So theres this board that I lurk at and SOMETIMES post if I have a question. It is all with women with high FSH levels, so it is pretty informative.
I guess drama happens everywhere, but I didn't think it would here. There are no pictures, you can post anonomously...it isn't very personable...but VERY informative!

Well, there is so much drama going on right now between primary infertile women and secondary infertile women.
The primary women seem to think that the secondary women dont understand the pain of infertility, and one even went on to say that she thinks that some of the secondary infertile women are bad moms for wanting to spend the money and use the donor eggs up. (Most high FSH women have to use donor eggs to get pregnant).
So, as I can totally see both sides, I have to agree that primary infertility MUST be harder than secondary infertility. Because, like one woman said, I have gotten to get a positive HPT, got to watch my belly grow, got to go into labor and now I am getting to see all the things that are so wonderful about parenting!
So, yes, when dealing with women with high FSH levels that really only have a 5%ish chance of conceiving on thier own....my whole heart goes out to them.
The problem with this is that they aren't seeing that even though I might have a child, the fact that the choice is being taken away from me wether I can have another or not is very heartbreaking. Not the SAME kind of heartbreak, but heartbreaking none the less.
There is no right or wrong here, but for those of you facing primary infertility, God bless you! I have NO words that will make what you are going through any easier, but know that I say a prayer EVERY night to bless us who can't have babies easily to get pregnant!
Those of you facing secondary infertility....I get it! I do, and here is a huge HUGE hug to you also!

Well, I now know I must go forward with treatment, whatever that may be.
With the weather in the 50's-60's, we have been outside a LOT the last 2 days. Like, if we're not eating or sleeping, we are outside. 2 doors down there is a little girl 4 months old than Logan, and then a boy who will be 5 in July.
We we both in our back yard, and so Logan and I popped over to say hi to the mom and kids and Logan played on the swingset they have for about 20 minutes or so. He was following the little boy around like Crazy, and they both just LOVED it! When it was time to go, he was crushed!
THEN, yesterday, both children were out playing with thier scooters, and the boy rushed over to let Logan try his scooter. Logan was in awe of this little boy (who is only about 3 inches taller than logan despite the 2 1/2 year age difference.) And just LOVED the fact that he was riding his scooter. You could see in his eyes how proud he was of himself!
Anyway, when it was time for us to go back to our house, Logan's little chin quivered away, and he tried so hard not to cry. He said, "thank you.."?" (I won't say his name) "See you later" with big alligator tears falling down his eyes.
When the little boy had to go in for good, he ran over to Logan, despite his mom telling him to come home right away. He ran right up to Logan and said, "Don't be sad. You might get a scooter for YOUR birthday! I'll ask mommy if you can come over and play sometime" and Logan said, "O-kay" and then they HUGGED!
and the little boy ran back home.
I could have cried. For more than one reason. For ONE reason, seeing my little man with a FRIEND! Actually...a friend!!!!
Second. It made me realize that all the good points for having an only child really ARE good points. BUT, we are going to try really hard to get pregnant. For us to feel like our family is complete, for Logan to have a sibling, and a friend. I don't really want to always be taking him away from his friends w/o having anyone else to come home and play with etc.....and honestly, as happy as we are with one child, we'd be double happy with one more!
So girls...onward and upward!!!!!
Come ON april 5th!!!
We are on a mission!

On the road to recovery!

I'm feeling better healthwise! I think my sinus infection is almost gone! Logan is better...yay! and Dave is still in the middle of his sickness, but I think he is starting to get better~ALL in time for SPRING!!!

Ahhh! Spring! Flowers, gardening, fresh air, open windows, parks, zoo's, walks around town!
Doesn't it all sound heavenly!

I made a big step this morning and called a friend of mine that I just disappeared on when I was in my lowest of lows. I was nervous, because...well...she just doesn't understand, and I was afraid she would be short.
She WAS, at first, but then it was like we never stopped talking...she did her every day complaining about how life was so boring etc.....she can't do anything because of no money.....her car takes up too much gas....haha....JUST like old times! lol

But anyway, it was a big step for me to just call her and apologize for 'bailing', but telling her I needed to, but that I am back in the land of the living!

I have SO much anticipation for spring! Life is GOOD again!
Dave and I had a good talk last night about the pro's and con's of having an only child. It was so funny, because out of no where, I said, "well, don't you have fond memories of doing things like coloring easter eggs with your sister?" and the TEARS just started falling! Daves response..."Whats WRONG? Do you have some bad memories of coloring easter eggs!!!" ROFL hahahahaha!
When I finally could speak through the tears and the laughter of the sentence he said, I got him to understand that I really wanted Logan to experience those things. BUT...we did go on the pro's and con's...and if he IS an only child, i think we will be very happy! And of course we will if we get another sibling!
We've kindof decided after our appt that we are going to speak to the doctor, and give ourselves a limit...be it 2 IUI's/injectables or one IVF...or whatever. Eitherway, if it is meant to be, it will! But at least we won't be swimming in the ocean without a lifeline! We will have our limit and go full force ahead trying to reach it! If we fail...well, we fail! And we will stop all the crazy hectic way of living and just start to ENJOY life! I'm practicing that right now!

Well God...thanks for answering!
You sent 2 very sweet people to me with all the answers I needed!
Thanks Rachelle and Julia!

SO...here I am today feeling as light as a feather!
The sun is shining (although it is windy as hell and tomorrow will be cold again) but the point is the sun is shining TODAY!!
I got a hair cut, eyebrow was....and just a breath of fresh air!
I'm so happy today!
My little messenger told me that I just need to live my normal life...and forget about infertility for awhile. Because, it is a part of me, just like my other faults, but I don't go on day after day depressed about them...take my thighs for example! :)
I'm going to live a normal old boring life for a while and not even concentrate on TTC....and you know what? Life as a 3 person family is sounding more and more like a truely great thing! How blessed am I to have such a great life!
God isn't punishing me...he has blessed me to the fullest extent!!!!!
I feel like a million pounds of bricks has just been lifted off my shoulders!
Girls...I am HAPPY today!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Saturday!

Dear God,
I just need to understand some things you are doing on your end, if you could try to humor me and get back to me as soon as possible, that would be great!
My heart is falling into a million pieces.

I not only lost a baby, I lost my innocent views on life in general.
I lost total respect for body...and my myself.
I think I lost a little bit from my husband. You know, I think he wonders where that strong woman he met went.
I lost just about every single friend in my life, my real personal life.
I lost control of my emotions and feelings.
I'll say it again...I lost respect for myself.
I am not a good friend. I can't just be happy for others w/o feeling down for myself.
I've actually sat and cried in front of my 2 yr old son.
MANY times!
You let my son have a cyst the size of a golf ball in his little brain.
I just don't understand!

So, God...I guess my feelings are that enough is enough!
What did I do that was SO bad that my little world has to crash down on me.
I'm alone.
And you know what, I don't even like myself when I'm alone!
Why are you making life SO tough on me right now?
I know I know....there are MANY people who have it worse than me! I KNOW that!
So God...let up on them too, would ya!

How can I be a good mother to Logan when I can't seem to pick myself out of the gutter!
Why did you throw me into the gutter?
Why can people have baby upon baby and you won't let me have just ONE more!
I don't think it is too much to ask for?

Why cant people SEE the pain that I am in. I'm NOT OK! I'm SAD! ANGRY! DEVISTATED!
I've HAD ENOUGH GOD!!
My mom says you have a plan for me.
Well! I'm all ears!!
WHAT is this royal plan you have set aside for me?
I'd REALLY like to know!
You are leaving me sifting through my soul for answers, and guess what? I don't have any?
How can you entrust SO many life changing decisions on little old me?
You want my opinion???? I want to get pregnant!!!
So...what is it you need me to do to get there?

I just don't understand God.
I'm eagerly awaiting your reply...

Well, this is day 3 of Daves trip! only 2 nights left!
I had an appt with my dermatologist today. I have 3 cold sores, impetigo, and eczema...nice ey? I left with 3 perscriptions totally $45! YIKES!
I also had a mole removed on my chest because it is growing too fast. I'm sure it is nothing. I have to go back next week to get the stitches removed. yuck!

I'm FINALLY starting to feel a bit better! FINALLY!
I still have a runny nose, cough and sore throat, but I can tell I am on the mend.

I'm not doing so well just sitting and waiting for my appt! It is just TOO far away!
I just want to know what is going to happen and what our next step will be.
I'm on cyd 26 w/o ovulation....and I'm not suprised...pissed, YES! but not suprised.
I finally came clean to my friend who just got pregnant with twins on her first round of clomid.
I told her how I felt sad for myself and totally envious of her. But that I was totally over it now, and ready to hear all her exciting news. It was in email, so I'm not sure what she really thinks of the matter. I'm hoping she understands. But I would understand if she doesn't.
Who needs friends right? I have like...none right now! Good thing God gave me such a great family and husband who loves me...all my freakiness included!

Nothing like a huge shot of adrenalin at 12:30am to give you the WORST night sleep EVER!!
All of a sudden I heard a huge BANG and then Logan started SCREAMING and CRYING like I'd NEVER heard in my life! I swear I was up, out of bed and in his room in less than a second!
I FLIPPED on the light which scared him even more! I thought he fell out of his crib!! Nope! He was still in bed, so I quickly flipped the light back off and grabbed him and held him tight! My heart was almost beating out of my chest! He stopped crying right away, which makes me think he had a bad dream and rolled over hard in his crib and hit the side. I snuggled and rocked him for about 4 or 5 minutes and asked if he was ready to go to bed again. He said yes, and gave me a kiss.
I was STILL shaking, and after about 30 minutes I finally felt like I was about to fall asleep until the freaking DISHWASHER started (we have a timer, and I do it for the middle of the night) That kept me up past 2am-2:30. Why I didn't go turn it off is beyond me! Then, Dave was breathing SO hard, and I just had enough! I got my face right by his and wispered..."you're breathing is keeping me up!" haha! So he huffed and puffed and rolled over and FINALLY, the last time I looked at the clock it was 3am...when the alarm went off at 6:30, I wanted to CRY!
So, up I went....got logan ready for the day. did the morning things and then we went grocery shopping, and to walmart, came home and ate lunch and Logan has been sleeping for 2 hr 45 minutes (yay!) and I grabbed my bed comforter and pillow and headed to the couch where I preceeded to sleep for 1 1/2hrs! HARD sleep too!
I've had this horrible head cold for over a week now, and I'm just about fed up with it!
I hope I can sleep tonight because this is the first of 4 nights w/o dave!!

Do you ever have one of those evenings that everything just seems to go RIGHT?
THAT was my evening tonight.
I rearranged my whole livingroom and am FINALLY, after almost 3 years in this house, happy with where everything is! And trust me, I thought I have tried EVERY single placement for my overly huge furniture, but I never tried THIS position! Dave is SO glad that he won't have to hear, "Honey, lets try moving the couch THERE!"
I feel like it is all brand new!
Logan and I are still sick, but we were just both in the same calm mood late afternoon. Actually we are both getting a bit worse after our feeling a bit better yesterday.
I'm getting a RASH all over...along with my head cold...YUCK!
I made a really simple dinner of chicken taco's, and it SO hit the spot, for all three of us!
Logan ate a WHOLE taco! Tomato, olives, corn, chicken...pretty well rounded meal for a change! His appetite has been nil the last few days, so to see him eat like himself again. was GREAT!
Then, I read Logan about 20 books, ;) and put him to bed and soaked in the tub for a good 45 minutes reading.
My sweet hubby is konked out on the couch because he had to go to work really late last night, so he got like NO sleep, and then tomorrow night he has to work from about 9:30pm-4:00am...yuck!
There is nothing on TV tonight, so I think I am going to bed to read some more.
HOW PERFECT can you get? right?
goodnight! :)

"I know what you can do Jen, if you can't have a baby, you can get a monkey! They are SO cute, and you can even put it in diapers..."

That is directly out of the mouth of my only sister today...

I'm becoming quite the 'tea' drinker these days!
I have gone from never having a cup of tea I liked (usually something like raspberry...YUCK) to having 4 boxes in my pantry that I drink every day!

Green Tea with Lemon...YUM!!!
Black tea with French Vanilla...YUMYUM!!
Sweet dreams tea
"Wellness Tea....which I tried today, and it made me feel less stuffy! I was shocked!!!

I'm enjoying all the different teas, and I totally never thought I would!
Thank you all my friends for the suggestions!
No real updates here, Logan is my little sicky with me today! I said to him, "awww...my little sicky!" and he says, (imagine a 2 yr old COMPLETELY stuffed up)..."no mommy, I'm PINE" aka...fine!
He fell asleep on my shoulder today before nap time, and that is just the BEST thing!
I sat, watched his breathing, smelled his sweet clean hair, and just looked at the miracle on my lap.
I had quite the nice drool mark on my shirt too!
I'm hoping we feel better by the weekend.
Next week, its just me and Logan...ALL week!
We need to be healthy so we can enjoy the week!

Today is yet another bad day.....
But the reason is because I am sick.
I've got a massive headache, sore throat, ear ache on BOTH sides, and I'm getting a cold sore!
I'm tired, my body hurts, and I want to crawl back into bed.
I talked to a dear friend of mine last night.
She and I met when I was 4 and she was 5. We were the BEST of friends.
She is right in the middle of the adoption process.
She had cancer when she was only 19 yrs old, and it left her unable to have children.
Talking to her and hearing how strong and brave she is just left me feeling like a big fat whiner.
Here, she almost DIED, and what she says is, "i'm at the point where I just thank GOD I'm alive and with my great husband" And I'M pouting because I want another baby?
I just don't know how to dig myself out of this dark hole I am in.......

So, its been 3 days since a journal entry,so I figured I would write one today, but I just have nothing to say.
Everything is still the same...nothing has changed.
I'm still feeling the same feelings.
I'm tired, and I'm tired of being tired.
I'm getting a cold.
BLAH today!
Sorry!

One thing noone teaches you when you are growing up is how to handle something like this.
I don't think I am handling it the right way.
I found some info on FSH levels, and according to my level, I am in 'perimenopause'...which, if I look at it with my humor button pushed...it is quite funny! Me..26...perimenopause!
I asked an online doctor at this wonderful infertility clinic about my FSH levels, and what he came back with is saying that it shows that I am starting in premature ovarian failure, and that he thinks that my best option would be maximum stimulation and IVF. Something I said I never wanted to do. Too much invasion, too many shots, all around scary for me.
So, after hearing and reading all I did, I decided my best option was to shut myself off from the world. My friends in particular. I emailed the few I talk to on a regular basis...my real life friends...explained what was going on, and that I didn't really want to talk for awhile. I needed to sort things out in my head. I only received a respose back from one person, a neighbor of mine. No one else. Do they think I am a wack-o....maybe, but you know what? Right now I don't give a damn. I decided I wanted to immerse myself in Logan and Dave and my house and my workouts. Oh...real motivation for my workouts. I tried on a swimsuit today! Oh the horror!! It really made me feel in the mood to WORK OUT today!
So, Here I am wondering if after all of this if I am going to have any friends left.
The thing is, I don't really WANT to talk to anyone of my real life friends right now.
One is newly pregnant...very newly.
One has 2 kids and is always upset with them, always stressed...tells me I'm lucky to not have two.
Another has 2 and a 3rd on the way.....
I think it is just what I need to stay away from everyone.
The funny thing is is I feel a bit freakish. I know that is dumb, but it IS a bit freakish to be in perimenapause at 26yrs old.
I am not in the mood to socialize, chit-chat about the weather. The weather has been incredibly gloomy and rainy the last week, and it really seems fitting.
So, I'm going to keep working out, keep hanging out with my little man, keep talking to Dave about my feelings, and my mom....and we will see when the storm lifts.

I've also been thinking a bit about some things that I would like to do when I 'growup'. Some things I might want to do while Logan goes to school in a couple years. The things that really pop in my head are...gardening, writing, painting, pottery....so I might see if I can find a class to take. I have an aunt who teaches ceramics and has a whole studio in her basement, but through everything that has happened in my life, my aunt is someone who has caused many a heartache in our family. I don't know if I can forgive her. If it weren't for her ceramic shop, I'd be OK with never seeing or talking to her again, so by calling to take ceramic lessons, I don't think that would be a good thing to do.........but, I don't know.
So, what I am doing right now is taking care of me, and my heart, and my family.
Although, my online friends just mean the world to me...so girls! EMAIL me! hee hee!
If I don't feel like talking, at least I can come back to it later! ;)
We'll get through this!

Today, I am writing about nothing other than my sweet angel...Logan.

I usually don't say TOO much about Logan here because I keep his own personal hand written journal at home, and well...this is about my ttc journeys.
But today on the other hand, I need some distraction...and who better to give that then the cutest, sweetest, smartest little 2 yr old boy...Logan David! hee hee!
He is usually rather adorable looking, but his hair is getting so long and shabby, and he needs it cut. Unfortunatly, getting it cut results in the loudest screams I have ever heard come out of his mouth, that we wait until the VERY last minute to do it. It is usually a 1/2 in clipper gaurd on my clippers and away it goes! Not TOO cute, but will have to do for about another year until I can get him to understand that a hair cut is not a life threatening thing!
His new thing is coming up and hugging me super hard and saying, "I LOOOOOOOOOVVVVE mommy!" in this sweet little low voice that he trys to make. Can I tell you what that feels like? I literally FEEL my heart skip a beat!
He is our little rockstar! He plays our paino daily...his little drums and recorder, and jumps around banging his little tamborine. He thinks his marracca's are called "shake-a-rackas", which is so darn cute! and he is ALWAYS singing!!
Although, when I ask him if he is going to be a rockstar, he tells me..."no mommy! Rockstart!" haha!
He is smarter than I can even admit sometimes!
On the globe at Grandma and Grandpa's house, he can point out Africa, USA, Europe, Alaska....and he gets it right every single time!
He can count to 5 in spanish...thank you Dora the Explorer...and can even spell his name!
Colors, letters, numbers...all been there done that for him!!
He wipes away our kisses! now this might sound mean, but it is so cute! When we kiss him, he immediatly wipes it away, and then very sweetly wipes our mouth too as to wipe HIS germs off of us! I hope that ends soon! ;)
He loves his grandparents so much! And they love him right back.
He has absolutely NO children to play with...no cousins, obviously no siblings...no one but his family (parents aunts/uncles, grandparents) and sometimes...well, a lot of times that worries me that he is not going to learn how to share and take turns with KIDS like he does with adults!
If the good Lord doesn't want us to have any more children, I thank him with every ounce of my soul for giving me Logan! He completes us 100%!!!!!
I am the proudest mommy in the world!!! (biased too! :)

So I failed the clomid challenge test.
I'm trying to remain positive, but I think I need a few days to be sad about this first.
All this time I have been thinking...well, this SUCKS yes, but I WILL get pregnant again!
Now, I just don't know if I ever will!
And it breaks my heart to have been pregnant twice and only have one baby! And to think that I might not get that chance again is just way to difficult to swallow.
I'm eating away my sorrow in brownie today, but at least it is no pudge fudge...I wouldn't be suprised if the little pan is gone by the time dave gets home from work!
I want a baby of my own flesh and blood. I want people to sit and wonder, "does this baby look like mommy or daddy?" I want to do as I do so often with Logan and just see Dave in his eyes or nose or mouth. I love it when people jokingly say, "well, you can't tell he's Daves little boy, can you?"
Gosh, that might sound horrible, because I believe adoption is just the greatest thing in the world, but what about these feelings I'm having?
so, now we have to decide...spend the money we dont have on fertility treatments....spend the money we don't have on adoption.....or DON"T spend any of the money and continue to be a single child family and hope it is a wise decision for everyone.
I can't make that decision... :(