If I had the money

Here is my list of things I would do if I were filthy rich.
I know I'm being selfish!

*I'd hire a cleaning company to come and do the down and dirty stuff every week. And I wouldn't care that I'm a SAHM because I am a STAY AT HOME MOM, not a maid! It's ok to get a little help if you can afford it, right?

*I'd also hire a babysitter every Saturday night so that Dave and I could have a date night once a week.

*I'd replace my 1974 Sofa set. It was a loaner from Dave's parents to use in 1st livingroom (we live in a tri-level, we have 2 living rooms) until the kids are older and we can afford better. It's 1970's yellow. Gross

*I'd take cooking lessons so that I can learn new and exciting and easy meals. Oh wait. Logan doesn't eat anything but waffles and chicken nuggets. maybe I should take a class that teaches me how to get my child to eat.

*I'd put up a fence around our yard so I can waltz about in my swim suit this summer with the kids and the sprinkler and not worry about the neighbors seeing me!

*I'd get a boob job (not very big, just more firm) and a tummy tuck (just to get rid of the excess baby skin that I swear will never go away)

*I'd get a whole new wardrobe and not feel bad about it. And I'd get it somewhere other than Walmart!


What would you do if you had all the money you could dream of?

Ambien had to wait

So, my plan to take my ambien last night changed when I was invited for some real conversation with a real live adult last night.
I spent the evening scrapbooking and chatting with a new friend and neighbor.
unfortunately I didn't spend the night drinking a bottle of wine, as I would have really liked to because this new friend is unable to drink due to religion.
Damn.
Oh yeah, she can't swear either.
That was hard work people.
So, when I didn't get home until 10pm, I figured it was a waste and that I would take it tonight.
Here's a short rundown of my night.

10:30-ahhhh....hopped into nice warm flannel sheets to sleep the night away.
11:30-cry cry, scream scream, boo hoo, shriek shriek...the freaking teeth STILL not out. As bad as I feel for Miles, I just want him to sleep the night through. I'm afraid this is getting to be a habit. Up, motrin, teething gel, a little lovin...back to bed.
11:50-trying hard to go to sleep, but thinking about a new idea for a scrapbook page I was working on. Why is it so easy for my husband to turn off his brain when his head hits the pillow. I think he has narcolepsy. Lucky SOB.
2:47-what's that I hear? It must just be in my dreams.
2:50-no, I definitely I hear something. Must.wake.Dave.
'kick kick-tap tap'
"ugh..snort snort.."
"SHh! I hear something. Stop talking and listen"
....30 seconds of silence
....60 seconds of silence
deep breathing, obviously sleeping
'noise happens again....it's coming from under our bed.'
'KICK KICK'
....rolling over
"SHUT UP! There is something under our bed and every time you move it stops! LISTEN!"
...all of a sudden realizing what it is. Apparently word didn't get out in our house that papa mouse was taken down.
"SHIT! It's a freaking MOUSE under our bed!"
3:00-WIIIIDE awake!
3:10-wiggling anything we can to scare mouse out of our room without getting off of the bed.
3:15-after a minute of silence, we realize the bastard is still there.
3:25-
"Should I go get a trap?" asks Dave, rather pissy.
"NO! I don't want to hear the poor thing die! I feel bad enough just for killing the first one!" with a much more pissy attitude.
"but if we head it snap, we can go to sleep knowing it's gone!" totally irritated that I would feel for the poor mouse interrupting our sleep.
"I'm NEVER going to be able to sleep knowing there is a DEAD mouse under our bed!"
"oh, so the LIVE mouse eating his way through your diaper bag makes sleeping easier?"
3:45
"Fuck"
"Fuck"
4:00
"I'm going to set traps downstairs." says Dave, SO pissed right now.
"NOW? DOWNSTAIRS? He's just going to decide to go down 3 sets of stairs to find the trap?"
"Well! If he smells the peanutbutter he will!!"
'noise noise noise noise noise. From the mouse you say? No. From my husband. It apparently isn't a quiet job putting peanutbutter on 3 mouse traps.
4:30-Some how, I find my eyes closing. Sleep.
5:30-"WVAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM"
What's THAT you say? Well, THAT is Logan, right next to my freaking face turning on the new LIGHT SABER we happened to get him yesterday. It's about 3 feet long, bright glowing red, humming at me!
After the initial jolt, it takes me forever to figure out how to turn it off.
Spent the next 5 minutes getting Logan to realize that it was NOT ok to be awake at 5:30.
Then I got to hear this from his sweet little 4yr old lips, "Well tough cookies Mom! I'm not leaving your room and you're going to just have to deal with it!"
"Really? OK, then I guess I'm going to watch news all morning long instead of Saturday morning cartoons!"
Exit Logan.
5:45-curse, swear, almost cry realizing that I'm sure to be getting up soon.
7:01-"WAKE UP WAKE UP YOU SLEEPY HEADS!!!" says a bright eyed chipper Logan.

Sometimes I wonder why we even bother trying.

Off to see if it would be really bad to take my ambien with a full glass of Merlot tonight.


*Oh, and yes, mouse number 2 was sent to mouse heaven last night. He really did follow the peanutbutter. UNLESS it was a different mouse. We're not even going to think that. That's the bad thing about having a cornfield as a back yard.

**If this post if completely hard to follow, blame it on the lack of sleep. To me, it's perfectly clear. I bet I might be the only one.

new links and a new recipe

I've been trying to find the time to search for new blogs to go on my blogroll, and usually when I find a new one I forget to save it. It then goes away forever into the deep bloggy hole, never to be found again.
I have added some new ones, and a few were from the help of TKW.
I found Melissa simply by hitting next blog. Usually when I do that I find a blog in a language that I can't understand. This time it really worked! She's hilarious! Check her out. She in turn helped me find Stella.
Simone, meet Michelle; both New Yorkers!
If you have a blog that you read and recommend, go ahead and let me know.
I've added about 10 new ones, but would love some more!
Comment if you have one!

OK, my friend Lisa gave me this recipe she saw on some cable show. Paula Dean? No clue who it was because I don't have cable. We live in the dark ages here!!
It is SO good that I had to post it.
I made it without the almonds just because I didn't have any!
Enjoy!!

Hot Chicken Salad

2 cups cooked chicken breast meat, cubed
1 cup diced celery
1/2 cup slivered almonds
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 cup mayonnaise
1 cup grated sharp Cheddar
2/3 cup crushed potato chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Spray a 13 by 9-inch baking dish with vegetable oil cooking spray.

In a large mixing bowl combine the chicken, celery, almonds, salt, pepper, lemon juice, mayonnaise, and cheese. Place the mixture in the prepared baking dish. Spread the crushed potato chips on top. Bake for 20 minutes, or until bubbly.

Out damn teeth! Out!

Miles got his first two teeth in September...the beginning of September, I believe.
He has yet to get #3 and #4.
The last week or so, his top gums have been extremely swollen and painful. He's chewing on everything, and let me tell you, the bottom two teeth are SHARP!
As of two days ago, we could SEE the teeth through the gums, but they hadn't popped through yet.
This resulted in extreme pain and BAAAAAAD moods from mr. miles.
In addition, it resulted in tearful sleepless nights.
We are on night 3 now of waking up crying, giving Motrin and rubbing 'little teethers' all over his gums. *by the way, I totally recommend 'little teethers' brand. It's thick, not runny like oragel. His mouth clamps shut for oragel, but suprisingly he opens right up for the little teethers*

They still have yet to pop through, but for everyone's sake, I hope they do soon!!

It's funny, but earlier in the week I told my mom a little secret.
Miles, the worlds hardest infant has turned into a pretty easy 1yr old! Isn't it funny how that happens. Let me rephrase. I'm sure to others, he might not be 'easy', but to me, from what I had seen last year, he is easy now!
He's quite good at temper tantrums. Head bangs down on the ground and he can roll and cry and scream and slobber the likes to keep up with any 2yr old. That said, he's venturing out more. He's initiating play with Logan. He's napping good. He's eating good...still not a good drinker at all, but he eats pretty good.
But of course some demon spawn looking on heard me tell my mom that life was pretty good right now and thought he'd push those teeth further in causing much disruption in our house!

So, I'm thinking they should pop soon. And then, we'll go back to sleeping through the night and being that easy 1yr old!

So, next week I'm flying solo again. Don't even get me started.
I told Dave that in order for me to be OK with him traveling for work again, he had to allow me to take the single remaining ambien that is in our cupboard from my last week of pregnancy with Miles. I get to take it as early as I'd like and sleep for as long as I can! So, I think Friday night I'll be ready for bed around 8:00ish, read a book and fall quickly asleep. Ahhhhh.....
Sad, aren't I?

new toy, new hobby, new pet

Let's start with the 'pet'.
About 7 or 8 yrs ago, Dave and I decided to have each other make our valentines day presents for each other.
He did good, I sucked.
He made me a dozen hand made 'roses' made out of herseys kisses wrapped in red Saran wrap. He did great.
I won't even go into what I made, um...because I suck. Big time.
Anyway, these little flowers have sat on our computer desk for the last however many years. It's silly, but I couldn't just throw them away!
Dave comes upstairs with them yesterday handing them to me.
4 of them were eaten through.

We.have.a.mouse.IN.our.house.

Traps are set.
Knowing that I was a vegetarian for 14 yrs (now eating chicken and the occasional bite of turkey) I was never too keen with mouse traps. It's horribly mean. I don't like to think about it really.
What I DO know is that I have a MOUSE in my house, and he's not welcome. Yes, I know I could get a more humane trap, but anyway.....
I'm SO freaked about the freaking mouse.
Pray the little sucker finds his way to mousey heaven soon. (and pray I don't feel TOO bad for TOO long...cause, really, I do)

Next, new toy.
I've finally joined the rest of the world and got my first Ipod.
I am the proud new owner of a 2g Nano.
It is sitting on my table empty. I don't know how to fill it yet, but I'm sure I'll learn soon. Dave also got one, so he can figure it out first and then tell me!
The problem is, I want it full of songs that I DON'T have. Songs that Dave would NEVER want. (Dare I say I'd love a Kelly Clarkston song or two on there...oh and a little Holla Back girl...yeah, not dave)
I don't want to spend a million dollars filling it up, or at least filling it up long enough for 3-4 workouts so that I don't listen to the same thing each time.

Last but not least, new hobby.
I'm all about being creative. I love expressing myself through art. It's so far been usually just paper crafting, but I would learn just about any kind of art if I had the chance.
Dave's Grandma was an artist. We have some of her paintings in our house. She was really rather good at landscape scenes. When she had her accident and moved into the nursing home she gave me all of her paint supplies.
There are about 30 brushes, a few canvases, an easel, and about 20 tubes of paint. There are also a bunch of 'how to paint...?...' books. They have been sitting in my basement for about a year now collecting dust.
Yesterday, as the kids were napping, and I caught up with all of my blogs, the mood struck.
I got everything out and really went at it.
Now, I'm not one to paint a landscape. No, it must be something that can totally be messed up and yet look like art. You know, one of those, 'what is THAT supposed to be?' type paintings.
My painting is really just a bunch of gobbily-goop, but you know what? I really think I like it!
It's got orange, yellow, greens, browns, maroons, and a bit of red in it.
What I started with in my head is no where near what came out, but what DID come out, I'm happy with.
Dave, who amazes me sometimes with his support on ANYTHING I try or do said that he wants to frame it and hang it.
Now, I don't know if it's that good, but it was fun, and I will try again!
Just what my budget didn't need...a new hobby!

Just irritating

Why do some people when they get a head cold say "I have a cold" and others say, "I have a sinus infection"?
OK, we all know that I've been 'blessed' with medical problems, so I've done my fair share of googling medical terms. This of course makes me almost like a doctor, right? OK fine, at least a nurse.
When I talk to someone and they do not have a head cold and then the next day they are completely stuffed up, I would assume they have a HEAD COLD. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't a SINUS INFECTION mean a head cold that doesn't go away? OK, maybe it isn't that simple, but can you go from not having a cold one day to having a 'sinus infection' the next day?
And the fact that this irritates me is also irritating to me.

Do you know what else is irritating?
Standing in a long line in the store and having the woman in front of me turn around and look at me and then grab a pamphlet out of her purse.
But then, she doesn't talk to me, she bends down and starts talking to my son.
She starts telling him how there is no one in the world like him. He is such a very special person. No one else has all the special things inside them like he does. God loves him just for being himself. (Which, I think might have come from Mr. Rodgers, but anyway...) Do you know who GOD is?
She then proceeds to hand my son the pamphlet and tells him to ask me to read it to him.
Now, I am a Christian. I believe in God. I don't need the woman talking to my son. What if we were atheists? Anyway, I just thought if she wanted to talk to ME, fine, but my 4 yr old son...irritating.

Another irritating thing? Making an ass out of yourself.
As I was jogging up the stairs to get Miles out of his bed, my foot slipped and as hard as I tried to catch myself, I landed face down on my nose. My nose.
Luckily it didn't break, but it swelled and was really REALLY sore. The next day I proceeded to wake up with a cold. NOT a sinus infection, but a cold. Blowing my already sore nose isn't so much fun.
Irritating.

life saver

My husband was a star wars freak when he was a boy.
His mom still has some of the little action figures that he played with when he was a kid.
I've always known that Star Wars was/is his all time favorite movie.
Myself on the other hand...no interest.
I have never watched a single movie, and honestly, unless I'm forced I'm sure I'll never watch one. (But I said that about the Harry Potter books too, and I've read them all so far...so we'll see)
Dave's been dreaming about the day when Logan is ready to watch Star Wars.
Seeing I've never watched the movies, I couldn't give any opinion on the matter.
The day has come.
Saturday afternoon-both kids sick-Dave decides it was time.
"Logan, do you want to was STAR WARS with me?" In his way to excited voice.
"Star Wars? What's Star Wars?"
"Only THEE BEST MOVIE in the whole world!!"
"the best movie? SURE DAD!!

So, the big boys went downstairs to watch the movie, and I got to hang out with the never ending slobber king...slobbering out of every which way.

I hear over and over, "What's that? Who's that? Is that a good guy? Is that a bad guy? What are they going to do? What's a life saver? Oh, a light saver?? Saber? What's a saber?

After the movie, they came up all revved up.
Logan told me all about "light sabers-they're NOT life savers mom!" and how cool Star Wars was.
I saw a bit of pride as I watched Dave listen to him tell the story.

A new Star Wars fan was born, with a little help from his daddy.

Well, I'm happy to say that I made it just fine though the last evening alone.
Dave made it home safe and sound, and he helped me finish that bottle of wine!
Our house has been full of goo and slobber, tissues and medicine as we are starting to wind down the cold front.
unfortunately, Miles, the only one who doesn't know how to blow his nose, got it the worst.
He's still coughing hard, but I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Dave is on his way to a job interview today.
Imagine your dream company, if you could pick any to work for.
That is exactly what it is for him.
Not only would he be doing what he's been getting certified for, he'd be making a heck of a lot more money! We all love that, right?
As you can imagine, we're all on egg shells waiting.

So my excuse for having nothing today is because I spent the majority of the night sleeping on the couch. Why is it when you have a cold the cough doesn't start until you try to go to sleep? I wanted to make sure Dave was fully rested for big interview. I spent the night dreaming about a spider the size of a softball who wouldn't stop attacking me. It had eyes as big as ping pong balls.
Awful dreams.
Off to research what it meant!

Picture it

My husband has been gone 9 out of the last 10 days.
Let me repeat that for you.
My husband has been gone 9 out of the last 10 days.
I have 2 children who are so slobbery gooey sick.
They both have fevers.
Miles weighs TOO much to lug around, but the sweet thing was just so sick.
I'm supposed to pick up Dave at the airport at 5:30 in time for him to come home, eat with us, bathe the kids...HIM, not me...and put them to bed while I finally let out a deep breath and relax.

Dave's first flight was delayed by 20 minutes and when he arrived in Chicago he had to sit on the runway for 45 minutes waiting for a place to pull in.

Dave had an hour layover.

DO the math people. 20 minute delay + 45 minutes on a runway = 65 minutes.

Dave missed his &@(#)!@#(@)#*&&$*&&#^(* flight. (insert exactly what you think I was saying. You were right)

Imagine how irritated I was. I was not in the mood to get off my lazy butt and continue being the only one in charge of 2 sick kids, but, I did it.

Luckily he is only 2 1/2 hrs away by car, but after 9 days alone with 2 kids I was just SOOO ready for him to come home.

Thank GOD my kids are now snug in their beds and I just cracked open a much needed bottle of wine.

I've crossed a line I never thought I would

I have to admit. I'm cheap.
I usually shop at Walmart simply because it's like 3 miles from my house. The last year I've visited Walmart at LEAST 1 time a week because of formula. Now that Miles is done with formula (happy happy dance here) it will become probably once every 2 weeks for so.
I'm excited about the formula for a couple reasons.
A:we don't have to spend the money on the stuff that usually just got poured down the drain anyway. Literally dumping your money down the drain.
B:Without spending that money every week, it leaves me a little more playing room at Walmart. Hey, if you can get a cute sweater on the clearance rack or a complete kids outfit on the clearance rack for $3 and you choose not too because it's from Walmart, well then...you're just stupid....to me anyway.

So, we've decided to work on project Logan. By this we mean it's time for Logan to take charge of some things. Because of Logan's brain cyst, he's always been slow on the large motor activities. Walking, running, climbing etc...well, now he can run REALLY fast, he's even brave enough to jump off the couch or ottoman. Yes, i realize he's 4yrs old. He should be doing this by now, he just hasn't. We've given him some slack, and probably wound up making it worse for him by not making him be in charge of things like getting himself dressed. It's a big battle in our house.
He 'trys' to get undressed (and by 'try' I mean grabs his sleeve, pulls it hard, pouts and says he can't do it) but he's not really excited about it.

For the last 3-4 weeks we've really been making him do it, and I must say it's been going good the last couple of days. I pick out the clothes and give them to him and 9 times out of 10 he can get dressed. The hard things are taking his shirt OFF, and socks. He's doing really well though. Another hard thing was his coat. He could get one arm in but not the 2nd. I taught him the lay it on the ground, put your arms in and flip it over your head trick, and we're all good!
So, that gets us from Jammies to outfit and clothes...that leaves us shoes.
Shoes are something that I'm quite particular with when it comes to my boys. I need cute shoes. NOT expensive shoes...just cute. Logan always has a pair of tennis shoes and then a pair of brown shoes to go with the cutesy cords or khaki's.

*I promise, I'm almost back to Walmart*

We've decided that we're going to take Logan to early kinder admission and see what they tell us. In order to do that though, I need to know that Logan passes the things he'll need to be able to do. Getting dress is one of them. Getting SHOES on is another. Of course, he's only 4, he can't tie his shoes yet.
I've never ever in my life bought him a pair of velcro shoes. HATE them. I think they are thee ugliest shoes ever. And for some reason they can't make cute velcro either. They are allllll awful.
THAT is the line I crossed.
I walked into Walmart on a mission of finding a pair of velcro shoes that wouldn't make me run away.
Let me tell you how tough THAT was.

I caved, but I want to state for the record that I HATE the shoes he bought.
They light up. I hate light up shoes.
They are at least semi-athletic looking and not the big chunky white ones-still too chunky and big for my taste though.
Logan had to wear them home, so as I put them on him in the cart, his eyes got so wide. He said that he felt that these shoes would make him run faster and jump higher.
I am proud to say that now, Logan can 99% get dressed and undressed head to toe by himself. Velcro shoes and all.

And while I was at Walmart, I of course had to check out the $3 and $5 rack. I bought the cutest 2 piece track outfit by Danskin. It's a pea green-CUTE comfy-look like I have it together when I drop Logan off at preschool type thing. Plus I did a happy dance when I realized that the 4-6 was a bit too big, but knew it would shrink anyway, as Walmart's clothing always does.

I tried it on when I got home and much to my dismay, Logan told me, "mom, I wish I had an outfit that made me look like a giant green elephant like you do"
So, um, maybe it's not as cute as I thought.

Do you have patience at the grocery store? I usually do. I go to one that is very child friendly and they have these little mini carts for the kids to drive. They don't turn though, so it's IMPOSSIBLE to turn down an isle without major hassle. I pray when we park that some other miserable mom is trying to push two carts at once so that Logan will not get the chance.
In my opinion, if you don't have patience at a grocery store (when it comes to CHILDREN...more to come) then you should not chose a child friendly one and go elsewhere. Agreed?
So bleh to the older woman who gave my son the look of evil when he couldn't turn his cart out of her way fast enough for her liking. 'Bleh'
But my patience runs thin when it comes to stupid adults who leave their cart in the middle of the isle while they slowly check out the cuts of meat. Yes, that's a good idea. Leave your cart RIGHT in the middle of an isle while you go walk 10 feet away.
And what about workers.
Why must they unload all of the apple juice cans while blocking the ENTIRE go through so that I have to back track down the whole isle WITH the freaking mini cart that doesn't turn. Can't they do that after hours?
Yes, I enjoyed my grocery shopping experience yesterday.
Do you know what else I enjoyed?
Going to walgreens 3 times for one script.
3 times.
One time I walked in and waiting 10 minutes in line for them to tell me it wasn't ready yet. (Despite being called in 6 hours prior) They said 20 more minutes.
That's when I went to the grocery store. I returned in 45 minutes and waited 10 minutes in the drive through. 'I'm sorry, this isn't done yet' was her response.
yes, I was told 20min, and it was 45. Do you know what I was waiting for? An inhaler. One that they don't have to count or mix or anything. Come back in 20 min.
So, I go take the groceries home and come back. I see the drive through is 8 cars long so I park...again...and go in. Both kids in toe of course.
I then wait for 20 minutes in the line.
BOOOOY was I pissed when his script wasn't done.
I refused to leave and get back in line. I said I was waiting right here and not moving. Miles was crying because it was dinner time, Logan was begging for a piece of candy. I was NOT going to the end of the 15+person line.
Guess how quick I got my prescription?
Yeah...I think I'm going to have to start asserting myself more! hee hee!

Loving the weeks where I play single parent due to work taking my husband all the way across country.
How DO single parents do it?

Never let a man do a woman's job.
But, unfortunatly for Dave, I'm not one of those women.

He can clean the toliets just as good as me.
Poopy diapers, we take turns. Usually we grumble up to the changing table, but still.
Bath time? Again we take turns!

Does he do it as good as me? (Because we all know mom's do everything better! hee hee)
Of course not, but still.

So tell me, why do I go with Logan to the bathroom and have the following happen.
Logan pulls his pants down.
Logan pulls his underpants down.
Logan preceeds to pull a SECOND pair of underpants down!

Why you say, does Logan have 2 pair of underpants on?

"I must have had him put his shirt on first and then just gave him his underwear to put on. It must have been a long shirt and I didn't see that he didn't take off his old ones first"

It's a common mistake, I'm sure.

So...thank you.
Thanks for your kind words, your validation, and most of all for just being there.
I don't know how I got such wonderful people like you in my life!

Miles birthday was pretty uneventful actually. We had his party already, and Dave was working, so it was just me and the boys for the day. For dinner we had his favorite meal: spaghetti. We also had left over cake!
After dinner, I got down on the floor and Miles came running (literally...darn that happens too fast) and lunged into me plopping a big wet one right on my lips.
He wouldn't go too far, being that he is just now leaving my hip.
He would venture for a toy and bring it back for my approval.
He would put his head down on my tummy and let me stroke his hair.
He would occasionally kiss me. He does this cute sound when he kisses. Sometimes they are quick kisses, and sometimes they are LONG kisses, complete with a pool of drool.

I was very conscious of the time. I dug out my hospital records for that day. They timeline everything. It's nice to have. I knew at 5:15 that I was exactly 'so and so' cm dilated. I knew when the doctor was in etc...
I'm going to keep them with Miles stuff so some day I can dig it out and re read it.
Dave gave Miles his bath, and I gave him his bed time bottle.
I smelled him, kissed him, watched him suck. I watched his eyes get heavy.
He rubbed them in this sweet way that he does.
Then, when he gets really tired he rubs his ears.
He pushed away his bottle when he was done, and usually he gets a kiss and gets sat in his crib.
I just didn't want to let go.
He just lay in my arms, completely awake but quite groggy.
I told him how special he was to me.
I told him how much I loved him.
I told him everything I felt.

He just watched me talk. He didn't fuss or want to wiggle away. He just sat in my arms and stared at me.
It was such a special moment.

I then picked him up, hugged him and gave him a kiss on his head and put him to bed.

I then took a bath and soaked it all in.

It's silly that it was so emotional for me, but it was a process.
I think I got out of it what I needed.
I think it will get easier from here on out.
I relieved everything in my mind from one year ago that day.

Miles had his 1yr check up yesterday. I got to hang out with the doctor for awhile. He always stays in our room for what seems like forever. Yesterday it was 30 minutes. We talked. We talked about last year, and he understood. We talked about Christmas and the magic of the season. He told me about his oldest daughter (5yrs old) and how he just relieved the magic with her.
He's a wonderful man and part of me would say friend.
We've been through a lot together the past 2 yrs.

So, there we have it.
One year has come and gone. I think I'm going to be OK!

Your words, about me being strong. I'm really not.
I'm just someone who was sick and really had to fight to get better.
I just survived something that I really had no choice over.
You all would have done the same.
I'm just a mom, just like many of you, who would do anything for her children.
And if you're not yet a mom, when you become one you'll see.
But thank you for believing in me and thank you for BEING there for me.

tick tick tick...

We're almost there.
I feel like a time bomb is ticking away.
This holiday season has been SO wonderful, yet in the same token, so very hard.

I've not talked about this to many people because I get the glazed over looks.
You can see the thoughts in the heads of, 'that was a year ago' or 'get over it' or 'I don't want to think about that time again'...but the thing is, I need friends and support to get through this.
I NEED to talk about it.

I, unlike my friends and family didn't only witness it, I lived it.

One year ago tomorrow, Miles was born.

Here is part of a post I wrote one year ago today.....

yes, I'm still here. I'm officially overdue. Yay for a job well done, don't you think?
40 full weeks.
I'm proud of my body!
That said, lets get on with the show!
Really, its been a hard week. For some reason, I'm getting really sick at night.
Every other night it seems. Last night was night number 3. (really 5 because the 2 nights in between I wasn't sick)
I wake up around midnight with HORRIBLE cramps. I guess its like gas pressure that has no where to go. I can't sit, lay, stand, crawl or do anything without being in horrible pain! Then, after about 2 hrs the vomiting begins. Last night was so bad I thought I'd burst a blood vessel or something.
The first night we went to L&D and was told I had a stomach bug. But now, seeing its coming every other night, I"m assuming its not a stomach bug.
I'm up for a minimum of 4 hours. Freaking out. Taking a bath or a shower or trying to find a place where the pain isn't so bad. Alone as I don't want to keep Dave up and REALLY don't want to wake up Logan.
Its not easy. I'm a baby when I'm sick and I get scared being sick when I'm pregnant. What if the pressure is hurting the baby? What if the vomiting is hurting the baby?
Getting no sleep isn't working for me either. Literally last night I had 2 hrs of sleep.
Any ideas on what you think could be happening?

It's eerie. One year ago right now my body was so sick. My baby, whom we didn't know yet was getting sick. His heartrate was all over the place.
I didn't know it yet. I just wanted whatever flu bug or whatever to go away so I could get on with the birth I wanted.

I don't remember much after the mag sulfate entered my veins, but let me tell you, I remember one year ago today.
I REMEMBER one year ago tomorrow morning.
I remember calling the doctor begging them to get me in asap.
I remember calling my MIL to see if Logan could go there while I went to the doctor.
I remember bawling on the phone and telling her I felt like I was going to die.
I remember the fear in her voice.
I remember my nurse telling me I was as pale as a ghost.
I remember coming home between my appt and my u/s and literally feeling like I would never get out of bed again. I was too sick to even cry.
I remember them telling me I had HELLP syndrome.
I remember her telling me that I would have a c-sect w/in the hour completely sedated and then I remember her telling me that I was too sick to have a c-section after all.
I remember the flurry of activity and fear in the voices.
I remember the group of doctors/residents and nurses I overheard in the hallway.
I remember the look in the mans eye who took my blood and gave me a blood transfusion bracelet. I still have that bracelet.
I remember the beginning of the mag sulfate going into my veins and the feeling like my body was on fire.
I remember looking at a bag of platelets. They looked like pudding.
I remember begging, crying, pleading for an epidural while they cranked up the pitocen as high as they could.
I remember the fear as the nurse kept calling the doctor because Miles heartrate was REALLY high (over 200 at one point) and then dropping really low.

That is where it all sortof fuzzes out.
I remember thinking that I might die.
I remember looking at Dave and soaking his face in.
I cried over my love for Logan.

I remember bits and pieces, here and there.
I was reminded last night that I had visitors that I don't even remember being there.
I remember asking Dave to leave the room and watch TV in the lounge because the flashing of the lights mixed with the Mag Sulfate made me feel like I was going to puke.
I can't remember Miles' face, his eyes, his cry. I don't remember his first sound. I don't know if he cried when he was born. I don't remember them weighing him and telling me his stats. I know I held him for a short second, but then they made Dave take him. I don't remember that.
I remember the burn of the steroids going into my vein after birth.
I remember looking at the doctor seconds after Miles was born and hearing her yell at the resident for shots of some medicine to help stop my bleeding.
I remember when they would only allow me 2 sips of water every hour for the first 24 hrs (and during labor) and begging for more.
I remember when the nurse got really scared when she saw how little urine I was letting out. I remember the relief when I started producing more. She later told me they thought my kidneys were failing.

I remember coming home only to go back to the ER because I couldn't see. They thought the HELLP was getting worse. It wound up to be fluid behind my eyes from my brain swelling too much.



So, here we are, one year later.
I feel like this just happened.
I haven't digested it yet.
I don't know how.
Everyone I know KNOWS it happened, but what else can they say but wow.
I don't know what I'm looking for.
It wasn't OK just because I healed. Heck, I was still getting abnormal bleeding times 3 months ago!
Just because my BODY healed, my mind hasn't.

I feel almost like I can't catch my breath when I think about what happened. Yet, a part of me would love to go back and watch from a distance so I KNOW...so I know. All of the things that I can't remember, I want to see.
I want to listen to the doctors in the hallway. I want inside their heads.

One year ago today, I was very sick.

Tomorrow, I'll be happy and I promise I'll tell you all of the mushy sappy things about Miles that I can't wait to share. Today, I'm overwhelmed.

It looks like a good day for a party!

I'm having Miles' birthday party today!!
You all of course are invited.
I think I'm still in shock that he will be 1 in 2 days.

This year literally flew SO fast. I know you all say that, and I"m sure I said that with Logan too. But looking back, when Logan turned 1, it just seemed like it was the perfect time for him to turn 1. MILES doesn't seem like he should be 1 yet.
Maybe that has more to do with ME and the idea that I have 2 children over the age of one, or maybe it has to do with me not having much memory of his infancy, therefore it went too fast...either way.

I'll have a piece of cake for you!

Hope your New Years Day is super fun!! I myself had one too many glasses of wine last night, but had a BLAST!