The everyday life of a stay at home mom just trying to stay sane.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

OK, I heard you God...

Just as I was getting a little TOO confident in this pregnancy, God told me to slow down a bit.
My parents neighbor was 13 weeks pregnant...I'm 13 weeks pregnant...she lost her first baby yesterday.
I'm so sad for her. She's in her late 30's and apparently had been trying for awhile. She smoked though, all the way through. Not that that changes anything or makes it any easier for her or her family.
I'm so sorry for her loss.

Its like a quick little smack back into reality.

So, I hear you God. You are in control, not me.

Monday, June 28, 2004

in 5-7 weeks...

Dave and I have decided we will find out the sex of this baby!! (If he/she lets us!)
We DIDN'T with Logan, but seeing this time STILL seems so unreal to me, finding out the sex will make it easier for me to bond with he or she. Buy cutesy outfits, toys, nursery stuff...all the things that I bought in yellow and green for Logan! :)
Oh, and I'll actually bring home a baby in blue or pink! Logans bring home outfit was adorable, but it was white/yello/green stripes. But he LOOKED like a boy!
We're just looking at it like a time to try something new!
We did it with Logan one way (and LOOOOVED waiting to hear, 'its a boy'!)
but different times and different circumstances made us want to do things different this time!
I'm really excited about our decision!

Potty Training in process...

I'm SO lazy when it comes to potty training! I think I've waited TOO long, and today is THEE day we are starting! Logan is 2 yrs and 8 months. He LOVES his diapers...and HATES the potty!
Wish us luck! We are going to Walmart for some bribing rewards this morning!
But, if this happens the way I'd LIKE it to happen, I can stop buying Logans diapers and start stocking up on little ones for when the baby comes! That would be a great help!
Nothing new and exciting to report today. I'm definetly in a blah mood.
blah blah blah!

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Goodbye Phish...

Phish is one of our favorite bands. Dave has been to over 30 shows, and I have been to over 20. It is the neatest experience to go to a Phish show and live and watch the high of everyone else enjoying great music and atmosphere! It was one place I never had to wonder if there would be something meatless for me to eat as everyone would be trying to make a buck by selling veggie burritos/grilled cheeses right off the grill in their little space in the parking lot.
One day, last month Dave called from work and read me this letter he found on Phish's website...

Last Friday night, I got together with Mike, Page and Fish to talk openly about the strong feelings I've been having that Phish has run its course and that we should end it now while it's still on a high note. Once we started talking, it quickly became apparent that the other guys' feelings, while not all the same as mine, were similar in many ways -- most importantly, that we all love and respect Phish and the Phish audience far too much to stand by and allow it to drag on beyond the point of vibrancy and health. We don't want to become caricatures of ourselves, or worse yet, a nostalgia act. By the end of the meeting, we realized that after almost twenty-one years together we were faced with the opportunity to graciously step away in unison, as a group, united in our friendship and our feelings of gratitude.

So Coventry will be the final Phish show. We are proud and thrilled that it will be in our home state of Vermont. We're also excited for the June and August shows, our last tour together. For the sake of clarity, I should say that this is not like the hiatus, which was our last attempt to revitalize ourselves. We're done. It's been an amazing and incredible journey. We thank you all for the love and support that you've shown us.

-- Trey Anastasio

We were SHOCKED! We didn't expect this at all! If you think we are freaks for caring so much about a band, you have never experienced a Phish show. The fans, the music, the love! Its great! Its one of those things you look forward to all year!
Dave said, 'we HAVE to go to the shows this summer, it will be our LAST chance ever to see them together!' I couldn't have agreed more! And luckily they weren't sold out!
So, we called our family to see who could watch Logan for the weekend. USUALLY we have NO problem because if one night one set can't the other is always there!
Not this time! NO ONE was home to watch Logan! Logan doesn't have a regular babysitter, just grandparents and an aunt. We couldn't believe it! So, I did the nice thing and told Dave he had to go alone. He HAD to go alone!
So, tonight while I type this, Dave is enjoying the last Phish concert he will ever get to listen to again. He tried to call me so I could hear a song over the phone, but it didn't work due to all the yelling etc...
I'm sure he's having a wonderful time (not as good as if he were with ME though! hee hee)
So Cheers to Phish for creating memories we will have forever!

Thursday, June 24, 2004

3-2-1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! (Push this link!)

Thats what I hope to be saying THIS year as I'm in the hospital delivering my BABY! Gulp! I said it! We'll go into that another day!
So, my doctor was right! we got there, and I was literally DYING because I had to use the bathroom SOOOOOO bad! I was in SERIOUS pain! The receptionist told me to 'let out a little' so I did...a little! I didn't want to be sent away because of an empty bladder! Then the tech saw I was STILL in a lot of pain and told me I could let out a LITTLE more! PURE TORTURE only letting out a LITTLE bit! So, I did...a little!! The first thing she commented on was how FULL my bladder was in the u/s! Even AFTER letting out a little! haha!
Then, we saw it! Head, legs, arms, fingers, hearbeat, you name it...we saw it!The little baby was kicking away, it was SO cool!
The heartrate was 167, and it sounded SO beautiful!SO beautiful!
Logan didn't really care too much and was watching the cars going by outside, but Dave and I couldn't stop laughing and asking questions and being amazed! AMAZED!
NO fibroid! so, thats good!
Anyway, my Due date was off by 8 whole days!
My NEW due date is JANUARY 1st!! New Years DAY!!
I am 12w5d pregnant today, and so I THINK the 2nd trimester starts at 13 weeks, so Saturday I will offically be in the 2nd trimester! WOO HOO!
isn't he/she beautiful!?!

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Ultrasound tomorrow!

I got a call from my nurse yesterday that due to my uterus size and the fact that we saw the heartbeat at 5w3d (without any measuring...just by my positive OPK date) that he thinks there is a big chance that I am a week ahead of what I think I am.
I'll take that, right?
Although, my uterus size could be from the fibroid that he thought he felt.
SO...tomorrow morning, we will get to see our baby at 10:30! WOO HOO!
Prayers please...if you would!
I'll update when I can!

Monday, June 21, 2004

Happiness is...

hearing your babies heartbeat at your first OB appt! But we'll get to that later...
This Dr. is only about 3 yrs old than most! Its his first year out of residency, but he is apparently this great doctor with great bedside manner who likes to be able to deliver his own babies, therefor only takes so many patients a month so he can be there for each delivery. He wants you to get to know him and him to know you as much as possible...blah blah blah!
Well...everything I just said is right! he's great!
One problem though...he looks almost exactly like Ty on Trading spaces! lol
I think its Ty...I don't have cable...but the one who has the funky hair who also does Extreme Home Makeover. Is that Ty? He's a Ty look-alike!
He's funny, caring, and already I can tell he is going to pay extra attention due to my previous pregnancy complications and Logan's cyst.
I seriously don't think I could be more happy with him.
The question is though, am I going to be able to be completely open and honest about problems like hemroids and yeast infections? Its just something about talking to a guy...ANY age...about hemroids! haha!
So, at the end, he said they really don't like to checkfor the heartbeat until after 12 weeks just to not add extra stress if they can't find it.
I told him that I promised I wouldn't be stressed...(Big fat old lie!)...and so he tried!
After only about 10 seconds I heard the wonderful sound! Heartrate in the 160's!
I was SO estatic!!
Then, he told me he thinks I have a fibroid and that it is pretty obvious in feeling it at the top of my uterus. I'm coming back in 2 weeks for a pap and to feel my uterus again. If its still that feeling, I'll go for an u/s.
Hmmm...something else to stress about! Anyone ever have a fibroid DURING pregnancy?
So, all in all I am extremely happy with my OB, my experience...and my sweet little heartbeat!!!!!

Saturday, June 19, 2004

This post goes out to...

the best man in the husband!
As I type this, he is downstairs making muffins for us for breakfast. He is singing with Logan, getting ready to watch a little Dora the Explorer!
Tomorrow is Fathers Day, and if anyone deserved a break and celebration, it is Dave.
He works more hours and harder than anyone I know, and never ONCE complains! I complain! but he doesn't!
He comes home, and does work around the house.
He Built Logan a swingset equipt with TWO slides and is going to finish the roof today.
He tells ME how hard I work with Logan and the house, when in reality, I work 1/4 as much as he does!
He would give anything to protect Logan or myself.
I truely feel blessed...SO look at him tomorrow morning and give him a BIG HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!
Happy fathers Day to all the men out there with children, or angels!
Enjoy your day! You so earned it!!

Friday, June 18, 2004

Haircuts galore

Did you know I have my cosmetology degree? Yep! I cut hair for about 3 yrs after cosmetology school before my dream job came along (Kindergarden asst teacher) and then laid me off 8 months later. Sure, my dream job was not to be the assistant, but the thing was, my lead teacher was retiring at the end of the year, and rather didn't give a damn about school anymore. So, she made ME the lead teacher for the most part. It was seriously the best job of my life. Problem was, the school districts budget got cut, when doesn't it? And myself and 4 other assistant teachers were laid off.
It was cool though, because I was planning on staying home with Logan, and I was about 30 weeks pregnant, and having complications, so it was really for the best.
Since I got my cosmetology license though, I've been a revolving chair for family and friends and children of friends.
Its nice, keeps me in 'good cutting shape' but the bummer is...I NEVER get paid a dime! Its totally ok though, but $5 or $10 dollar bill that I earned for myself would be nice sometime to take logan to get some icecream, or me to get a decaf coffee and read a good magazine.
Anyway, Daves sister is in town today, and my afternoon consists of cutting Logans hair, SIL's hair, MIL's hair, and when Dave gets home, HIS hair too!
Oh, and don't for a second think that they pay for me to get MY hair cut! I still have to pay someone because I certainly can't cut my own hair.
I sometimes wonder how it would be for me to know someone and call them and get a free haircut!
So anyway, totally not pregnancy related....but this is my afternoon!
Happy Weekend!

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Raise your hand...

I'm taking this idea from Christine...

I know a few people who read my blog on a regular basis, but I'm wondering if there is anyone reading that I don't know.
If you are reading this right now, would you mind just jotting down a big hello!
if you don't want to share your name, just do it anonomously!
The more we get, the bigger the prize....hee hee!
And by me asking this, I'm probably going to get a big fat NO reply!
But hey! Thats cool too!!

On the home front today, I switched OB's. After not even meeting my first OB.
You see, I had a sour taste in my mouth after my first appt with the nurse, which entailed me getting an IV from hydration. All this time I was there, not once did a doctor come check on me. Not even pop his or her head in the room.
My first REAL appt is next week...NOT with a real doctor, a NP. That will make me almost 16 weeks pregnant before I see a REAL doctor.
With my history of chorioamnionitis and Logan's brain cyst...screw that! Right?
I had an appt for Logan this morning with this WONDERFUL doctor who USED to do OB, but doesn't anymore. I love her. I asked her opinion, and she recommened a doctor in her practice that is apparently wonderful.
Dr. Edwards.
So, I went to make the appt. Its Monday. I had to wait 4 weeks for this appt at the other clinic, and I have an appt on Monday. I called to get everything faxed over, and I'm just going to run with it. Hopefully I like Dr. Edwards, and he is as compassionate as I was told. I want the kind of care I feel I deserve after all the crap I've gone through to get here, and with Logan also.
I know if this baby has a brain cyst, there is nothing we can do to STOP it, but at least I feel now like I made the right choice to get the best care that I can.
I'm releived, to say the least!
On another note, if there are any other users, could someone tell me how to post links to other blogs here? I'm so computer illerate!
OK...don't forget...raise that hand and wave hello!

Monday, June 14, 2004

Pregnancy and other life updates...

per request by Christine. :)

I am 10weeks pregnant now! Can you believe it? I am 1/4 of the way through!
I don't want it to go too fast, because this is our last child.
The nausea got SO much better with my Phenagren. It worked WONDERS! I also think that getting the IV helped a ton too because I was SO dehyrdrated that I was probably feeling worse than I should have. Getting the fluids pumped in me, and then medication to help the vomiting helped SO much! SO much so that I was able to stop the medication about a week ago. I was doing great too, until last night! I think I had a migraine. I had the WORST eye pain, and behind my eyes. The only think that helped was a cool washcloth pressed on my eyes. The light was killing me. We have no window treatments in our living room (because we just have farm fields behind one can see in) and the sun couldn't go down fast enough. I ate some of my left over icecream from the night before, and tried to go to bed.
I had to get up 3 times to get sick after I layed down, but then I slept pretty good. I still have a headache this morning though. So, that may or may not have been pregnancy related.
My belly is GROWING! REALLY growing! I wasn't in maternity clothes FULL time until 20ish weeks with Logan. Started wearing some pants at about 17-18 weeks, on and off.
I've already worn a whole maternity outfit last week one time, and then I got a pair of half panel shorts from Old Navy, and have been wearing them ever since! They are great! There was no such thing as half paneled pants when I was pregnant with Logan (at least I don't think!)
I am going to just break into them slowly I guess, its early, but I'd rather be comfortable then stuffed into something that doesn't fit!
I'm still really tired! But, thats OK because Logan still naps everyday at noon for 2-3 hrs. I can get a quick 20-30 min nap and feel much relief!
Eating was going MUCH better, but lately its hard again. Smells are getting to me, textures are getting to me, appearance is getting to me.
The thing I'm craving every day now is salad! Salad with lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, cheese, croutons and homemade italian dressing...YUM! I also have this yummy BLT salad recipe (let me know if you want it!!) So, our grocery store trip in a couple minutes will consist of mainly the produce section. Which is great!
I'm feeling a lot less stressed with this pregnancy.
I guess there will always be that fear in my head, and I'm sure it won't go away until I hold this baby! I still have a REALLY hard time BELIEVING I'm going to have a baby too, but instead of stressing about it, I'm going to just put it in Gods hands. Let him be in control! That is the hardest thing, and after a crying session the other night with Dave, I told him that is the hardest thing for me, NOT being in control! I NEED to be in control with everything around here that to just sit back and let nature take over is really not in my nature.
But, that is the plan, for now at least.
Dave is almost done building Logan's swingset. Its so funny! Dave went from NOT wanting an ugly swingset in our back yard to building one with 2 slides (a tunnle slide AND a bumpy slide) and each slide has a tower, it has a roof, and 4 swings! For ONE little boy! Logan just LOVES it though!
I think strangers think we are awful parents though because his poor little legs are SO brusied from going up and down the ladder and the slides etc...he is becoming a little crazy-man!
We are also getting in a lot of fun at our local aquatic center. We bought season passes for our family, and it has been nothing but good for Logan. He's a little timid with the water, so having it readily available to go whenever we want is just great for him.
He still won't come close to dunking his head, but he DID dunk his chin! That's a huge accomplishment for him.
All in all, our life is rather normal at the moment. Can't beat that right?

I am so glad to see that Courtney Cox had her baby girl. while I'm not sure about the name...cocco?...she inspired so many people with the way she talked about her infertility and multiple losses. She showed the world that it was OK to have fertility problems. That there was nothing WRONG with you if you couldn't sustain a pregnancy, or if you had to do ART. She owned up to everything, and in doing so, many infertile women or women who have experienced loss held her hand and prayed for her and her baby. She made it feel like she was no different than all the other women in the world who wanted a baby and had a hard time getting there.
UNLIKE other celebrites...cough.cough...julia roberts, where "twins run in her family" ass! But thanks for thinking that you are too good to admit to your several failed IVF cycles, and that you just happen to know at 9 weeks that you are pregnant with a boy and a girl...but to each their own! I'm extremely happy for her too!

Saturday, June 12, 2004

What a girl will do for icecream...

We rented a movie last night...Monster...ever seen it?
Hmmm...not sure I'd recommend it, or NOT recommend it.
It was rather strange, I guess.
Anyway, Dave LOVES the Matrix, but hasn't seen the 3rd one. Mind you, we just went to our first theatre movie since before I was pregnant with logan, so unless it comes out on video, we probably aren't going to see it.
So, while we were there, he TRIED to talk me into the matrix. Just not my thing. I'm NOT into Sci-Fi or anything half way related.
While we passed, he asked if he could rent it tonight (we only have 1 TV, so he had to make sure there wasn't anything on I was going to watch)
I tried to talk him into another movie, but then I decided to settle.
Dave, you CAN get the Matrix, IF you get me icecream!!
A win-win for everyone, I'd say!
Oops! I hear him pull in!
Its time for my chocolate icecream with brownie bits, and hot fudge!
Can you say choco-holic!

Friday, June 11, 2004

My dream...

is to some day write a book, and get the gull to send it to a publisher.
This is something I think about on a daily basis. I love books. I love words. I love emotions. I love it when a book...when WORDS on a page...can make me laugh or cry or read so fast I can hardly flip the pages fast enough.
I love it when I tell myself, 'I'll go to bed after this chapter' and then decide, more chapter, over and over until I can hardly keep my eyes open.
I love all kinds of books. Mainly, I love fiction.
I read, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" in one lazy afternoon/evening. It is a great book! And that is how I read my books. So hard and so fast that I won't forget a single thing.
The problem with me and reading is, I read too fast, and then I'm left with nothing else to read. My library is too small, and the only copies they have of the new releases are booked out for months. I certainly couldn't afford my reading habit if I bought new books every week. So, I'm left to gobble up any book I come across.
I have so many ideas going through my head when it comes to writing.
I've written a few childrens stories. And I think they are pretty good! I've written a very short fiction story that is dear to me also.
I am going to start working on a novel idea that I just came up with.
The problem is, even after I start writing...even after I'm proud of my work. I STILL don't send it in to publishers! Why? GOOD question! Its not that I'm afraid of rejection, because I tell you right now, I will frame my first rejection letter. I will be so proud that someone IN the industry took the time to read my work. Even if they hated it! They still took the time to send the letter out to me.
I will be proud of that letter.
Maybe I'm afraid of what would happen if it DID work out.
Or maybe I'm just afraid to even imagine it working out.
The thing is, why pursue something with your whole heart if you think its not going to work out? That is why I want to give it my all and pray for the best!!
If someone decided it was their dream to become a nurse or a musician, or a'd tell them, 'go to school and learn all you can and then BECOME you're dream!'
What do you tell someone who wants to write?
How about WRITE! Write all you can and then write some more!
My goal, start!
And EVERY day!
Find the niche I'm comfortable writing in, and go for it!

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

You see, the thing is...

is that I'm truely not letting myself believe a baby is coming yet.
I know I'm pregnant. I have some, not all of the side effects I once had.
My belly is growing. (I even wore a pair of maternity pants yesterday)
We have a room that will be the future nursery.
I speak of my unborn child often.
Everyone KNOWS we're expecting. In fact, Logan swears we are having a baby girl named 'Kermit'!
Everyone, except myself.
Now, I KNOW we're expecting, but I'm not fully bonded yet. Like, I'm letting myself take time with that whole emotional part, just in case.
I'm in the room right now, the room we call, 'the office'. that's what it is to me. It has plain white walls, because it was always planned to be our future childs bedroom. Daves finishing up our lower level, and that is where the office will be, and THIS room will become a nursery. I can't invision it yet. Maybe when we lose all the office furniture etc...and it is a blank empty canvass...maybe then.
My sister found a baby bib that she had always wanted to get for Logan but could never find...'I love my Aunt', so she bought it. I have yet to really LOOK at it.
Daves co-worker had a garage sale, but saved some of the really cute stuff and gave it to us...its still in the bag, in the basement.
I see all of Logans old clothes in their boxes, and they are nothing more than LOGAN"S old clothes. I don't feel a pull at the baby sections of any store.
Nothing grabs my eye and makes me say, 'awwww....we HAVE to get that! It will be perfect if we have a little girl...or boy...or BABY!'
Names...I still have the girl names from Logan, and they are after my Grandma, so they are the same. And I have a boys name that I really REALLY like, but...when I say them, its not as if I am saying them to any person, really. They are just names.
I can't invision this baby.
I can't invision our family with this baby.
I can't invision myself with this baby.
So, the question is, how healthy is this.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this baby. And I will do anything I can to have this baby,
I just have set up this wall so high that I don't know how to tear it down.
Oh, by the time I was almost 10 weeks with LOGAN, my whole life was changed! I was thinking about the baby in my belly ALL day EVERY day! I couldn't read enough information on how big he was or what was developing at this moment, or when he had fingers and toes, and I knew everything that was happening. the weekend we found out we were pregnant, I ran out and got a book and a frickin BABY NAME BOOK! I read it front to back a million times!
Now, with this baby, I tried to find my 'what to expect when you're expecting' and I can't find it for the life of me! I guess I feel as if I should make myself go buy another, but...I just haven't...and won't!
I don't want you to think that these feelings are those of not being excited enough, or wanting this baby enough, because those of you who know me know that I couldn't want this baby more!
I am eating healthy, taking my vitamins, drinking my water, VERY limited caffeine. I've given up my coffee in the morning, and I love orange juice now instead.
Its just, how...and WHEN do I make myself really open my heart up and FEEL this baby inside of me! Feel what I am SUPPOSED to be feeling!
Its not LOVE that Im not feeling, it is belief!
Here I feel I have to explain myself because there might be someone who doesn't understand what I am feeling and they might think that I am not happy enough to be pregnant after so me, I am.
I just need a little help getting to the point where I too believe, just as you do, that I am going to have a baby in january!
What do I need to do? Go and BUY that cute baby item, and hang it on the wall in this room? Make myself see it every day?
Do you think that will help?
i'm seriously at a loss...

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

And this one goes out to the loser on For Love or Money...

I have to say, I watched this show on and off last season, but didn't really think it was worth my time to watch it this season. Well, it wasn't worth my time last season either! Come on, fess up...who watched it?
But, last night, at 9:30 after I kicked Dave's butt in double solitaire 2 out of 3 times, we turned on the TV.
I proceeded to watch the end of the show. I don't' know how many shows have been on so far, but there were plenty of girls left, so it must be one of the first couple shows. The thing that made me write about the horrible show was this...
The last girl to get kicked off went on and on about how she knew he'd regret this decision, and that she was the one for him. How these girls become so desperate is beyond me! She was basically BEGGING him to change his mind, and he just took the ring off her finger.
Then she went on and on about how desirable she is and that ANY man would desire her and she knows she's sweet and a great catch...blah blah blah....Desperate, yet full of yourself. Didn't know that combo existed very often.
THEN...*sniff sniff* she proceeded to cry her eyes out, dabbing ever so gently at the corner of her eyes with her tissue and told America..."This probably has to be the hardest thing I have ever had to go through" *sniff sniff*
I instantly started laughing!
THAT is the hardest thing you have every had to go through?
Meeting a stranger, having a couple 'dates' with him, nevermind the other girls around you dating him also! And then him telling you it isn't going to work is THEE hardest thing you have EVER had to go through? EVER?? I'm still in shock over this!
I mean, if that is THEE HARDEST THING she has ever gone through, she must have a pretty damn good life!
Never had a best friend move away...never had a pet die...never lost a family member...never had any sickness that was severe...Surgery?...never saw a loved one suffer, for ANY reason...never lost a job...
Then I think about all the strong women I know, and all the trials and tribulations they have gone though and I think to myself, if this is thee hardest thing she has ever gone though, she must have NO sense of reality when it comes to life.
And as great as her perfect life must seem to her, I'm glad I've had my fair share of trials to overcome, because it has made me become who I am today! A strong person, who can sit back and laugh at some woman who has no idea what life probably will throw to her once she starts out on her own. I can say I've taken my trials, and kicked their ass! (MOST of the time!)

Monday, June 07, 2004

After a full fledged freakout last night...

regarding pregnancy...being pregnant...being scared...all that jazz, I decided to be fun and change the blog around a bit.
I love this site, they really make things easy! So, if you're thinking about Blogging...give it a go!
I'm still working on it, but what do you think so far!
I did this all in a matter of about 10 minutes, and I'm not sure I totally like it. Do you think its easy enough to read?
Comments appreciated!
Until tomorrow, when I promise I'll be more upbeat and have something interesting to write about.
If I were to write today, you'd have to hear about the 20+ mosquito bites on my legs swollen feet from standing ALL day catering to a bunch of family members at a grillout we had here. Oh, and you'd have to hear about my 'freak-out', lets just say goodbye until tomorrow!

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Here's something you didn't know about me, I love LOVE to take baths!
I'd take one everynight if I could. But, its not just the BATHS I love, its the HOT water! HOT HOT! I've never been in a hot tub that I've gotten too warm in. While Dave is slowly emerging himself, I hop in and sit down.
My skin turns a lovely shade of PINK in a matter of minutes.
Yes, I LOVE hot water. I'm sure my SKIN hates hot water, but to me, it is the most injoyable thing I can do after a long day.
So the other day, I took a bath, but I of COURSE only made it warm. About 10 minutes into my bath, dave comes in and immediatly tells me to get out because it is too hot! Girls, I think he is just a wimp, because it was MUCH cooler that it usually is. I made SURE of it!
But, of course I listened to him. I hopped out right away.
Last night, after a LOOOONG day, again, I took a bath, but instead of me filling it up, I had dave fill it up. I got in, and I swear it was a joke. I was COLD! LITERALLY COLD! I only stayed in for like 5 minutes when I decided it is NO fun to take a cold bath.
Dave INSISTED that it was not cold, that it was warmer that what HE would want the water.
So, that said...I guess there will be NO MORE baths for the remainder of the pregnancy, unless it is majorly hot and a cold bath sounds nice.
I guess I cannot tell the difference between warm and HOT!! And if I can't tell the difference, I will not take the chance again.
So, instead of my hot baths, what do you suggest that I do inSTEAD for my relaxation??

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Some irrational thoughts...

Last night, I was laying in bed, and just had a bad feeling.
I've been having bad feelings in bed lately!
I just thought to myself, what if something is wrong?
My next appt isn't for another 22 days.
And then, its just with a nurse practitioner...not a doctor.
Its just the first initial physical. Just the pelvic exam etc...
I'll be almost 12 weeks.
Can you hear a heartbeat at 12 weeks?
If not? How can I wait?
And after that appt, I don't go in for another 4 weeks, and I don't get an ultrasound until 20 weeks!
What if something is going wrong RIGHT now, and I have to wait another 3 weeks to be seen.
I think of this little belly that is growing already, and wonder...what if I'm just getting FAT!
All of these things I would never have thought of if I would have never had a m/c.
With Logan, I took for granted that all that is supposed to happen WOULD indeed happen.
NOW...I'm scared to death!
I don't think I can wait 12 more weeks to see my baby again!
Totally irrational thoughts, I know, just isn't rational for those who have had a loss.
And, CHEERS to Julia! Those of you from TTCAL...go check out Julia's blog!
(Sorry Julia! I just can't keep in my excitement for you!!!!)

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Family, or lack there of...

This has nothing to do with pregnancy, or trying to get pregnant, or any of the sort.
I just had to get some things off my chest.
I was up WAY too late last night thinking about many things, things that are beyond my control....My extended family.
My Mom's side.
One good thing about becoming and adult, and starting your own family, is that you can decide when or if you want to detach yourself from certain parts of your extended family.
This all happened for me after my sweet Grandma died. 2 years and 3 months ago.
I miss her so much...STILL! Last night, I swear in my half asleep state, I could feel her hands...her soft skin.
She was the glue to our family.
Everyone loved her so much, that we all 'dealt' with each other in the few times a year we were all brought together. We put on fake smiles, hugs, the whole sha-bang!
If anything good came out of the loss of my Grandma, it was the fact that there would BE no more gatherings...we wouldn't have to see them anymore!
Our whole pretend world was in an instant...gone!
I was releived, really I was!
After the funeral, my mom gave my uncle a bunch of old pictures that my grandma gave her so that he could make copies of them for the rest of the family.
She still hasn't gotten them back.
She left 2 messages, and finally, I decided to email them. My parents are moving, and not one of her brothers or sisters knows where their new house is, so if they want to get the pictures back without giving the new location, it has to be soon!
You see, in my eyes, my mom is frail. She IS frail, but in a daughters eyes, you would do anything to help your mom not see her hurt.
My email finally got my mom a call back, and for some DUMB reason, my mom told them I was pregnant.
I wanted NONE of them to know about this pregnancy. Its not like I will see them ever again! I won't! While I might get some of thier annoying Christmas cards, I will not send them one of mine. (You might be wondering what all happened to make us feel this way...and lets just say it goes down deep! Deeper than anything that I have ever felt before...)
So NOW...they know...they all know!
I'm so upset by this!
I don't want to get fake congratulations from them.
This is all assuming that they WILL congratulate me.
Not one of them even saw me pregnant with Logan (and one of them is actually my moms next door neighbors)
No one came to my baby shower (or bridal shower mind you)
NO ONE sent me a card to congratulate me with Logan.
No one CAME to meet logan...
So, basically, what I am doing is 100% disconnecting myself from them.
In my eyes, they are no longer anyone that I am going to get my feelings hurt over.
I have a couple of wonderful Aunts and uncles from my Dad's side, and I married into the most welcoming family on my husbands side.
Dumb post, but its really been eating at me how people who are considered 'family' can be so mean...