Refreshing

My little company was featured in a local state magazine this month with an interview, pictures and everything. I'm actually even happy with the picture of me, which rarely happens. It was quite a compliment.
When I was doing research on the magazine, I saw that they were doing an article about infertility coming up this summer.
I immediately emailed the editor, because hey, we all want to be published, right?

I asked how they delegate their articles, and if they by chance took submissions. I told her that I thought that adding a section on secondary infertility would be nice, as many articles on infertility talk only of primary infertility. I thought both sides should be talked about.
No dice on the submission, but she would pass on my contact info to the freelance writer in charge of the story.

A month or so later, I got an email asking if I would be interested in being interviewed for the article.

I thought long and hard about it. Would I want to be the person in the article telling her story about secondary infertility when I didn't even go through IVF? Even though my odds were in the gutter, and it was a stroke of luck that I ovulated the month we were moving forward with IVF?
I still went through a horrible time, and it is a part of my life story.
Would people suffering primary infertility read this article in distaste? What if my family read it, would I be comfortable with that? (My family knew, but it was kept at a distance)
Would I be comfortable with the fact that everyone who reads this magazine would know that we had a miscarriage and took fertility drugs?
I asked some girlfriends for advice and the response was unanimous. I had to do it.

So, on Tuesday (and yes, I wanted to blog about this ALLLLL week) Dave took the kids to the mall for dinner and I sat patiently waiting for my interview.
I jotted down notes. I read past entries of my blog wishing I would have started earlier in my journey. I wanted to make sure that I prefaced that I am not 'blessed' or I didn't have a 'miracle' that those who haven't been successful were unable to get. Also, that my whole heart goes out to those suffering primary infertility. (I AM blessed, but I also know that that is not what those going through primary infertility want to hear, because THEY should be blessed too...here here!)
She duly noted my request and promised that she was not going to make me into someone who was up on the roof with my arms in the air praising the Lord for my miracle conception.

After that initial 'get the rules straight', she just let me talk. I didn't know what to say or where to start. I sort of mumbled in the beginning as I paced around my kitchen and living room. A habit that I have. It is impossible for me to talk on the phone and sit on a chair. I must be moving at all times. Around and around I go.

Soon after I started talking, it just was easy. I told my 'story'. She was typing in the background. She would interrupt occasionally with the 'let me catch up here, one second' and an occasional 'wow'. She let me go on and on and really listened.
She said the most powerful thing that I said was, "You're sitting there with the child you are so lucky to have, yet all you can do is think about the one you don't have."
I'm not proud of this quote. But I also know that I didn't deprive Logan of any happiness. He was obviously clueless as we started all of this when he was 9 months old.

After I was done, she asked a few questions, and the subject turned to two couple friends she has. One suffered primary infertility, the other didn't. The two were best friends. Infertility drove them apart, and they are nothing more than strangers to this day.
I get that.
I lost a friend in the infertility/HELLP depression.
I've recently thought about reaching back, but I'm ashamed of who I was then. I was bitter, angry and royally sucked at being a friend. She also was a bit rough around the edges having to endure horrible preterm labor-twins born at 30 weeks.
We have been changed by our experiences.

Then, she asked me a question that I thought was funny.
"Do you want your real name used?"

Yes, I did.

Project outside living

I love the idea of using the grill most nights and eating outside.
Kids get done eating and run off to play in the sandbox while the adults kick back and enjoy the relaxing evening.

I've always looked forward to the time when I could start doing that almost stress free.
I think that will be next year. (the stress free part)
This year, we still have to stand behind Miles while he climbs up the ladder to the slide.
He still needs help in his swing.
BUT, he's a master at digging for dinosaur bones in the sandbox.

This year however, I'm going to start.

I've been thinking about what we can grill besides your basic chicken/burgers/hot dogs/brats/kabobs on the grill.
Pizza came to mind, and that's easy enough. Then there are panini's.

I'd love some suggestions on to what we can make that will be easy on the grill.
Dave thinks he's a grill master, so I'll let him be in charge of the cooking.

We don't eat red meat like steaks or roasts. Well, Dave would love it, but he's the only one.
Does anyone have any ideas of some good grill food?
Or a website made strictly for grilling?
Or Merritt? (My cooking idol)

Another bad shoe day

I don't know if you remember when I blogged about caving and buying Logan velcro shoes.
I hate those shoes.
I can't wait until they are outgrown.
Logan on the other hand thinks they are thee best shoes ever!

The thing is, he just doesn't have the coordination yet to learn to tie, and I must admit it is nice that he can put them on alone.
Summer is coming, and it's the time for new summer shoes for both boys.
My boys have such issues with sandals.
They hurt their feet and give them blisters. Logan tried flip-flops last year...for one day...or maybe 1 hour. They were not for him. I completely understand this as last year was my first year that I actually made myself deal with flip-flops.

Now that the sun is shining more, the neighbors have been outside ready to play.
We have one neighbors that have a 7 1/2 yr old boy and 5 1/2 yr old girl. The 3 of them are best friends all summer long.
They both were sporting new shoes.
Crocs.
I.hate.crocs.

OK, let me rephrase that. I don't HATE crocs, but I don't care for crocs on adults. Unless you're a nurse or vet. Then it's OK.
Logan LOVED them.
And I love the fact that they are waterproof and can go from the sprinkler to the swimming pool to the grass and in the house with no problems.

Yesterday we went 'croc' shopping.
Logan is now sporting a pair of navy blue (ugly ass) crocs and Miles is sporting a new pair of army green camo crocs.
At least it's better than the neon red and highlighter yellow ones they wanted to begin with.
And of course both kids wanted to wear them to bed because "they are COOL mom!"
Fortunately they were OK with the fact that the new crocs slept at the foot of the bed so that when morning came they could just pop their little feet inside.


Did you know crocs made you run faster and jump higher. Apparently they do, or so says Logan!

How did they do it?

I'm thinking back to my Grandmother's time. She was a mom of 6. Her husband died when the kids were still young, and she had to go back to work full time.

I think of women back at that time. The literally WORKED from sun up to sun down. Laundry by hand, hang dry, gardening, cleaning and cooking and baking all day.
It seems there are so many distractions during my day.

I have full intentions to put away all the clothes, iron Dave's shirts, organize my Body Shop stuff and then make a good healthy dinner.
Why does that not happen?

Entering: this is OUR family and OUR house and we'll work together to make it organized.
My fear about raising my kids is that they'll be lazy and expect mom to do it all.
It's already that way. Logan won't willingly clean his room or th eplay room. He won't willingly take care of his things.
I'm coming up with a family plan.
Logan will have his daily duties, Miles will have his (as much as he can) and DAVE will have his and then perhaps I won't feel as if the house, my job and the family are all my responsibility!

I'd love to hear how this works in your house.
Granted, Miles won't be able to DO much, but I thought he could:
Put his clothes in the hamper every morning and night
Put his books away in his room (he 'reads' a LOT)
Pick up his toys WITH us helping.

Logan can:
Clothes in hamper
room clean
clean counter in bathroom after teeth brushing. (Is it just my kid that gets toothpaste ALL OVER THE SINK? I don't' get it!?!?!)
Dishes over to the sink (he does this now)
Feed the fish

I hate charts and stickers and all that crap, but I think I'm going to have to go with it and make the kids a chart.
Maybe an allowance might come into play? But not as payment for chores, but as a contribution to the family??
Anyone have any suggestions?

babies and blahs

Miss Simone is off having her baby!
Ack!
SOO exciting!
Can't wait to hear what baby monkey is!!

You know how you love someone so much and you don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but sometimes you have to?

Dave is off in the southern half of the country where there is currently NO snow. Grr about my snow.
He took a major test today.
He's tried to pass it a few times now.
It's insanely hard.
The compare it to the law boards.
Only about 10,000 people in the whole world have this cert.
I talked to him today.
He felt so-so about it.
Better than the last few times.
He thinks he passed.

The results were still not online when he went to bed (he's an hour ahead and has to get up at 4am tomorrow to go to the airport).
He told me how to log in because I'm nosey like that.

The results are up now.
He failed.

I'm so bummed for him.
He just needed this so bad, you know?
I can't call him because it's 11:06 to him right now, but I wish he was here so I could tell him in person so I could look into his eyes and he could vent his frustration.
I hope he doesn't decide not to keep trying.
But then again, how many times can you try without feeling like the ass of the group? That's how he's feeling EVEN THOUGH not a single one in the group has this cert. It's 'expert' level. He'd be the only one.
It's INSANELY hard.

Ugh! So, I opened a beer and am bumming alone for Dave who is sound asleep thinking he passed.
:(

Nee-ner Nee-ner

OK, so I've mentioned before just how much I love having boys.
Logan is my lovey dovey boy.
He's always calling me beautiful, pretty and tells me he loves me a million times a day. (And that of course makes me feel like he's going to be a darn good husband! Although he tells me he's going to marry me.)
After he tells me he loves me, he tells me how good it makes him feel to say that.
I LOVE having boys. (I'm sure girls are just as great)

So, I did a little shopping last week and bought a summer dress that I was just unsure of.
I told Dave that I wanted to try it on and get his honest opinion.
I walked in the bathroom where Logan and Miles were in the tub and Dave was the target of splashing.
"Um...I don't like it. Where do you plan on wearing it? Is it a gardening dress? It looks like you're thinking...'I'm going to pretend to be a cute gardener this year' Look at those big pockets for your tools!"

OK, got it. Dress will go back.
Then, Logan says, "Mom! I LOVE it. You look great!"
And of course I thanked him and told him that that made me feel really special.
As I was turning around to leave, I saw Logan STICK HIS TONGUE OUT at Dave when Dave wasn't looking!
My jaw dropped and I tried not to burst out laughing.
I think someone is pining for my attention? What do you think?
Nee-ner Nee-ner, you told mom she looked silly and then I told her she looked great!

Anticipation

Last week, the kids and I were doing our weekly grocery shopping when all of a sudden we hear on the loud speaker,
"Hey kids! This isn't for the parents, so parents stop listening! Kids, on Saturday morning the Easter Bunny is going to hide over 2000 eggs here! We're giving prizes away and even free donuts and juice to make it easier for your parents to roll out of bed. You won't want to miss it!"

"2000 EGGS!?!?! We're totally coming!!"

And so all week we talked about 2000 eggs.
All week long we counted the days until Saturday.
All week long we told as many people as we could about 2000 eggs.

Last night we were reminded about just how EARLY it was going to be if he really did want to go.
We'd probably have to set our alarms for 6:30. (Logan sleeps until 7:30 75% of the time)
That was A-OK with him.

So, last night I reminded him that I'd be waking him up early and he promised he'd already be awake. ;) Daddy was all set to take him while I stayed home with Miles.

When the alarm went off and I realized that I was warm in my bed and neither kid was awake it was really hard to get up.
I sneaked into Logan's room and he was sleeping so sweet, both arms under his head.
When he felt my hand on his chest he popped open his eyes to look at the clock and then sat right up all ready to get dressed and head out.
He has NEVER moved so fast in the morning in his life.

So, as I sit here listening to Miles complain about the breakfast he asked for, Logan is in Easter Egg heaven! I can't wait to hear all about it!

Dreams

It's so strange where our mind will go when we have no control over it.
I've always been one to remember my dreams.
I remember learning once about lucid dreaming, and I thought that would be super cool. Since then, I take note each morning of my dreams. Sometimes I cringe, sometimes I blush, but many times they are just routine things I do in my life. Yeah, even in my dreams I'm not that exciting.

In the last month or so, I've been dreaming of my extended family.
I know I've mentioned in the past my 'feuding family'.
Of course, families that are 'feuding' have quite the stories.
Usually they go on their normal daily activities and only hate each other when they have to see each other.
MY family on the other hand shared a yard with our other half of the feud.
The thing was, it was an adult feud, and it had nothing to do with the kids in the family.
I had cousins close to my age, and we were best friends. We played together every day, all the way through high school. I even rented an appt with one of them. Yep, that ended in our own feud, but you can see that all through our lives, us kids tried hard not to let our parents mistakes affect our lives.
Well, fast forward 10 years and I don't talk to any of them, ever.
There are 4 cousins, and 2 are men and quite a bit older.
The other 2 women, my BEST friends growing up are no where on my radar.
Now, I have seen one of them in the past year, a couple times actually, but it was weird, and she was weird and she didn't say a word about the fact that I had kids with me...uh, MY kids which I have no idea if she even knew I had. Yeah, there was no congratulation card sent.
The problem with feuding adults when there are children in the picture is that while there is no intent to involve the children, children are involved.
Children are smart!
While we were young, we'd visit my aunt and uncle on holidays and then come back to my parents. My parents wouldn't come with.
We'd see all our other aunts and uncles arriving for the big she-bang, but we'd be at home, watching through the window.
When we'd go for our mandatory quick visit, we'd see all the presents our cousins got from our aunts and uncles. My brother and sister and I would never get any.
So, of course, as we got older it affected us.
We stopped going to visit.
We started getting bitter.
Why wouldn't the aunts and uncles visit US as well.
It was then that I decided that I would make our holidays special, even if it was just a small group because there was too much hurt in the eyes of myself as a child.

WELL, back to my dreams...
I've probably had 5 or more dreams in the past month about my extended family.
Except, it's today. We're all adults, and we're all still so bitter.
It always winds up that we're hanging out with our cousins and then the phone rings and my sister answers it. It's my aunt telling my sister to send back 'her girls' because the party is about to start. She looks out the window and sees all of our family (minus my immediate family of course) standing in the yard waiting for the 2 girls to come home.
My sister loses it, tosses the phone to my older cousin and starts crying and tells her "YOUR family is waiting for you."
Then, the girls stand up and walk out without looking back.

I know it sounds silly, but it's as if all the time growing up and saying "we'll NEVER become our parents!" meant nothing and really, we did become our parents.
I thought I had purged all of these guilty feelings out of my system, but my dreams have reminded me that I haven't. And the guilt is another silly emotion, because I have nothing to feel guilty about. I was a beautiful child as was my brother and sister and we deserved the love that we didn't get. But guilt is funny like that.
I feel like I'm still that little girl looking under the Christmas tree and not seeing my name.
It's just SO silly, and I'd like to believe that I've risen above my youth.
I'm a mom, a wife and have a great relationship with my family, as well as Dave's family.
But obviously, something is still inside of me trying to get out.
I just wish it would stop because I'd rather dream about something a little more uplifting! :)