The everyday life of a stay at home mom just trying to stay sane.

Friday, February 27, 2004

A new day full of sunshine and WARM air!
By tomorrow, it might even get into the 50's!
I can't tell you how GOOD it feels! I have spring fever like crazy! Im ready to open my windows and get the winter air OUT!
Spring is always a time for spring cleaning etc....and I just am going to use it as my time to start my new years resolution...a few months late, but hey! Late is always better than never!
It is Friday, and after today I will have worked out 4 times this week already! I took yesterday off because of the cramping, but it feels SO good! I was pudging out there a bit, but it could have also just been my period. But, my scale is almost back to normal, and I find myself looking forward to my workouts!
OK, about my HSG! All is good and clear and "cute" as the doctor told me! haha! She was so nice! So, apparently, my "cute" tubes and uterus are not the problem.
this leaves the FSH level. Crap! And double crap for the $1000 I spent in like 5 minutes yesterday.
Oh well, one more thing to dismiss and concentrate on the important things!
I'm on day 3 of the Clomid, and am suffering the constant headaches and hot flashes. Nothing I can't handle though, and then I have my 2nd blood draw on Monday. I'm PRAYING for a good FSH level. It's amazing to me to think that me at age 26 could have a diminished ovarian reserve when there are people in their 40's able to get pregnant w/o really trying!
The doctor told me yesterday, and mind you she is just a partner of my doctor, so not even my doctor, but she said that with my clear tubes but diminished ovarian reserve she believes I will start injectables next cycle. I'm fully expecting an annovulatory cycle this month because I have already taken 100mgs of Clomid 3 times and only ovulated one time on it with a low progesterone level, so I don't have much hope for this month, which is actually kind of relieving. I've been trying so hard the last 2 cycles that we are just taking the laid back approach to this cycle.
I'm not too sure about the injectables though! Luckily Wisconsin is only the 2nd state to offer a website that links you to 3 different Canada pharmacies, so hopefully we can get the meds cheaper.
Today is just a nice busy day to keep my mind off of things.
At the UW here there is a Childrens Center where the students do different research studies on childrens behavior and learning styles. We are one of the people that they call when they have studies. Today I am taking Logan in for a study where they see how toddlers react to a story read a few times in another language...who knows! But, it gets us out, and it gives them experience and it is nice to know that we are helping.
Then we are going to McDonalds to play in the playland!
An all around good morning!

Thursday, February 26, 2004

OK, now that I got that out yesterday, let me apologize if I said anything that sounded ungreatful!
I am SO greatful for my friends, and I was just having an 'off day' yesterday. to new beginnings!!!

Today is my HSG test.
I'll post later how it all went...

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

****WARNING****I'm in a grouchy mood as Im writing this, so be ready for a VENT! If you are my friend reading this, don't take anything personal, as this is where I write my feelings out, and I know that I might sound horrible in this blog, so if you don't want to hear it, please don't read it.

FHS levels are in.....10....still elevated, so the first test wasn't a fluke.
Took my first dose of Clomid today. My 7th round.....pathetic! thats what I am!!
My friend just found out she is pregnant off her FIRST round, and I just started my 7th!
Its like, how long can I just walk around with a smile on my face? Lord knows I am sick of the comments like, "but you are seeing a new doctor!!" "but you are having your HSG, so you'll learn something there!" "look at so-and-so who got pregnant the month after HER HSG!" "YOU are next" (really!! Because I think people have been telling me that for over a year now...I'm next...right), OH here is a good mom said to me, "what did YOU do wrong?" Yep! thanks! You see, my mom TOTALLY didn't mean it in a bad way, but she just has this problem where she doesn't THINK before she talks! She also said, "if you get pregnant again, you will have to be careful....REALLY careful so you don't lose it again" I very quickly and sternly told her that I did NOTHING wrong, and the fact that I miscarried was going to happen no matter how careful I was, and that I didn't appreciate the thought that I am to take any blame for it....and then I felt bad for making her feel bad!
So, yep, it basically seems that I am sick of people! Dave has this problem, and I always laugh at him! He hates people driving in cars because they drive wrong, he hates people walking because they go to slow and get in his way, he hates people on the news because they don't know what they are talking about. I always give him a hard time, but you know what? I think I FINALLY understand! I HATE people who think they have the magic answer for me. I hate people who think that by remaining positive they are doing me a favor....but you know what? I don't WANT people to sit and be positive! I want someone to sit and CRY with me! I want someone to say..."Jen...that SUCKS big time! I'm SO sorry! I know this is devistating, and I am here to do whatever I can to help" I don't want people to say, "well, at least it isn't THIS bad...etc..." because you know what?? IT IS BAD!! To ME and my husband it is! It is HORRIBLE! I don't need a pep talk, I need support!!! I DON"T need anymore of the tiptoes and pep rallies! I need REAL friends to stand up and hold my hand!
I don't want to hear the "be brave" Fuck that! I AM brave! But there is always a point where you feel like you have just been drug down a gravel road and you just need to be set free!
I don't want to hear, "just think, as soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant!" as if thats my magic answer....oh yes! I'll STOP trying to conceive! Oh yes, I'll start the adoption process, and THAT will trick my little ovaries into producing some strong egg to be released! Why didn't I think of that!

Monday, February 23, 2004

Cycle day 3.

The cramps this cycle were THEE worst I have EVER had in my life! I'm so glad they happened on a weekend so Dave could take care of Logan!
I took THREE baths yesterday just because my stomach hurt THAT bad! I promised Dave I wouldn't take anymore this week and that way it was just like I took one on Sunday/Tuesday and Thursday! haha!!
However, Thursday I may just need one.
My HSG is Thursday...THIS in 3 days!
I'm a bit hell! I'm a LOT nervous!!
But, I'm a trooper, and I'll get through it!
I had my first round of blood taken today to check my first FSH levels.
Lets hope they aren't HIGHER than the 10.4 he wasn't happy with.
I'm going to call tomorrow to find out.
My scale is going through the roof! I'm hoping it is just because of my period, but I have gained 3 lbs this week! I had to go buy a pair of 'fat pants'! I haven't bought ANY pants in the last year and a half because I keep telling myself that I am going to get pregnant! Well, enough is enough when it comes to squeezing my big ol' thighs into my skinny pants when Lord knows I am NO longer skinny! They say Clomid has a side effect of weight gain, and I think with the 2 high doses back to back, the weight gain is DEFINETLY here!
This weekend, along with the cramps, my belly bloated up into at LEAST a 6 month pregnancy size! Dave and I joked that I could take out my maternity clothes! haha! was all in fun! At least I can laugh with Dave about that! I looked 100% pregnant! And you know what? Maternity clothes would have felt NICE! But, now I have my fat pants!

Friday, February 20, 2004

I got a visit from a long lost friend last night...SPOT!

Not someone I was hoping to see!
You know, its funny! Here I am, someone who gets 2-3 periods in a whole year, and now I am on my 2nd in 2 months (NORMAL!) and I feel like, OMG! How does anyone handle getting their period EVERY STINKING MONTH?!? I love having a 4 or 5 month break in between! lol
SO, of course, I'm disapointed, BUT knowing that I am going to have some answers this month makes me SO much happier! Pain...YES! But answers don't come easy, I guess!
So, I'm going to enjoy my weekend, drink some wine, enjoy my husband and son and not think about TTC. My HSG test will most likely be Thursday. Dave can't be in there with me, and that makes me a bit sad because I seem to have more strength when he is around. It is constant radiation, so no one else can go in the room. But, I went through LABOR for crying out loud...I can DO it!
I have a lot of inner strength for some reason today!

Thursday, February 19, 2004

A Plan....

It feels so good to say that! With my old OB, it was just, "lets keep taking Clomid and see what happens" and THIS doctor says, "well, you've tried that now 6 times, and nothing has happened...lets see WHY?"
And I think that is a GREAT idea!

So, Depending when I get my period I will either have my HSG test this thursday or next thursday seeing they only do them Thursday afternoons. I'm SO nervous because I hear that it can hurt like hell! But, it will be so worth it to hear the results. I was told to take 4 200mgs of Advil about 1 hr before, so that is what I will do! The RE seems to think there is a good probability of having some sort of blockage/scar tissue causing problems due to my previous surgery to remove a cyst and my appendix, both on opposite sides.
Then, my FSH level is high, so we will check that level 2x this month to see what we can learn from there.
They RE said that after we get the results, we will decide if I should have surgery (lap) to further investigate and if there IS blockage/scar tissue he can take care of that...

OK, I know this all sounds PAINFUL, but doesn't it sound WONDERFUL that I am finally feeling like I am getting somewhere!?!? I told Dave, I think this guy could get us pregnant...if we have enough money! ha ha!

SO, now I am 14dpo's with still high temps, but my lp is usually 15-16 days, so we will see what tomorrows temp brings. And if I am not pregnant, we can get the ball rolling!

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Well, I am 12 dpo's today.
If I had to play the lottery on it, I'd bet my house and car and entire savings on me NOT being pregnant. I truely don't feel this month will be it.
I am about to go through my medical records and get them in order to take to the RE appt tomorrow. The one that I have been SO excited for coming up so soon. Now that it is here, I'm super stressed about even going!
I'm sad today.
I'm not really SAD persay, just disappointed!
The good news is is that I am responding well to 150mgs of Clomid.
The bad news is is that I am not getting pregnant!
Its hard to make sense of this, so then I started thinking about how it would be to be a single child family. There would be MANY great sides of that life! EASY traveling, Logan is over 2 now, so we can start to do MANY things that having a baby would stop us from doing. Dave and I are finally getting a little bit of us time now that Logan loves to go hang with is auntie and grandparents w/o us. We could splurge more on Logan and get him involved with things that he probably wouldn't be able to get involved in if we had another child to buy diapers for.
But then I think, will he be lonely? Will he be sad when we go on vacation and he has noone to play with? Summers...will he be bored to death?
What about all his friends who have siblings, will he envy them and then be mad at us someday?
What happens if something happens to Dave and I? He will be alone! Yes, he will have his extended family, but noone that BELONGS to him like a younger sibling would.
I'm just hoping that this doctor that I have already put on a high platform will have some answers for us, either way.
Keep your fingers crossed for us tomorrow!

Saturday, February 14, 2004


Dave did SO good with his gift of Chanel Chance perfume! YUM! It smells SO good! and it makes me feel SO good that HE thinks it smells good! haha!
We are leaving Logan with my sister from about 4-9 so we can go out and wander around and eat and just enjoy each others company!
I'm SO excited!
I am 9 dpo's today with a big old temp dip yesterday and it bounced right back up today! That COULD be an implantation dip, but who knows!

I wanted to say a bit about someone I've been thinking a lot about grandmother.
She would have been 91 this month, and this month is also the 2nd anniversary of her death. I've been thinking about her CONSTANTLY lately, and reliving some great memories, and some not so great memories of her sickness and death.
I hope she is happy and healthy in heaven, well...I know she is! And that helps SO much! It is just hard to be walking in the grocery store and see something simple like a bag of cheetos or lemon drops and my whole world stops for a minute and there I am, at her table, chit chatting about her next doctor appt or her blood pressure or the Packers or the Brewers or just about any sport that was on. She was a HUGE sports fan! Always with her sports sweatshirt on! haha! Even in the hottest summer months! :)
Gosh, she was the best grandmother ANYONE could ask for, and I only wish that she would have gotten the chance to get to know logan. He was only 3 months old when she died. He would have loved her SO much!
So Grandma...I miss you...SO much! Especially this time of year!
Happy birthday...your 91st AND your 2nd!
I love you!

Thursday, February 12, 2004

one of my real life friends has been TTC for 7 months, and has 35ish day cycles...she took her first round of clomid this cycle. I guess I kindof feel like a pro when it comes to the clomid and charting, so I offered myself to her if she had any questions. we have been emailing dailiy, and it looks like she OVULATED! I'm so happy for her!!
She is 2 dpo today, i am 7 dpo.
You see, Clomid really is a miracle drug! I could be wrong on the statistics, but I belive it goes a little something like this...
80% of those taking clomid will get pregnant in the first ovulating cycle.
out of the 20% leftover, 50% of those will get pregnant by round 3.
So, that means about 90% of people respond well and conceive by round 3 of clomid!
I'm praying that my friend is one of them!!
Then, with all my excitement, I think....well, IM not in the 90%!! You see, my health has always been a bit odd! I get the odd sicknesses, the odd problems, the kind no one wants to talk about or have happen to them...
I could get down about this, but you know what? I'm WAY too happy for my friends ovulation right now to think twice about my fertility problems!
I am 7dpo, and my appt with the RE is on Wednesday. I will be 13 dpo's. I'm hoping that I go, they do a beta test, it is positive and then I'll just have to laugh at the irony. Finding out you are pregnant at the infertility clinic. One can only dream, right?

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Yuck....I have felt awful for 3 full days now.
Sunday was the worst, as I literally didn't leave the bed for thee WHOLE day! Yesterday was a bit better, but then today I am feeling awful again!
It must be some sort of flu!
I'm so afraid Logan is going to get it.
I have told Dave of course, my mom(who can't watch Logan alone because she is too weak) and my sister...not a one of them offered a solution. which is fine, I mean, that is what being a SAHM is...being available every minute! but I just feel SO sick!
I called my doctor seeing a lot of it has to do with my stomach, and I wanted to make sure it wasn't clomid related, but of course the nurse just cut me off, told me I have the flu and made me feel like an ass. Go figure! ooooh! one more week until my RE appt! I told her that I was leaving the clinic, and do you know what she said, "good for you!!" but I think it was like, "THANK GOD!!!" Not that I am a demanding patient, but I DO call once a cycle asking questions, I call a few days after my blood work to get the results because they never call ME with the results...etc... I guess they just don't have time for that....screw em! I'm outta there!
Well, I am going to go down some tylenol, drink some water and pray the day goes by really fast.
I have NO idea what we are having for dinner! I usually make really GOOD dinners....main meal/veggie/salad etc....last night, we had TACOBELL! AHHHHHHH!!!
Although, we DID have carrots with it! lol
And I canNOT make it to the store today, so I have NO idea what we will have today!
Good think Logan doesn't care!

Friday, February 06, 2004

My Mother-in-law called today.
It was quite the conversation too....
I told my parents and inlaws recently about our infertility issues.
Then, earlier in the week we talked a bit on the phone and I was just so upset, and she could hear it.
So today, the conversation went a little like this.

"Jen, I don't get to voice my opinion very often...(lol)...and really keep out of everything...(roflol)...but as Logans grandmother, daves mother, and your mother-in-law I feel that I might have some sort of say here. (yes, about our infertility...SHE has a say!)
Ok...humor her and let her go on.

She feels that we are so young to just give up on getting pregnant again. She feels like even if we DO go into debt we will pay it off in no time because of Daves great job. She feels that we should go to the appt and do the tests, and all will work out in the end. She THEN told me how she was telling her friend about my infertility (yes...her friend!) and her FRIEND went through infertility and invitro and adoption and her FRIEND told her, "MONEY! That is why they don't want to go any further??? My family cost me 200,000 and they are worth every PENNY!!! And that was 10 years ago, and we don't have that debt anymore!!" THEN...she told me about how she was telling her MOTHER! Yep...her MOTHER! And her mother said, her own words...."well, tell them I am going to croak anyway someday soon, so they will get some money then!"
oh yes(sarcastic) this is my inlaws! For some reason, I am the topic of conversation! Its funny really, because when I miscarried, they didn't want a SOUL to know! No aunts/uncles etc....but infertility is another story! Lets tell EVERYONE!!!
She then told me that she is going to talk to Dave too because maybe it is one or the other holding the other one back.
The truth of the matter is, she is right! I agree! I DO want to go to the RE appt!! I DO want to try at least one cycle on injectables!
If money were not an issue, I'd be ALL for it!
I told dave to watch out for the phone to ring, and he got a little huffy/puffy and said we would talk more at home.
So, I guess we will talk more later!
Don't you love it when your family gets involved??

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Poor little logan is sick today with a horrible cold!
But even though he is sick, I had the BEST morning with him EVER!!!
He told me he wanted to be wrapped up like a 'little baby' (if he only knew that is what he is to me!)
so I swaddled him up, and brought him to the couch and put on Elmo's world for him. About 15 minutes later I heard snoring! he fell asleep on the couch! now...this might not SOUND too interesting, but since the day started sleeping/napping is his crib (2 months old) he has NEVER slept ANYWHERE other than his crib! I HAD to take a picture! awwww!
Then about 25 minutes later he woke up all confused and I sat and put the pillow on my lap and started rubbing his head. then I stopped, and he said, "no stop mommy! GO!" awwww! So, I sat with him laying on my lap, rubbing his head for almost an hour!
And I thought to myself, "THIS is one of the best days I've had in a long time! And THIS is what being a mommy is all about!"
I had to share that special moment in my life!

Now, we got 4 adoption packages in the mail today! go figure that I already like the most expensive one the most!!
It was neat to look at them, and will put them in a safe spot until the time comes!
I am on day 16, and while I THOUGHT I ovulated already, my temps have proven me wrong. So, maybe it is coming! I hope!! I feel like I probably will not ovulate, because it seems my body takes a break between ovulating cycles!
I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to ovulate this month!!
Dave and I are on day 6 of our dtd marathon! ha ha!
We will just have to wait and see what tomorrows temps say!

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Well, the RE is out of the question.
I called yesterday, and there is just NO way we can fork out an average of $5,000 for ONE cycle with nothing guaranteed. Well, the only thing guaranteed is that it would be financially and EMOTIONALLY VERY hard!
We don't have that kind of money!
I'm a SAHM!
I took it pretty hard yesterday, and kindof had a little breakdown. I was too upset to even cry. I finally did what I have wanted to do for a LONG time. I made an appt with a counselor. Someone who I CAN cry to and tell how unfair I feel my life is at the moment.
Dave was a little shocked at first, but is very happy I had the courage to make the appt.
I go in tomorrow morning.
So, my sister, when I told her about the $$ and having to cancel the appt said that if Dave and I needed some time tonight to talk, she'd watch and feed Logan.
We took her up on it. I spilled my guts and we actually had a WONDERFUL conversation about adoption.
We have decided that we will wait out this month and next month and then go for it! 2 months! Dave told me to call some places today and get information packages sent out to us.
I'm amazed!
I told him that when HE feels ready, I'm already ready! How wonderful it was to be on the same page about something so life changing!
So, here I am at day 14...with a possible ovulation coming up, and we are dtd everyday until my chart clearly shows that I have ovulated. Thats all we can do, the rest is up to God.
So, today I will call adoption agencies and had them send out some info!

Monday, February 02, 2004

Its a good day!
Although, the coffee is keeping me awake, thats for sure!
I had a great weekend, VERY calm and relaxing!
Did a little shopping for Logan......its always Logan! lol
Enjoyed Daves company, and we started our exercise program!
I did 30 min on the treadmill yesterday to start my 12 week program to get me ready to jog this spring. It felt GREAT!! Granted, it was walking/running...but I felt SO good!
My parents are moving!!
I'm really excited about it! they are moving 2 1/2 MILES from my house! It will be so nice! It is a condo, well, a duplex actually, but it is in a neighborhood of duplex condos. It is BEAUTIFUL!! Ranch, so my mom can actually walk to all the rooms. She won't have to go up/down stairs everyday! It will be SO nice for her! And they don't have to mow/shovel/landscape etc....
it will be such a positive move for them.
ESPECIALLY to move away from being next door neighbors to my grandma's old house. the house my mom grew up in.
That will be hard, but she has been gone for 2 years now, and it is time!
It is snowing out today, a possible 3-5 inches, so Logan and I am going to lounge ALL day in our sweats and have a wonderful day!
Today, I am HAPPY! :)