2 month appt on Monday...would you wait that long?

Is this not one of thee cutest babies ever!

What a doll...Congratulations Christine, she's beautiful!

First things first...how can Christine go in the hospital and not bring a camera, a computer and whatever else she needs to fill us in with ALL the details and a picture of her sweet Maura! (did I spell that right?)
Christine, I'm dying for the offical birth story and to see a picture of that 'head full of curly dark hair'!
Pronto!
I'm checking like a mad woman!
These crazy thoughts keep going through my mind.
First and foremost, I will admit I'm completely selfish!
100% selfish.
No need to tell me, I'm working on it!
You will see what I mean here.
I've felt, since about a week after my delivery cheated in some way.
Cheated because I didn't get nearly the final labor/delivery that I had planned in my head. Yes, I know women who have crash c-sections at the last minute also don't have the delivery they planned. Are they complaining...probably not! Me=selfish!
I had it all planned out!
I was going to check in the hospital as soon as I could, maybe at a 3cm or so...contractions would be coming, but not too painful. I'd ask for my epi the minute I could and then Dave and I would sit together and watch the monitors go, knowing my body was preparing to deliver our miracle.
We'd laugh, joke, take stupid pictures. We'd call our parents and I'd talk to them in a calm voice because of course, I'd be fine due to the epi. (I had one with Logan...PERFECT!!!)
Maybe we'd play some cards, go over some other names we had in our head while we still had time. Talk about what was to come in our perfect life with our perfect boys. Wonder if our new baby would be as cute as Logan, or cuter! ;)
Instead I was admitted and immediatly told that my life was in danger if I didn't deliver this baby soon. IV's started coming in each hand, drugs, Platelets (which btw I'm extremely greatful for the donation, whomever it was from because it probably helped save me, but to be honest, I'm a little grossed out by the whole transfusion thing...) labs every so often that told me that I was too sick to have an epi, a c-sect or anything other than a vaginal delivery as quick as possible, Cathedar, I couldn't move, except for roll over one way, painful contractions, no pictures or laughing or joking or sharing a special moment. Just me, wanting to be alone in my pain. Dave couldn't touch me, not for a second or the pain would hurt worse. I'd try to hold in my screams, but they came out anyway. I almost hyperventilated and couldn't catch my breath before the next contraction came. I wasn't allowed to do anything naturally to see how my body would react. They broke my water, upped the pitocen to the point where the contraction wouldn't even completely finish before the next would begin. I don't know if I told you this (probably did...) but I PUSHED my cathedar out...yes, its possible.
I had this searing pain, and what it was was me pushing my cath out. It was inflated one inch...like a golf ball, and I pushed it out.
I didn't get that special moment of pushing the baby out and getting it placed on my chest because they were afraid I was going to seizure. Dave got the special moment...I was too out of it to even see his first reaction when he held Miles. (I hate that I'm crying right now...I want to remember that moment)
I called a perinatologist yesterday to see what autoimmune testing I should get done (they recommend it after someone goes through HELLP) and when I was talking to the nurse she also told me that I should count my blessings and end here. I get it people...no more babies...why does everyone have to keep telling me that...
I get it...
No more pregnancy for me...ever...
I will never get my final labor and delivery that I so wanted. I would have ended fine for me then. Dumb, huh?
I truely feel like I'll always feel jealous of pregnant people now. Isn't that SO selfish...I told you, I'm selfish!
I used to be jealous of pregnant women when I was going through infertility, now my family is complete and i'll STILL be jealous! I'm a horrible person...
I'm jealous that they will most likely get the labor/delivery that I so very much wanted.
I know its not about the labor/delivery. its about the BABY that comes, it doesn't matter how it gets here, just so as it does in a safe healthy mannor.
If I get it, how come I don't GET it.
---
no trolls telling me how ungreatful I am please.
I'm not ungreatful...not an ounce ungreatful. I promise you that!