This is a message that I never thought I'd be able to write.
Something that I saw only in my dreams.
Something that I saw everyone else get, but didn't 'see it in the stars' for me.

I'm PREGNANT!

I always wondered what would happen if/when I found out I was pregnant for the third time. Would the world stop for the minute or two and celebrate with me? Would I scream/cry/sob? Laugh? be stunned?

What REALLY happened, was complete and utter disbelief. I saw a shadow of a line. DEFINETLY there, just not as dark as I had hoped. I knew I was only 11 dpo's though.
I felt like my heart was goign to drop out of my chest. I was actually in the shower, while it was slowly taking its time. I looked at it every 10 seconds it seemed. I wanted to yell to dave who was in bed, but I didn't want to wake up Logan!
When I told him, we BOTH didn't believe it!
So, off I went to get a blood test, all along, TRYING to tell myself that if it was negative that would be OK because I WAS excited to do IVF!
BUT, when the phone rang some hours later, I could tell by the voice of the nurse before she even told me!
I was pregnant!

Sitting there eating snack with Logan, she told me that my beta was 77, and then she said, "dr pritts is just looking at your progesterone, wait..." and I heard in the background Dr Pritts saying, "Its AWESOME!"
My beta AND progesterone levels are "AWESOME"!

I did a little dance with Logan, who really only wanted to get back to his fruit snacks! lol
I just felt my tummy, and told my BABY to hold on for the ride, because I PROMISED I'd be a good mommy to him/her! I promised I'd love him/her every minute I had left on this earth.
I think he/she heard!

I prayed to God quite a bit thanking him with all my heart for this MIRACLE!
Because, that is exactly what it is...a miracle!
BOTH of my children will be complete miracles!

I feel like the good Lord is smiling down at me today, and telling me, "see...I told you it would happen, I just had to pick when"

We told Daves parents last night, and everyone cried. They toasted with an old bottle of wine, and Logan and I toasted with orange juice! Even ME, the wine lover passed that wine up without a second thought! The orange juice I shared with my little logan was the best!
Everyone was in disbelief!
Hugs/tears/questions.....
it was great!

Logan told us he wants a brother, but then today he changed his mind...he wants a sister. Now, he has no idea what either of them are! lol

I know I have a chance of m/c-ing again, but you know what? I really REALLY don't think it will happen this time!
I'm SO confident in the Lord, and my pregnancy...so, I need you all to say a quick prayer to whomever your God is, to let me keep this baby.

I'm a little in shock, aww, who am I kidding, I couldn't be in any more shock, but I just really wanted to say a huge thank you for all of you who read my blogs. You mean so much to me by staying connected in my life.
Its amazing how special you actually are to me, being as if I've never met 99% of you! lol
Raise your glass in celebration of this little miracle growing inside of me!

so, you might be wondering where I've been and why I have been so boring lately!
WELL...honestly, I'm trying to keep myself sane during the 2ww.
We've been doing landscaping, and I've gotten to use the 'dave, I *might* be pregnant, so I can't lift anything' excuse a LOT! haha!
Our yard is starting to look nice, I've planted some potted plants, and am ever so anxiously waiting for my mail ordered plants to start to arrive.
After I plant my 2 flowerbeds, then I can move onto the vegetable garden!
This is my favorite time of they year!
Oh...so, you also might want to know whats going on with me and symptoms.
Well, I kindof have a lot.
bloating, gas, HUNGER, kindof sore breasts (maybe from pushing too hard to see if they hurt ;)
oh, and I got a wonderfully positive OPK today!
I've heard you can detect pregnancy with them, but who really knows.
I'm 10dpo's today.
Too early to test, so I'll haveto just wait and see what happens later in the week.
I'm really hopeful, but, I guess I always am.
Keep those fingers crossed!

So, I know this is about my infertility struggles, but for tonight, I'm just going to write about something that is making me sad...

When I went to college, I lived in a co-ed dorm 1 mile off of campus. We kindof had to fend for ourselves, and really were different from the rest of the campus.
I met some of the best friends I've EVER had, and I also know that I will never meet friends as good as the ones I made my freshman year.
Oddly enough, except for one girl, they were all guys! I big group of them! They were totally my protectors, and always watched my back. You know the rare kind that would hold my hair back on the long party nights when I had too much to drink...the kind that after a long night, we could fall asleep in the same bed, and no one would think anything sexual was going on. The kind that was use me as a decoy when someone was hitting on them and they didn't want them to come around. So, I was kindof looked at as quite the bitch from many women in my dorm. You see, my friends...they are rather good looking, and LOTS of girls thought I was going from one to another to another! Little did they know, they listened to me cry, they took me to the doctors, they came home with me and visited with my parents.
Later in life, one of them were even in my wedding, and all the rest were in the pews watching!
I haven't seen ANY of them in over 2 yrs.
So sad to admit that! But, having a child really pulls you from the world they live in. Partys, Bars, hangovers...I'd rather change a dirty diaper these days!!!
So, one of my friends, just recently got married. It was an arranged marraige in India. He always referred to me as his 'bebe' (I think it was the wiskey that made him think of that name! and...it stuck!)
Anyway, he is having a big grand reception. ALL of my old friends will be there!!! I am so excited I can hardly contain myself!!
It will be a night I will probably NEVER forget.
You may be wondering why on earth this would make me sad...
well, the thing is, it is on mothers day weekend......
MOTHERS DAY WEEKEND!
The holiday that is most sacred to me! I'd rather celebrate it than my birthday, new years and 4th of july put together!
I have plans!
Get woken up by my sweet Logan...make breakfast...sit together in our jammies...maybe go to church...soak up all the hugs and kisses and snuggles I can get!
Now, if I go to this wedding, I won't get home until noon, and that is if we get up bright and early to leave.
THEN, Logan naps at 12:30ish...sometimes for 2 hrs.
I guess that leaves a mothers day lupper? linner? Freaking SNACK!
I'm really going to try to plan something (yes...I have a husband who, while he THINKS he is trying, will think of something last minute JUST to think of something! OR...he'll ask me..'did you have something planned?' GRRRRRR!)
Anyway, I'll plan something like a mothers day picnic DINNER? Does that sound fun?
I just am sad that Logan will be waking up at his grandma's house that morning, instead of at home, with his mommy! :(

'I think I can (be pregnant)'
'I think I can (be pregnant)'
'I think I can (be pregnant)'

Hey! It worked for the little train right? If it can work for a TRAIN, It can work for a real life PERSON, right?
No, actually, I reread my blog from last night, and I laughed at my optimism!
It must have been from my delierious state of only getting 3 hrs of sleep the night before, because I'm REALLY not that optimistic!
I TOTALLY lied when I said that the 2ww was going to go by fast!
If I'm 2 dpo's...can I have any symptoms!!!! :o) ;)

Whew!
Since the positive OPK on Friday, we got in 3 good tries!!
Now, I've basically decided, I'm pregnant!!
How could I not be!
Girls I had the EWCM from GOD!! I swear, he was saying...I'm am going to make sure you DON"T miss this! So, how noticable can I make it!
God...I noticed! TMI~(fellow TTC'ers....the 10 inches of 'stretch' DID appy here! Ewwwwwwwww!)
I swear, the sperm COULD have lived for not only 5 days, but more like 10!! haha!
Seeing I was on the Clomid, I always had NOTHING as far as EWCM!
Woo hoo!
The next two weeks SHOULD go by pretty fast, because, while I KNOW I'm pregnant, I'm just not ready to fully admit that! Can I say that? I know I am, but I don't know that I am!
I could have stared at the positive OPK for HOURS! In my own little abstract mind, I just saw it and imagined what it would have been like if it were a HPT? I imagined how I would react, what Dave would say...my parents! As I was staring, Dave asked what I was doing, and all I could say was, 'isn't it PRETTY!!!'
I haven't seen 2 lines on ANY kind of stick in many MANY of months!
I'm such a loser!
Good news is, it didn't make me in the least bit sad!
And honestly, if I AM not pregnant, i'm kindof excited about the IVF! I really am! I'm excited to learn everything, and be in the drivers seat!
(and you ALL better remind me that I said this once the multiple daily injections begin!)

So now my only complaint of the day is...ALIAS and 24 are on at the same time tonight! in 10 minutes!!!
How could they put my 2 favorite shows on at the same time!
Happy Sunday! :)

I'm sitting here as anxious as can be!
I got a POSITIVE OPK today!
AND I'm not on any medications to make me ovulate, so this is just a miracle!
I have more EWCM today then I have in over a year, I'd bet!
Theres no clomid in my system...nothing!
All this while I am waiting for monday for my first IVF phone consult!
Do you think it could happen?
ME...get pregnant while we are sitting it out waiting to begin IVF?
nah! I'm not that lucky!
But OMG! I am just SO anxious!
I have a call into my RE to see if there is anything I can do, (take estrogen for my lining...is it too late for that?....progesterone?...IUI today or tomorrow?.....)
Cross EVERY possible thing you can that this saves us the undertaking of IVF!!!!!
God has a plan! Maybe this is it?

So, today I'm a bit bummed.
After doing research on the IVF clinics, it seems like with my MIL's schedule, Daves schedule and the clincs schedule, it is going to be a longer wait then anticipated...:(
Jan will watch Logan while we travel, but she is gone all but maybe 10 days out of June...so that blows that month. Dave said he COULD TRY to move a big project in the beginning of July to the end of July, but then Jan is gone the last week of July, so it would all depend on which dates the important things would take place. Then august, we are 100% open....the one clinic isn't cycling in August....:( :( :( :( :( :( :(
That brings us to September...I don't want to wait that long.
I'm sad today! I feel like we have made this decision, so things should just come together and work for us...not AGAINST us!
I read a message posted on one of my boards today with just the simplist phrase 'I could snuggle with him all day' talking about a baby....and that tiny little phrase just HIT me like a ton of bricks and has affected my mood all day.
My friend pregnant with twins (the one that our friendship has seriously gone wrong after my honest talk I had with her, but that we both send one liner emails just to feel like we're not the one abandoning each other {rolling eyes}) told me about her 10 week ultrasound and how she saw the legs moving and the arms waving and how awesome it was.
Yes, I'm sure it was...quite sure.
Yet, it has me sitting here jealous, and mad at myself for being jealous.
Today just isn't a winning day for me.

So, my friend calls me today and almost immediatly into the conversation she starts on about how she's not sure she is done having kids etc...and how she thinks she wants one more, but that she'll have to try talking her husband into it. Or, she said, she'd just 'get pregnant' and he'd have to deal with it.
So, she was going on and on about it, and then she said, well, if I do get pregnant, I will get pregnant in August.
I kindof chuckled at the thought of someone getting pregnant the month they decided on it, although that did happen with our angel baby. And when I asked why August, she said in a rather heated tone, 'that way all my maternity clothes will still be in the right season, and the kids clothes will all be in season no matter if it is a girl or a boy. (April and June babies)
She said she'd like to give birth May 18th to be exact.
Wow! Thats a lot of power to have, don't ya think?
At this point, I was a little perturbed by my friend to think that she thought that I'd like to sit and listen about how she knows that she can con her husband into getting pregnant by accident, know the exact month she'll get pregnant (and...she probably will) and then go on to tell me what day she even wants her baby born (which, with her luck, she'd probably get that wish too) all while I am getting inturrupted on my IVF clinic search.
But, I went on to listen to all her thoughts, because I'd love to be able to ramble those thoughts to someone myself (although she has many 'fertile' friends that would love to join in the conversation, while I can only grunt, groan, and make other noises at her thoughts)
She then goes on to say that if she doesn't have another, she is going to put her youngest in daycare when he is 4yrs old (he is just 3). Not for the reasons you might think, not because she wants him to learn how to interact...not because she thinks he'll learn more for kindergarden...not because they can't financially afford for her to continue working part time at home.
The reason she would put her youngest in daycare is because, and I quote 'I could NEVER stay home with only one child! It'd drive me crazy! now, they both entertain each other(3 and almost 5)! I'd be so bored! NO WAY!' all while I am sitting watching MY ONLY child play happily with his new scooter the Easter bunny brought him. So, then, I started thinking about how she must think my day is just SOOOO boring!
And you know what? I chuckled to myself, and thought, if she only knew how wonderful it is staying with 'only one child' if she didn't look at it as staying home with 'only one child'. Every day Logan and I spend together...all day...just builds that bond closer and closer, and tighter and tighter.
I'd NEVER give up our days together just because I thought I'd be bored.
But...to each their own.
Now, as I'm starting in my venture of IVF, I hate to say it, but it is going to KILL me if my cycle fails, and she goes on to get pregnant in August with her 3rd.

Well, I just wanted to hop on quick and type before the craziness of the holidays begin.
I'm just making my list to head to the grocery store. Both sets of grandparents are coming over for breakfast tomorrow. I have to put together Logans easter basket too.
I made some YUMMY Rhubarb cinnamon bread already (and have eaten about a quarter of one loaf! OOPS!)

Updates on me...we've told our parents. And, they are SUPER supportive! Daves dad even said something I'll never forget...'you are both great parents, and you deserve to be great parents to another child'....it was so nice to hear!
So...we're still researching and gather info. We're still SUPER excited to begin!
We're hopeful it will work!

So, until we sign up somewhere, we're just living by the moment! Fly by the seat of our pants! lol
Living life to the fullest!

HAPPY EASTER!!!

FULL SPEED AHEAD!

Its official! After a couple of drinks, and many tears last night, Dave and I came up with a plan.
IVF is a go!
We are GOING to do it!
There is no question anymore!
We are going to give it our all, and visualize happy positive things and pray it works!!!
We are going to do our lab work soon, and also are calling different hosptials to see what their prices are. We have found 2 really great clinics whos prices are cheaper, but we'd have to travel. One to Chicago...no big deal! And one to Pennsylvania...a little bit more of big deal there! But, if we save thousands....we'll DO it!

IVF...I NEVER thought I would have to do IVF. But, maybe its the adrenalin of coming up with a plan, but I think I feel kindof blessed. How many women get to learn SO much about their body, their reproductive cycle, their SOUL etc...not many! I will be actually giving myself multiple shots, all the time visualizing my new baby. Most women just hop in bed and 2 weeks later get a positive HPT.
I'm amazed that God thinks that I can handle it, but you know what! I think I CAN!

I'm excited and can't wait to get the ball rolling!!!!

Prayers, good thoughts, whatever you can muster up...send them over!

To DO IVF or to NOT do IVF.....

Basically, my chances are not good.

IUI/Injectables....a whopping 3-5% on the high end.
IVF....25-30% with a price tag of $20,000 for ONE cycle. 25% at 20,000 doesn't really sound like a smart idea, does it?

But my husband wants to try so hard, and I guess, I want to try it to, just so I know for SURE if it would work or not.

I said to DAve, 'if we do it, we could only do it once' and HE said...'if we are going to do it ONCE, we might as well do it TWICE!" WTF?

20,000 vs 40,000! YIKES!

I honestly have NO idea what we are going to do, so, I'll continue to research and continue to medicate my headaches with some tylenol.

So, today I did something that I never do. I went out...all day...shopping with my sister...ALL day!
We bought new swim suits, and my sister has more money than I do! lol and she bought 5 pair of capri's! I was so jealous!
You know the type...5'8", 117 lbs. She barely has to try on ANYTHING because it looks perfect on her anyways. Its kindof depressing as I'm fitting my large ass into a swimsuit!
BUT, good news is is that I found one I THINK I like!
We had lunch together and even stopped and got a couple drinks together!
Something I COULDN'T do if I were pregnant right?
So, yeah, I'm feeling a little sad for myself at the moment.
Nothing that won't pass...I promise!
Just a little sad.
Just a little jealous.
Just a little baby-hungry.
But it will pass!
only 2 more days until we have a plan!
A real plan!
And dammit! If I'm spending thousands of dollars on injectables, it better damn well work!!!! RIGHT!!!!!!!
if you pray, just say a little prayer for my ovaries! haha! Tell them to get their shit together and produce ONE good egg!!! ONLY one! I'm not greedy! I only need one!!!

My appt is in 4 days!
FOUR days!
The appt that I have been waiting for with bated breath is in FOUR days!
Its hard to stay focused because I am just so anxious!
Excited anxious though!!!

Well, Logan is now a BIG BIG boy and out of the crib and in his toddler bed, GREAT right??? Well, that also means a LOT less sleep for EVERYONE in the family! 5:30am is now is wake up time! {YAWN}
so unfortunatly, I don't really have the brain power to write much more than this! haha!
We are about to go visit Grandpa (my dad) who works for the highway department here. He is not too far away working with big 'equiptment' that Logan will just LOVE! Whatever a backhoe is, we are off to see it!
Hopefully we can get a bit worn out so we can take a REGULAR long nap this afternoon! I'd like to exercise and also nap!!! {ANOTHER YAWN!}