Breastfeeding and thank you

First, THANK YOU for liking my name...and if you were only saying that to be nice, thank you for being nice.
We really do like it, and think it goes perfectly with the little boy we imagine, and with our family.
I can't wait until he gets here so I can look him in the eyes, feel his face, touch his toes and tell him how much I wanted him in my life, and how long it took to make it happen.
The big topic, breastfeeding.
Those of you BTDT moms, I will be needing your support.
I'm determined. Last time, it was a nightmere. I was on heavy antibiotics during labor (due to an infection in my amniotic fluid) and developed thrush about 4 days PP. On top of having 3rd degree tearing, and the complete craziness of my milk coming in PLUS my milk coming in with thrush. I was depressed, I hurt in every part of my body. I was young and unsure of myself and I didn't believe I could do it. They had me using nipple shields and pumping formula through a feeding tube THROUGH the sheilds...oy! It was crazy!
I gave up. Its ok, really it is! Logan was SO healthy growing up on formula, and I don't care what the breastfeeding psycho's say...I did what was right for my son and my family at that time. Feeding him was finally a joy instead of pain.
BUUUT! I really want to experience breastfeeding! Not because I feel my bond will be any different than Logan, but just because I REALLY want to experience it!!
So, I'm trying to learn as much as I can etc...I went to a nutrition appt to make sure that while I'm not eating meat I'm getting what the baby will need etc...I want to get a good pump (but they are all SO much money!) and I want to get on the right foot early!
Does anyone have any advice or personal stories?
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Being pregnant with number 2 is so much different than being pregnant with number one, anyone else agree (BTDT?)
With Logan, when I was tired, I could nap. I'd put my feet up and relax. I'd slowly find things for him and unpack them in his room. I ate slept and breathed pregnancy. Its ALL I thought about!
Its impossible to do that with number 2! I RARELY get to put my feet up, last night I was up 5 times after FINALLY falling asleep at 12:00, but my little 'alarm clock' (aka...Logan)woke me up and I know I'll not get to rest today.
I have so much to do, and barely ANY time to do it! I wish SAHM's could have a 'sick day', or a vacation day! Not that I'm complaining in ANY way about staying home! I've never felt so good about any job I've ever had, and I swear the bond Logan and I have is SO strong! I'd NEVER have it any other way as long as we can have it this way! My neighbor occasionally takes off Fridays and still drops her daughter off at daycare (???....) and works in her house ALLL day! Her house is spotless and she isn't home every day! haha! It doesn't make sense, does it!
Boy, life is going to be different with TWO little men around, isn't it!
I can't WAIT! :)

FYI~If you have a child who likes to talk...

DON'T tell him the possible name of your soon to be born child unless you want him to spill the beans!

As I've told you before, Logan thinks the baby's name is 'KERMIT'....(as in, the frog...yes...cute, but NOT happening!)
Well, shoot! I almost want to spill the beans here on what name we have chosen! Should I?....
....
...
..
Well, I'll decide at the end of this post!
OK, so we were at my parents, and I was on the couch and Logan wanted to cuddle, but then he said my tummy was in the way! haha! My mom asked what was IN my tummy, and Logan said, 'the BABY Grandma!'
And Grandma asked what the baby's name was, fully expecting that Logan would say what he does everytime that question is asked..."Kermit!"
But NOOOOOOO! What did he say?(...Miles) The name that Dave and I OCCASIONALLY say outloud in front of him.
The name that we decided we weren't going to use in front of Logan just in case this happened.
But apparently he has a memory like crazy! He said it!
SHOOT!
I tried oh so hard to laugh it off saying, "oh yeah! He likes that name! ha..ha...haha..." all the while my cheeks are turning red and I'm thinking CRAP!!!!!
So, hopefully my mom blew it off, but seeing she HATES the name, I'm quite positive she knows now what we are 99% sure naming this child!

11-20 'things about me'

11. I used to be an runner. Track was my sport of choice. I participated from 6-12th grade. I was a sprinter. I did the 100, the 200, the 4x100 relay, the 4x200 relay, and the triple jump (which I sucked at). I'd love to be a distance runner, but I just don't have the stamina! Although, I SWEAR after this baby is born, I'm getting my butt in the best shape of my life! Its a goal!!

12. I ran away once in highschool. I was 16, a junior. My best friend used to get beat up by her parents. It was a bad situation. We joked all the time about going away together, but one night it got so bad she called and told me if I wasn't going with her, she was going alone.
I dropped my sister off at school, and picked her up and off we went to Chicago. We 'ran' to my cousin's apartment (she was 16 also and lived with her parents...duh!) and she did her best to help us out. When nightfall came and we had no where to sleep, she told her dad. We almost slept on the roof of a fricking building! My parents drove up that night and we're so disappointed in me. Now, as a parent, I can't believe I did that to my parents...EVER!

13. I have one tatoo. A gecko on my right ankle. My parents gave me $50 for my 18th birthday to go 'shopping' with my friends. haha! Thanks mom and dad! :) I'd totally get another, but Dave doesn't have any, and I think he'd look so sexy with one! If I can ever talk him into getting one, I'll get one with him!

14. I *almost* got my belly button pierced at age 17 with a fake ID. I went with 2 girlfriends, (only 1 was 18, the other one used a fake too!) and there were only 2 chairs. Watching them go through with it about made me pass out! I'm glad I was supposed to be last! It never happened! (And I SO don't regret not doing it either!)

15. When I went to college, my friend and I started hanging out with our senior advisor (the more I think about it, the more I think what a loser he WAS to hang out with JUST 18 yr old's while he was a 5th yr senior)
Anyway, my friend starting 'dating' him, and I started 'dating' his roomate. We got into all the bars in town because all the bouncers were friends of OUR new friends. My real friends (even to this day friends) were so jealous and angry with us when we had to leave to go to the bars! haha! We thought we were SO cool!

16. Dave said that one of the network TV organizations should have done a TV sitcom based on my college friend life. You see, there was a small group of us. Only myself and one other girl, and the rest were guys. Guys are so much easier to be friends with, don't you agree?
Anyway, the group was so diverse! I wish I could share the names of my friends, but I won't do that. If I did, you'd see the diverse ethnicity of the group! One guy was from China, another from India, another from the Philippines, one guy was Italian, and then there were 3 boring old us's! :)
It was just funny because the school we went to was NOT very diverse, and I loved our tightnit group! We're still best of friends to this day!

17. My mom and dad got married in 1969, and immediatly after their wedding my dad got drafted to Vietnam. He left the first year of their marraige and served in the Marines. He was one of the men fighting men out in the jungle. I can't imagine what my dad saw and went through, but I'm so proud of him for making it out of there and home. I can't imagine what my mom went through without him!

18. I'm really craving some pumpkin pie right about now! And I'm going to have to have some before the darn gloucose test next week just incase I fail! I NEED pumpkin pie! If they tell me I can't have any, I'll cry! :)

19. Gosh, this is getting hard at the end!
Did I do this one already? I'm a huge scrapbooker! I love scrapping anything that has to do with Logan and our life together! It relaxes me, I'm proud of what I accomplish, and I know someday Logan (or his wife) will look back and love what I have done. I can't wait to do more baby pages with the new baby! (Although I wish I could do just ONE pink girly page!)

20. We are 99% sure on what we are going to name our baby! No one knows (except anyone reading from soul sisters) because long before we knew the sex we named it as one of our choices, and EVERYONE hated it! We're not sharing until after the baby comes now because everyone can just screw off with their comments on OUR baby name choices!
Besides, I think it is a great name, unique yet not new and trendy (think old fashioned) and straight to the point! Can't wait to share it with you!

Big slacker!

Thats what I have been since I got home! I just can't find the time to blog or comment...blah!
But today, I had to remember exactly how I'm feeling today.
Beautifully pregnant!
Now, I'm not one to think I'm beautiful in any way, let alone tell everyone who wants to hear, but ladies...this pregnancy makes me FEEL beautiful!
I'm so big and round.
I love it! I love the feeling in my tummy, the pokes and prods. The rolls and turns.
I couldn't be happier then I am today about this pregnancy and how I feel.
Don't get me wrong...I DO feel rather large (Dave estimated the baby weighing in at about 30lbs! haha)...would give just about anything to roll on my stomach and fall asleep that way...and this extreme hunger makes me a tad bit nervous of what will take place in the next 14ish weeks...BUT! Everything is just so welcome and loved!
In fact, when Dave left for work today he told me, 'we NEED to take a picture of that belly tonight! It looks fantastic! I want to remember it!'
with a comment like that, how do I NOT feel great? Right!
so...off to make a snack! :)

Life after vacation

is always so much more exhausting then life before a vacation, don't you think?
We got home Wednesday afternoon, and I swear life has been so busy since then!
We are almost done drywalling our 'basement' (it really will be our main living area. We live in a tri-level, so it has 4 half levels) and Dave has been working on that almost non stop since we got home.
We NEED it done before the baby come so the office can go downstairs and the BABY can have his own room.
So, with Dave working downstairs, Logan wants to hang out with him which is no big deal except it means that I have to hang out TOO! With all the tools, Dave can't watch Logan AND do the work. Logan told me today, "I LOVE tools mom" haha.
Laundry, cleaning out the veggie garden, mowing, cleaning, visiting our parents, cooking, grocery shopping, did I say laundry?
I'm exhausted!!!
But, the baby is fine, the ultrasound went fine and our baby looks SO big! I can't believe I'm 25 weeks already.
I'll have to share a belly shot again. When I went in last week I was 24w4d, and I was measuring 28 weeks. Stretchmarks are stretching already from my pregnancy with Logan. We're going to give birth to a toddler I believe! :)
Getting this far has made me start thinking about my labor/birth experience with Logan and I'm already freaking out a bit. I'll share that in my next post when I have a minute to gather my thoughts.
I'm also freaking out a bit because I'm 25 weeks and do you know what I've done so far to prepare the arrival of this baby? I've bought ONE outfit. Thats it. I haven't gone through Logan's stuff, we have no crib, no BEDROOM...I can see myself at 37 weeks painting the nursery trying to get it ready in time!
It really comes on fast! At first you think 40 weeks! WAY too long! But actually, I can't believe how fast it is going! Only 15 weeks until my due date! My very last pregnancy! How could it be crusing by so fast?
But, I can't believe I'm writing this, but I'm so proud of my weight gain so far! 12 lbs total this morning from my pre-preg weight! With Logan, I gained 30 lbs in the last 20 weeks, so hopefully that won't happen, but this time I'm headed in a different direction I hope. If I were to gain the recommended pound a week from here on out, that would be only 27lbs! Not bad when my last one was 40! :)
I'll look back in 10 weeks from now and curse myself out as I'm looking at my 40lb weight gain by then! haha!
I'm not stressed if I do gain a lot though, cause I know it all comes off in the end!
So, as you can see I'm just rambling!
Just to ramble I guess!
For the blogs I read on a regular basis, I swear, I'll be back this week to read up on you and see whats happening! I didn't desert you, I swear!!

And all vacations must come to an end...

Our trip to St. Louis was all we expected and more. Its a nice city with LOTS of free things to do! Thats always nice! Good food, extremely nice people, and lovely accomadations.
We got a GREAT rate at a super nice hotel down town from hotwire.com. I highly recommend it!
We did more walking in 4 days then I have done in a LOOONG time! It felt soo good! Almost 90 degrees every day with not a drop of rain. Hot, but very nice.
We went to the Arch, and paid our $16 for both of us to get in the little 'egg' to take us to the top. If you've been there, you know what I'm talking about. If not, literally imagine an EGG that you and 4 other people have to sit in. Your knees have to interlock with the person sitting next to you, and you have to bend your head forward because of the tilting of the wall behind you. There is no standing up...or anything close to it.
It is a 4-5 minute ride to the top and you can stay up top as long as you want. Then, another 4-5 minute ride down.
Well....that might sound fine to many of you, but for people who are claustrophobic (yes, I'm quite sure I spelled that wrong) it is NOT something that would come easy. We waited in line, and luckily it looked to be just Dave and I in our 'egg'. The doors opened, and the people came out and I couldn't breath. I went in quick and sat down and imagined the door closing us in. I about hyperventilated. I jumped out! Tears in my eyes! I felt like a freak! haha! I could not, WOULD not do it! I sent Dave up alone and wasted the $8, but seriously if I would have gone in there I would have done come crazy fit and probaby passed out.
The pictures he took are great though!

~~~~~~For Christine...We went to the zoo, casino, the 'loop', Grant farms, the brewery tour, union station, meremac caverns, the space museum, Hmmmm...I think I'm forgetting a few. We also stayed at Omni on Pine street...by Olive? Do you know where that is? 10th street I think?
We also ate at a few local places, our anniversary dinner we ate at a resturant at 'the hill' (Favazza's?)~~~~~

Then, Tuesday evening something sortof scary happened. I was having some cramping, so we took the afternoon off and we just sat and layed in bed. I started spotting, but it could have been from intercourse.
It was only a little spotting, and besides a little cramping, I felt fine so we decided to get some supper. I felt weird the whole time in my abdomen. We got home and crawled into bed to watch some TV and I started contracting. Every 7 minutes.
A little reminder, I started preterm labor with Logan at 26 weeks. I am now 24 1/2. I sortof freaked, but I knew some things to do. I had dave run down and get me 2 large glasses of water and drank them, and layed on my left side. The contractions weren't painful, just obvious, and the baby was moving around like crazy. Eventually, they slowed down, and I fell asleep. I guess they weren't anything major because I woke up and they were gone. I have though, since then had some more cramping. Not contracting, just cramping.
What started all of my problems with Logan was Bacterial Vaginosis. Apparently it is common in pregnancy, as a lot of my pregnant friends have had it, but it can cause problems. Preterm labor, PROM, etc....
I think I might have it. Just a huntch I'm having.
I'm calling the doctor tomorrow to make an appt to get checked for it.
So, while I know I probably should have gone to the ER in MO, I just didn't because it was 10pm on our last night there, we were getting up early for a 6+ hr drive...and I truely felt all was fine.
If it wasn't, I'm sure I'd know by now, right?
So anyway, we got back at 3:00ish, and waited for the longest 45 minutes to see Logan! (still napping at Grandma's)
I swear he grew a foot! I got lots of hugs and kisses and loving! I missed him SOOO much!
We played with some new toys he got (new-garage sale new!) and went out to eat.
It was a great night!
I'll let you know what the doctor says! :)
Glad to be back! Can't wait to check up on you all this week!

The hardest thing in the world

Is leaving your baby and walking away knowing you won't see him for 5 WHOLE days!
:(
Hopefully the tears will stop soon, and I'll get in the anniversary celebration mode....
I miss him already and its been maybe 5 whole minutes...maybe!
ugh...bye ladies...

Anniversary trip fast approaching

In our room, above our bed we have a giant USA map. Boring, huh?
Well, actually it is our most exciting piece of home decor.
Each year for our anniversary, we travel to a different state. By our 50th anniversary, we plan, God willing, to have traveled the entire country together. (well, at least one place in each state)
I can't think of anything more cool than to say I'm traveling the country with my husband! It might take us 50yrs, but by God! We're going to do it!
Our anniversary is next week, so we are going to be leaving...JUST the two of us...on Friday afternoon-Wednesday to go to St. Louis, Missouri to spend 5 fabulous nights and 4 wonderful exciting days together.
This is our 4th anniversary, so our map isn't going to look so bare anymore! We come home and permanent marker the state we went to, the anniversary we went there, and highlight the towns.
Maybe some day our children, or great-grandchildren or great GREAT grandchildren will want to follow in our footsteps and follow our lead!
So, this will most likely be my last post until late next week!
Enjoy your weekend and week ahead...and I can't wait to check up with you when I get back!
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A little baby/Logan news. It is 100% open to feel 'baby' kicking away on the outside of my belly these days. (I LOVE IT) and I thought Logan would like to feel. He put his hand on my belly and 'baby' promptly kicked his hand. He giggled, and when I asked if he felt it, he sheepishly said yes. It was something I'll never forget! He now LOVES to put his hand on my belly.
Another good thing (or bad, depending on how you look at it) about pregnancy is your ever growing...ahem...chest! Well, the other morning, we were in bed when Logan woke up to join us. I was on my side and he asked if he could talk to the baby. I said sure! So, where does he talk? My belly of course, right? Wrong! My BOOB! Head close of course so baby can hear...'Hi baby! How are you in there? Are you stuck in there? Can you come out now?'...all directed to my boob! I couldn't stop laughing, although I tried really hard!...and of course the moment was just too sweet to make him STOP talking, and move his head to my belly.
What does that tell you....I've grown considerably! haha!
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Bye ladies! See you next week!

Another lovely comment from my 'friend'

Sometimes I think I need to build a dome around my life. That way I can let in or NOT let in whom I choose when I choose.

I got a call from my 'friend' today who was telling me about her SIL's wedding this weekend. How it was horrible, bad, everything went wrong. They're not ready to be married, they haven't know each other for even a year...and then she said the whole family feels that way.

**Sidenote, my parents met and were married w/in 10 months and will just celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary last month**

She then told me laughing the whole time how her MIL and her were having a discussion about which God to pray to to get ahold of the 'infertility gods'. Because THESE people do not need to reproduce.
Nice, huh? Even nicer to talk about this HORRIBLE joke to a friend who WENT through infertility.
I was speechless. I said, 'yeah...that's nice' and of course she tried to dig herself out of it, but its just not 'diggable'.
I have nothing else to add really, as I'm still completely shocked that this came out of someone's mouth. Yes, she got pregnant the first time on accident which lead to her marraige. The second pregnancy was on her honeymoon, completely planned although she knows nothing about fertility...just that you have to have sex and you'll get pregnant.
Apparently she forgot the phonecalls where I couldn't stop crying because of the deep depression I was in because of the 'infertility gods'.
Hmmm...funny what some people find humerous, isn't it?

Something important

There is something that I feel I must say.
I feel as though I've been excepted into this new community of bloggers. Thanks so much to my friend Christine. Christine, you have posted on most of my pages from the time my computer illerate self learned how to set up the comment page. You probably don't realize how much it means to me, so I want to tell you how much it really does. You are a great friend. You must belong to a board of women, because I hear yourselves calling each other 'sista's' a lot. I'm assuming that is how you all met. And many of your 'sista's' also have their own blogs.
SOMEHOW, I was lucky enough to get on some of their own blogrolls, and they have been kind enough to post comments on my pages as well.
My last post had a lovely 'anon' who told me that nobody cared about what I chose to post about. That might have been true! Really, but you know, the point of my blog is for me to remember and journal about things that are important to me in my life. 'A' delivering healthy..well, almost healthy...twin baby girls who combined weights are less than most singletons born is very important to me. And when I go back in a year, it will be fun to see that page.
Not only did on person step up and tell me they care, but Stephanie, Kether, Crista, and Christine all did! Thank you girls!
This is now starting my 9th month of blogging.
I haven't really found a place where I 'fit'. At first, I fit in with the infertiles. But, then again, not really as I have my son Logan. And there is a lot of tension from some primary infertiles towards secondary infertiles (not all, by any means, but many). And seeing I was new to the blog world, I didn't know who would have that tension, and who wouldn't. While I had miscarried when I first started TTC, I didn't fit with the women who had multiple losses. I didn't really fit with the TTC'ers, because while I was TTC....I was infertile. It was 19 long hard months until I got pregnant with Logan. I have elevated FSH levels, so I thought I'd fit with them...but then again, I never really found too many with that problem.
When I got pregnant with this baby, I didn't fit with any of the pregnant blogs, because the fear of loss was just SO great with this pregnancy, still is!
I kindof just felt that maybe having a class of my own was just as great as fitting in with a group of bloggers.
I was starting to realize that maybe I would only have a couple responses every few posts, and that was OK with me! After all, that isn't why I was doing this blog to begin with. I am doing this blog for myself. A sort of therapy to work through first, infertility, then pregnancy. Its a great place for me to get it all out.
BUT...now...I feel as though I'm being welcomed into this great group of ladies. Some have children, some don't. Some are pregnant, some aren't. Some are trying, and I think that all of us have had a loss.
I'm not sure how you great group of ladies have been so kind as to let me into your little circle, but I just want to thank you for that.
I'm learning bit by bit about your lives, and your trials and joys.
I can't wait to learn more.
Thank you for allowing me to join your inner blog circle. (Do I sound like I'm in middle school yet? haha!)
Cheers to all of you!
**I also tried to put this up in my blog roll, but I don't know how to do it. If you read my blog, and you would like me to blog roll your blog, please, let me know! I'd love to add it to my list!!**

My friend had her babies!

'A' gave birth yesterday to twin girls!
The first weighing in at 3.4lbs, 16 inches, and the 2nd weighing in at 3.9lbs and 16 1/2 inches.
8-9 weeks early!
They are in the NICU, but doing very well! They will be in there for 4-6 weeks for sure.
YAY for A and her new bundles of joy!

Hey Bloggers...do you ever do this?

I sat down today, and went back to the beginning of my blog and just started reading.
It was great therapy for me to see where I was, and what happened from then to now. Some things that I already forgot about also!
Do you ever do that?
It makes me so glad that I started this blog, and a little sad I didn't start it sooner!
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I changed my settings on August 23rd, and since then have had over 300 visitors! Not too bad for 9 days, huh? Its no Julia, or Grrl, or Tertia, but I'll TAKE it! :)

Although my comment sections are far and inbetween, I just wanted to give a big wave to those reading my blog that I know, and those that I don't know.
Thank you for coming to my blog and taking the time to read it. It makes me feel so good to see visitors, so again...thank you!
I'd love to do a welcome and shake your hand...but..ahem...you have to leave a comment for me to do that! *wink wink*
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My friend A is pregnant with twin girls. She is 31 weeks along, and I just found out she has been in the hospital for the last week due to preterm labor. She is on Mag. Sulfate (right?) and is already dialated to 3cm. She is on hospital bed rest and will be for the remainder of her pregnancy. Her baby's are just over 2 lbs each. If you could say a prayer for her and her baby girls (if you are the praying type) I know prayers work. I've seen it happen.