Am I the only one who ever feels this way

Lately I've had the itch to pack up and get out of here. (When I say 'I', I mean my entire family-not just me)
Every so often, I get to the point where I'm sick of 'here'.
I'm sick of the same people I see every day. I'm sick of the same stores, the same restaurants, the same everything.
I'm sick of my house, I'm sick of my yard, I'm sick of the wind that I feel EVERY SINGLE DAY. (It's ALWAYS windy here. I hate it)
I'm sick of the same boring chit-chat I feel obligated to say to some of my neighbors.
I am sick of having neighbors SO close.
I'm sick of the fact that I can't do anything in my yard without having a conversation about it later in the day with a neighbor.

I know that if I move anywhere, all these feelings will eventually come and get me again.
I think I'm meant to be a mover.
I've been in this state all but one year of my life. And when I say state I should say a 20 minute circle.
I grew up 20 minutes (actually probably LESS) from my current house.
But being a mover isn't so good for the kids, huh?

I think I'm getting that 'life is SO short' feeling and wonder sometimes if I'll regret staying here forever.
But what will I regret more, staying here forever or taking the kids away from their grandparents.

And that is the end of my babble. Contine on.

I'll get you, my pretty!

I've had a major drive to find a family physical activity that we can all look forward to. One that we can all do, and one that doesn't include tossing a football back and forth. You see, that might be fun for 3/4's of my family some day, but we all know the 1/4 is the most important part.
Seeing Miles isn't quite 1 1/2 yrs old yet, this has been difficult.
The boy hates this stroller.
Did I tell you about the time where he literally climbed out the bottom when I stopped for 20 seconds?
How about the time where he screamed like he was being tortured the entire mile block walk we did.
Yeah. Walking isn't going to work.
We bit the bullet and bought Logan a pedal trailer to connect to Dave's bike and Miles a bike seat connected to mine.

I'm happy to say, it passes Miles happy test.

While he may not show it, I think he loves it.
Or maybe I"m just thinking because I'm TELLING him to say 'Whee!!" and he is, that he likes it. (Well, it's more like ooooeeeee)

So off we've gone, every night this week on a 4-5 mile ride. Zipping through new neighborhoods, dreaming of new houses.

I foresee state parks and bike trails. I foresee riding our bikes to t-ball or out to breakfast.
Or maybe I'm just in dreamland, but even so, I think I found something that Miles likes!! That in itself is a means for celebration!!

Addiction

I like to think I have pretty good willpower when it comes to food and sweets.
I have a major sweet tooth and the more chocolate something has in it, the more I like it.
I'll ALWAYS have a treat if one is offered to me, but usually I'm good at eating a proper amount.
When Dave buys us each a pint of icecream, his is gone in 2 settings. I usually take 2 bites a night until it's gone. BTW~right now I'm eating 'Half Baked' Ben and Jerry's. It is AMAZING!!
unfortunately I found something that even I can't control.
Reduced Fat Oreo's.
I laugh when people take the lower fat items and then eat double.
'They have NO willpower' I think to myself.
The problem I'm finding is that I can't just eat 3 of them like the serving size says.
I try. I take them away and tell myself I'm not going back. Something that I can't control takes me back to them.
I.must.never.buy.these.damn.cookies.again.

But, the good news is, they are reduced fat, right?

There is no one quite as comfortable as mom

Miles is in the midst of outgrowing his morning nap.
If you've done this before, you know that this means about a week or two of a VERY unhappy baby mid morning.
That's what we're doing this week, want to come play?
Saturday here was SO beautiful. I did a little plant shopping and then planting.
The sun was on my shoulders.
My mood was lifted sky high.

Our inlaws told us they'd keep the kids overnight as well! We haven't done this since September, I believe.
We had it all planned out. We were going to 'our restaurant' and we were going to go downtown and walk around and hit a couple of the bars downtown. We were going to stay out late and sleep in in the morning.
We were excited!!
Miles woke up from his nap at 3:30 and I knew instantly something was wrong.
He wasn't crying like he usually does and he felt REALLY warm.
102.7
Tylenol and Motrin didn't bring it down until many MANY hours later when we put him to bed. It was 100.7 at that time.
In the morning, it was still 101.6.

We missed our evening out, but instead of a crabby toddler, I got the sweetest little sick baby.
He melted into me. We cuddled all afternoon and evening.
He didn't make a peep.

His fever went away exactly 24 hrs later, and strangely enough there were no other symptoms of sickness. He DID pop a tooth in that time, but I've always heard that the whole fever+teething is a myth? Who knows.

So instead of staying out late and hitting the town, we ordered Pizza and watched an 'on demand' movie.
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Oh, and since little man is now 90% done with morning naps, when am I going to blog?

And we won't be doing that again for awhile

I took the kids to Mc Donalds for lunch today.
Yes, it's awful.
Bad bad stuff.
I'm a horrible mom...
But it suuure is good! (ok, not really.)
Logan had to use the bathroom.
He's been begging to go into the boys bathroom for ages now.
When we're alone, I just don't let him.
No freaking way.
Today though, the restrooms were in plain view, and I knew no one had been in there for awhile.
I gave him the go ahead and watched my little man walk through the forbidden doors.
I stood right outside fighting the urge to open the door and ask if he was OK.
I fought the urge to literally hold the door open until he came out.
A minute after he walked in, a man walked in. He was carrying pants and a belt. His pants were undone.
What the fuck.
Get my little boy out of there!
Then I hear Logan say, "Hi!!"
I KNEW he was standing at a urinal with his tush hanging out. I knew he was.
The man said Hi and then a minute later Logan came bobbing out as happy as can be.
"Did ya wash your hands?"
"Oh, nope. Let me go back in!"
"Nah, let's go in this one." as I led him in the woman's.

It was a warm spring evening.
I was recovering yet from the lingering affects of the mono that caused me to drop out of my last trimester of my first year of college.
I decided to go out with one of my best girlfriends, although I nearly changed my mind right at the end.
She heard of a party from an old classmate. I didn't want to go.
We decided to go for an hour at the most.

It was as boring as we thought it would be, but the beer was free.
I noticed a boy. A cute boy. Too cute for me.
He was one of those really tall athletic looking types.
He had a chiseled nose and sunken in eyes. He had cute sideburns that went down his cheek.
Out of my league.

My friend knew that I thought he was cute, so after we drank a bit of courage, we found ourselves sitting next to the cute boy.
My friend found herself busy talking to other people that she had no interest in talking to. Friends do that for each other.
I talked to the cute boy.
We sat and talked all evening.
My friend talked to the cute boy's best friend.
When it was time to go home, I gave the cute boy my number.

The next day, cute boy called and invited us over to watch a movie with him and his best friend.
The next 2 weeks we were together, all four of us, a lot.
One evening, the four of us had plans to go out.
I got a call from my friend who had to cancel. At that same time, the cute boy got a call from his friend canceling.
It was our first night out alone.
Our friends planned it.
They knew they were going nowhere.
They knew we were going somewhere.

10 years ago today I met Dave, the 'cute boy'.
The boy who was way out of my league, who is now my husband.
Amazing what happens in such a short amount of time.

Mommy guilt

As a mother, I feel I am expected to be at the top of my game at all times.

If you work outside of the home, as my husband does, some days you can have a slacker day, some days you work really hard. (Not that all of you have slacker days, mind you)
Then again, if you're a mother working outside of the home you also have the 'I worked really hard' and then have to come home and work even harder. Kudos to you all.

Yesterday was Mothers day. The day of all days. The day where one, as a mother, should be treated like a queen. Feet up, breakfast in bed, yada yada yada.

My husband tried. He gave me a happy mothers eve with a nice bottle of wine and a movie. Sounds simple, but we never rent movies. He even gave me a beautiful rose.
He let me sleep in a bit on Sunday while he and the boys went bagel shopping.
It was a joyous beginning to the day.
I started sipping my yummy coffee when it began.
The crying.
Nicely enough Miles thought to wait until I woke up to start crying. He let me sleep in, isn't that nice?
The crying lasted until he went to have his first nap.
After his morning nap we all headed off the the health club to play some basketball (aka-I run around and keep Miles out of other people's hair while Dave shoots some hoops)
When Miles had had enough of that, we went to the soccer field. What 1 1/2 yr old doesn't like to kick balls around all morning, right?
Wrong.
Here started crying jag number 2. It went on and on and on for a good 45 minutes until I decided that I had seen enough of Logan and Dave running around having a good time while I tried to console crying Miles.
*Oh, and before you think that Dave should have stepped in, it doesn't work that way. Had he come and stepped in, Miles would have screamed even louder because I wasn't next to him. I'm like the oxygen he breaths. If I'm not there he can't survive. Literally.*
I'm sure the men in the weightroom straight across the way were happy to hear me say,
"Let's go!!!"
We then went home for some lunch, where Miles continued to cry the rest of the morning until nap.

Then I started crying.

I just don't understand how one can be so unhappy so often.
Anyway.
Dave asked what I wanted to do in the afternoon.
Do you know what this bad mother said?
"Go take them to your moms to celebrate"
Dave understood completely.
He told me to scrapbook. Do you know what I did?
I spent the afternoon full of guilt with tears on and off.
What horrible mom doesn't want to spend mothers day with her kids?

When they came home 2 1/2 hrs later, I proceeded to give the boys a bath and enjoyed every second of it. I felt rejuvinated and calm. I felt sad that I sent them away.
I put Miles in his snuggly jammies and when it came time to put him in his crib, he grabbed on to my shoulders and put his head down on me. He stayed this way for a good 2 or 3 minutes as I rocked back and forth telling him how much I loved him. It was a moment I'll lock away.
I got Logan in his jammies that he is totally outgrowing. His size 6 jammies are now capris. I looked at him, smelled his clean hair, rubbed his soft cheeks. I looked at his hands. There are knuckles where the dimples once were.
His feet are getting so big.
I told him that I felt very special today because I was his mommy.
He kissed me.
I locked it away.

Motherhood is so hard. Sometimes it is the best feeling I have ever had, and sometimes I just want to have some quiet time. Sometimes I want the moment to never end, and sometimes I want mother #2 to walk in and take over.

My neighbor once joked that all parents need backup parents when the going gets tough. Luckily, I have that with Dave.
He understood, he made me feel better, and I forgave myself.

Yesterday had moments that were amazing, and moments that were just tough.
I guess that was the perfect most realistic mothers day, right?

Goodbye Jessica.
I have no words.

Nothing like it

Each year at Mother's Day I think that life is at its best. And of course, each year, it is.
But there is something about having a preschooler that makes it so great.
Logan had a Mother's Tea Party at school. (there was no tea)

The kids sang 7 songs. They all stood together on the carpet so sweetly.
One girl kept pulling up her skirt, as little girls usually do.
Two boys kept socking each other in the arm.
Logan and the little girl next to him kept showing each other how strong they were by picking each other up.
One little boy in the front row wouldn't stop crying.
Another little boy looked at all the cameras and had on his best smile and a glaze over his eyes waiting for the flash.

They did their dancing on cue, they did the movements on cue, the sang sortof on cue.
Then came the last song sang to the melody of 'Where is thumbkin'
'We love mothers
We love mothers
yes we do!
yes we do!
Mothers are for hugging
Mothers are for kissing,
We love YOU.
We love YOU!

And each child pointed and smiled at his or her own mom.
You could see pride on their faces, and sweet sweet love.
I was so touched.
I've never had my child really 'perform' in front of me and I can tell you if you've not had that happen yet, when it does you will feel those same proud feelings.

And of course, my son was the cutest. :0)

I don't think I have any real plans for Mothers Day except to have coffee and bagels for breakfast. It's my perfect morning tradition. Dave goes and buys a bunch of bagels and cream cheese. I make strong coffee and after the kids eat, we watch them play as we drink coffee and eat bagels together in our jammies all morning.
I prefer it 100% over going out to brunch.
Nothing all out here, and I couldn't ask for anything different!!

Happy Mothers Day to all!

I guess I shouldn't have felt sorry for myself

Today is another day of 'highschool preschool' as Logan calls it.

If you recall, I felt going in that I would feel and look just like I did in highschool, but the exact opposite held true.

After I dropped off Logan, Miles and I started walking back to our car. It's quite a long walk, and Miles insists on walking the entire way, so it takes us a while.

As we neared my MINIVAN, I saw a truck full of highschool boys in it.
As I thought back to the days of skipping classes and feeling like I was SOOO important, I was startled back into reality.

First came the beep. Then came Miles waving at the car that beeped.
*all in unison....awwwwwww!!!*

Then came the slow down and the whistles and the overall antics of highschool boys who just whistled at a MOM approaching her MINIVAN while holding her TODDLER'S hand.

Apparently I don't look as old as I feel I look. Either that, or these boys were making fun of a mom approaching her minivan. I refuse to believe that.

So very very sad.

There was finally an update here, and it is just devastating.
Devastating isn't even remotely the right word for just how bad it is.

So screwed

Dave and I moved in together in 1997.
In the past 9 years, we have never had cable TV.
I never missed it really. We usually would have just watched the regular primetime shows in the evenings anyway.
The only time it really sucked was on the weekends.
If you don't have cable, you'd know that there is NOTHING on on the weekends.

Dave came up with the bright idea to get cable on a whim on Thursday.
It was a toss up between Direct TV or cable.
Cable was cheaper.

They came out on Saturday to hook it up.
OK, I don't know what 80% of these channels are, but what I DO know is that I am so screwed!
I took pride in the fact that I could DO things on the weekend and during the day. I NEVER have the TV on really until the kids go to bed.
I'm all for a little brain rot here and there, but I never REALIZED how much stuff there is to really watch!
I just got done watching Real Housewives of OC, or something like that.
I'm hooked. ONE show.
Then I watched a STUPID 'date my mom' show.
I wasted 1 1/2 hrs in a zombie like zone.

And it's not only me!
Try having a child who knows that PBS turns off at 9:00am and then doesn't come back on until 3:30. There is NO argument about turning the TV off because there is NOTHING to watch!
NOT anymore my friends.
I'm going to have to set major rules up.

Can you believe I have never in my life seen Soprano's, Sex in the City, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the list goes on and on!
Does MTV even play music anymore?
Do you know you can SHOP ON TV?
Damn. They need the GROCERY store channel!!

What do I need to know? What's good, what's bad?

We got to pick one premium group: movies, family, sports
Of course movies won.
We have SOOOO many movies we can pick ON DEMAND!
No more video runs, that's for sure.
And PORN. I can't believe it! I want to turn that feature off! That's all I need is for Logan to be pushing buttons and coming across THAT.

Anyway, if I'm not around it's because I'm off rotting my brain. I've got 9 years to catch up to do!
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But really, if I'm not around much it's because I've got lots of 'work' to do before the site gets up and running.

Shh! Who wants a sneak peek?

One of my 10 designs coming soon!
Yippee!
(if you click, I THINK it gets bigger!)

Generation gap

The highschool in my town has classes for those interested in perusing child care. Each Spring, they have a mini preschool session where 15 lucky children get to go and be Guini Pigs for a bunch of teenagers.
Good birth control? Probably!
Logan was one of the lucky 15 this year.
It's 8 sessions, 1 1/2 hrs each.
He absolutely loves going, seeing he's an attention hog and all! He gets 1 teacher and 15 students dotting all around.
Today when we walked in, I heard about 6 different teens say, "ooh! It's Logan!" or "yeah! My little buddy is here!"
Very sweet and cute.
Now, I've been out of highschool for 11 years now, yet, I still feel like I am the same as when I was in highschool. OK, maybe not the same, but I sure feel like I basically LOOK the same.
I mean, I don't look as though I'm approaching 29. (TKW, Anne...shutup!)
I still get carded most of the time. When I DON'T get carded, I often wonder why. I'D card me.
So, here I am walking around thinking that I'd fit right in appearance wise with a bunch of highschoolers, because of course, I haven't changed.

RIIIGHT!
This 'highschool preschool' as we call it has opened my eyes.
I do look 29. OK, maybe 27.
I look at these kids and really realize how YOUNG they look.
They are sweet and fresh and trendy and put together.
I come in with my 2 kids, one slobbering over me fighting off a monster of a cold, the other with a fresh chocolate milk stain on his upper lip that I didn't notice until we left.
My hair is in a messed up ponytail.
I arrive in my minivan.
I have a diaper in my purse.

My false illusions on the subject of age and appearance has vanished.

It makes me wonder if I'm alone in the matter.
Do you feel like you look younger than you really are?
Are you finding it strange to really realize your true age, or are you completely aware and not bothered by it?
Very curious.

Just in case...

edited:
Whew.
It was a pretty big scratch/gouge surrounded by dried blood under the skin.
Scary!!
It really REALLY looks like a hole!
Thanks Amie! :)

I thought I'd ask here to see if anyone knows anything about this.
While playing with Miles today, he flipped back so I could tickle his neck.
We (me, mom, dad, dave, sister) all see a something on the roof of Miles mouth.
It is either a black spot or a hole. Really.
It's not centered, it's right off centered on his left side.
Obviously it's not in a place where you can actually sit and stare, but what the heck?
Does anyone know anything that I don't know when it comes to mouths forming and taking awhile?
Anyone?